Hollywood's Not America

I don't know if you have heard this song, but I so totally love it. Some part of me relates to it, even though it's about a girl who goes to Hollywood to be a stripper.. Obviously that doesn't apply to me.. But something about it really grabs me. I've tried to evaluate it and figure out what it is. Some of it is just the melody, the guy's voice, and the purity of just being vocals with piano...But I think the biggest part goes deeper than that.

I think many of us tend to get tunnel vision. We get in a situation or life itself just seems too big. This song reminds me that this is not all there is. There is a bigger world...there is so much more out there. So when we are overwhelmed by our stuff, just look outside of it, outside of ourselves, and realize that THIS is not all that is...

If you're so inspired, check out the video below.. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EEUdY_gSjc for my facebook friends)...

Controlling what I can

I have never really been a huge fan of exercise. Many of you know I walked a half marathon at 300 pounds and have had countless gym memberships. I think I like the idea of exercise more than I like exercise itself. I get in "work-out mode" and work out regularly for a month or two and then eventually quit. I think I may have had a breakthrough recently though in regards to exercise.

My life is crazy lately, and there are so many things out of my control. I can't control the people around me. I can't control how people respond. I can apply for jobs but can't control how fast people reply or what the outcome is. I've been so frustrated as of late as I'm so ready for changes to be made and things to happen, but I'm learning to wait. The most amazing thing has entered my mind lately though.. I CAN control my body! How cool is that?

I went for a walk/jog the other day (I'm learning that I seem to want to downplay what I'm doing.. I've dreamt of being a runner all my life but have trouble calling myself that.. I have to make sure I call it jogging and not running...and have to be sure that I let everyone know that I'm walking too, because I can't jog the whole time.. sheesh..). I had some amazing moments as I was RUNNING and listening to some of my favorite songs on my Mp3 player.. One is the song "Maniac" from Flashdance.. Many of you will remember that video from the 80s.. I have this incredible memory of that chic running in place and sweating her butt off...such a powerful motivator in regards to exercise.. So anyway, I'm RUNNING, and that song comes on.. And it was a POWERFUL moment..The moment I've wished for for so many years.. I'm running and listening to that song with a huge smile on my face...Anyone who saw me probably thought I was crazy...RUNNING gives me such a feeling of power...such an amazing feeling of accomplishment...

Another amazing moment was when I was listening to "This Is My Now" by Jordin Sparks. I've heard that song so many times, and it's never really affected me before, but I literally wept while I was running and listening to that song. This surgery has changed my life and I am standing up for myself. I don't want to settle for mediocrity. I want to life a full life..The song inspired me to rise above the struggles and to claim victory...This is my time! When I get frustrated about my circumstances and things that are out of my control, I can simply get my body moving and release all that tension and say here's what I CAN control...That was such a powerful realization for me...

My thoughts are kind of scattered, and I feel like this is not my best writing.. but I've been wanting to share these thoughts for several days, so there they are friends...

Crying over meatballs

I swear I really did this tonight. I cried over meatballs. NOW, I will say that I am all kind of hormonal, my sleep schedule has been somewhat messed up, I have a lot on my mind, and I haven't been able to take my anti-depressant in two months that I was doing very well on pre-surgery (that's a whole other post all together)...So, my emotions are all over the map. But, I REALLY cried over meatballs.

The story: I have found, as I've written before, that a lot of my mental struggles over missing food seem to be associated with things that I used to love in my former life. There is one place that delivers to where we live in the boonies, and I used to love to order meatball subs for me and hubby when I didn't feel like cooking. I grew to love them. I had a rough day today and was in no mood to cook, so I decided to order the sandwiches. I knew I couldn't eat the sandwich per say, but I've had good responses to beef as of late, so I figured I could eat some of the meatballs and save the rest for later.

Hubby got home from work and devoured his right away while I was deep into a STAT report for work that I could not get away from. When I finally finished the report, SAM was already in bed watching television. I brought him some SF ice cream and ate my meatballs with him. Whenever I eat something that is exciting, totally tasty, I get this sense of urgency. I feel like I just HAVE to get it in as fast as I can...Memories of doing this pre-surgery come back all the time. What is that about? Why am I in such a hurry? What need does that meet? (ha.. i typed meat..food on my mind much?!!?) SAM mentioned how fast I was eating and that I needed to slow down. (If I eat too fast I throw it up. It happens a lot. But I realize that it mainly happens with foods that I'm excited about.) I immediately began to cry. He said it to me in a very sweet manner, so it's not because of what he said. It's because he was RIGHT. It's because I had this desire to completely ravage this food and I simply cannot do it. I started bawling and said how much I miss food and that I felt like I was in detox. I'M HAVING DTs!!! I took some deep breaths and slowed down and watched TV with him and at the rest of the meatballs slowly. After it was over I was fine. The whole thing just really struck me.

I know that there many who relate to this addiction. I just wish that I could make sense of it. I hope, I pray, that with time this struggle will lessen. I hope that one day I love my new self so much that I'll say "I can't believe I really cried over meatballs!!!"...Even 43 pounds down and 8 weeks out (today!), it's still not enough... I'm still too close to where I used to be and I still miss it like crazy...

What a great doc!

In listening to a medical transcription today, I encountered a doctor who was so compassionate towards this 320-pound woman. Here are his exact words:

Discussed weight with her at length. Told her that she is not alone in her difficulties with losing weight. Discussed bariatric surgery.

What I love about that is not that he mentioned bariatric surgery, but that he was so compassionate and sympathetic just in these few sentences. I have not had a history of doctors attacking me because of my obesity, but that seems to me to be a common approach. I have had a doctor or two in the past say "now what are we going to do about this weight" (who's WE? )... Or trying to counsel me on wise choices.. Not that those approaches don't work for some.. But for the morbidly obese, it seems quite trite..

I am just grateful for doctors like this. We are not alone in our struggles!!

On plateaus, Flo, and enmeshment...random, I know.

Hello friends.. I haven't posted in a while..Not because I've been doing poorly but because there really hasn't been anything going on.. I've had other non-WLS issues on my mind I presume..

I'm in the midst of a serious plateau!! Which I guess is important to write about too..And I was reminded tonight that plateaus are healthy.. I promised myself pre-surgery that I was not going to be one of those obsessive people that weighs every day and frets when there's not any weight lost.. Well guess what? I have officially become one of THOSE people...

***ESTROGEN ALERT FOR ANY MALES READING THIS***The nurse practitioner who follows Dr. Hodge's patients told me that my cycle could get all messed up... My cycle is usually very, very short.. (23 days - or has been for the past few years anyway) "Aunt Flo" has been trying to come and visit for weeks and weeks, and I really think that's messed me up.. Losing weight has messed up Flo and Flo has messed up losing weight :) When she finally arrived, it was almost 20 days late.. So I really think that has messed me up big time.. I'm glad that Jackie (the FNP) warned me about this..and now that I think about it, last time I was losing weight really fast (with Phentermine) I had the same issues with Flo...Hopefully once she leaves the weight loss will return.. I've only lost 1 pound in the past 2.5 weeks! :(

Ok, men, you can resume reading now.. I know that was probably a big time overshare, but I want people to know how all this can affect you. I want people to be able to learn from my experiences, if they are so inclined. So I share as I encounter.

The encouraging thing about the plateau is that as Sandra says, it's all math.. You can't weigh 250 pounds and exist on 500 calories a day and not lose weight. It's not mathematically possible. Another friend of mine said that in her personal experience, the times when she stopped losing was when she started losing inches.. almost as if the inches had to catch up with the pounds... I definitely can tell in my clothes, so that is encouraging. I do not measure as I should.. I took initial measurements the night before surgery, but have not taken them since.. I guess I should?

I still feel in kind of a dissociative state..Meaning, I have this radical eating transformation, and some changes are going on in my body, but the two haven't meshed.. I don't know if that makes sense or not.. There is so much strangeness to this process!

There is not only this dissociation between what I'm doing and who I'm becoming but also who I was and who I am becoming.. I still miss eating like crazy, but it's not constant.. It comes in waves.. It's really only with commercials now and then or while out and about and seeing restaurants or smelling things that were once my love.. I'm still waiting for that day when I have super-crazy manic energy or when I can run or cross my legs or shop in a non-fat-chic clothing store.. I think those will be the moments that the two will mesh and the dissociation will end. Or maybe it will never truly end? I do know that when those moments occur, that will be when I can say goodbye to the obese Traci, who though obese is still is so worthy of love, and say hello to the new healthy Traci. I love how another WLS friend said it. It's like an amicable divorce... Obese Traci who is food addicted, it's just not working anymore and we're going to have to part so that health and LIFE and FREEDOM can rule!

