Crying over meatballs

I swear I really did this tonight. I cried over meatballs. NOW, I will say that I am all kind of hormonal, my sleep schedule has been somewhat messed up, I have a lot on my mind, and I haven't been able to take my anti-depressant in two months that I was doing very well on pre-surgery (that's a whole other post all together)...So, my emotions are all over the map. But, I REALLY cried over meatballs.

The story: I have found, as I've written before, that a lot of my mental struggles over missing food seem to be associated with things that I used to love in my former life. There is one place that delivers to where we live in the boonies, and I used to love to order meatball subs for me and hubby when I didn't feel like cooking. I grew to love them. I had a rough day today and was in no mood to cook, so I decided to order the sandwiches. I knew I couldn't eat the sandwich per say, but I've had good responses to beef as of late, so I figured I could eat some of the meatballs and save the rest for later.

Hubby got home from work and devoured his right away while I was deep into a STAT report for work that I could not get away from. When I finally finished the report, SAM was already in bed watching television. I brought him some SF ice cream and ate my meatballs with him. Whenever I eat something that is exciting, totally tasty, I get this sense of urgency. I feel like I just HAVE to get it in as fast as I can...Memories of doing this pre-surgery come back all the time. What is that about? Why am I in such a hurry? What need does that meet? (ha.. i typed meat..food on my mind much?!!?) SAM mentioned how fast I was eating and that I needed to slow down. (If I eat too fast I throw it up. It happens a lot. But I realize that it mainly happens with foods that I'm excited about.) I immediately began to cry. He said it to me in a very sweet manner, so it's not because of what he said. It's because he was RIGHT. It's because I had this desire to completely ravage this food and I simply cannot do it. I started bawling and said how much I miss food and that I felt like I was in detox. I'M HAVING DTs!!! I took some deep breaths and slowed down and watched TV with him and at the rest of the meatballs slowly. After it was over I was fine. The whole thing just really struck me.

I know that there many who relate to this addiction. I just wish that I could make sense of it. I hope, I pray, that with time this struggle will lessen. I hope that one day I love my new self so much that I'll say "I can't believe I really cried over meatballs!!!"...Even 43 pounds down and 8 weeks out (today!), it's still not enough... I'm still too close to where I used to be and I still miss it like crazy...