Crying over meatballs

I swear I really did this tonight. I cried over meatballs. NOW, I will say that I am all kind of hormonal, my sleep schedule has been somewhat messed up, I have a lot on my mind, and I haven't been able to take my anti-depressant in two months that I was doing very well on pre-surgery (that's a whole other post all together)...So, my emotions are all over the map. But, I REALLY cried over meatballs.

The story: I have found, as I've written before, that a lot of my mental struggles over missing food seem to be associated with things that I used to love in my former life. There is one place that delivers to where we live in the boonies, and I used to love to order meatball subs for me and hubby when I didn't feel like cooking. I grew to love them. I had a rough day today and was in no mood to cook, so I decided to order the sandwiches. I knew I couldn't eat the sandwich per say, but I've had good responses to beef as of late, so I figured I could eat some of the meatballs and save the rest for later.

Hubby got home from work and devoured his right away while I was deep into a STAT report for work that I could not get away from. When I finally finished the report, SAM was already in bed watching television. I brought him some SF ice cream and ate my meatballs with him. Whenever I eat something that is exciting, totally tasty, I get this sense of urgency. I feel like I just HAVE to get it in as fast as I can...Memories of doing this pre-surgery come back all the time. What is that about? Why am I in such a hurry? What need does that meet? (ha.. i typed meat..food on my mind much?!!?) SAM mentioned how fast I was eating and that I needed to slow down. (If I eat too fast I throw it up. It happens a lot. But I realize that it mainly happens with foods that I'm excited about.) I immediately began to cry. He said it to me in a very sweet manner, so it's not because of what he said. It's because he was RIGHT. It's because I had this desire to completely ravage this food and I simply cannot do it. I started bawling and said how much I miss food and that I felt like I was in detox. I'M HAVING DTs!!! I took some deep breaths and slowed down and watched TV with him and at the rest of the meatballs slowly. After it was over I was fine. The whole thing just really struck me.

I know that there many who relate to this addiction. I just wish that I could make sense of it. I hope, I pray, that with time this struggle will lessen. I hope that one day I love my new self so much that I'll say "I can't believe I really cried over meatballs!!!"...Even 43 pounds down and 8 weeks out (today!), it's still not enough... I'm still too close to where I used to be and I still miss it like crazy...

What a great doc!

In listening to a medical transcription today, I encountered a doctor who was so compassionate towards this 320-pound woman. Here are his exact words:

Discussed weight with her at length. Told her that she is not alone in her difficulties with losing weight. Discussed bariatric surgery.

What I love about that is not that he mentioned bariatric surgery, but that he was so compassionate and sympathetic just in these few sentences. I have not had a history of doctors attacking me because of my obesity, but that seems to me to be a common approach. I have had a doctor or two in the past say "now what are we going to do about this weight" (who's WE? )... Or trying to counsel me on wise choices.. Not that those approaches don't work for some.. But for the morbidly obese, it seems quite trite..

I am just grateful for doctors like this. We are not alone in our struggles!!

On plateaus, Flo, and enmeshment...random, I know.

Hello friends.. I haven't posted in a while..Not because I've been doing poorly but because there really hasn't been anything going on.. I've had other non-WLS issues on my mind I presume..

I'm in the midst of a serious plateau!! Which I guess is important to write about too..And I was reminded tonight that plateaus are healthy.. I promised myself pre-surgery that I was not going to be one of those obsessive people that weighs every day and frets when there's not any weight lost.. Well guess what? I have officially become one of THOSE people...

***ESTROGEN ALERT FOR ANY MALES READING THIS***The nurse practitioner who follows Dr. Hodge's patients told me that my cycle could get all messed up... My cycle is usually very, very short.. (23 days - or has been for the past few years anyway) "Aunt Flo" has been trying to come and visit for weeks and weeks, and I really think that's messed me up.. Losing weight has messed up Flo and Flo has messed up losing weight :) When she finally arrived, it was almost 20 days late.. So I really think that has messed me up big time.. I'm glad that Jackie (the FNP) warned me about this..and now that I think about it, last time I was losing weight really fast (with Phentermine) I had the same issues with Flo...Hopefully once she leaves the weight loss will return.. I've only lost 1 pound in the past 2.5 weeks! :(

Ok, men, you can resume reading now.. I know that was probably a big time overshare, but I want people to know how all this can affect you. I want people to be able to learn from my experiences, if they are so inclined. So I share as I encounter.

The encouraging thing about the plateau is that as Sandra says, it's all math.. You can't weigh 250 pounds and exist on 500 calories a day and not lose weight. It's not mathematically possible. Another friend of mine said that in her personal experience, the times when she stopped losing was when she started losing inches.. almost as if the inches had to catch up with the pounds... I definitely can tell in my clothes, so that is encouraging. I do not measure as I should.. I took initial measurements the night before surgery, but have not taken them since.. I guess I should?

I still feel in kind of a dissociative state..Meaning, I have this radical eating transformation, and some changes are going on in my body, but the two haven't meshed.. I don't know if that makes sense or not.. There is so much strangeness to this process!