Until that time when the union of life changes and body changes takes place, I will continue on towards this journey of health and wholeness.. I will take these meds, and drink this protein, and eat these small bites, and try my hardest to follow the rules, to not rush ahead and push my little baby belly too hard, get enough rest, stay hydrated, be kind to myself, exercise as I am able, and wait for the transformation!! (But even as I say that, isn't there some saying that says the journey is not about the destination but the process?) Maybe I'm becoming enmeshed as I speak :) Ok, I've gotten too deep for myself.. and still have more protein to drink... Here's to growth, health, healing, and LIFE and FREEDOM friends!!

The details...or some of them anyway

As noted in my last post, I recently wrote to someone telling them about some of the details of the surgery process from application, insurance hoops, some of the actual surgery details..I know some people are reading that are researching/considering WLS...so I thought I'd share some of these things for anyone that may have questions.

There are many, many hoops to jump through, which in retrospect I understand. This is such a life-changing process.. I think they just want to know that people are serious about it. I had to do six months of "doctor supervised weight loss", which was really a joke. I basically just went to the surgeon's office once a month and weighed in. I didn't really lose weight during that time. I had to write a letter of why I wanted to have the surgery, provide five years of weight history from previous doctors showing that I'd been obese for a long time, have a gallbladder ultrasound, an EGD (looking at my stomach with a scope), go to a nutrition class, support group meetings, letter from my primary care doctor, a psych evaluation, and I think that's about it.. Enough huh? It was a lot of work. But, as I said, the surgery is much harder, so I guess they want to see your commitment. The whole process took me about 8 months, but I kind of stalled for a month or two.. I think if I had done everything right on time it would have taken me about 6.. Of course, every surgeon is different and all require different things. Once I was approved by insurance and had a surgery date, I also had to do some preop testing which involved an EKG, chest x-ray, blood work and urinalysis.

The surgery was done laparoscopically, and most are except for in very rare circumstances, then it's done with an open incision. I had 6 tiny incisions in different spots on my belly. Only one or two will actually leave a scar, I think. The actual surgery only took about an hour (I also had my gallbladder removed because i had gallstones, which was unknown to me until I had the ultrasound). The recovery was painful, but tolerable. Apparently I have a low pain tolerance and am a slow healer. Others that I've known have recovered much better, faster, than me. But I know it's all going to be worth it. The weight comes off SO fast. Probably by Christmas I'll be down at least 80 pounds.

As far as what's next for me, it's really about just getting healthy. I hope to start exercising soon (I've been very tired.. Part of it is the low caloric intake I think, probably no more than 500-600 calories a day, but part of it may be that I've heard the anesthesia can stay with you for up to a month.) So, I've just been taking it easy. There is what's called a honeymoon period, the first 6-12 months or so, when the weight just falls off, there isn't any, or much, hunger for most.. So I want to take advantage of this period and exercise to lose as much as I can. Statistics show that most people lose 75% of their excess weight in the first 18-24 months. So I want to use this opportunity to try to get as much off as I can. It becomes much more work after that..

Some people think this is an easy way out, but it is just the opposite. This is harder than any diet I've ever been on. It takes much more commitment and much more "head work." The surgery is just a tool, but it's got to be used in order to work. Unfortunately some gain their weight back, so it takes lots and lots of commitment. For me, I knew there was no other way. I've dieted all my life and been up and down. So, my options were to be obese or have surgery, and I was so tired of the former.

I'm hoping that this will increase my changes of fertility. I know that it will give me lots more energy, I'll feel better about myself, and I look forward to so many things that I haven't enjoyed in a very long time. It will be a new life. A challenging one, but one that will be so worth it.

This process really makes you work on yourself. One friend told me that it's easier to get rid of body fat than head fat. Meaning, for so many there is an emotional component to eating, and that's got to be nipped in the bud in order for this to work. It's a challenge, already, at only 4 weeks out. I miss eating so bad I can hardly stand it. But I know that when I can walk into Ann Taylor, The Limited, or whatever store, and be able to wear any cute, trendy thing I want, or when I run that marathon, it will all be worth it.

The Why

I have mentioned before that my writings have not only been a release for me, but also to educate and encourage. I know that there are so many people who don't know about WLS, or have misconceptions about it. I would like to do my best to share what I know and to share my journey along the way.

I recently wrote a friend telling them exactly what happened..what the whole process was like. I thought I'd share that here, for those that may be curious. But, before I do that, I want to share exactly WHY I did this.

I had to write a letter to my surgeon/insurance company stating why I wanted to have this surgery. I've decided to share that letter here. It's quite personal, and pretty intimate, but most will know that I am pretty open, these days especially. To quote an old cheezy Truth song (with different meaning of course), how will they know unless we tell them? Ha..that made me laugh..

Anyway, here's the letter. It was good for me to read again, myself, to keep things in perspective, to remember just why I put myself through this!!

February 3, 2008

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been asked to write a letter stating why I am considering gastric bypass surgery. This letter is to explain my reasoning and my weight-loss history to date.

I come from a family of overweight people. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. My memories of dieting go all the way back to age 11. This is not a new journey, but one that I have been on my entire life. As a teenager I was approximately 20-30 pounds overweight. As I recall, it seems that I gained approximately 10 pounds a year, with the exception of when I went to college as a freshman and gained 30 pounds. I reached 200 at the age of 23 and 300 at the age of 32.

I cannot count the number of diets that I have attempted, or the number of times that I have attempted each one. With each attempt, I always lost a little weight, but never more than an average of 30 pounds. There were 2 occasions where I lost 40-50 pounds. However, I was never able to keep off the weight that I lost. My dieting would eventually involve me getting discouraged, overwhelmed, defeated, and eventually giving up. I considered surgical intervention for the first time in 1993, but realized that I was not heavy enough at that point. I pursued it again in 2004 or 2005, but my insurance company denied the claim.

Over the years I came to accept myself as I was and began to focus on my positive qualities, my internal characteristics, intelligence, gifts, etc., and did not focus so much on my weight (although the dieting never really stopped). I dated and eventually married a man who did not care that I was overweight and ended up gaining 100 pounds in the decade that I was with him. After our divorce and a new marriage, however, I began to think about having children, only to find myself dealing with infertility. The fertility specialist I was seeing told me that losing weight could only help my fertility. This was a huge wake-up call for me.

I feel that I am at a different place than I was a decade ago when I detested myself because of my weight. I know of many morbidly obese people have an extremely low self-esteem because of their weight. I, on the other hand, have been trying to spend the past 10+ years on focusing on the internal rather than the external. I now have come to an impasse, however, in realizing that I am INDEED a morbidly obese woman. If I am able miraculously conceive a child, I would not want to carry it at my present weight. I also would not want to be a mother in the state that I am in. I would not be able to play with my child as I wanted, be a healthy role model, or have an active life with my child at my current weight. I also know that never in my life have I maintained my weight, but always seem to be gaining. And this is no type of life for a child. I have fears of one day being a home-bound or bed-bound individual, and I certainly would not want to be that type of parent for my child.

I also know that I am blessed after all these years to have ONLY struggled with depression, insomnia, migraines, infertility, low-back pain, and most recently, gall stones. I know that it is only a matter of time that I do have to face the realities of hypertension, diabetes, heart problems, etc. I know that many obese people are not so lucky, and I know that my day will come if I don’t do something.

I want so much more for my life than I have right now. I kind of wonder if I’m feeling like a conjoined twin must feel. They have had that other side of them for so long that they don’t know any different. That is kind of the way my weight has been for me. Prejudices, stereotypes, difficulties with dating, difficulties with intimacy, not fitting in airplane seats and movie seats, wondering if I’m going to fit into the booth in the restaurant.. these are just things I’ve accepted. However, after a close friend having recently had gastric bypass and having wonderful success, it has opened up my eyes to realize that change IS possible. I do not have to accept this part of me. There IS a way out.

My number one motivation for having this surgery is to get healthy so that I can do my best to conceive, carry a child in a healthy manner, and be an active mother and role model for my children. Secondly, I want to be proactive and prevent any long-term health issues that will eventually come as a result of my obesity. Thirdly, I want to be feel better about myself, feel more attractive as a woman/wife and to be able to be more active.

I told someone recently that to me dieting is like someone telling me to walk from Tennessee to California. Gastric bypass is like me still having to walk to California, but someone has given me wings. I know that it is not a miracle cure. I know that I still will have to work my butt off.. I just know that the surgery will make that possible for me. I don’t even try on my own anymore because I KNOW that I will fail. I know that I may lose a little weight, but that I will quit and eventually gain it back. I have done it over, and over, and over, and over.

