The Last Day of Feasting

I'm such at a different place than I thought I might be in. My day today is going to be full of getting my house in order, literally and figuratively. I've been working on the internal stuff. Today I want to get organized and purge the kitchen of stuff no longer needed, get everything good and clean, and then tomorrow the race is on...And my energies can be devoted to that. My poor hubby, after working four 12-day shifts in a row, is plum worn out and felt like he needed to work because I was in work mode. But Lord knows there are plenty of times he's working while I'm doing nothing but sitting on my assets... :) So, he is resting and I am working. And it feels good!

I already have tons more energy. It's so amazing to note how much a change in mental energy can affect your whole world. There is peace in my home, in my marriage. I feel confident and capable. I think sweet sis was right in saying that I had just surrendered. I think I surrendered to life in general. EVERYTHING was too hard for me. So I just gave up. I was simply existing. So sad to see it in black and white...But I'm so grateful for this revelation.

Now, I absolutely know that WLS is not going to solve my problems. I know that there are things that I may have blamed on the weight and when the weight is gone, those things will still be there. I know life will not be perfect. I know that the change in me might be hard for some. I know that I'll have to offer grace to myself and many around me. There are many, many issues in life to address and work on... But, SOH reminded me of this quote from Forrest Gump...

[Forrest Gump referring to Apple Computer] "Lieutenant Dan got me invested in some kind of fruit company. So then I got a call from him, saying we don't have to worry about money no more. And I said, that's good! One less thing."

Losing half of me, literally, is just "one less thing" to worry about about. And it's a big, big thing.

You know, it's so exciting to be facing a difficult situation and KNOW the outcome ahead of time. I don't know where I will be in 2 years, or in 5 years, or in 10 or 20 years... But I know that if the Lord sees me through this surgery and through my recovery and allows me to live to actually get healthy, I know that I will lose a good part of my excess weight. I don't know how low I'll get or how low I WANT to get... As my favorite WLS author thus far has written, "I will know it when I get there." (Pat Peck in Exodus from Obesity) I know I don't want to be a stick figure. I know that I think curves are healthy and beautiful and something to celebrate about being a woman. It's been so long since I was "thin" that I have no clue how much I would like to weigh. But again, I will know when I get there. No diet in the world can guarantee success. There is not enough willpower, discipline, whatever... to attempt to lose 130-140 pounds and know for absolute sure that a majority of it will come off... It is just impossible. That is totally setting yourself up for failure and disappointment, and I am totally convinced that it cannot be done. I'm not saying that weight loss cannot be achieved. And maybe I'm being way too absolute about what I'm saying. I've just come to the point where I've realized there is NO OTHER WAY for this to be done and have the same miraculous results. As Peck says, and I agree, to the morbidly obese, you really only have two options... Obesity or surgery. I think it's that plain and simple.

I have been blessed to be spared health problems. By God's grace I don't have high blood pressure or diabetes or sleep apnea or high cholesterol. I've been plagued with things like low-back pain, and knee pain, and migraines, and depression, and insomnia, infertility...all that could be a result of obesity.. But if I don't nip this in the bud NOW, it's just a matter of time before all that stuff does happen...I want a LIFE... I want to live and experience life. I have lived years and years behind closed doors more or less.. Not as extreme as an agoraphobic or anything, but I haven't been LIVING...I have been EXISTING... And now I know that I will have no excuse but to get out and run and jump and LIVE...

Pat Peck says in her book that after her surgery she started walking with a friend and they would walk and walk and walk and talk for hours upon hours. One day he said, "why do you go on these 15-mile walks with me?"....and she responded with "because I can!"... I LOVE, love, love that... there are so many things I have not been able to do.. Now I will have no excuse. And there is no need to be sedentary and trapped inside my home and lonely and scared with every single thing being hard for me. There is absolutely no need...

Today is a day of feasting for me. And not a day of binging. I've done my share of that. Binging is done in private with guilt and shame and remorse and punishment and desperateness. Feasting is about celebration and gathering with those you love and honoring each other; rejoicing in life, in love, in friendship, in what God has done and in what he's going to do. So today, I feast.

I ate a bagel with cream cheese and a cold coke on ice this morning. I ate those things and savored every bite and enjoyed it. I was flooded with memories of SOH introducing me to bagels with cream cheese when we were teenagers and teaching me that nothing was a good as a cold coke on ice (try it if you never have... a warm canned coke over ice is nothing like a can that's been in the fridge and THEN put over ice!!)....(if you want to know what is good, ask the fat girl...TRUST me..she knows!!!) :) There are memories associated with food, with feasting, with celebrating. And that is a good thing.

