The Empty Package

I am so very grateful for my friends who often know me better than myself, my friends that point out things that I might never see..

I was speaking with SOH today and trying to process some of this grief that I am dealing with over Wayne's loss. I loved something that she said. She said that my divorce was not like most people's divorces. Most people that get divorced have a happy period, they have the honeymoon, they have the time when everything is great for a while.. It's like someone who gets a gift that they unwrap, love the gift, enjoy it for a while, then lose it.

My situation is oh so different. I am the person who waits 8 years to open the big box they've been looking at forever. When they finally get to open it, they find it empty. They wasted all those years hoping and dreaming and wondering with blissful excitement. Then they have to deal with the grief of not only the empty dream, but the fact that all those years were wasted over longing for something that wasn't even there.

So, my grief today is deep. It goes much deeper than someone who passed away on Sunday. And I guess out of some respect for him, I've never spoken it fully. I never want to disrespect his memory (especially in such a medium as this), and would never want to disrespect his family and friends. I will never speak the horrible details here. But I will gently, kindly, speak my truth.

I have a sweet husband now. I have a great house and pets I love and wonderful friends. I am on the way to a new career that excites me. However, fifteen years after meeting Wayne, five years after the divorce, I still grieve over the empty marriage. And I guess there is a part of me that always will grieve. In many ways I have moved on, but in many ways, he has haunted me. I think the empty dream has haunted me. Maybe his loss will in some way set me free.