I know that there is a huge emotional component to my eating and I know that this will not change with surgery. I am currently in therapy, on anti-depressants, and know that the internal work will just begin with surgery. I am committed to being all that I can be. I am committed to working on myself, and seeking help, communicating with others, and finding support. I just need the wings to help me get to the destination..

Thanks for your consideration..

Beautiful girl...repost

I originally wrote this in July of 2006. I found it today and it spoke to me, so I wanted to repost it. Even after WLS, even with 150 pounds gone, these words will still be important and oh so necessary....If only we focused on the inner value more than anything... beautiful girl
hold your head up high

don't believe their lies
the hurtful words they speak

your value, your worth
is more than gold

you are precious
unlike any other

so many gifts to give
to share with the world

hold your head high
be proud of who you are

speak the truth
of the value inside

don't let them tear you down
or wound the precious girl inside

be brave
be strong

rejoice in all that you are

beautiful girl

be strong
be brave

you are unlike any other,
beautiful girl

Valleys

You know, it's kind of funny. It used to be that I only blogged when things weren't going well for me. I think writing was some kind of release. When I was happy, I'd be silent for months. Now I find that I only want to write when I'm feeling positive. I guess I see this WLS (and sharing about it) as such an educational thing. I want to encourage those behind me, or educate those who don't understand. But...I presume that writing about the bad times and then later writing how I overcame is where the encouragement can take place.

Things haven't been horrible, but I have been struggling...I'm not regretting my decision, just struggling with the process. Some say after WLS they have no desire for food. My case is that my head, the addictive part of me, CRAVES it...It's so hard to see the places I used to eat and know I cannot eat that stuff, or if I do eat it in the amounts I WANT to, I'll get sick. But you know what? THIS is why I made this decision.

I love what Sandra says about it.. She says that it's like she pulled an intervention on herself, without her knowledge... Obviously I knew I was doing this...But the food addict in me had no clue how hard it would be. But this is the blessing about the surgery...and why it works when diets don't... On a diet, you CAN cheat...you can take a day off..you can give up and give in...Now, sure, I could go get a Domino's pizza right now, but I'd just throw it up...And have wasted the money...I hear that there WILL be a day when I can eat what I want in moderation (with probably the exception of sugar and lots of carbs).. That day is just not here yet. And my insides miss it.. Not my belly, as in, I'm not hungry at all...But my flesh, my human nature, my part that loves to feel good, sure misses it a heck of a lot...So I guess I'm going through some mourning...

Not only have I given up what I crave most, but I am having to do such seemingly impossible tasks...Sandra and I came up with this great analogy.. (and I'm sure I've written about how much I love analogies..) Here is the struggle...Imagine it's Thanksgiving day and you have eaten until you cannot eat any more..You feel sick, bloated, having to unzip your zipper, all that stuff.. Ok...Imagine that you HAVE to continue to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat.. And what makes it worse is that it's stuff you hate...Sure you might could fit in an extra bite of pecan pie, but what if it was something nasty? What's the point, right??? That is what every day feels like for me.. I'm not sick and bloated, but I have no appetite and eating is a STRUGGLE...My baby stomach is so very small..So you have to just consume, and consume, and consume all day... And it's not fun food!!! It's not horrible, but it's sure not the comfort food I'm used to, the food I crave...

I'm sure that one day I will get used to it.. I will grow up emotionally and spiritually and learn that food is for nourishment...(Of course I'm learning that the hard way now.. it's just taking forever for my head to catch up with all that..)...I pray I learn to find my comfort in things that are healthy and good for me.. And I'll begin to reap all the rewards of losing weight and I will love it... Maybe one day I'll get to run that marathon and I'll weep at the finish line and say, "no food compares to this..." For now, it's new and fresh, and 5 weeks without comfort food in my body just isn't enough time I presume...

I fully believe this is a full-on addiction. It could just be a lifetime of bad habits, and genes and all that. But this inner struggle is more than I can put into words. But I loved something that Sandra said...She said that any other addict (alcoholic, drug addict, whatever) would jump at the chance to have a surgery to help with their addiction. Obviously it doesn't take the addiction away (as evidenced by all my ramblings above), but it sure helps nip the big problem in the bud... It's like I always said when deciding to have this surgery.. Losing weight was impossible before because you had the mechanics of losing the weight, all the clinical stuff, AND all the emotional, comfort-food, addiction crap with it... The surgery just takes care of a major, major, major part of it.. Now my part is to deal with the internal stuff...And there is no comforting with food now!!! So I'm having to face the demon head on...

So there, my friends, is the valley. I call it a valley because I know there will be a mountaintop one day. I know it's only for a season. And I AM 29 pounds down since starting my liquid diet 5 weeks ago... How could THAT ever happen without surgery?? Even better than that, I don't have to worry about if I'll ever see those numbers again...So, I know in my head that WLS is still a huge blessing, and that the rewards will come...

Thanks for your prayers and your support as I continue in this journey towards health and healing, not only in body, but in mind.

A few challenges

I feel really good today and it sure feels good to feel good! My recovery has been a lot slower than I'd hoped and with several setbacks.

My latest setback was on Thursday when I went to have my drain removed. (By the way, it was a pretty painless process. The nurse told me that most patients tell her that it just feels weird, and that was exactly right. It was so bizarre...I guess I didn't realize how long it was inside my belly...And feeling it being pulled, from the inside, was very strange.. But needless to say, I was just glad it was gone. The drain was a humbling experience thinking of people that have to deal with foreign things to their bodies all the time...I felt guilt in complaining about it...) Thursday was my first day to drive, so I ran a few errands, came home, and was exhausted, and took a nap. I woke up from my nap with fever! I was pretty terrified... I did end up calling my surgeon that night and he was so gracious. He was not worried about it, nor was my RN hubby...I presume I should have trusted hubby...I was overly paranoid I guess.. But a fever after surgery is just a scary thing.. My drain site was pretty irritated, so I presume the fever was just from that. I had it for about a day and a half or so, then I was fine...

Support group was yesterday and I was really hesitant to go. I'd not been feeling well and had been a little down and tired, and just hated to show that side of it all to the newbies.. Then I realized that it's about all that too...Those researching need to see all sides of it.. The discouragement and the fear and the worry is a part of it alongside the weight loss and increase in activity and happiness. It's a package deal, and in all honest, I'm a tell-it-like-it-is, whole-package kind-of girl... so I'm proud that I went. Thank you, Sandra, for encouraging me to go!! I did end up getting blessed by it, and I seem to always meet someone new with a new story...

There has been so much excitement in my recent posts.. This journey is not going to be all excitement. There are going to be lots and lots of trials...They have already begun.. I'm already overwhelmed about all I have to try to fit in my little tummy.. There are not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do...And I'm not even working yet!! I have a tendency to get way overwhelmed...so this has been a problem...

I'm getting out more, which is good, but also a challenge. I am bombarded with the things I used to love. I have loved eating out since I was a child. It always brought some kind of comfort to me...not really sure why..But getting out of the house and seeing billboards and restaurants and fast food restaurants is a challenge. My tummy doesn't want the stuff, isn't even hungry at all, and couldn't even handle it.. But my head sure wants it... I have many, many years of bad habits, addictions even, and none of that disappears with this miraculous surgery. The battlefield is in the mind...

I have struggled for a long time with the mind over matter mindset...but is something that I really want to take hold of... Maybe this will be a turning point for me. Hubby and I went on a date last night and I went to a restaurant for the first time. I thought, you know, I can moan and groan about what I can't have, or I can just accept it...I've made this positive choice for myself and it is the way it is... I think it's going to take a lot more of that kind of thinking... Of course, eventually I'll have many, many things to replace what I'm letting go of...But at this stage in the game, it's new and fresh, and although I've lost some weight, the major advantages aren't here yet. But they will come. And it will be grand. In the mean time, I will battle and fight against the old me and look forward to all that is before me...

Thank each and every one of my loved ones who are keeping up with me and supporting me!! I don't know how I'd do it without you all...

The Wisdom of Mary Poppins

I just came across this fabulous quote today from Mary Poppins..

"Enough is as good as a feast."

I don't know the context, but I don't know that the context even really matters that much. That is such a powerful statement. Why it's taken WLS for me to truly understand and grasp that concept I will never understand. I've read so many stories about people who don't understand why they couldn't "get it" before hand...Why they had to go to such extremes to become healthy... And my goodness, I'm only 12 days into this process. But I am learning every day, and that quote just knocked my socks off.