There is much work to be done in my mind regarding food and my relationship with it. Food is not the enemy. It's not wrong to love food and celebrate it, celebrate with it. God was so good to give us taste buds. You know if we didn't have them, we wouldn't know the difference? We wouldn't eat and say, I wish I knew what this tasted like...Because we'd never known anything else... So truly God wanted us to enjoy food and take pleasure in it. But like most anything, it can be thwarted and abused. Which is what I have done, for sure, most of my life...

So, my solace will come from elsewhere, and it will NOT be easy. Of this I am aware... But for today, I celebrate, and I feast. I honor the little fat girl who didn't know anything different, who did what worked for her...I celebrate who she was and I celebrate all that is to come. Tomorrow begins the shedding of skin...(If only that skin could literally be shed...I know my postop friends will understand...I surely don't yet!!)

Ok, my brain officially hurts now... On to purge the kitchen!!!

Blessings, my dear friends...I appreciate you keeping me in your thoughts and prayers...And please let me know how I can support you.

Truth Overload

I am learning and growing so much every day that I don't even have enough time to write it all down! Such amazing stuff is happening, and I haven't even had the surgery yet. I think as I learn things I'm going to just have to write them in bullet form... There's not enough time in my day to expand on it all!

Just to summarize what's been going on, and then I'll share all of my enlightenment.. :) Tomorrow is my last day to eat as a "fat person"... I was saying "eat like a normal person," then I realized that if I ate normally I would not be in this predicadament! At first, it felt like I was trying to cram every good thing down for fear I would never have it again. The truth is that many WLS patients can eat anything they want months down the road, just in small portions. But that is not the case with everyone. I've heard of one person that cannot tolerate beef any longer, someone else that can't eat chicken, and someone else that ate one Tootsie Roll and was on the floor vomiting for many hours. So, all bodies are different, and only God knows how mine will respond. So every bagel, every glass of cold Cola-Cola on ice, every piece of pizza, every brownie, might just be the last.. And I've got to be prepared for that and be ok with that. At first there was sorrow...And to people without food issues, I'm sure that will be hard to understand. Food has been a primary comfort for me for a long, long, long time. It's time to let that go. Now, surgery will not cure THAT disease.. that's in the head and heart and mind and might very well take the rest of my life to "cure"...if it's ever cured at all...But the actual indulgence must stop, and I realize that, and know that this is the time.

As I said, so many amazing things are happening..I am so grateful to God for revealing so many truths for me...for guiding me into truth...These amazing thoughts come to me at random times during the day, and I am truly blown away at times...thus the Truth Overload title...

I've pondered on all I'm letting go of, and all that is in store for me to gain. People that have not lived an obese lifestyle will never understand. It's so easy to refer to fat people as lazy or undisciplined or unwilling to work and try. It's so easy to say that WLS is the easy way out. I have feared telling everyone about my upcoming changes for fear of being judged. But I am becoming more and more passionate about sharing my truth, the truth of this surgery, the hope that is now in my heart that has been squelched for years and years and years. There is such a preconceived notion and double standard and judgment in our country about those that are obese. As I think of it, it infuriates me how this country sets people up... Our society tends to be lazy as a whole, living in this fast food, microwave, give-it-to-me-now culture. Yet our models are size 0 and anorexic and we judge those who are obese. But the truth is that until you have walked in a fat chic's shoes you cannot judge her.

Anyway, I'm starting to preach I guess, and that is not my intent. I often learn and think as I write...So I guess blogging is partly, or mainly, for my benefit. And if others can learn or be enlightened too, then excellent!!

Now, why did I start that sermon..oh yeah...I was thinking about how much things will change in the next few days as I start my liquid diet. Some feel sorry for me for having to do it, but I am almost excited. Sure, I know it will be hard. I know I'll miss the crunch of food, or the chewing process. But in many ways, it's like I've arrived. All these years and years of obesity will soon end, and it begins with Monday. My doctor has ordered this, so I will do it. No one would question the cancer patient having chemo... it's just part of the treatment... And this is mine. It will shrink my liver so the surgery will go smoothly and so they can access my organs better. It will cause me to drop some weight before-hand so I'll be even healthier to undergo surgery. Maybe it will help me recover faster. But it's good for my mind most of all, I think. Because I'm saying "OK! this is it! the race has started...the journey has begun..fasten your seat belts!!!" It will help me to truly focus I believe...

Speaking of focus, some Christians fast on a regular basis. It's a very humbling ritual. I actually did this for two weeks during my first marriage. It's a way of saying God, I'm broken and I'm humble and I'm desperate and I don't know how else to tell you but this but to empty myself of all I am and plead for you to hear me... I confess my two-week fast not to declare some sort of righteousness, cause LORD KNOWS that ain't true!!! I'm just realizing that there is a connection here. I'm seeing this liquid diet in sort of the same way; a way to cleanse my body and my mind and get ready for the journey that is ahead of me...To become focused and diligent and vigilant... This is going to be THE HARDEST thing I've probably ever done....so mental vigilance will certainly be needed.