There is not only this dissociation between what I'm doing and who I'm becoming but also who I was and who I am becoming.. I still miss eating like crazy, but it's not constant.. It comes in waves.. It's really only with commercials now and then or while out and about and seeing restaurants or smelling things that were once my love.. I'm still waiting for that day when I have super-crazy manic energy or when I can run or cross my legs or shop in a non-fat-chic clothing store.. I think those will be the moments that the two will mesh and the dissociation will end. Or maybe it will never truly end? I do know that when those moments occur, that will be when I can say goodbye to the obese Traci, who though obese is still is so worthy of love, and say hello to the new healthy Traci. I love how another WLS friend said it. It's like an amicable divorce... Obese Traci who is food addicted, it's just not working anymore and we're going to have to part so that health and LIFE and FREEDOM can rule!

Until that time when the union of life changes and body changes takes place, I will continue on towards this journey of health and wholeness.. I will take these meds, and drink this protein, and eat these small bites, and try my hardest to follow the rules, to not rush ahead and push my little baby belly too hard, get enough rest, stay hydrated, be kind to myself, exercise as I am able, and wait for the transformation!! (But even as I say that, isn't there some saying that says the journey is not about the destination but the process?) Maybe I'm becoming enmeshed as I speak :) Ok, I've gotten too deep for myself.. and still have more protein to drink... Here's to growth, health, healing, and LIFE and FREEDOM friends!!

The details...or some of them anyway

As noted in my last post, I recently wrote to someone telling them about some of the details of the surgery process from application, insurance hoops, some of the actual surgery details..I know some people are reading that are researching/considering WLS...so I thought I'd share some of these things for anyone that may have questions.

There are many, many hoops to jump through, which in retrospect I understand. This is such a life-changing process.. I think they just want to know that people are serious about it. I had to do six months of "doctor supervised weight loss", which was really a joke. I basically just went to the surgeon's office once a month and weighed in. I didn't really lose weight during that time. I had to write a letter of why I wanted to have the surgery, provide five years of weight history from previous doctors showing that I'd been obese for a long time, have a gallbladder ultrasound, an EGD (looking at my stomach with a scope), go to a nutrition class, support group meetings, letter from my primary care doctor, a psych evaluation, and I think that's about it.. Enough huh? It was a lot of work. But, as I said, the surgery is much harder, so I guess they want to see your commitment. The whole process took me about 8 months, but I kind of stalled for a month or two.. I think if I had done everything right on time it would have taken me about 6.. Of course, every surgeon is different and all require different things. Once I was approved by insurance and had a surgery date, I also had to do some preop testing which involved an EKG, chest x-ray, blood work and urinalysis.

The surgery was done laparoscopically, and most are except for in very rare circumstances, then it's done with an open incision. I had 6 tiny incisions in different spots on my belly. Only one or two will actually leave a scar, I think. The actual surgery only took about an hour (I also had my gallbladder removed because i had gallstones, which was unknown to me until I had the ultrasound). The recovery was painful, but tolerable. Apparently I have a low pain tolerance and am a slow healer. Others that I've known have recovered much better, faster, than me. But I know it's all going to be worth it. The weight comes off SO fast. Probably by Christmas I'll be down at least 80 pounds.

As far as what's next for me, it's really about just getting healthy. I hope to start exercising soon (I've been very tired.. Part of it is the low caloric intake I think, probably no more than 500-600 calories a day, but part of it may be that I've heard the anesthesia can stay with you for up to a month.) So, I've just been taking it easy. There is what's called a honeymoon period, the first 6-12 months or so, when the weight just falls off, there isn't any, or much, hunger for most.. So I want to take advantage of this period and exercise to lose as much as I can. Statistics show that most people lose 75% of their excess weight in the first 18-24 months. So I want to use this opportunity to try to get as much off as I can. It becomes much more work after that..

Some people think this is an easy way out, but it is just the opposite. This is harder than any diet I've ever been on. It takes much more commitment and much more "head work." The surgery is just a tool, but it's got to be used in order to work. Unfortunately some gain their weight back, so it takes lots and lots of commitment. For me, I knew there was no other way. I've dieted all my life and been up and down. So, my options were to be obese or have surgery, and I was so tired of the former.

I'm hoping that this will increase my changes of fertility. I know that it will give me lots more energy, I'll feel better about myself, and I look forward to so many things that I haven't enjoyed in a very long time. It will be a new life. A challenging one, but one that will be so worth it.

This process really makes you work on yourself. One friend told me that it's easier to get rid of body fat than head fat. Meaning, for so many there is an emotional component to eating, and that's got to be nipped in the bud in order for this to work. It's a challenge, already, at only 4 weeks out. I miss eating so bad I can hardly stand it. But I know that when I can walk into Ann Taylor, The Limited, or whatever store, and be able to wear any cute, trendy thing I want, or when I run that marathon, it will all be worth it.

The Why

I have mentioned before that my writings have not only been a release for me, but also to educate and encourage. I know that there are so many people who don't know about WLS, or have misconceptions about it. I would like to do my best to share what I know and to share my journey along the way.

I recently wrote a friend telling them exactly what happened..what the whole process was like. I thought I'd share that here, for those that may be curious. But, before I do that, I want to share exactly WHY I did this.