The pre-WLS Traci wanted it all, wanted all the feast, all the time..I realize there is a huge heart issue there.. I mean, what's the essential problem in wanting all the freaking time? Selfishness, greed, lust, whatever...I know that WLS does nothing to change the inside. All is does is change my belly. My head and my heart will have to change, to learn to be content, to realize that enough IS as good as a feast. I can beat myself up for not learning it in my 38 years of life...or I can be very grateful that I have the opportunity to learn it now..And to live my remaining years healthy and content and grateful... I think the latter choice is a pretty darned good one as well... I'll take it!!

Postop Day 11

Things have been quiet over here because I have been in the bed on pain meds! Had a minor setback. I rode to Knoxville last Wednesday the 6th to take mom back to the airport. I'd been feeling well and hubby was going to be driving, so I assumed all would be fine. I had a pillow close to my tummy the whole way, but I guess all the jarring around of my insides was just too much. I ended up being in about as much pain as I was in at the hospital. :( So I've just been medicating and resting. Am finally on the upswing I think.

Had my first postop appointment today and that went great. The great news is that I got my staples out and was given permission to advance to the next stage of the diet. The not-so-great news is that my drain has to stay in until Thursday :(. But it's tolerable. It's for my best. All the pain I'm feeling is normal, so that's good to know. The key is to take it easy, rest, medicate when necessary, and get my nutrients in. This is a CHALLENGE! I never thought eating all day would be hard! But it is... There is so much needed to consume to stay healthy and nourished and there is only so much time and such a tiny little stomach now!!

The good thing is that I'm catching up on lots of TV. That's one thing I can do. I've read some, but have found that TV is just easier right now. I watched in the whole first season of Mad Men in several days and have found yet another show to be addicted to!

The day is gorgeous here. It's early August, not a cloud in the sky, and 75 degrees! This reminds me of why I live in TN!

Ok, about a half-hour is about my limit at the computer at this point. I guess it's Tivo time. Just wanted to let everyone know that I was still around! Oh yeah! And 20 pounds down too! :)

Best day yet...and remembering the why

The days keep getting better. I have more strength and energy today and the pain is not as bad. Honestly, I think the narcotics were keeping me down, just overall not in good shape. I feel stronger today and actually felt like talking to some friends on the phone.

I am feeling this yucky tightness in my stomach that I'm trying to figure out. As SOH says, the next year of my life is going to be a science experiment; figuring out what works and what doesn't, what my body likes and what it doesn't.

I had my first "uh oh" moment today. I cannot swallow whole pills for several months because of the tiny hole from my esophagus to my little baby stomach. I've begin using Tylenol instead of the big mama drugs, and had crushed the Tylenol and put it in another medication I'm taking that is in liquid form. I swallowed that fine and then put some water in the 1-oz cup to make sure I'd gotten all the medication. Without even thinking, I swallowed the whole ounce of water in one gulp. Baby tummy did not like that!! I could tell right away it wasn't a good thing. It was just a sharp pain that subsided quickly..but we learn from those experiences...

I watched Anne of Green Gables with mom today and just loved it. Sweet moments with my sweet mom! I will be sad when she leaves and will have to be a big girl and take care of myself now (and hubby too..how nice to have mom cooking for SAM!!)...The good thing is that day after tomorrow I'll be even stronger and more prepared to do what I need to do.

I have the dogs boarded for a good while and that has been such a blessing. Lulu would be a breeze, but the sweet baby boy puppy boy would have been a handful. I just don't know how I could take care of him right now! Thank goodness I have a wonderful lady who keeps them for me for such a reasonable cost. So that's been a load off of my back.

SOH said something today that just made me tear up...It's easy in this phase to get caught up in all the hard parts of this process. Obviously I'm not to any other stage yet... But many have said they would do this surgery again and again if they had to.. (which spoke volumes to me while I was in the hospital.. It's one thing to hear that and another thing to experience it).. Don't get me wrong, I'm having no regrets and am so excited of the life before me... It just has its hard moments, and when you don't have the good stuff yet to compare it, you just have to keep a level head. Anyway, SOH said, "Trust the YOU that made this decision to do this." I just loved that and it was just what I needed to hear. I made an excellent decision for my life, for my health, for my future, for so many things that still await me!!

I'm so excited to be able to share my journey with everyone. I am more open than many, and sometimes I wonder if I'm too open for me :)... Why the heck would anyone care about my stories anyway? Sometimes I have a nagging voice saying that to me.. "who do you think you are? what makes you so special that others would want to read or know?"...But then my spirit speaks and I realize that my truth is my truth. It doesn't belong to anyone else. No one can tell it like me. And although we are all at different stages in our journeys, there are people not yet to where am...And if they can learn and grow from me, then I am grateful for it.

I write with a humble heart and know there is nothing good in me on my own. I know that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So I thank him for these wonderful second chances, for loved ones, for words, for the freedom of expression, and for those who are willing to learn and grow. May we all be molded and shaped daily!

Postop Day 4

Just a quick report, friends! My surgery was performed on July 31 at 8 am with no difficulties whatsoever. The surgery was performed in under two hours from what I understand. I was in my room that afternoon and met there by my sweet husband and mother. They were such angels and I don't know what I would have done without them.

I will write more as I have more strength. They recovery has not been that bad. The pain is not horrible. In a word I would just describe it as uncomfortable. The drain is uncomfortable. My incisions are uncomfortable. The abdominal binder is uncomfortable, but provides relief too.

I haven't had the slightest hunger pang. The foods I'm eating are easy to tolerate and I'm not having trouble getting things down down. No nausea. Overall, excellent recovery!

Honestly, one of my biggest complaints besides being uncomfortable is restlessness. I cannot seem to focus on anything or sit still for any period of time. This is good because it has me up and moving, but I would love to be spending me down time watching movies or reading, and it's just not happening!

I'm feeling stronger each day and probably have spent my internet limit for today typing this brief message. Just wanted to give everyone an update! Thanks so much for all the many, many prayers and positive thoughts. They were definitely felt and are still appreciated to this day!

Love to all -
Traci

Transformation Eve

I cannot express how grateful I am to everyone. "Coming out of the closet" was the best thing I could do. The support and love around me has me soaring. With so many people praying for me, I know that only good can happen! I feel so loved. I am blessed!

I am actually very calm today. I've been homebound due to my gastric preparations... Getting EVERYTHING all good and cleaned out!!! It has not been terribly bad considering that I've on a liquid diet for 10 days. I know is a whole lot of TMI (too much information)...BUT..most that go through this surgery process will learn that there are things you just have to talk about. People have questions and need to know what's going on. So forgive my forthrightness! The process has not been bad at all...the worst part is the Gatorade/Miralax cocktail. BLECH! Thank goodness it's almost all gone though :)

It's been a peaceful day.. The prep has been nice in the fact that I had to take the day off. You really can't do anything else. So I had everything done, more or less, by 12 noon and got to spend that time with mom...We watched the sweetest movie, Martian Child - definitely a chic flick, and both did some reading...I got some wonderful phone calls. So all in all, it's all good!

Someone said today that they knew I was scared, and I had to say that I honestly wasn't. Some of that may come tomorrow..But I have to be there so very early (5 AM!)..I think it all will happen very quickly. SOH was so very helpful in answering lots of questions for me today about the pain, about catheterization, compression boots/stockings, barium testing, lack of hunger (yee haa! let's pray for that!!)...So wonderful to have someone go before you that can answer those little things... Also, the wonderful WLS coordinator at the hospital sent me a detailed e-mail about what would happen step by step and that was such a blessing..Any fear I had initially was about the unknown. So knowing what to expect is so very helpful. Thank you Pat!

Well, a little more prepping to do...A little more packing.. I hope I will get some sleep but am sure that I will.. The surgeon has ok'd me taking some lovely Lunesta.. so that will absolutely be taken.

I guess that's all for now! I am so very, very, very grateful. Words cannot describe! I will post as I can...Blessings my dear friends!

Grace

I am really feeling so great today. I am excited. I am at peace. I am blessed with wonderful friends and family and great insurance. My body is 13 pounds lighter and is cleansed. It is so amazing the feeling you have after ridding your body of sugar and caffeine and who knows what else. The first few days were SO HARD but now I feel wonderful. I have gotten all my ducks in a row and all that I need to do is pick up mom tomorrow, necessary preparations for surgery on Wednesday, then my day is here! When I got my approval and surgery date, it was 31 days away and seemed like a lifetime. Now it seems like yesterday. Amazing how relative time can be.