Support will also be needed, which is another reason for the blog and another reason I'm thinking of being more honest about all this. I know each person has to do what is best for them. I've heard some WLS patients say that they tell everyone they meet that they've had surgery and other people that don't tell anyone. I know people work it they way they have to. I'm just starting to think about maybe being more open about it (as if posting something on a global website isn't open)....Ha..I crack myself up.

Ok...here are a few bullet truths...Then I've got to let my brain rest...It hurts and is so weary from thinking so much!

• I cried to hubby last night as I was having my first melt-down and told him that this was the hardest thing I've ever done. He replied with, "yes, but it's going to be fun!"...And I realized how true that was. There are so many fun things that are yet to come..
• As I was pouring my coffee this morning (which I am trying to wean myself off of) and thinking how few cups I had less in my near future I realized that I was thinking more positively. I wasn't mourning of what I was letting go of. I, instead, had this amazing thought... I'm not letting go of anything.. I'm trading one thing for something else.. I'm trading that pizza and french toast and cold coke on ice and chocolate for being able to rock climb with my sister, and hike with my brother, and canoe with my husband, and shop in normal stores...The list can go on and on.. And it will...I plan to make a list of all I want to do that I've never been able to..or not in years and years anyway...So if ever I miss food, I can see all that I'm trading it for. I know that my "thin list" will be much weightier than my fat list.. Ironic huh?
• I'm noticing things being different around me already. But yet nothing around me has changed. So what has changed? That would be me...Amazing how much a way of thinking can change your life huh?
• In talking to my sweet sis, I realized how very much this obesity has affected my life. I never really knew. I think I had just gotten so used to it. Obesity had beaten me. I surrendered. I gave up. I accepted that this was how life was. It was better than the alternative: Diet after diet, failure, disappointment, etc. I've been in this state so long that I didn't even know how much it had affected me. I think my mind will continue to be blown as I shed this old me and as I discover the person that's been hiding in this obese body.
• Also in talking to sweet sis, I realized through her insight that this surgery has given me hope, and that is what has set me free. Now that I don't have to worry about being obese, my mind is freed for tackling other problems. Which is funny as I write that, because I never knew my mind was worried about being obese. I think I was just overall overwhelmed about my entire life in general. I didn't know where to start, so I really didn't tackle anything.

Ok, I could post more bullets, but my brain hurts. My house is a wreck, I don't think my hubby has a clue why my mind is going at the speed its going, I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but my heart is sure at peace. I feel liberated and excited about all that is yet to come. Fasten your seatbelts folks...We're in for a ride!!

Photo by Sandra Woods

Being still

I have had such a delightful morning. This book I'm reading has really started a neat process.

I've had this anxiety for a couple of days or so, maybe a week... I realized that when I was reading about the surgery, journaling, talking about it, that I wasn't feeling anxious. My old critical, judgmental self says "don't be anxious! The Bible says be anxious for nothing!!..." But that doesn't change the fact that I AM anxious. That it's real. I realized this morning that the achy, naggy feeling is like a newborn baby or my new puppy. It's crying because it needs something. Saying "don't be anxious. The Bible says be anxious for nothing" is like telling the baby/puppy not to cry cause the mama said not do. There is a need that needs to be met. Saying "don't do it, don't feel it" doesn't make the need go away.

I realized that the anxiety is my "spirit" saying it needs something. (Spirit and spirit are two things that I want to write about/address at some point later...)

The perfectionist part of me was longing for a place to go and be quiet, a retreat, a place to think, journal, pray, read, whatever... I wanted the "perfect" place. This morning I took my coffee my journal and went out on my front porch, propped my feet up and was still. The Bible says to be still and know that he is God...but it doesn't say what being still means. I guess knowing the original language would help..(where's John Allen when I need him).. I presume being still can mean lots of things. This morning I left my "world" behind, sat on my porch with the incredible sounds of nature around me (albeit sounds of occasional traffic and gunshots from the National Forrest firing range across the street..thus the "lack of perfection" for my retreat), and met with my spirit. And guess what..the anxiety went away. The Spirit/spirit debate is what trips me up and what makes me worry what my readers may think (why do I worry about that?!?!).. Is meeting with my spirit and meeting with God the same thing? The new agers would say yes..the fundamentalist Christians would say no..

Regardless, I had a very powerful, positive time and learned a lot. God is truth. God is honest. God is all about confronting things head on. So I don't see why he couldn't have moved in me this morning without a sermon, Scripture, getting on my knees, a traditional devotional book, whatever. If God spoke through a rock and a donkey I guess he can speak anyway he chooses.

