How to deal?

So, how is one to deal with the death of their ex-spouse with whom they have a horrible history? Obviously we had 10 years of history. The marriage was horrible, traumatic, bitter, painful and brief. It ended so poorly. We hadn't spoken in years. Yet, that doesn't change the fact that he was a part of my life for TEN YEARS. We had a godchild, I loved his nieces, his family, we had lots of friends, and lots of great memories. We laughed, sang a lot together, and lived large.

I am sad for him for more reasons that I'll state in such a way. The whole thing is just sad, sad, sad.

Part of me feels like I have no right to grieve. His family and friends were still in his life. Isn't the grief reserved for them? Part of my grief is for them though. And part of it is for the things that never were...

Ten years is a long time for someone to be such a big part of your life. Although he's been gone from my life for years, there is a part of him that never left. There wasn't a week that went by that I didn't think of him or dream of him in a brief way. That type of history never leaves you, and never will.

I ache for his loved ones. I ache for truth never revealed; for secrets locked up; for solace not needed.

I found this quote that touched me so deeply..

May the Angels lead you into paradise; may the martyrs greet you at your arrival and lead you into the holy city, Jerusalem. May the choir of Angels greet you and like Lazarus, who once was a poor man, may you have eternal rest.
In Paradisum

Due to severe pain and history, it's been a long time that I've wanted good things for him. I have failed in that way. But when I read this, I was so touched. I truly wish all that for him. I pray that he does have eternal rest and peace.

Live hard, friends. Live deep. Live honestly, with truth, sincerity, integrity, and openness. Love each other deeply. Life can be gone before we know it.