It's gorgeous outside. Friends are checking on me. I paid a friend to clean my house today (Thanks Ruby!!).. I've got someone to take care of my dogs, the hospital bill is paid.. All that's lacking is packing!

You know, this surgery is a lot like grace. I did this to myself. I don't deserve help. But grace is being bestowed upon me. A second chance. A new life; that I don't deserve. Isn't that what grace is about? This is why I'm on cloud nine. This is why my life has radically changed already. Because I know that I'm being given a wonderful gift at a new life; one that I don't deserve. But I am grateful and I am thanking God. And I will not take it lightly. And I pray that every day I remember where I came from. ALWAYS remember the shackles that bound me. Always be compassionate to those who were where I once was. Be gentle. Be kind. Be patient. And learn to not treat food like the bad guy. And learn to calm the storms that may come. And never, never, never take this for granted.

The Joys of Broth

I never in a million years thought that broth would be like a delicacy for me. But on this liquid diet, that's just what it has been. I can't explain it. But just the warmth and the flavor is just decadent for me. Anyone who may be on this WLS journey in one way or another, just a brief word of advice. Do not skimp when it comes to your broth! I have tried three different kinds. Rachel Ray's chicken stock was excellent. (I had to look up the difference between stock and broth and found it on the food network. "Chicken stock tends to be made more from bony parts, whereas chicken broth is made more out of meat. Chicken stock tends to have a fuller mouth feel and richer flavor, due to the gelatin released by long-simmering bones.") Swanson's chicken broth - awesome. Walmart's chicken broth? Not so much. So, this is one of those things where it does not benefit to skimp. (Hubby pointed out that probably the reason it tastes so good is because of the sodium. I know sodium is not good for you. But that's a whole other battle for another day!) Enjoy your broth!

The benefits of a liquid diet

This is mainly for my benefit to remind myself of the good that is coming out of these difficult 10 days! Yes, it has been harder than I expected. Is it doable? Absolutely. The first few days were the absolute hardest. Yesterday was probably the best day. I feel good today, but hubby is working and I'm not very busy so I find myself craving food. I feel quite certain that this will be one of the hardest things I have ever undertaken.

But there are benefits of this small phase....

• It has taken my mind/anxiety off the surgery and allowed me to focus on the now.
• I dropped 11 pounds in 4 days! Losing weight before the surgery is always a benefit. I haven't lost in the past day or two, but maybe I'll drop a few more before the big day.
• My body feels clean and purged.
• No need to plan, shop, cook, other than buying what I needed beforehand for the liquid diet. (WARNING! I do NOT recommend shopping in a grocery store while you are on the liquid diet. They say not to grocery shop when you are hungry.. HELLO?? Grocery shopping when you hadn't eaten in DAYS?? Not fun.. Trust me.)
• This should have been first on my list; my liver will shrink and allow the surgeon to have the best possible access to my organs.
• It really is a good transition between eating like a big girl and eating like a WLS patient. A friend today said it was probably a good thing I'm doing it so that my stomach won't go into shock!
• It reminds me of the dedication needed toward this surgery. If you can't make it through a 10-day liquid diet, how can you make it for an entire lifetime of restriction?
• People feel sorry for me.

JUST KIDDING!!! I have gotten sympathy, and people are very, very sweet to worry about me. But I am honestly doing this almost as a badge of honor. Everything has fallen into place and I truly believe this is what I need to do. This will drastically change many parts of my life and I am SO ready! This liquid diet has been a nice transition I think. And I'm not able to sit around and worry about the surgery and count the days cause I'm so busy thinking about my growling stomach!!! :)

My spirit really is still at peace and I'm so excited about the changes to come. I am so grateful for my family and friends that have surrounded me with love and support and bathed me in prayer. I go into this surgery with my head held high, my expectations high for the life before me, and full confidence that I am going to do great.

I have the best friends.. Thank you all!!

On caffeine, mornings, health, and wise choices

My sweet new puppy has changed my life by helping me get on a schedule and a structure. As I used to stay up until all hours of the night and then sleep until late in the morning, now I'm on a somewhat normal schedule, if you will. I still hate mornings though and will probably always be a night person. I wake up so tired. I used to drink 3 or 4 cups of coffee in the morning. There are different teachings by surgeons regarding caffeine, but mine says no caffeine and no carbonated beverages after surgery. I have started weaning myself off of coffee by drinking a Coke Zero every morning when I wake up. Not quite the jolt of coffee, but is all I got for now.

As I sat down this morning to begin working and was sipping my Coke Zero, I thought to myself, you know, my body probably needs an Atkins shake right now with protein in it rather than this nutritionless soft drink. Then the other part of me said, but this is what I want, this tastes so much better, this is more enjoyable for me, and makes me feel better.

That was a huge light bulb moment for me. Isn't that how I got in this position? By giving my body what it wants rather than what it needs? In so many ways we have to learn to parent ourselves. We would teach children that they need nutrition rather than junk. But how do we treat ourselves?

This responsibility sucks! But I realized that I only think the caffeine will make me feel better. Oh it may, but only for a moment, not longlasting change. If I focus on my health, and on making wise choices, then I WILL feel better period. And it will be longlasting. The health and good feelings won't come from a can. They will just BE. And they will stay with me.

God, help me to take good care of this body you've given me and feed it in a way that is for health and performance.

Dirty Laundry

I figure since I'm airing all my dirty laundry, why not go all the way :).. As SOH says, everything is feast or famine with me.. HA! Literally! I missed that unintended pun. If you missed that, never mind. :)

So, I've decided to start journaling what I'm eating online. Mainly just 'cause I don't want to add up my protein each day! And, I can just repeat my most common eaten items :)

So, just in case anyone is curious what a 10-day liquid diet in prep for WLS looks like, here you go. http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=tracimyrick Keep in mind that all surgeons standard op is different. Pretty much no two surgeons are going to be the same.

I'm feeling very, very weak these days and almost panicked about it. Obviously being over 250 pounds and surviving on 400-600 calories would surely make one weak. I just didn't realize just how weak I would be. I can barely walk down to the mailbox without having to rest. My heart races with any activity. It's almost scary. But I called the surgeon's office today and they did not seem to be worried. I honestly think I haven't been drinking ENOUGH.. I think I'm just so dang tired of having to potty all day long! But when it's my health we're talking about, I gotta get better. My goal is 64 ounces of fluid a day and at least 50 mg of protein.

Also, I was taking my vitamins and I was told by a friend who is also soon to have the surgery that vitamins are a no-no right now because of all the vitamins in the shakes. Her potassium was way too high. Again, every person is different and all docs are different. My surgeon didn't tell me one way or another about the vitamins. So, I presume there is no harm in stopping them just in case. Supplements are a HUGE part of this process afterwards, so I was just trying to get ahead of the game..

Pretty much all I want to do is work, read and sleep. I have been out of the house some, but it's really, really hard for me to move about because of my weakness. This is a caution for anyone who does the liquid diet to limit your activities (my personal humble opinion.) I had hoped to work out every day to drop weight before the surgery! HA!! Thank God I work from home. I don't know what I would do if I had to be really active during this 10-day period.

As I've mentioned before, though, I'm learning to be kind to myself. Some may wonder what that means. When I feel tired, I rest. When I need a break, I take a break. Listening to what your body says is SO important. I do believe that it tells us what we need.

Ok, I'm on to a beverage of some sort, then reading and then bed. I don't think I have gone to bed before daylight since I was 10 years old. But I sure am doing it these days!

A Little Education

Just a brief post in case any of you are wondering, and also to remind myself of some very important truths (as my stomach is growling away.) Some may wonder why the liquid diet is so hard for me or why I'm complaining when my eating habits are about to change in a huge way. Immediately after surgery I will be consuming tiny, tiny amounts of liquid...like an ounce at at time. The difference is that my anatomy will be different. My tiny stomach will not be able to handle more than an ounce. Right now, I still have the same giganterous belly (I'm sure that's not a real word. But it sounds fun.) :) Thus, the struggle.

The amazing thing is that I've asked for support and I've gotten it. My spirit is soaring and I feel ready and lifted up. I'm at peace and feel blessed. I just have a very hungry belly and a very weak body :)... But this too shall pass...

I'm spending my time just being kind to myself. Every hour is different. I tried to nap yesterday but after getting up three times to pee, I figured that was pointless. I have a hard time really focusing on anything, so I don't think TV or movies are going to work. I did work some yesterday and hope to work a good bit today. Housecleaning helps, actually! What a concept! I spent time straightening up yesterday and working on laundry and that helped me to focus I think.