I have no need to be anxious. God is doing a work and I know that it's not time for my life to be over. I know that it is just beginning. I know that two weeks from today I will be born again again :) No disrespect meant by that at all.. It will be a rebirth, a new start, the beginning of many, many new things. Changes will take place in my body. But changes are beginning already in my mind and in my spirit.

I am blessed and I am grateful. God is up to something good. I am excited. I am expectant. And I will strive to be still whenever needed, in whatever imperfect place it might occur, to get to know myself more, to be honest and truthful with myself and with God, and to experience change.

Coming out of the closet...

No, not THAT closet... :) I have something that I do want to reveal though that I've been hiding. Not necessarily hiding, because there are many that know. But usually my life is an open book, and this has not been revealed in such a way.

My "secret" is somewhat controversial and may come with judgements..so this is why I haven't shouted it to the world. But then I realized that goes against everything I'm about. Now, I will be the first to admit that I do need to learn some healthy boundaries..But, I am about honesty, about truth, education and correcting ignorance; about enlightenment. How can others know, or learn, if I choose to be silent? Sure, keeping it in is "safe"...but haven't I been one that would rather do what is best and right rather than what is safe?

Well, I've probably hyped it up too much now. But my truth is this...I have decided to win this war with obesity and am going to have gastric bypass surgery on July 31, just a few short weeks away. I have decided to come "out of the closet" for several reasons. One, I am dealing with fear and anxiety and need support. I need prayer and I need love and friendship. Of course those closest to me already to know about my upcoming transformation, and I do have lots of support already. And honestly, probably anyone who reads this probably doesn't have too much to offer me.. But I guess, as it says, the truth will set you free. Maybe just by it no longer being somewhat of a private matter I will become more brave, more strong.

I also wanted to disclose in such a way so that my journey can be recorded. I am keeping my own private diary, but I want to encourage others. I want those around me, or those in my life who aren't around me on a daily basis necessarily, to be able to know what's going on, to follow my progress.

Thirdly, I hope that by documenting my journey that someone can learn, grow, be changed, whatever... I am reading the greatest book called "Exodus from Obesity: The Guide to Long-Term Success After Weight Loss Surgery (WLS)"..The author Paula Peck has inspired me in many ways, and one is to be open... That's what I'm about, and that's what this blog has been about for three years and counting. What better place to share my journey?

This surgery has been on my mind for years and I've been on this particular journey towards making this happen for 8 months. Needless to say, there is much to be shared and much to be said. Ideally, I would like to blog regularly and share my progress, feelings, fears, etc. History shows that ideals do not always pan out :) So, I will do my best, and be gracious to myself, be as honest as possible with myself and others, and share as I am able...

I don't know if I have any faithful readers any longer...They may have all given up on me! But if anyone does read this, please pray for me on July 31. 8 am! (Eastern)... I am pumped and ready to go... My seatbelt is fastened (and snug for only a brief bit longer!) and I am ready for the ride of my life.

The depths of me

I have spent a little time reading through past blog posts today. I think I needed that. I have come across many people from my childhood recently and have my 20th high school reunion approaching. I've had so many feelings come up: The insecurities of high school, the doubting and questioning who you are...The cruelty of kids.. But these posts have been so good for me because they are my TRUTH.. The truth is not that I'm a fat kid. The truth is not that I didn't make the dance team, or that I was so foolish to even try out. The truth is not that the cool boys won't ever like me. That may have been my truth once. But my truth now is that I am a woman of passion, of integrity... I am a good friend. I have a heart full of love. I am compassionate and generous. I am far from perfect.. I fall short in so many ways. But God has given me depth and a seeker's heart. These posts remind me who I truly am. It's hard to shut out the voices of others (or the voices that you THINK are the opinions of others, which may times are not true at all) and hold your head up high remembering the TRUTH of who you really are...

I have so far still to go. But I have COME SO FAR... I pray this continually, but God, please give me courage to be who I really am. To hold my head up high and be brave. To focus on MY truth. On what REALLY is... Not on what I think it is, or on what other's may think I am. Thank you for my depths and all you've created me to be.

The Wonderful World of Books

(Originally posted November, 2005 - Edited January 2008)

I don't read near like I should; nor do I read exactly what I should. I go through phases where I'm reading constantly and then I won't read for months at all.

My grandfather was an amazing man and an avid reader. He read thousands of books throughout his lifetime and kept record of every book that he read. I always liked the thought of that. Almost two years ago I started the same tradition. I've kept the titles written in a lovely pink and white polka dotted journal but thought that I'd list them here as well so that I can share them. Most of my reading is for pleasure. In the beginning of 2004 when I began to record my readings, I was involved with a man who really challenged me intellectually and I was trying to read more "weighty" books. As the months progressed (and he progressed out of my life) the books came much more "fluff"...

