The Sham I Am

Parts of me have been a sham. This entire blog, even the title, was founded because I desired the truth. I am passionate about being real, about being one of integrity, about speaking the truth, of not beating around the bush.

But I have lived against this truth for years. I guess I can't say that some might not blame me. I guess some may say it's been a boundary; or maybe about protection. But for years I have been afraid of what would get back to my ex-husband. I didn't know who read this (or why I even assumed that anyone would care. Does this make me have a huge ego???), and didn't know what might get back to him. All the things that I wanted to be (brave, strong, happy, in love, etc.), those were things I wanted him to know about.. Not the things that were hard.

How stupid is this? How sad that THIS is my truth right now?? I don't know why JWP or anyone else of his friends would care about the fact that throughout the years I have been depressed, or lonely, or homesick, or longing for friends, or struggling spiritually, or infertile and now dealing with strange grief over him. It saddens me to even write those things. THESE things are my reality at times.. Why have I been so afraid to speak them?

MY TRUTH is that I am frail, and I am striving, and I am struggling. I am hungry for more and often disappointed, and sometimes have regrets. These are the truths that I have been unable to speak for fear that JWP would say "I told you so". My truth has been that my pride has gotten in the way.

Now that his loved ones have lost him, I guess that my truth can now be set free. How sad that I could not be brave enough to speak my truth, regardless of whether or not he was on this planet. Fifteen years later, he has still been affecting me...

God, help me to speak my truth, regardless. Help me to be brave and stay true to who I am and who made me to be.