I did prepare dinner for hubby last night after he had worked a 14-hour day and I think he was really surprised at that. But I am learning the importance of service and meeting the needs of my hubby even when it's hard...

I overestimated myself!!

Ok, I admit it. I'm a crazy woman... Looking forward to the liquid diet so I can "focus?" What kind of insanity is that??! I should be able to do fine because I've done extended fasts before?!! What the heck was I thinking?!?! I'm usually one to take on a challenge, but when it comes down to it, I'm a big whiney baby...Pardon me while I go eat the paint off the walls.. :)

In all seriousness, I'm drained, have a headache, am starving and am in a foul mood, but my spirit is blessed and at peace. All is well. I know this is a very good thing and is only to have a healthier surgery, and of course I want that...

I just wanted to whine for a bit...Oh...hm... wine!!! Just kidding... That's not on the liquid diet.. Ok, now on to my yogurt or broth or protein water or something... :)

Thanks to each and every one of my supporters.. You all ROCK!!

The Last Day of Feasting

I'm such at a different place than I thought I might be in. My day today is going to be full of getting my house in order, literally and figuratively. I've been working on the internal stuff. Today I want to get organized and purge the kitchen of stuff no longer needed, get everything good and clean, and then tomorrow the race is on...And my energies can be devoted to that. My poor hubby, after working four 12-day shifts in a row, is plum worn out and felt like he needed to work because I was in work mode. But Lord knows there are plenty of times he's working while I'm doing nothing but sitting on my assets... :) So, he is resting and I am working. And it feels good!

I already have tons more energy. It's so amazing to note how much a change in mental energy can affect your whole world. There is peace in my home, in my marriage. I feel confident and capable. I think sweet sis was right in saying that I had just surrendered. I think I surrendered to life in general. EVERYTHING was too hard for me. So I just gave up. I was simply existing. So sad to see it in black and white...But I'm so grateful for this revelation.

Now, I absolutely know that WLS is not going to solve my problems. I know that there are things that I may have blamed on the weight and when the weight is gone, those things will still be there. I know life will not be perfect. I know that the change in me might be hard for some. I know that I'll have to offer grace to myself and many around me. There are many, many issues in life to address and work on... But, SOH reminded me of this quote from Forrest Gump...

[Forrest Gump referring to Apple Computer] "Lieutenant Dan got me invested in some kind of fruit company. So then I got a call from him, saying we don't have to worry about money no more. And I said, that's good! One less thing."

Losing half of me, literally, is just "one less thing" to worry about about. And it's a big, big thing.

You know, it's so exciting to be facing a difficult situation and KNOW the outcome ahead of time. I don't know where I will be in 2 years, or in 5 years, or in 10 or 20 years... But I know that if the Lord sees me through this surgery and through my recovery and allows me to live to actually get healthy, I know that I will lose a good part of my excess weight. I don't know how low I'll get or how low I WANT to get... As my favorite WLS author thus far has written, "I will know it when I get there." (Pat Peck in Exodus from Obesity) I know I don't want to be a stick figure. I know that I think curves are healthy and beautiful and something to celebrate about being a woman. It's been so long since I was "thin" that I have no clue how much I would like to weigh. But again, I will know when I get there. No diet in the world can guarantee success. There is not enough willpower, discipline, whatever... to attempt to lose 130-140 pounds and know for absolute sure that a majority of it will come off... It is just impossible. That is totally setting yourself up for failure and disappointment, and I am totally convinced that it cannot be done. I'm not saying that weight loss cannot be achieved. And maybe I'm being way too absolute about what I'm saying. I've just come to the point where I've realized there is NO OTHER WAY for this to be done and have the same miraculous results. As Peck says, and I agree, to the morbidly obese, you really only have two options... Obesity or surgery. I think it's that plain and simple.

I have been blessed to be spared health problems. By God's grace I don't have high blood pressure or diabetes or sleep apnea or high cholesterol. I've been plagued with things like low-back pain, and knee pain, and migraines, and depression, and insomnia, infertility...all that could be a result of obesity.. But if I don't nip this in the bud NOW, it's just a matter of time before all that stuff does happen...I want a LIFE... I want to live and experience life. I have lived years and years behind closed doors more or less.. Not as extreme as an agoraphobic or anything, but I haven't been LIVING...I have been EXISTING... And now I know that I will have no excuse but to get out and run and jump and LIVE...

Pat Peck says in her book that after her surgery she started walking with a friend and they would walk and walk and walk and talk for hours upon hours. One day he said, "why do you go on these 15-mile walks with me?"....and she responded with "because I can!"... I LOVE, love, love that... there are so many things I have not been able to do.. Now I will have no excuse. And there is no need to be sedentary and trapped inside my home and lonely and scared with every single thing being hard for me. There is absolutely no need...

Today is a day of feasting for me. And not a day of binging. I've done my share of that. Binging is done in private with guilt and shame and remorse and punishment and desperateness. Feasting is about celebration and gathering with those you love and honoring each other; rejoicing in life, in love, in friendship, in what God has done and in what he's going to do. So today, I feast.

I ate a bagel with cream cheese and a cold coke on ice this morning. I ate those things and savored every bite and enjoyed it. I was flooded with memories of SOH introducing me to bagels with cream cheese when we were teenagers and teaching me that nothing was a good as a cold coke on ice (try it if you never have... a warm canned coke over ice is nothing like a can that's been in the fridge and THEN put over ice!!)....(if you want to know what is good, ask the fat girl...TRUST me..she knows!!!) :) There are memories associated with food, with feasting, with celebrating. And that is a good thing.

There is much work to be done in my mind regarding food and my relationship with it. Food is not the enemy. It's not wrong to love food and celebrate it, celebrate with it. God was so good to give us taste buds. You know if we didn't have them, we wouldn't know the difference? We wouldn't eat and say, I wish I knew what this tasted like...Because we'd never known anything else... So truly God wanted us to enjoy food and take pleasure in it. But like most anything, it can be thwarted and abused. Which is what I have done, for sure, most of my life...

So, my solace will come from elsewhere, and it will NOT be easy. Of this I am aware... But for today, I celebrate, and I feast. I honor the little fat girl who didn't know anything different, who did what worked for her...I celebrate who she was and I celebrate all that is to come. Tomorrow begins the shedding of skin...(If only that skin could literally be shed...I know my postop friends will understand...I surely don't yet!!)

Ok, my brain officially hurts now... On to purge the kitchen!!!

Blessings, my dear friends...I appreciate you keeping me in your thoughts and prayers...And please let me know how I can support you.

Truth Overload

I am learning and growing so much every day that I don't even have enough time to write it all down! Such amazing stuff is happening, and I haven't even had the surgery yet. I think as I learn things I'm going to just have to write them in bullet form... There's not enough time in my day to expand on it all!

Just to summarize what's been going on, and then I'll share all of my enlightenment.. :) Tomorrow is my last day to eat as a "fat person"... I was saying "eat like a normal person," then I realized that if I ate normally I would not be in this predicadament! At first, it felt like I was trying to cram every good thing down for fear I would never have it again. The truth is that many WLS patients can eat anything they want months down the road, just in small portions. But that is not the case with everyone. I've heard of one person that cannot tolerate beef any longer, someone else that can't eat chicken, and someone else that ate one Tootsie Roll and was on the floor vomiting for many hours. So, all bodies are different, and only God knows how mine will respond. So every bagel, every glass of cold Cola-Cola on ice, every piece of pizza, every brownie, might just be the last.. And I've got to be prepared for that and be ok with that. At first there was sorrow...And to people without food issues, I'm sure that will be hard to understand. Food has been a primary comfort for me for a long, long, long time. It's time to let that go. Now, surgery will not cure THAT disease.. that's in the head and heart and mind and might very well take the rest of my life to "cure"...if it's ever cured at all...But the actual indulgence must stop, and I realize that, and know that this is the time.

As I said, so many amazing things are happening..I am so grateful to God for revealing so many truths for me...for guiding me into truth...These amazing thoughts come to me at random times during the day, and I am truly blown away at times...thus the Truth Overload title...

I've pondered on all I'm letting go of, and all that is in store for me to gain. People that have not lived an obese lifestyle will never understand. It's so easy to refer to fat people as lazy or undisciplined or unwilling to work and try. It's so easy to say that WLS is the easy way out. I have feared telling everyone about my upcoming changes for fear of being judged. But I am becoming more and more passionate about sharing my truth, the truth of this surgery, the hope that is now in my heart that has been squelched for years and years and years. There is such a preconceived notion and double standard and judgment in our country about those that are obese. As I think of it, it infuriates me how this country sets people up... Our society tends to be lazy as a whole, living in this fast food, microwave, give-it-to-me-now culture. Yet our models are size 0 and anorexic and we judge those who are obese. But the truth is that until you have walked in a fat chic's shoes you cannot judge her.

