Barren

I haven't written in a very very long time. Sometimes there are no words.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day.

Robert Caspar Lintner

Giving Thanks

My heart is full today. I genuinely realize how blessed I am. After this horrible tragedy that has come over the South recently I realize how precious life is and how precious our homes are. I am so grateful for the wonderful family that I have. God has blessed me with a precious family. We laugh together and cry together. We can talk and share and encourage and challenge each other to be better. My family members are my friends. I couldn't have better. I am so grateful for them. In the past year God has given the addition of our precious neice and I am so grateful for her. I love this little baby and am so grateful for the gift of her.

Life has been difficult lately for me for various reasons that I won't get into here. I'm at some pretty serious crossroads and am making some difficult decisions. I deal with stress and anxiety and at times depression. In spite of these, though, I am still aware of God's amazing goodness and all of His blessings.

I love photos and graphics and enjoy trying to find images that relate to what I'm going through to attach to my particular blog posts. I struggled today as I was thinking about this post. What kind of photo or image depicts thanks or gratefulness? It is such an internal thing. I did find a few, though, that I really liked. I hope you enjoy.

Have a blessed day, friends. May we always have a spirit of thankfulness and realization of just how blessed we really are, and not simply on Thanksgiving day.

Great image

To me, this image has such a feel of soaking it all in,

simply being grateful for life.

I love this one

It looks like the creator of this is Maxfield Parrish.

I love this one. She looks contemplative. Maybe reflecting on her blessings.

Have a Grateful Heart Art :)

Kathleen Taylor art.

Another lovely graphic courtesy of the lovely Tracy

My friend and coworkerTracy is so very talented with these graphics. I asked her to create something for me for my signature on my school's site. This is what she came up with. Isn't it great? I've started collecting small ceramic shoes, thus the reason for the high heels, not that I'd ever try to stand on such!

Gentle Reminder of Thanks

I was gently reminded today of the words to this hymn. What precious words during this season of thanks. May it be a spirit that endures throughout the year, rather than a holiday or a season alone.

For the beauty of the earth,
For the beauty of the skies,
For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.

For the beauty of each hour
Of the day and of the night,
Hill and vale, and tree and flower,
Sun and moon and stars of light,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.

For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child,
Friends on earth, and friends above,
Pleasures pure and undefiled,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.

For each perfect gift of thine,
To our race so freely given,
Graces human and divine,
Flowers of earth and buds of heaven,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.

For thy Church which evermore
Lifteth holy hands above,
Offering up on every shore
Her pure sacrifice of love,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.

Words by Francis Pierpoint (1835-1917)

A little humor for you to start your day

A forward from my dad - one of the funniest people I know

BRAIN CRAMPS

Question:

If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and "stuff."
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." (we are????)
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
---Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Feeling smarter yet?

Longing Still

Frog in the Kettle

I heard a story once about a frog. As the story goes, if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, he will immediately jump out. That frog ain't stupid! He knows that staying in a pot of boiling water will NOT be pleasant. HOWEVER, if you put the same frog in a pot of lukewarm water, and gradually turn up the heat, that po frog is gonna boil to death.

The moral of the story? Well, I've just been thinking lately about how we let things into our lives; whatever our demons may be. They are small at first; and then they fester. Then they get to be larger than life. They get to be larger than we can imagine. And then we can do nothing about it.

Friends, take it from someone who is in the boiling water. Nip it in the bud while you can. Whatever your ill is. Whatever your weakness is. Whatever grabs hold of you. DO NOT think that you can control it. If it is a problem area you will wind up a dead frog.

Newspaper article

My blog was featured in the local newspaper today. It was an honor to be in the paper yet I have some frustrations too. I feel in some ways that my blog was misrepresented. The reporter called the church office and asked if anyone there had a blog. I told her that I did. She told me that the article was on using blogs as an evangelistic tool. Mine is definitely not for that purpose and I informed her of that. I am a Christian. If I do have spiritual matters on my mind or in my heart I will write about them. I am open and honest, as I stated in the article, and have no problems with sharing things that are going on with me.

I also have problems because the church where I work was mentioned and she never asked me if that was ok or informed me that she was going to do that. She also said that I was a member of the church, which is untrue. There is a policy in which office staff cannot be members of the church in fact. I guess this is the problem with the press. Articles are written by fallible people. I presume we can't always trust what we read. I just hope that my employers will not feel that I misrepresented them in any way.

Men are just happier people

I got this in a forward today. Usually I DETEST forwards (most are way too trite for my taste). This one is way too funny though. Look at my Nov. 2 post and you'll see why I said what I said. Women are just too dern complicated!

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

How cute is this???

Grateful

Today I'm grateful for:

an evening to myself

a coworker I enjoy working and laughing with

possibilities

a good hair day

wonderful parents

my work week coming to a close

new friends

people who help me feel good about myself

seeing an old friend

hearing the voice of the one you love

2nd chances

the opportunity and freedom to express myself

the ability to seek knowledge

the hope of financial freedom

wisdom

smiles

comptuer games

getting lost for a while

my electric blanket

candles

thinks that make life easier

cooler weather

my favorite months and seasons approaching

stability

photographs

being able to be silly with a friend

calls from old friends

friends who you can pick up with right where you left off - no matter how long it's been

being able to share myself with others

my sweet bf's new home

God's provision for my bf in so many ways

the kindness of a stranger

finally having a room decorated nicely; just the way I like it

people who "get" you

warm slippers

a funny joke

taking a break

a good night's sleep

sleeping in!

rewards

wheat thins with vetetable cream cheese

Krispy Kreme pumpkin spice donuts (only around this time of the year! get 'em while you can! hee hee...)

my hair is finally growing!

progress

someone with a gentle spirit

people who are examples for us to follow

my sweet dog, Pepper

hugs from my mom

laughs and silly talk with my dad

my precious niece (I cannot believe she is almost 9 months old!!!)

a car that runs well

my brother has a great job that has recently been provided for him

saving for a rainy day

my few moments of being organized

freedom

God's grace

love

my sweet bf

family

great friends

what could be better?