I had to write a letter to my surgeon/insurance company stating why I wanted to have this surgery. I've decided to share that letter here. It's quite personal, and pretty intimate, but most will know that I am pretty open, these days especially. To quote an old cheezy Truth song (with different meaning of course), how will they know unless we tell them? Ha..that made me laugh..

Anyway, here's the letter. It was good for me to read again, myself, to keep things in perspective, to remember just why I put myself through this!!

February 3, 2008

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been asked to write a letter stating why I am considering gastric bypass surgery. This letter is to explain my reasoning and my weight-loss history to date.

I come from a family of overweight people. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. My memories of dieting go all the way back to age 11. This is not a new journey, but one that I have been on my entire life. As a teenager I was approximately 20-30 pounds overweight. As I recall, it seems that I gained approximately 10 pounds a year, with the exception of when I went to college as a freshman and gained 30 pounds. I reached 200 at the age of 23 and 300 at the age of 32.

I cannot count the number of diets that I have attempted, or the number of times that I have attempted each one. With each attempt, I always lost a little weight, but never more than an average of 30 pounds. There were 2 occasions where I lost 40-50 pounds. However, I was never able to keep off the weight that I lost. My dieting would eventually involve me getting discouraged, overwhelmed, defeated, and eventually giving up. I considered surgical intervention for the first time in 1993, but realized that I was not heavy enough at that point. I pursued it again in 2004 or 2005, but my insurance company denied the claim.

Over the years I came to accept myself as I was and began to focus on my positive qualities, my internal characteristics, intelligence, gifts, etc., and did not focus so much on my weight (although the dieting never really stopped). I dated and eventually married a man who did not care that I was overweight and ended up gaining 100 pounds in the decade that I was with him. After our divorce and a new marriage, however, I began to think about having children, only to find myself dealing with infertility. The fertility specialist I was seeing told me that losing weight could only help my fertility. This was a huge wake-up call for me.

I feel that I am at a different place than I was a decade ago when I detested myself because of my weight. I know of many morbidly obese people have an extremely low self-esteem because of their weight. I, on the other hand, have been trying to spend the past 10+ years on focusing on the internal rather than the external. I now have come to an impasse, however, in realizing that I am INDEED a morbidly obese woman. If I am able miraculously conceive a child, I would not want to carry it at my present weight. I also would not want to be a mother in the state that I am in. I would not be able to play with my child as I wanted, be a healthy role model, or have an active life with my child at my current weight. I also know that never in my life have I maintained my weight, but always seem to be gaining. And this is no type of life for a child. I have fears of one day being a home-bound or bed-bound individual, and I certainly would not want to be that type of parent for my child.

I also know that I am blessed after all these years to have ONLY struggled with depression, insomnia, migraines, infertility, low-back pain, and most recently, gall stones. I know that it is only a matter of time that I do have to face the realities of hypertension, diabetes, heart problems, etc. I know that many obese people are not so lucky, and I know that my day will come if I don’t do something.

I want so much more for my life than I have right now. I kind of wonder if I’m feeling like a conjoined twin must feel. They have had that other side of them for so long that they don’t know any different. That is kind of the way my weight has been for me. Prejudices, stereotypes, difficulties with dating, difficulties with intimacy, not fitting in airplane seats and movie seats, wondering if I’m going to fit into the booth in the restaurant.. these are just things I’ve accepted. However, after a close friend having recently had gastric bypass and having wonderful success, it has opened up my eyes to realize that change IS possible. I do not have to accept this part of me. There IS a way out.

My number one motivation for having this surgery is to get healthy so that I can do my best to conceive, carry a child in a healthy manner, and be an active mother and role model for my children. Secondly, I want to be proactive and prevent any long-term health issues that will eventually come as a result of my obesity. Thirdly, I want to be feel better about myself, feel more attractive as a woman/wife and to be able to be more active.

I told someone recently that to me dieting is like someone telling me to walk from Tennessee to California. Gastric bypass is like me still having to walk to California, but someone has given me wings. I know that it is not a miracle cure. I know that I still will have to work my butt off.. I just know that the surgery will make that possible for me. I don’t even try on my own anymore because I KNOW that I will fail. I know that I may lose a little weight, but that I will quit and eventually gain it back. I have done it over, and over, and over, and over.

I know that there is a huge emotional component to my eating and I know that this will not change with surgery. I am currently in therapy, on anti-depressants, and know that the internal work will just begin with surgery. I am committed to being all that I can be. I am committed to working on myself, and seeking help, communicating with others, and finding support. I just need the wings to help me get to the destination..

Thanks for your consideration..

Beautiful girl...repost

I originally wrote this in July of 2006. I found it today and it spoke to me, so I wanted to repost it. Even after WLS, even with 150 pounds gone, these words will still be important and oh so necessary....If only we focused on the inner value more than anything... beautiful girl
hold your head up high

don't believe their lies
the hurtful words they speak

your value, your worth
is more than gold

you are precious
unlike any other

so many gifts to give
to share with the world

hold your head high
be proud of who you are

speak the truth
of the value inside

don't let them tear you down
or wound the precious girl inside

be brave
be strong

rejoice in all that you are

beautiful girl

be strong
be brave

you are unlike any other,
beautiful girl

Valleys

You know, it's kind of funny. It used to be that I only blogged when things weren't going well for me. I think writing was some kind of release. When I was happy, I'd be silent for months. Now I find that I only want to write when I'm feeling positive. I guess I see this WLS (and sharing about it) as such an educational thing. I want to encourage those behind me, or educate those who don't understand. But...I presume that writing about the bad times and then later writing how I overcame is where the encouragement can take place.