Anyway, I'm starting to preach I guess, and that is not my intent. I often learn and think as I write...So I guess blogging is partly, or mainly, for my benefit. And if others can learn or be enlightened too, then excellent!!

Now, why did I start that sermon..oh yeah...I was thinking about how much things will change in the next few days as I start my liquid diet. Some feel sorry for me for having to do it, but I am almost excited. Sure, I know it will be hard. I know I'll miss the crunch of food, or the chewing process. But in many ways, it's like I've arrived. All these years and years of obesity will soon end, and it begins with Monday. My doctor has ordered this, so I will do it. No one would question the cancer patient having chemo... it's just part of the treatment... And this is mine. It will shrink my liver so the surgery will go smoothly and so they can access my organs better. It will cause me to drop some weight before-hand so I'll be even healthier to undergo surgery. Maybe it will help me recover faster. But it's good for my mind most of all, I think. Because I'm saying "OK! this is it! the race has started...the journey has begun..fasten your seat belts!!!" It will help me to truly focus I believe...

Speaking of focus, some Christians fast on a regular basis. It's a very humbling ritual. I actually did this for two weeks during my first marriage. It's a way of saying God, I'm broken and I'm humble and I'm desperate and I don't know how else to tell you but this but to empty myself of all I am and plead for you to hear me... I confess my two-week fast not to declare some sort of righteousness, cause LORD KNOWS that ain't true!!! I'm just realizing that there is a connection here. I'm seeing this liquid diet in sort of the same way; a way to cleanse my body and my mind and get ready for the journey that is ahead of me...To become focused and diligent and vigilant... This is going to be THE HARDEST thing I've probably ever done....so mental vigilance will certainly be needed.

Support will also be needed, which is another reason for the blog and another reason I'm thinking of being more honest about all this. I know each person has to do what is best for them. I've heard some WLS patients say that they tell everyone they meet that they've had surgery and other people that don't tell anyone. I know people work it they way they have to. I'm just starting to think about maybe being more open about it (as if posting something on a global website isn't open)....Ha..I crack myself up.

Ok...here are a few bullet truths...Then I've got to let my brain rest...It hurts and is so weary from thinking so much!

• I cried to hubby last night as I was having my first melt-down and told him that this was the hardest thing I've ever done. He replied with, "yes, but it's going to be fun!"...And I realized how true that was. There are so many fun things that are yet to come..
• As I was pouring my coffee this morning (which I am trying to wean myself off of) and thinking how few cups I had less in my near future I realized that I was thinking more positively. I wasn't mourning of what I was letting go of. I, instead, had this amazing thought... I'm not letting go of anything.. I'm trading one thing for something else.. I'm trading that pizza and french toast and cold coke on ice and chocolate for being able to rock climb with my sister, and hike with my brother, and canoe with my husband, and shop in normal stores...The list can go on and on.. And it will...I plan to make a list of all I want to do that I've never been able to..or not in years and years anyway...So if ever I miss food, I can see all that I'm trading it for. I know that my "thin list" will be much weightier than my fat list.. Ironic huh?
• I'm noticing things being different around me already. But yet nothing around me has changed. So what has changed? That would be me...Amazing how much a way of thinking can change your life huh?
• In talking to my sweet sis, I realized how very much this obesity has affected my life. I never really knew. I think I had just gotten so used to it. Obesity had beaten me. I surrendered. I gave up. I accepted that this was how life was. It was better than the alternative: Diet after diet, failure, disappointment, etc. I've been in this state so long that I didn't even know how much it had affected me. I think my mind will continue to be blown as I shed this old me and as I discover the person that's been hiding in this obese body.
• Also in talking to sweet sis, I realized through her insight that this surgery has given me hope, and that is what has set me free. Now that I don't have to worry about being obese, my mind is freed for tackling other problems. Which is funny as I write that, because I never knew my mind was worried about being obese. I think I was just overall overwhelmed about my entire life in general. I didn't know where to start, so I really didn't tackle anything.

Ok, I could post more bullets, but my brain hurts. My house is a wreck, I don't think my hubby has a clue why my mind is going at the speed its going, I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but my heart is sure at peace. I feel liberated and excited about all that is yet to come. Fasten your seatbelts folks...We're in for a ride!!

Photo by Sandra Woods

Being still

I have had such a delightful morning. This book I'm reading has really started a neat process.

I've had this anxiety for a couple of days or so, maybe a week... I realized that when I was reading about the surgery, journaling, talking about it, that I wasn't feeling anxious. My old critical, judgmental self says "don't be anxious! The Bible says be anxious for nothing!!..." But that doesn't change the fact that I AM anxious. That it's real. I realized this morning that the achy, naggy feeling is like a newborn baby or my new puppy. It's crying because it needs something. Saying "don't be anxious. The Bible says be anxious for nothing" is like telling the baby/puppy not to cry cause the mama said not do. There is a need that needs to be met. Saying "don't do it, don't feel it" doesn't make the need go away.

I realized that the anxiety is my "spirit" saying it needs something. (Spirit and spirit are two things that I want to write about/address at some point later...)

The perfectionist part of me was longing for a place to go and be quiet, a retreat, a place to think, journal, pray, read, whatever... I wanted the "perfect" place. This morning I took my coffee my journal and went out on my front porch, propped my feet up and was still. The Bible says to be still and know that he is God...but it doesn't say what being still means. I guess knowing the original language would help..(where's John Allen when I need him).. I presume being still can mean lots of things. This morning I left my "world" behind, sat on my porch with the incredible sounds of nature around me (albeit sounds of occasional traffic and gunshots from the National Forrest firing range across the street..thus the "lack of perfection" for my retreat), and met with my spirit. And guess what..the anxiety went away. The Spirit/spirit debate is what trips me up and what makes me worry what my readers may think (why do I worry about that?!?!).. Is meeting with my spirit and meeting with God the same thing? The new agers would say yes..the fundamentalist Christians would say no..

Regardless, I had a very powerful, positive time and learned a lot. God is truth. God is honest. God is all about confronting things head on. So I don't see why he couldn't have moved in me this morning without a sermon, Scripture, getting on my knees, a traditional devotional book, whatever. If God spoke through a rock and a donkey I guess he can speak anyway he chooses.

I have no need to be anxious. God is doing a work and I know that it's not time for my life to be over. I know that it is just beginning. I know that two weeks from today I will be born again again :) No disrespect meant by that at all.. It will be a rebirth, a new start, the beginning of many, many new things. Changes will take place in my body. But changes are beginning already in my mind and in my spirit.

I am blessed and I am grateful. God is up to something good. I am excited. I am expectant. And I will strive to be still whenever needed, in whatever imperfect place it might occur, to get to know myself more, to be honest and truthful with myself and with God, and to experience change.

Coming out of the closet...

No, not THAT closet... :) I have something that I do want to reveal though that I've been hiding. Not necessarily hiding, because there are many that know. But usually my life is an open book, and this has not been revealed in such a way.

My "secret" is somewhat controversial and may come with judgements..so this is why I haven't shouted it to the world. But then I realized that goes against everything I'm about. Now, I will be the first to admit that I do need to learn some healthy boundaries..But, I am about honesty, about truth, education and correcting ignorance; about enlightenment. How can others know, or learn, if I choose to be silent? Sure, keeping it in is "safe"...but haven't I been one that would rather do what is best and right rather than what is safe?

Well, I've probably hyped it up too much now. But my truth is this...I have decided to win this war with obesity and am going to have gastric bypass surgery on July 31, just a few short weeks away. I have decided to come "out of the closet" for several reasons. One, I am dealing with fear and anxiety and need support. I need prayer and I need love and friendship. Of course those closest to me already to know about my upcoming transformation, and I do have lots of support already. And honestly, probably anyone who reads this probably doesn't have too much to offer me.. But I guess, as it says, the truth will set you free. Maybe just by it no longer being somewhat of a private matter I will become more brave, more strong.

I also wanted to disclose in such a way so that my journey can be recorded. I am keeping my own private diary, but I want to encourage others. I want those around me, or those in my life who aren't around me on a daily basis necessarily, to be able to know what's going on, to follow my progress.