It's really odd... I enjoy theology, psychology, deep conversations, history and biographies. But for some reason, reading these things seems like work to me, and reading has always been for fun. I hope that I can challenge myself to push beyond my borders and challenge my brain a bit. It's a constant source of frustration for me. (Of course I AM in medical transcription school and am studying medical terminology constantly. I DO stretch my brain a pretty good bit with that!!!) (I had to add that because I can be too hard on myself sometimes).

Well, that was much more of a preface than what was needed. I hope you enjoy my list. If you have books to share, books in common, please do tell! (I will update this list and bring it up to the top of of my posts when there is a new listing. Also, the date after the book is the date I completed the book.) My favorites are in bold. :o)

Rereading the Patricia Cornwell Kay Scarpetta series in preparation for her newest book:

• Postmortem - December 2007
• Body of Evidence - December 2007
• All That Remains - December 2007
• Cruel and Unusual - January 2008
• The Body Farm - January 2008
• From Potter's Field - January 2008

*The Memory Keeper's Daughter, December, 2007

*Magical Thinking; Augusten Burroughs. October 15, 2007.

*The Time Traveler's Wife; Audrey Niffenegger. October 4, 2007.

*Bright Lights, Big Ass; Jen Lancaster. September 13, 2007.

*Possible Side Effects; Augusten Burroughs. September 2, 2007.

*The Husband; Dean Koontz. September 1, 2007.

*Bitter is the New Black; Jen Lancaster. August, 2007.

*The Fourth Hand; John Irving. August, 2007.

*The Devil Wears Prada; Lauren Weisberger. August, 2007.

*Dry; Augusten Burroughs. July, 2007.

*Alphabet Weekends; Elizabeth Noble. June, 2007.

*I Know This Much is True; Wally Lamb. June, 2007.

*The Myth of You and Me; Leah Stewart. March, 2007.

*Running with Scissors; Augusten Burroughs. March, 2007.

*My Sister's Keeper; Jodi Picoult. December, 2006.

*Second Time Around; Mary Higgins Clark. December, 2006.

*Light on Snow; Anita Shreve. November 30, 2006.

*Coming Out; Danielle Steele. November 27, 2006.

*Little Earthquakes; Jennifer Weiner. November 25, 2006.

*The Lovely Bones; Alice Sebold. September 10, 2006.

*Little Bitty Lies; Mary Kay Andrews. September 6, 2006.

*Indelible; Kerin Slaughter. August 28, 2006.

*Lost in the Forrest; Sue Miller. August 25, 2006.

*The Lincoln Lawyer; Michael Connelly. August 24, 2006.

*The Bodacious Book of Succulence; SARK. August 16, 2006.

*The Secret Life of Bees; Sue Monk Kidd. August 8, 2006.

*Divining Women; Kaye Gibbons. August 3, 2006.

*She's Come Undone; Wally Lamb. August 1, 2006.

*Savannah Blues; Mary Kay Andrews. July 26, 2006.

*The Pact; Jodi Picoult. July 19, 2006.

*Good in Bed; Jennifer Weiner. May 15, 2006.

*A Million Little Pieces; James Frey. May 7, 2006.

*Memoirs of a Geisha; Arthur Golden. May 2, 2006.

*The Magician's Nephew; C.S. Lewis. April 24, 2006.

*Don't Say a Word; Barbara Freethy. January 5, 2006

*Faithless; Karin Slaughter. December 29, 2005

*Blood Memory; Greg Isles. December 2005

*Life Expectancy; Dean Koontz. November 22, 2005

*Predator; Patricia Cornwell. November 19, 2005

*A Faint Cold Fear; Karin Slaughter, October, 2005

*Swampfire; Patricia Potter, October, 2005

*Tangle of Lies; Patricia Potter, September, 2005

*The Divinci Code; Dan Brown, May 2005

*Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban, JK Rowling, April 4, 2005

*Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets, JK Rowling, March 24, 2005

*Harry Potter & the Sorcer's Stone, JK Rowling, March 17, 2005

*Digital Fortress, Dan Brown, March 12, 2005

*Angels and Demons, Dan Brown, March 8, 2005

*He's Just Not that Into You, Greg Behrendt, March 2005

*The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right; Ellen Fein, January, '05

