Controlling what I can

I have never really been a huge fan of exercise. Many of you know I walked a half marathon at 300 pounds and have had countless gym memberships. I think I like the idea of exercise more than I like exercise itself. I get in "work-out mode" and work out regularly for a month or two and then eventually quit. I think I may have had a breakthrough recently though in regards to exercise.

My life is crazy lately, and there are so many things out of my control. I can't control the people around me. I can't control how people respond. I can apply for jobs but can't control how fast people reply or what the outcome is. I've been so frustrated as of late as I'm so ready for changes to be made and things to happen, but I'm learning to wait. The most amazing thing has entered my mind lately though.. I CAN control my body! How cool is that?

I went for a walk/jog the other day (I'm learning that I seem to want to downplay what I'm doing.. I've dreamt of being a runner all my life but have trouble calling myself that.. I have to make sure I call it jogging and not running...and have to be sure that I let everyone know that I'm walking too, because I can't jog the whole time.. sheesh..). I had some amazing moments as I was RUNNING and listening to some of my favorite songs on my Mp3 player.. One is the song "Maniac" from Flashdance.. Many of you will remember that video from the 80s.. I have this incredible memory of that chic running in place and sweating her butt off...such a powerful motivator in regards to exercise.. So anyway, I'm RUNNING, and that song comes on.. And it was a POWERFUL moment..The moment I've wished for for so many years.. I'm running and listening to that song with a huge smile on my face...Anyone who saw me probably thought I was crazy...RUNNING gives me such a feeling of power...such an amazing feeling of accomplishment...

Another amazing moment was when I was listening to "This Is My Now" by Jordin Sparks. I've heard that song so many times, and it's never really affected me before, but I literally wept while I was running and listening to that song. This surgery has changed my life and I am standing up for myself. I don't want to settle for mediocrity. I want to life a full life..The song inspired me to rise above the struggles and to claim victory...This is my time! When I get frustrated about my circumstances and things that are out of my control, I can simply get my body moving and release all that tension and say here's what I CAN control...That was such a powerful realization for me...

My thoughts are kind of scattered, and I feel like this is not my best writing.. but I've been wanting to share these thoughts for several days, so there they are friends...