Valleys

You know, it's kind of funny. It used to be that I only blogged when things weren't going well for me. I think writing was some kind of release. When I was happy, I'd be silent for months. Now I find that I only want to write when I'm feeling positive. I guess I see this WLS (and sharing about it) as such an educational thing. I want to encourage those behind me, or educate those who don't understand. But...I presume that writing about the bad times and then later writing how I overcame is where the encouragement can take place.

Things haven't been horrible, but I have been struggling...I'm not regretting my decision, just struggling with the process. Some say after WLS they have no desire for food. My case is that my head, the addictive part of me, CRAVES it...It's so hard to see the places I used to eat and know I cannot eat that stuff, or if I do eat it in the amounts I WANT to, I'll get sick. But you know what? THIS is why I made this decision.

I love what Sandra says about it.. She says that it's like she pulled an intervention on herself, without her knowledge... Obviously I knew I was doing this...But the food addict in me had no clue how hard it would be. But this is the blessing about the surgery...and why it works when diets don't... On a diet, you CAN cheat...you can take a day off..you can give up and give in...Now, sure, I could go get a Domino's pizza right now, but I'd just throw it up...And have wasted the money...I hear that there WILL be a day when I can eat what I want in moderation (with probably the exception of sugar and lots of carbs).. That day is just not here yet. And my insides miss it.. Not my belly, as in, I'm not hungry at all...But my flesh, my human nature, my part that loves to feel good, sure misses it a heck of a lot...So I guess I'm going through some mourning...

Not only have I given up what I crave most, but I am having to do such seemingly impossible tasks...Sandra and I came up with this great analogy.. (and I'm sure I've written about how much I love analogies..) Here is the struggle...Imagine it's Thanksgiving day and you have eaten until you cannot eat any more..You feel sick, bloated, having to unzip your zipper, all that stuff.. Ok...Imagine that you HAVE to continue to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat.. And what makes it worse is that it's stuff you hate...Sure you might could fit in an extra bite of pecan pie, but what if it was something nasty? What's the point, right??? That is what every day feels like for me.. I'm not sick and bloated, but I have no appetite and eating is a STRUGGLE...My baby stomach is so very small..So you have to just consume, and consume, and consume all day... And it's not fun food!!! It's not horrible, but it's sure not the comfort food I'm used to, the food I crave...

I'm sure that one day I will get used to it.. I will grow up emotionally and spiritually and learn that food is for nourishment...(Of course I'm learning that the hard way now.. it's just taking forever for my head to catch up with all that..)...I pray I learn to find my comfort in things that are healthy and good for me.. And I'll begin to reap all the rewards of losing weight and I will love it... Maybe one day I'll get to run that marathon and I'll weep at the finish line and say, "no food compares to this..." For now, it's new and fresh, and 5 weeks without comfort food in my body just isn't enough time I presume...

I fully believe this is a full-on addiction. It could just be a lifetime of bad habits, and genes and all that. But this inner struggle is more than I can put into words. But I loved something that Sandra said...She said that any other addict (alcoholic, drug addict, whatever) would jump at the chance to have a surgery to help with their addiction. Obviously it doesn't take the addiction away (as evidenced by all my ramblings above), but it sure helps nip the big problem in the bud... It's like I always said when deciding to have this surgery.. Losing weight was impossible before because you had the mechanics of losing the weight, all the clinical stuff, AND all the emotional, comfort-food, addiction crap with it... The surgery just takes care of a major, major, major part of it.. Now my part is to deal with the internal stuff...And there is no comforting with food now!!! So I'm having to face the demon head on...

So there, my friends, is the valley. I call it a valley because I know there will be a mountaintop one day. I know it's only for a season. And I AM 29 pounds down since starting my liquid diet 5 weeks ago... How could THAT ever happen without surgery?? Even better than that, I don't have to worry about if I'll ever see those numbers again...So, I know in my head that WLS is still a huge blessing, and that the rewards will come...

Thanks for your prayers and your support as I continue in this journey towards health and healing, not only in body, but in mind.