*Marathoning for Mortals, John Bingham, November 11, 2004

*The Courage to Start, John Bingham, October 28, 2004

*Trace, Patricia Cornwell, October 01, 2004

*Relationship Rescue, Dr. Phil, September 19, 2004

*In Her Shoes, Jennifer Weiner, September 16, 2004

*Don't Call That Man, Rhonda Findling, June 1, 2004

*Wouldn't Take Nothing for my Journey Now, Maya Angelou, May 31, 2004

*The Commitment Cure; Rhonda Findling, May 25, 2005

*Five Men Who Broke My Heart, Susan Shapiro, May 11, 2004

*Sleepwalking, Julie Myerson, May 2, 2004

*A Virtous Woman, April 29, 2004

*Succulent Wild Woman: Dancing with your Wonder-full self, SARK; April 21, 2004

*A Widow for One year, John Irving, April 21, 2004

*The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver, April 8, 2004

*A Short Guide to a Happy Life, Anna Quindlen; March 28, 2004

*Back Roads, Tawni O'Dell, March 28, 2004

*The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison, March 27, 2004

*What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man's Mind Really Works: Michael Gurian, March 25, 2004

*The Lost Boy, Dave Pelzer, March 23, 2004

*A Child Called It, Dave Pelzer, March 22, 2004

*White Oleander, Janet Fitch, March 21, 2004

*Skinny Legs and All, Tom Robbins, March 16, 2004

*To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee, March 8, 2004

*The Cider House Rules, John Irving, February 29, 2004

*The Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting, Ericka Lutz, February 16, 2004

*A Prayer for Owen Meany, John Irving, February 14, 2004

*A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole, February 2004

On Motherhood

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Thanks, Crys

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother. Author Unknown

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.

The Empty Package

I am so very grateful for my friends who often know me better than myself, my friends that point out things that I might never see..

I was speaking with SOH today and trying to process some of this grief that I am dealing with over Wayne's loss. I loved something that she said. She said that my divorce was not like most people's divorces. Most people that get divorced have a happy period, they have the honeymoon, they have the time when everything is great for a while.. It's like someone who gets a gift that they unwrap, love the gift, enjoy it for a while, then lose it.

My situation is oh so different. I am the person who waits 8 years to open the big box they've been looking at forever. When they finally get to open it, they find it empty. They wasted all those years hoping and dreaming and wondering with blissful excitement. Then they have to deal with the grief of not only the empty dream, but the fact that all those years were wasted over longing for something that wasn't even there.

So, my grief today is deep. It goes much deeper than someone who passed away on Sunday. And I guess out of some respect for him, I've never spoken it fully. I never want to disrespect his memory (especially in such a medium as this), and would never want to disrespect his family and friends. I will never speak the horrible details here. But I will gently, kindly, speak my truth.

I have a sweet husband now. I have a great house and pets I love and wonderful friends. I am on the way to a new career that excites me. However, fifteen years after meeting Wayne, five years after the divorce, I still grieve over the empty marriage. And I guess there is a part of me that always will grieve. In many ways I have moved on, but in many ways, he has haunted me. I think the empty dream has haunted me. Maybe his loss will in some way set me free.

The Sham I Am

Parts of me have been a sham. This entire blog, even the title, was founded because I desired the truth. I am passionate about being real, about being one of integrity, about speaking the truth, of not beating around the bush.

But I have lived against this truth for years. I guess I can't say that some might not blame me. I guess some may say it's been a boundary; or maybe about protection. But for years I have been afraid of what would get back to my ex-husband. I didn't know who read this (or why I even assumed that anyone would care. Does this make me have a huge ego???), and didn't know what might get back to him. All the things that I wanted to be (brave, strong, happy, in love, etc.), those were things I wanted him to know about.. Not the things that were hard.

How stupid is this? How sad that THIS is my truth right now?? I don't know why JWP or anyone else of his friends would care about the fact that throughout the years I have been depressed, or lonely, or homesick, or longing for friends, or struggling spiritually, or infertile and now dealing with strange grief over him. It saddens me to even write those things. THESE things are my reality at times.. Why have I been so afraid to speak them?

MY TRUTH is that I am frail, and I am striving, and I am struggling. I am hungry for more and often disappointed, and sometimes have regrets. These are the truths that I have been unable to speak for fear that JWP would say "I told you so". My truth has been that my pride has gotten in the way.

Now that his loved ones have lost him, I guess that my truth can now be set free. How sad that I could not be brave enough to speak my truth, regardless of whether or not he was on this planet. Fifteen years later, he has still been affecting me...

God, help me to speak my truth, regardless. Help me to be brave and stay true to who I am and who made me to be.

How to deal?

So, how is one to deal with the death of their ex-spouse with whom they have a horrible history? Obviously we had 10 years of history. The marriage was horrible, traumatic, bitter, painful and brief. It ended so poorly. We hadn't spoken in years. Yet, that doesn't change the fact that he was a part of my life for TEN YEARS. We had a godchild, I loved his nieces, his family, we had lots of friends, and lots of great memories. We laughed, sang a lot together, and lived large.

I am sad for him for more reasons that I'll state in such a way. The whole thing is just sad, sad, sad.