Things haven't been horrible, but I have been struggling...I'm not regretting my decision, just struggling with the process. Some say after WLS they have no desire for food. My case is that my head, the addictive part of me, CRAVES it...It's so hard to see the places I used to eat and know I cannot eat that stuff, or if I do eat it in the amounts I WANT to, I'll get sick. But you know what? THIS is why I made this decision.

I love what Sandra says about it.. She says that it's like she pulled an intervention on herself, without her knowledge... Obviously I knew I was doing this...But the food addict in me had no clue how hard it would be. But this is the blessing about the surgery...and why it works when diets don't... On a diet, you CAN cheat...you can take a day off..you can give up and give in...Now, sure, I could go get a Domino's pizza right now, but I'd just throw it up...And have wasted the money...I hear that there WILL be a day when I can eat what I want in moderation (with probably the exception of sugar and lots of carbs).. That day is just not here yet. And my insides miss it.. Not my belly, as in, I'm not hungry at all...But my flesh, my human nature, my part that loves to feel good, sure misses it a heck of a lot...So I guess I'm going through some mourning...

Not only have I given up what I crave most, but I am having to do such seemingly impossible tasks...Sandra and I came up with this great analogy.. (and I'm sure I've written about how much I love analogies..) Here is the struggle...Imagine it's Thanksgiving day and you have eaten until you cannot eat any more..You feel sick, bloated, having to unzip your zipper, all that stuff.. Ok...Imagine that you HAVE to continue to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat.. And what makes it worse is that it's stuff you hate...Sure you might could fit in an extra bite of pecan pie, but what if it was something nasty? What's the point, right??? That is what every day feels like for me.. I'm not sick and bloated, but I have no appetite and eating is a STRUGGLE...My baby stomach is so very small..So you have to just consume, and consume, and consume all day... And it's not fun food!!! It's not horrible, but it's sure not the comfort food I'm used to, the food I crave...

I'm sure that one day I will get used to it.. I will grow up emotionally and spiritually and learn that food is for nourishment...(Of course I'm learning that the hard way now.. it's just taking forever for my head to catch up with all that..)...I pray I learn to find my comfort in things that are healthy and good for me.. And I'll begin to reap all the rewards of losing weight and I will love it... Maybe one day I'll get to run that marathon and I'll weep at the finish line and say, "no food compares to this..." For now, it's new and fresh, and 5 weeks without comfort food in my body just isn't enough time I presume...

I fully believe this is a full-on addiction. It could just be a lifetime of bad habits, and genes and all that. But this inner struggle is more than I can put into words. But I loved something that Sandra said...She said that any other addict (alcoholic, drug addict, whatever) would jump at the chance to have a surgery to help with their addiction. Obviously it doesn't take the addiction away (as evidenced by all my ramblings above), but it sure helps nip the big problem in the bud... It's like I always said when deciding to have this surgery.. Losing weight was impossible before because you had the mechanics of losing the weight, all the clinical stuff, AND all the emotional, comfort-food, addiction crap with it... The surgery just takes care of a major, major, major part of it.. Now my part is to deal with the internal stuff...And there is no comforting with food now!!! So I'm having to face the demon head on...

So there, my friends, is the valley. I call it a valley because I know there will be a mountaintop one day. I know it's only for a season. And I AM 29 pounds down since starting my liquid diet 5 weeks ago... How could THAT ever happen without surgery?? Even better than that, I don't have to worry about if I'll ever see those numbers again...So, I know in my head that WLS is still a huge blessing, and that the rewards will come...

Thanks for your prayers and your support as I continue in this journey towards health and healing, not only in body, but in mind.

A few challenges

I feel really good today and it sure feels good to feel good! My recovery has been a lot slower than I'd hoped and with several setbacks.

My latest setback was on Thursday when I went to have my drain removed. (By the way, it was a pretty painless process. The nurse told me that most patients tell her that it just feels weird, and that was exactly right. It was so bizarre...I guess I didn't realize how long it was inside my belly...And feeling it being pulled, from the inside, was very strange.. But needless to say, I was just glad it was gone. The drain was a humbling experience thinking of people that have to deal with foreign things to their bodies all the time...I felt guilt in complaining about it...) Thursday was my first day to drive, so I ran a few errands, came home, and was exhausted, and took a nap. I woke up from my nap with fever! I was pretty terrified... I did end up calling my surgeon that night and he was so gracious. He was not worried about it, nor was my RN hubby...I presume I should have trusted hubby...I was overly paranoid I guess.. But a fever after surgery is just a scary thing.. My drain site was pretty irritated, so I presume the fever was just from that. I had it for about a day and a half or so, then I was fine...

