Truth Overload

I am learning and growing so much every day that I don't even have enough time to write it all down! Such amazing stuff is happening, and I haven't even had the surgery yet. I think as I learn things I'm going to just have to write them in bullet form... There's not enough time in my day to expand on it all!

Just to summarize what's been going on, and then I'll share all of my enlightenment.. :) Tomorrow is my last day to eat as a "fat person"... I was saying "eat like a normal person," then I realized that if I ate normally I would not be in this predicadament! At first, it felt like I was trying to cram every good thing down for fear I would never have it again. The truth is that many WLS patients can eat anything they want months down the road, just in small portions. But that is not the case with everyone. I've heard of one person that cannot tolerate beef any longer, someone else that can't eat chicken, and someone else that ate one Tootsie Roll and was on the floor vomiting for many hours. So, all bodies are different, and only God knows how mine will respond. So every bagel, every glass of cold Cola-Cola on ice, every piece of pizza, every brownie, might just be the last.. And I've got to be prepared for that and be ok with that. At first there was sorrow...And to people without food issues, I'm sure that will be hard to understand. Food has been a primary comfort for me for a long, long, long time. It's time to let that go. Now, surgery will not cure THAT disease.. that's in the head and heart and mind and might very well take the rest of my life to "cure"...if it's ever cured at all...But the actual indulgence must stop, and I realize that, and know that this is the time.

As I said, so many amazing things are happening..I am so grateful to God for revealing so many truths for me...for guiding me into truth...These amazing thoughts come to me at random times during the day, and I am truly blown away at times...thus the Truth Overload title...

I've pondered on all I'm letting go of, and all that is in store for me to gain. People that have not lived an obese lifestyle will never understand. It's so easy to refer to fat people as lazy or undisciplined or unwilling to work and try. It's so easy to say that WLS is the easy way out. I have feared telling everyone about my upcoming changes for fear of being judged. But I am becoming more and more passionate about sharing my truth, the truth of this surgery, the hope that is now in my heart that has been squelched for years and years and years. There is such a preconceived notion and double standard and judgment in our country about those that are obese. As I think of it, it infuriates me how this country sets people up... Our society tends to be lazy as a whole, living in this fast food, microwave, give-it-to-me-now culture. Yet our models are size 0 and anorexic and we judge those who are obese. But the truth is that until you have walked in a fat chic's shoes you cannot judge her.

Anyway, I'm starting to preach I guess, and that is not my intent. I often learn and think as I write...So I guess blogging is partly, or mainly, for my benefit. And if others can learn or be enlightened too, then excellent!!

Now, why did I start that sermon..oh yeah...I was thinking about how much things will change in the next few days as I start my liquid diet. Some feel sorry for me for having to do it, but I am almost excited. Sure, I know it will be hard. I know I'll miss the crunch of food, or the chewing process. But in many ways, it's like I've arrived. All these years and years of obesity will soon end, and it begins with Monday. My doctor has ordered this, so I will do it. No one would question the cancer patient having chemo... it's just part of the treatment... And this is mine. It will shrink my liver so the surgery will go smoothly and so they can access my organs better. It will cause me to drop some weight before-hand so I'll be even healthier to undergo surgery. Maybe it will help me recover faster. But it's good for my mind most of all, I think. Because I'm saying "OK! this is it! the race has started...the journey has begun..fasten your seat belts!!!" It will help me to truly focus I believe...

Speaking of focus, some Christians fast on a regular basis. It's a very humbling ritual. I actually did this for two weeks during my first marriage. It's a way of saying God, I'm broken and I'm humble and I'm desperate and I don't know how else to tell you but this but to empty myself of all I am and plead for you to hear me... I confess my two-week fast not to declare some sort of righteousness, cause LORD KNOWS that ain't true!!! I'm just realizing that there is a connection here. I'm seeing this liquid diet in sort of the same way; a way to cleanse my body and my mind and get ready for the journey that is ahead of me...To become focused and diligent and vigilant... This is going to be THE HARDEST thing I've probably ever done....so mental vigilance will certainly be needed.

Support will also be needed, which is another reason for the blog and another reason I'm thinking of being more honest about all this. I know each person has to do what is best for them. I've heard some WLS patients say that they tell everyone they meet that they've had surgery and other people that don't tell anyone. I know people work it they way they have to. I'm just starting to think about maybe being more open about it (as if posting something on a global website isn't open)....Ha..I crack myself up.

Ok...here are a few bullet truths...Then I've got to let my brain rest...It hurts and is so weary from thinking so much!

• I cried to hubby last night as I was having my first melt-down and told him that this was the hardest thing I've ever done. He replied with, "yes, but it's going to be fun!"...And I realized how true that was. There are so many fun things that are yet to come..
• As I was pouring my coffee this morning (which I am trying to wean myself off of) and thinking how few cups I had less in my near future I realized that I was thinking more positively. I wasn't mourning of what I was letting go of. I, instead, had this amazing thought... I'm not letting go of anything.. I'm trading one thing for something else.. I'm trading that pizza and french toast and cold coke on ice and chocolate for being able to rock climb with my sister, and hike with my brother, and canoe with my husband, and shop in normal stores...The list can go on and on.. And it will...I plan to make a list of all I want to do that I've never been able to..or not in years and years anyway...So if ever I miss food, I can see all that I'm trading it for. I know that my "thin list" will be much weightier than my fat list.. Ironic huh?
• I'm noticing things being different around me already. But yet nothing around me has changed. So what has changed? That would be me...Amazing how much a way of thinking can change your life huh?
• In talking to my sweet sis, I realized how very much this obesity has affected my life. I never really knew. I think I had just gotten so used to it. Obesity had beaten me. I surrendered. I gave up. I accepted that this was how life was. It was better than the alternative: Diet after diet, failure, disappointment, etc. I've been in this state so long that I didn't even know how much it had affected me. I think my mind will continue to be blown as I shed this old me and as I discover the person that's been hiding in this obese body.
• Also in talking to sweet sis, I realized through her insight that this surgery has given me hope, and that is what has set me free. Now that I don't have to worry about being obese, my mind is freed for tackling other problems. Which is funny as I write that, because I never knew my mind was worried about being obese. I think I was just overall overwhelmed about my entire life in general. I didn't know where to start, so I really didn't tackle anything.

Ok, I could post more bullets, but my brain hurts. My house is a wreck, I don't think my hubby has a clue why my mind is going at the speed its going, I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but my heart is sure at peace. I feel liberated and excited about all that is yet to come. Fasten your seatbelts folks...We're in for a ride!!

Photo by Sandra Woods