Part of me feels like I have no right to grieve. His family and friends were still in his life. Isn't the grief reserved for them? Part of my grief is for them though. And part of it is for the things that never were...

Ten years is a long time for someone to be such a big part of your life. Although he's been gone from my life for years, there is a part of him that never left. There wasn't a week that went by that I didn't think of him or dream of him in a brief way. That type of history never leaves you, and never will.

I ache for his loved ones. I ache for truth never revealed; for secrets locked up; for solace not needed.

I found this quote that touched me so deeply..

May the Angels lead you into paradise; may the martyrs greet you at your arrival and lead you into the holy city, Jerusalem. May the choir of Angels greet you and like Lazarus, who once was a poor man, may you have eternal rest.
In Paradisum

Due to severe pain and history, it's been a long time that I've wanted good things for him. I have failed in that way. But when I read this, I was so touched. I truly wish all that for him. I pray that he does have eternal rest and peace.

Live hard, friends. Live deep. Live honestly, with truth, sincerity, integrity, and openness. Love each other deeply. Life can be gone before we know it.

Wayne's obituary

Joel Wayne Pierce, 38, died Sunday, October 14, 2007, at University Medical Center in Jackson. Visitation will be 1pm-3pm today with funeral services following at 3pm at First Baptist Church Hazlehurst with burial in Hazlehurst Cemetery. Stringer Family Funeral Services in Hazlehurst is handling arrangements.

Mr. Pierce was the Media Coordinator for Christ United Methodist Church in Jackson. Mr. Pierce was an ordained Baptist Minister. He was the former Copiah County Baptist Association Youth Coordinator, Music/Youth Director at Pilgrim's Rest Baptist Church, and Music Director at Gallman Baptist Church.

Mr. Pierce was preceded in death by his grandparents, Henry Casper Pierce, James Thigpen Pierce, Minnie Lee Boutwell and Louie Book.

He is survived by his parents, Maurice D. Pierce and Edna Lucille Book Pierce of Hazlehurst; sister, Laurice Pierce Kirk of Florence; and nieces, Madison Blair Kirk and Chloe Marie Kirk both of Florence.

In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to Mississippi Children's Home, P. O. Box 1078, Jackson, MS 39215.

Published in the Clarion Ledger on 10/16/2007.

The Latest

I imagine that all of my faithful readers have given up on me! I'm learning that my perfectionism plays a part in my blogging (or lack thereof). I wish that I wrote everyday, had all the latest always updated... Since I don't do that, then I don't do it at all! I think about writing all the time.. "I need to write about that.. I need to post that picture.." Then, of course, it never gets done..

Gentleness.. I'm having to constantly remind myself to be gentle towards myself..to be kind.. I think I treat everyone in the world better than I treat myself.. If I am anything short of Martha Stewart, Sister Teresa, Dr. Phil and John Bingham all rolled into one then I beat myself up for it. Kindness..patience... I'll get there one day.. And if I don't, that's ok too...

School is progressing along slowly but surely. I have been at this thing for 25 months now!! However, I am almost finished session 16 and there are 18 sessions... So, the end is in sight. The next session is cardio surgery... So it will be challenging for sure.. I have the BIGGEST case of senioritis! I'm so ready to be done.. It's easy to get lazy and not put my all into it. Although I'll be doing the same thing when I'm done, I'll be getting PAID for it!! And this living on one salary is getting OLD...

Well, speaking of school, I'd better get at it.. I'll try to do better about posting!! (but will be gracious towards myself if I don't!!) :o)

Ok, 1 more

Last one, I promise! This is a classic...

My favorite video

This is awesome. A trip down memory lane. Ok, that's enough videos for today!

Funny Panda

I didn't realize I could upload videos.. I'm going to be hooked now..

Shirley Q

I had forgotten about this until a friend sent me a link yesterday. Hope this doesn't offend anyone!

Happy birthday, sweet baby!

Welcome to our world!

I can't wait to meet you!

FlyLady wisdom for today

I have not posted in so long and have so many wonderful updates, but never make the time to write. (And I’m still not really going to… sheesh..) :O) I just wanted to share this.. I found this SO good this morning…The FlyLady deposited this into my e-mail inbox this morning. She is so wise…

Dear Friends,

There was a time not too long ago when hostages were being held in various parts of the world. There are probably people being held prisoner right now somewhere in the world. Please keep these folks in your thoughts and prayers. These innocent people are subjected to all types of torture.

We have all heard the horror stories about being deprived of food, water, and sleep as well as being bombarded by noise and physical and mental abuse. These poor prisoner's bodies are forced into survival mode by the stress of this situation. They begin to lose focus on what is real.

You are incensed that people would treat other human beings with this kind of disrespect. Did you know that you are one of those hostages? Your jail is PERFECTIONISM and your jailer is TIME! Yet when I tell you to take care of yourself you say, "I don't have time, there are too many other things that need to be done." So as a result you are taken hostage.