Support group was yesterday and I was really hesitant to go. I'd not been feeling well and had been a little down and tired, and just hated to show that side of it all to the newbies.. Then I realized that it's about all that too...Those researching need to see all sides of it.. The discouragement and the fear and the worry is a part of it alongside the weight loss and increase in activity and happiness. It's a package deal, and in all honest, I'm a tell-it-like-it-is, whole-package kind-of girl... so I'm proud that I went. Thank you, Sandra, for encouraging me to go!! I did end up getting blessed by it, and I seem to always meet someone new with a new story...

There has been so much excitement in my recent posts.. This journey is not going to be all excitement. There are going to be lots and lots of trials...They have already begun.. I'm already overwhelmed about all I have to try to fit in my little tummy.. There are not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do...And I'm not even working yet!! I have a tendency to get way overwhelmed...so this has been a problem...

I'm getting out more, which is good, but also a challenge. I am bombarded with the things I used to love. I have loved eating out since I was a child. It always brought some kind of comfort to me...not really sure why..But getting out of the house and seeing billboards and restaurants and fast food restaurants is a challenge. My tummy doesn't want the stuff, isn't even hungry at all, and couldn't even handle it.. But my head sure wants it... I have many, many years of bad habits, addictions even, and none of that disappears with this miraculous surgery. The battlefield is in the mind...

I have struggled for a long time with the mind over matter mindset...but is something that I really want to take hold of... Maybe this will be a turning point for me. Hubby and I went on a date last night and I went to a restaurant for the first time. I thought, you know, I can moan and groan about what I can't have, or I can just accept it...I've made this positive choice for myself and it is the way it is... I think it's going to take a lot more of that kind of thinking... Of course, eventually I'll have many, many things to replace what I'm letting go of...But at this stage in the game, it's new and fresh, and although I've lost some weight, the major advantages aren't here yet. But they will come. And it will be grand. In the mean time, I will battle and fight against the old me and look forward to all that is before me...

Thank each and every one of my loved ones who are keeping up with me and supporting me!! I don't know how I'd do it without you all...

The Wisdom of Mary Poppins

I just came across this fabulous quote today from Mary Poppins..

"Enough is as good as a feast."

I don't know the context, but I don't know that the context even really matters that much. That is such a powerful statement. Why it's taken WLS for me to truly understand and grasp that concept I will never understand. I've read so many stories about people who don't understand why they couldn't "get it" before hand...Why they had to go to such extremes to become healthy... And my goodness, I'm only 12 days into this process. But I am learning every day, and that quote just knocked my socks off.

The pre-WLS Traci wanted it all, wanted all the feast, all the time..I realize there is a huge heart issue there.. I mean, what's the essential problem in wanting all the freaking time? Selfishness, greed, lust, whatever...I know that WLS does nothing to change the inside. All is does is change my belly. My head and my heart will have to change, to learn to be content, to realize that enough IS as good as a feast. I can beat myself up for not learning it in my 38 years of life...or I can be very grateful that I have the opportunity to learn it now..And to live my remaining years healthy and content and grateful... I think the latter choice is a pretty darned good one as well... I'll take it!!

Postop Day 11

Things have been quiet over here because I have been in the bed on pain meds! Had a minor setback. I rode to Knoxville last Wednesday the 6th to take mom back to the airport. I'd been feeling well and hubby was going to be driving, so I assumed all would be fine. I had a pillow close to my tummy the whole way, but I guess all the jarring around of my insides was just too much. I ended up being in about as much pain as I was in at the hospital. :( So I've just been medicating and resting. Am finally on the upswing I think.

Had my first postop appointment today and that went great. The great news is that I got my staples out and was given permission to advance to the next stage of the diet. The not-so-great news is that my drain has to stay in until Thursday :(. But it's tolerable. It's for my best. All the pain I'm feeling is normal, so that's good to know. The key is to take it easy, rest, medicate when necessary, and get my nutrients in. This is a CHALLENGE! I never thought eating all day would be hard! But it is... There is so much needed to consume to stay healthy and nourished and there is only so much time and such a tiny little stomach now!!

The good thing is that I'm catching up on lots of TV. That's one thing I can do. I've read some, but have found that TV is just easier right now. I watched in the whole first season of Mad Men in several days and have found yet another show to be addicted to!

The day is gorgeous here. It's early August, not a cloud in the sky, and 75 degrees! This reminds me of why I live in TN!

Ok, about a half-hour is about my limit at the computer at this point. I guess it's Tivo time. Just wanted to let everyone know that I was still around! Oh yeah! And 20 pounds down too! :)

Best day yet...and remembering the why

The days keep getting better. I have more strength and energy today and the pain is not as bad. Honestly, I think the narcotics were keeping me down, just overall not in good shape. I feel stronger today and actually felt like talking to some friends on the phone.

I am feeling this yucky tightness in my stomach that I'm trying to figure out. As SOH says, the next year of my life is going to be a science experiment; figuring out what works and what doesn't, what my body likes and what it doesn't.