Thirdly, I hope that by documenting my journey that someone can learn, grow, be changed, whatever... I am reading the greatest book called "Exodus from Obesity: The Guide to Long-Term Success After Weight Loss Surgery (WLS)"..The author Paula Peck has inspired me in many ways, and one is to be open... That's what I'm about, and that's what this blog has been about for three years and counting. What better place to share my journey?

This surgery has been on my mind for years and I've been on this particular journey towards making this happen for 8 months. Needless to say, there is much to be shared and much to be said. Ideally, I would like to blog regularly and share my progress, feelings, fears, etc. History shows that ideals do not always pan out :) So, I will do my best, and be gracious to myself, be as honest as possible with myself and others, and share as I am able...

I don't know if I have any faithful readers any longer...They may have all given up on me! But if anyone does read this, please pray for me on July 31. 8 am! (Eastern)... I am pumped and ready to go... My seatbelt is fastened (and snug for only a brief bit longer!) and I am ready for the ride of my life.

The depths of me

I have spent a little time reading through past blog posts today. I think I needed that. I have come across many people from my childhood recently and have my 20th high school reunion approaching. I've had so many feelings come up: The insecurities of high school, the doubting and questioning who you are...The cruelty of kids.. But these posts have been so good for me because they are my TRUTH.. The truth is not that I'm a fat kid. The truth is not that I didn't make the dance team, or that I was so foolish to even try out. The truth is not that the cool boys won't ever like me. That may have been my truth once. But my truth now is that I am a woman of passion, of integrity... I am a good friend. I have a heart full of love. I am compassionate and generous. I am far from perfect.. I fall short in so many ways. But God has given me depth and a seeker's heart. These posts remind me who I truly am. It's hard to shut out the voices of others (or the voices that you THINK are the opinions of others, which may times are not true at all) and hold your head up high remembering the TRUTH of who you really are...

I have so far still to go. But I have COME SO FAR... I pray this continually, but God, please give me courage to be who I really am. To hold my head up high and be brave. To focus on MY truth. On what REALLY is... Not on what I think it is, or on what other's may think I am. Thank you for my depths and all you've created me to be.

The Wonderful World of Books

(Originally posted November, 2005 - Edited January 2008)

I don't read near like I should; nor do I read exactly what I should. I go through phases where I'm reading constantly and then I won't read for months at all.

My grandfather was an amazing man and an avid reader. He read thousands of books throughout his lifetime and kept record of every book that he read. I always liked the thought of that. Almost two years ago I started the same tradition. I've kept the titles written in a lovely pink and white polka dotted journal but thought that I'd list them here as well so that I can share them. Most of my reading is for pleasure. In the beginning of 2004 when I began to record my readings, I was involved with a man who really challenged me intellectually and I was trying to read more "weighty" books. As the months progressed (and he progressed out of my life) the books came much more "fluff"...

It's really odd... I enjoy theology, psychology, deep conversations, history and biographies. But for some reason, reading these things seems like work to me, and reading has always been for fun. I hope that I can challenge myself to push beyond my borders and challenge my brain a bit. It's a constant source of frustration for me. (Of course I AM in medical transcription school and am studying medical terminology constantly. I DO stretch my brain a pretty good bit with that!!!) (I had to add that because I can be too hard on myself sometimes).

Well, that was much more of a preface than what was needed. I hope you enjoy my list. If you have books to share, books in common, please do tell! (I will update this list and bring it up to the top of of my posts when there is a new listing. Also, the date after the book is the date I completed the book.) My favorites are in bold. :o)

Rereading the Patricia Cornwell Kay Scarpetta series in preparation for her newest book:

• Postmortem - December 2007
• Body of Evidence - December 2007
• All That Remains - December 2007
• Cruel and Unusual - January 2008
• The Body Farm - January 2008
• From Potter's Field - January 2008

*The Memory Keeper's Daughter, December, 2007

*Magical Thinking; Augusten Burroughs. October 15, 2007.

*The Time Traveler's Wife; Audrey Niffenegger. October 4, 2007.

*Bright Lights, Big Ass; Jen Lancaster. September 13, 2007.

*Possible Side Effects; Augusten Burroughs. September 2, 2007.

*The Husband; Dean Koontz. September 1, 2007.

*Bitter is the New Black; Jen Lancaster. August, 2007.

*The Fourth Hand; John Irving. August, 2007.

*The Devil Wears Prada; Lauren Weisberger. August, 2007.

*Dry; Augusten Burroughs. July, 2007.

*Alphabet Weekends; Elizabeth Noble. June, 2007.

*I Know This Much is True; Wally Lamb. June, 2007.

*The Myth of You and Me; Leah Stewart. March, 2007.

*Running with Scissors; Augusten Burroughs. March, 2007.

*My Sister's Keeper; Jodi Picoult. December, 2006.

*Second Time Around; Mary Higgins Clark. December, 2006.

*Light on Snow; Anita Shreve. November 30, 2006.

*Coming Out; Danielle Steele. November 27, 2006.

*Little Earthquakes; Jennifer Weiner. November 25, 2006.

*The Lovely Bones; Alice Sebold. September 10, 2006.

*Little Bitty Lies; Mary Kay Andrews. September 6, 2006.

*Indelible; Kerin Slaughter. August 28, 2006.

*Lost in the Forrest; Sue Miller. August 25, 2006.

*The Lincoln Lawyer; Michael Connelly. August 24, 2006.

*The Bodacious Book of Succulence; SARK. August 16, 2006.

*The Secret Life of Bees; Sue Monk Kidd. August 8, 2006.

*Divining Women; Kaye Gibbons. August 3, 2006.

*She's Come Undone; Wally Lamb. August 1, 2006.

*Savannah Blues; Mary Kay Andrews. July 26, 2006.

*The Pact; Jodi Picoult. July 19, 2006.

*Good in Bed; Jennifer Weiner. May 15, 2006.

*A Million Little Pieces; James Frey. May 7, 2006.

*Memoirs of a Geisha; Arthur Golden. May 2, 2006.

*The Magician's Nephew; C.S. Lewis. April 24, 2006.

*Don't Say a Word; Barbara Freethy. January 5, 2006

*Faithless; Karin Slaughter. December 29, 2005

*Blood Memory; Greg Isles. December 2005

*Life Expectancy; Dean Koontz. November 22, 2005

*Predator; Patricia Cornwell. November 19, 2005

*A Faint Cold Fear; Karin Slaughter, October, 2005

*Swampfire; Patricia Potter, October, 2005

*Tangle of Lies; Patricia Potter, September, 2005

*The Divinci Code; Dan Brown, May 2005

*Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban, JK Rowling, April 4, 2005

*Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets, JK Rowling, March 24, 2005

*Harry Potter & the Sorcer's Stone, JK Rowling, March 17, 2005

*Digital Fortress, Dan Brown, March 12, 2005

*Angels and Demons, Dan Brown, March 8, 2005

*He's Just Not that Into You, Greg Behrendt, March 2005

*The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right; Ellen Fein, January, '05

*Marathoning for Mortals, John Bingham, November 11, 2004

*The Courage to Start, John Bingham, October 28, 2004

*Trace, Patricia Cornwell, October 01, 2004

*Relationship Rescue, Dr. Phil, September 19, 2004

*In Her Shoes, Jennifer Weiner, September 16, 2004

*Don't Call That Man, Rhonda Findling, June 1, 2004

*Wouldn't Take Nothing for my Journey Now, Maya Angelou, May 31, 2004

*The Commitment Cure; Rhonda Findling, May 25, 2005

*Five Men Who Broke My Heart, Susan Shapiro, May 11, 2004

*Sleepwalking, Julie Myerson, May 2, 2004

*A Virtous Woman, April 29, 2004

*Succulent Wild Woman: Dancing with your Wonder-full self, SARK; April 21, 2004

*A Widow for One year, John Irving, April 21, 2004

*The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver, April 8, 2004

*A Short Guide to a Happy Life, Anna Quindlen; March 28, 2004

*Back Roads, Tawni O'Dell, March 28, 2004

*The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison, March 27, 2004

*What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man's Mind Really Works: Michael Gurian, March 25, 2004

*The Lost Boy, Dave Pelzer, March 23, 2004

*A Child Called It, Dave Pelzer, March 22, 2004

*White Oleander, Janet Fitch, March 21, 2004

*Skinny Legs and All, Tom Robbins, March 16, 2004

*To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee, March 8, 2004

*The Cider House Rules, John Irving, February 29, 2004

*The Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting, Ericka Lutz, February 16, 2004

*A Prayer for Owen Meany, John Irving, February 14, 2004

*A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole, February 2004