Process

Amazing how this all is a process. This morning I'm spewing hatred from my lips. This afternoon I'm making of list of things I can do for myself and for those around me. Things to occupy my mind and my time. Things to do to be productive and healthy and good to others around me.

You know, I blame Paul for this, but I was partly to blame. I settled. I know I did. He did not give me the time that I deserved. I spent weekends alone (looking back now, it was because he was with her). I spent nights alone. I spent evenings dressed and ready to go, doing nothing, as he was standing me up. I should have not tolerated it. After the very first night, I should have said no more will I be treated this way. But how do you know where to draw the line? Where is the line between self respect of myself and being patient towards others? Obviously, there was a point where I saw a pattern forming. And THAT should have been the point where I drew the line and said, "sorry assed man, you are GONE"....

I am also to blame because I gave my heart away too quickly. I should not allow someone to affect me this way until I KNOW they are trustworthy. Until I KNOW they are dependable and reliable and a person of TRUE ethics, morals and character. I must guard my heart with a vengence, protecting it because it is valuable... No one can protect it but me. No one can give it away but me. So, in a sense, I gave Paul permission to break my heart. I cannot do this again.

I am also to blame because I let many things go. This list I'm compiling today of things to do, things I NEED to be doing - these are things I should have been doing all along. I've got to make myself, my life, a priority. Doing what needs to be done. Taking care of my body, my mind, my spirit, the space around me, doing things for others.

These times of pain are absolutely no fun... But they seem to be the only time I do some serious soul searching; the times I get off my tail and am productive...

God,

Heal my broken heart and help me to cherish it. Help me to not give it away again until it is time. Help me to entrust myself to you and to take care of myself. You have entrusted this life to me, and I don't want to blow it. Help me to make a difference. Help me to be what you want me to be.

As much as I don't want to, I pray for Paul. I know he has some big issues and obviously some deep needs. Help me to forgive him and not to hate him. Do a work in his life and draw him to you.

Draw ME to you... Help me sort through all this mess of life and to find you among the rubble. Help me to trust you amidst the untrustworthy people of this world. Help me to see that you are not like them. Help me to seek YOU and not people.

Heal this mess that I am and make me like you...