I had my first "uh oh" moment today. I cannot swallow whole pills for several months because of the tiny hole from my esophagus to my little baby stomach. I've begin using Tylenol instead of the big mama drugs, and had crushed the Tylenol and put it in another medication I'm taking that is in liquid form. I swallowed that fine and then put some water in the 1-oz cup to make sure I'd gotten all the medication. Without even thinking, I swallowed the whole ounce of water in one gulp. Baby tummy did not like that!! I could tell right away it wasn't a good thing. It was just a sharp pain that subsided quickly..but we learn from those experiences...

I watched Anne of Green Gables with mom today and just loved it. Sweet moments with my sweet mom! I will be sad when she leaves and will have to be a big girl and take care of myself now (and hubby too..how nice to have mom cooking for SAM!!)...The good thing is that day after tomorrow I'll be even stronger and more prepared to do what I need to do.

I have the dogs boarded for a good while and that has been such a blessing. Lulu would be a breeze, but the sweet baby boy puppy boy would have been a handful. I just don't know how I could take care of him right now! Thank goodness I have a wonderful lady who keeps them for me for such a reasonable cost. So that's been a load off of my back.

SOH said something today that just made me tear up...It's easy in this phase to get caught up in all the hard parts of this process. Obviously I'm not to any other stage yet... But many have said they would do this surgery again and again if they had to.. (which spoke volumes to me while I was in the hospital.. It's one thing to hear that and another thing to experience it).. Don't get me wrong, I'm having no regrets and am so excited of the life before me... It just has its hard moments, and when you don't have the good stuff yet to compare it, you just have to keep a level head. Anyway, SOH said, "Trust the YOU that made this decision to do this." I just loved that and it was just what I needed to hear. I made an excellent decision for my life, for my health, for my future, for so many things that still await me!!

I'm so excited to be able to share my journey with everyone. I am more open than many, and sometimes I wonder if I'm too open for me :)... Why the heck would anyone care about my stories anyway? Sometimes I have a nagging voice saying that to me.. "who do you think you are? what makes you so special that others would want to read or know?"...But then my spirit speaks and I realize that my truth is my truth. It doesn't belong to anyone else. No one can tell it like me. And although we are all at different stages in our journeys, there are people not yet to where am...And if they can learn and grow from me, then I am grateful for it.

I write with a humble heart and know there is nothing good in me on my own. I know that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So I thank him for these wonderful second chances, for loved ones, for words, for the freedom of expression, and for those who are willing to learn and grow. May we all be molded and shaped daily!

Postop Day 4

Just a quick report, friends! My surgery was performed on July 31 at 8 am with no difficulties whatsoever. The surgery was performed in under two hours from what I understand. I was in my room that afternoon and met there by my sweet husband and mother. They were such angels and I don't know what I would have done without them.

I will write more as I have more strength. They recovery has not been that bad. The pain is not horrible. In a word I would just describe it as uncomfortable. The drain is uncomfortable. My incisions are uncomfortable. The abdominal binder is uncomfortable, but provides relief too.

I haven't had the slightest hunger pang. The foods I'm eating are easy to tolerate and I'm not having trouble getting things down down. No nausea. Overall, excellent recovery!

Honestly, one of my biggest complaints besides being uncomfortable is restlessness. I cannot seem to focus on anything or sit still for any period of time. This is good because it has me up and moving, but I would love to be spending me down time watching movies or reading, and it's just not happening!

I'm feeling stronger each day and probably have spent my internet limit for today typing this brief message. Just wanted to give everyone an update! Thanks so much for all the many, many prayers and positive thoughts. They were definitely felt and are still appreciated to this day!

Love to all -
Traci

Transformation Eve

I cannot express how grateful I am to everyone. "Coming out of the closet" was the best thing I could do. The support and love around me has me soaring. With so many people praying for me, I know that only good can happen! I feel so loved. I am blessed!

I am actually very calm today. I've been homebound due to my gastric preparations... Getting EVERYTHING all good and cleaned out!!! It has not been terribly bad considering that I've on a liquid diet for 10 days. I know is a whole lot of TMI (too much information)...BUT..most that go through this surgery process will learn that there are things you just have to talk about. People have questions and need to know what's going on. So forgive my forthrightness! The process has not been bad at all...the worst part is the Gatorade/Miralax cocktail. BLECH! Thank goodness it's almost all gone though :)

It's been a peaceful day.. The prep has been nice in the fact that I had to take the day off. You really can't do anything else. So I had everything done, more or less, by 12 noon and got to spend that time with mom...We watched the sweetest movie, Martian Child - definitely a chic flick, and both did some reading...I got some wonderful phone calls. So all in all, it's all good!

Someone said today that they knew I was scared, and I had to say that I honestly wasn't. Some of that may come tomorrow..But I have to be there so very early (5 AM!)..I think it all will happen very quickly. SOH was so very helpful in answering lots of questions for me today about the pain, about catheterization, compression boots/stockings, barium testing, lack of hunger (yee haa! let's pray for that!!)...So wonderful to have someone go before you that can answer those little things... Also, the wonderful WLS coordinator at the hospital sent me a detailed e-mail about what would happen step by step and that was such a blessing..Any fear I had initially was about the unknown. So knowing what to expect is so very helpful. Thank you Pat!

Well, a little more prepping to do...A little more packing.. I hope I will get some sleep but am sure that I will.. The surgeon has ok'd me taking some lovely Lunesta.. so that will absolutely be taken.