It all started many years ago: Since the day we were born we have been told that if you can't do it right; don't do it at all and the other side of this perfectionism coin told us that we were women and we could do it all and have it all. No wonder we thought we were superwoman.

Well superwoman, we're not! That didn't stop us from pushing ourselves to the physical limit. Our first little home had to be perfect; you know this attitude. We could pull it off when it was just us. Then add into the mix a new husband and his stuff. We still wanted to have the perfect home. But guess what we did it. Only a few
times did our perfectionism rear its ugly head and we put things off because we didn't have time.

Then we found out we were pregnant. During our pregnancy we were waited on hand and foot! This is when we first started losing sleep; some nights the heart burn and leg cramps kept us jumping up and down not to mention being uncomfortable in our own skin. At least we could nap if we got a chance and not feel guilty. This is also when we fixed up the nursery and let our perfectionism go into overdrive. The
rest of house fell into CHAOS, but it was OK because we were pregnant.

After the baby arrived we prided ourselves in being the perfect mother. Then reality happened: Night feedings and losing even more sleep; not to mention the hormones running amuck. Throw into the picture of this perfect little family a new mom not eating properly, drinking enough water and getting very little sleep. This perfect picture is no longer feeling perfect to this mom. So she starts beating herself up because every thing seems so much harder now. Now some new moms can continue to hold it together until the second or third babe comes along. Then things start to fall apart.

I believe that you can never catch up on lost sleep. Sleep refreshes your body and heals. If you have to drag yourself out of bed; your body has not gotten its "nap out" like my granny always said. A good judge is how many times you hit the snooze button in the morning. Your body is begging for sleep! Then add in not eating right or drinking water along with perfectionism pushing you into crash and burn fatigue. Your body shifts into survival mode; you are being held hostage. Imagine being pushed into a pond of ice cold water. We have heard about children falling through the ice and when their core body temperature is lowered their little body starts to shut down. This is what happens to us. Our bodies think we are about to starve to death; unessential functions for our survival are turned off. Our hair gets thin, we are cold all the time, we get sick because our immune system has been depleted by the stress, we gain weight even though we are not eating that much, we feel depressed and we are so tired that we can barely move. All the while we keep pushing ourselves instead of listening to our inner voice say something is wrong.

When we finally do go to the doctor we are looked at like we are nuts. Aren't you superwoman? Or they pat us on the hand and say there there; Bless your little heart; Take two of these each day and you will be fine.

So how do we get out of this perfectionism jail that time has imprisoned us in. The strange part is that there are several keys that unlock the door to your jail cell. Sometimes it takes a combination of keys; you just have to start turning them one at a time.

1. Start going to bed at a decent hour and getting the sleep that your body is craving.

2. Eat food that is good for you and eat smaller meals more often. This keeps your body from feeling attacked and in survival mode. Please drink your water!

3. Set up small routines to keep from being stressed out by daily life. Your routines put your home on automatic pilot. You don't have to think; it just gets done and your stress is relieved one babystep at a time.

4. Catch yourself pushing too hard with the perfectionism. Stop and tell yourself it is OK. Housework done incorrectly; still blesses my family.

5. Remember that you can do anything for 15 minutes and then you get to rest.

6. Don't allow yourself to be beaten up by those superwoman voices in your head.

7. Find a doctor that will not patronize you and will listen. Ask questions. Have them check all of your thyroid levels. Check your body temperature. You may be in survival mode and your body is protecting you.

You would not treat another person the way you treat yourself. This is why the golden rule is so important; Love your neighbor as yourself. You can't love anyone else until you love yourself.

I want you to find the peace that I have! It came from taking care of me and listening to my body. Are you ready to FLY out of this perfectionism jail that time has imprisoned you in?

FlyLady

Update on JBS

J wrote me several weeks ago to let me know that it wasn't cancer after all. Thanks to all who remembered him! What a blessing...

Perfection not needed

Striving for excellence motivates you;

striving for perfection is demoralizing.

Harriet Braiker

I LOVED this quote today; and desperately needed it just today, as I've been beating myself up for the past 20 minutes. I seem to strive for perfection; why, I have NO clue. But I realized (through the help of the FlyLady) that, many times, people who are "lazy" are actually perfectionists. At first I thought that was crazy, and then it made a heck of a lot of sense to me. It's like, "If I can't do it perfectly, then why try?".

Well, I know that I'm getting lots better. I know that I'm becoming more domestic every day. I know that I'm becoming a better wife every day. And the silly mistake that I made today? I haven't made it in a long time… So, as the old song says, "pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again"…

Be gracious towards yourselves, friends…And I will strive to do the same!