I guess that's all for now! I am so very, very, very grateful. Words cannot describe! I will post as I can...Blessings my dear friends!

Grace

I am really feeling so great today. I am excited. I am at peace. I am blessed with wonderful friends and family and great insurance. My body is 13 pounds lighter and is cleansed. It is so amazing the feeling you have after ridding your body of sugar and caffeine and who knows what else. The first few days were SO HARD but now I feel wonderful. I have gotten all my ducks in a row and all that I need to do is pick up mom tomorrow, necessary preparations for surgery on Wednesday, then my day is here! When I got my approval and surgery date, it was 31 days away and seemed like a lifetime. Now it seems like yesterday. Amazing how relative time can be.

It's gorgeous outside. Friends are checking on me. I paid a friend to clean my house today (Thanks Ruby!!).. I've got someone to take care of my dogs, the hospital bill is paid.. All that's lacking is packing!

You know, this surgery is a lot like grace. I did this to myself. I don't deserve help. But grace is being bestowed upon me. A second chance. A new life; that I don't deserve. Isn't that what grace is about? This is why I'm on cloud nine. This is why my life has radically changed already. Because I know that I'm being given a wonderful gift at a new life; one that I don't deserve. But I am grateful and I am thanking God. And I will not take it lightly. And I pray that every day I remember where I came from. ALWAYS remember the shackles that bound me. Always be compassionate to those who were where I once was. Be gentle. Be kind. Be patient. And learn to not treat food like the bad guy. And learn to calm the storms that may come. And never, never, never take this for granted.

The Joys of Broth

I never in a million years thought that broth would be like a delicacy for me. But on this liquid diet, that's just what it has been. I can't explain it. But just the warmth and the flavor is just decadent for me. Anyone who may be on this WLS journey in one way or another, just a brief word of advice. Do not skimp when it comes to your broth! I have tried three different kinds. Rachel Ray's chicken stock was excellent. (I had to look up the difference between stock and broth and found it on the food network. "Chicken stock tends to be made more from bony parts, whereas chicken broth is made more out of meat. Chicken stock tends to have a fuller mouth feel and richer flavor, due to the gelatin released by long-simmering bones.") Swanson's chicken broth - awesome. Walmart's chicken broth? Not so much. So, this is one of those things where it does not benefit to skimp. (Hubby pointed out that probably the reason it tastes so good is because of the sodium. I know sodium is not good for you. But that's a whole other battle for another day!) Enjoy your broth!

The benefits of a liquid diet

This is mainly for my benefit to remind myself of the good that is coming out of these difficult 10 days! Yes, it has been harder than I expected. Is it doable? Absolutely. The first few days were the absolute hardest. Yesterday was probably the best day. I feel good today, but hubby is working and I'm not very busy so I find myself craving food. I feel quite certain that this will be one of the hardest things I have ever undertaken.

But there are benefits of this small phase....

• It has taken my mind/anxiety off the surgery and allowed me to focus on the now.
• I dropped 11 pounds in 4 days! Losing weight before the surgery is always a benefit. I haven't lost in the past day or two, but maybe I'll drop a few more before the big day.
• My body feels clean and purged.
• No need to plan, shop, cook, other than buying what I needed beforehand for the liquid diet. (WARNING! I do NOT recommend shopping in a grocery store while you are on the liquid diet. They say not to grocery shop when you are hungry.. HELLO?? Grocery shopping when you hadn't eaten in DAYS?? Not fun.. Trust me.)
• This should have been first on my list; my liver will shrink and allow the surgeon to have the best possible access to my organs.
• It really is a good transition between eating like a big girl and eating like a WLS patient. A friend today said it was probably a good thing I'm doing it so that my stomach won't go into shock!
• It reminds me of the dedication needed toward this surgery. If you can't make it through a 10-day liquid diet, how can you make it for an entire lifetime of restriction?
• People feel sorry for me.

JUST KIDDING!!! I have gotten sympathy, and people are very, very sweet to worry about me. But I am honestly doing this almost as a badge of honor. Everything has fallen into place and I truly believe this is what I need to do. This will drastically change many parts of my life and I am SO ready! This liquid diet has been a nice transition I think. And I'm not able to sit around and worry about the surgery and count the days cause I'm so busy thinking about my growling stomach!!! :)

My spirit really is still at peace and I'm so excited about the changes to come. I am so grateful for my family and friends that have surrounded me with love and support and bathed me in prayer. I go into this surgery with my head held high, my expectations high for the life before me, and full confidence that I am going to do great.

I have the best friends.. Thank you all!!

On caffeine, mornings, health, and wise choices

My sweet new puppy has changed my life by helping me get on a schedule and a structure. As I used to stay up until all hours of the night and then sleep until late in the morning, now I'm on a somewhat normal schedule, if you will. I still hate mornings though and will probably always be a night person. I wake up so tired. I used to drink 3 or 4 cups of coffee in the morning. There are different teachings by surgeons regarding caffeine, but mine says no caffeine and no carbonated beverages after surgery. I have started weaning myself off of coffee by drinking a Coke Zero every morning when I wake up. Not quite the jolt of coffee, but is all I got for now.

As I sat down this morning to begin working and was sipping my Coke Zero, I thought to myself, you know, my body probably needs an Atkins shake right now with protein in it rather than this nutritionless soft drink. Then the other part of me said, but this is what I want, this tastes so much better, this is more enjoyable for me, and makes me feel better.

That was a huge light bulb moment for me. Isn't that how I got in this position? By giving my body what it wants rather than what it needs? In so many ways we have to learn to parent ourselves. We would teach children that they need nutrition rather than junk. But how do we treat ourselves?

This responsibility sucks! But I realized that I only think the caffeine will make me feel better. Oh it may, but only for a moment, not longlasting change. If I focus on my health, and on making wise choices, then I WILL feel better period. And it will be longlasting. The health and good feelings won't come from a can. They will just BE. And they will stay with me.

God, help me to take good care of this body you've given me and feed it in a way that is for health and performance.

Dirty Laundry

I figure since I'm airing all my dirty laundry, why not go all the way :).. As SOH says, everything is feast or famine with me.. HA! Literally! I missed that unintended pun. If you missed that, never mind. :)

So, I've decided to start journaling what I'm eating online. Mainly just 'cause I don't want to add up my protein each day! And, I can just repeat my most common eaten items :)

So, just in case anyone is curious what a 10-day liquid diet in prep for WLS looks like, here you go. http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=tracimyrick Keep in mind that all surgeons standard op is different. Pretty much no two surgeons are going to be the same.

I'm feeling very, very weak these days and almost panicked about it. Obviously being over 250 pounds and surviving on 400-600 calories would surely make one weak. I just didn't realize just how weak I would be. I can barely walk down to the mailbox without having to rest. My heart races with any activity. It's almost scary. But I called the surgeon's office today and they did not seem to be worried. I honestly think I haven't been drinking ENOUGH.. I think I'm just so dang tired of having to potty all day long! But when it's my health we're talking about, I gotta get better. My goal is 64 ounces of fluid a day and at least 50 mg of protein.

Also, I was taking my vitamins and I was told by a friend who is also soon to have the surgery that vitamins are a no-no right now because of all the vitamins in the shakes. Her potassium was way too high. Again, every person is different and all docs are different. My surgeon didn't tell me one way or another about the vitamins. So, I presume there is no harm in stopping them just in case. Supplements are a HUGE part of this process afterwards, so I was just trying to get ahead of the game..

Pretty much all I want to do is work, read and sleep. I have been out of the house some, but it's really, really hard for me to move about because of my weakness. This is a caution for anyone who does the liquid diet to limit your activities (my personal humble opinion.) I had hoped to work out every day to drop weight before the surgery! HA!! Thank God I work from home. I don't know what I would do if I had to be really active during this 10-day period.

As I've mentioned before, though, I'm learning to be kind to myself. Some may wonder what that means. When I feel tired, I rest. When I need a break, I take a break. Listening to what your body says is SO important. I do believe that it tells us what we need.

Ok, I'm on to a beverage of some sort, then reading and then bed. I don't think I have gone to bed before daylight since I was 10 years old. But I sure am doing it these days!

A Little Education

Just a brief post in case any of you are wondering, and also to remind myself of some very important truths (as my stomach is growling away.) Some may wonder why the liquid diet is so hard for me or why I'm complaining when my eating habits are about to change in a huge way. Immediately after surgery I will be consuming tiny, tiny amounts of liquid...like an ounce at at time. The difference is that my anatomy will be different. My tiny stomach will not be able to handle more than an ounce. Right now, I still have the same giganterous belly (I'm sure that's not a real word. But it sounds fun.) :) Thus, the struggle.

The amazing thing is that I've asked for support and I've gotten it. My spirit is soaring and I feel ready and lifted up. I'm at peace and feel blessed. I just have a very hungry belly and a very weak body :)... But this too shall pass...

I'm spending my time just being kind to myself. Every hour is different. I tried to nap yesterday but after getting up three times to pee, I figured that was pointless. I have a hard time really focusing on anything, so I don't think TV or movies are going to work. I did work some yesterday and hope to work a good bit today. Housecleaning helps, actually! What a concept! I spent time straightening up yesterday and working on laundry and that helped me to focus I think.

I did prepare dinner for hubby last night after he had worked a 14-hour day and I think he was really surprised at that. But I am learning the importance of service and meeting the needs of my hubby even when it's hard...

I overestimated myself!!

Ok, I admit it. I'm a crazy woman... Looking forward to the liquid diet so I can "focus?" What kind of insanity is that??! I should be able to do fine because I've done extended fasts before?!! What the heck was I thinking?!?! I'm usually one to take on a challenge, but when it comes down to it, I'm a big whiney baby...Pardon me while I go eat the paint off the walls.. :)

In all seriousness, I'm drained, have a headache, am starving and am in a foul mood, but my spirit is blessed and at peace. All is well. I know this is a very good thing and is only to have a healthier surgery, and of course I want that...

I just wanted to whine for a bit...Oh...hm... wine!!! Just kidding... That's not on the liquid diet.. Ok, now on to my yogurt or broth or protein water or something... :)

Thanks to each and every one of my supporters.. You all ROCK!!