Another graphic courtesy of Tracy

Thank you, Crys

I have a wonderful friend.
Her name is Crystal.
She reads my blog faithfully;
probably more than any other.
I doubt I have ever mentioned her.
But his post is written in her honor.

Crystal is a precious friend.
She is 100% low-maintentance.
She is always there.
Listening, talking, laughing, encouraging;
spending time with me;
but never needy; never clingy.

I've thought to myself lately
(and I realize this comment will sound utterly ridiculous)
"you know, I really don't like women".
Now you may think,
"hm, that's weird..she IS a woman"...
True
BUT
there are things that I don't like about myself;
and these can be typical of women.

Needy, clingy, high-maintenance, complicated;
etc., etc., etc.
One reason I love Crys is that she is none of these.
A simple girl. No fluff. Straight to the point.
Easy.
Not feathered by emotions.
Not complicated or hard to "get".
What you see is what you get.

She knows that as friends, and as people,
we can get busy.
We get caught up in our lives.
She understands.
And never expects more than I can give.

She accepts me unconditionally.
Not-judging.
Understanding and loving patiently.

I love her and am so grateful.
Thanks, Crys, for all you do

and for just being you!
I wish I was more like you!

me & Crys on her wedding day - April 2005

Don't we look good??

 

Mental Health Day - Courtesy of PJ

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.


My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.


A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".


I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?" She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Halloween Me - Courtesy of Tracy

Another pic of Landon with his sweet mama

Tracy and Landon

A Breath of Fresh Air

I feel like a new woman today. My sweetheart is off today; what perfect timing. "Providential" as the some would say. His electricity was turned on and he is out shopping for his new home. I wish I could be with him!

I got to see the trailer yesterday. I was suprised at how nice it is. It's rather generic-looking (as are the other 49 or so FEMA trailers next to it), but he will be able to fix it up nicely. The furniture in it is really, really nice.

I am so relieved that my sweet man has been provided for. Thank you, Jehovah Jireh, our provider.

'And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh;

(that is, The Lord will provide).'- Genesis 22:14.

As these two, Abraham and Isaac, were travelling up the hill, the son bearing the wood, and the father with the sad burden of the fire and the knife, the boy said: 'Where is the lamb?' and Abraham, thrusting down his emotion and steadying his voice, said: 'My son, God will provide Himself a lamb.' When the wonderful issue of the trial was plain before him, and he looked back upon it, the one thought that rose in his mind was of how, beyond his meaning, his words had been true. So he named that place by a name that spoke nothing of his trial, but everything of God's provision--

'The Lord will see,' or 'The Lord will provide.'

Halllelu! FEMA came through!

Bf has a home!!! He called today from work and said that FEMA had called him and told him to meet him at a mobile home park in Gulfport. He now has keys to his own mobile home! It's a three bedroom, brand new, furnished mobile home. He can live in it, rent free, for 18 months. How fabulous is that!?!? God has provided through FEMA and through our tax dollars. I am so grateful. My sweetheart has been provided for. I will sleep peacefully tonight... Thank you all for your prayers...

Dr. Laura - his stress is not my stress

I'm taking a break from my studies of dermatology (blech!) to write about an episode I listened to the other day on Dr. Laura. The woman is very controversial, for sure. I'm sure that most people either love her or hate her. I like her non-emotional approach ("stroking" people in need seems to waste a lot of time - and doesn't encourage change, I don't think); however, being a caring, emotional, empathetic person, I think her approach is a tad harsh at times.

I was very interested in a conversation she had with a young girl on air the other day. She called in stating that she'd had a lot of stress in her life. She reported that she was 19, a newlywed, and her husband was overseas with the military. He'd gotten hurt and didn't know what was going to happen with his career. Dr. Laura replied with, "you've told me about his stress, what is yours?"... the young girl proceeded to talk about her brother who was a newlywed and having marital problems. Again, Dr. Laura stated, "that's your brother's stress..what's yours?" She went on to say that in her experiences with counseling, that most people had a lot of stress in their lives, but it was not their own. They were spending a lot of time worrying about other people's problems. How close to home is that for me? I've told people lately that I feel as if I'm the one who lost my home because I care for my bf so much. But I suppose I'm not doing him any favors allowing it to get me down. I'm certainly not doing myself any favors.

I wonder how this plays in with people that are married. What I mean by that is, I know that boundaries are important in marriage. However, the two DO become one, right? This young 19 year old girl was married. Whatever happened to her husbands career would affect her too...

I know that I've let myself go a lot...have not done the things that I was doing before all this happened. I know that's not healthy. I know my boundaries have been meshed, and that's not good.

Anyone have thoughts on Dr. Laura? I enjoy listening to her and become stronger; empowered, I think... She does need a tad more compassion, though...

Guilty Pleasures

Does anyone else have guilty pleasures? (In searching about guilty pleasures on google, I actually found a book with this title: The Encyclopedia of Guilty Pleasures: 1,001 Things You Hate to Love by Sam Stall, Lou Harry and Julia Spalding). A guilty pleasure is something that you enjoy that you feel as if you shouldn't. Well, my latest guilty pleasure is FX's hit show Nip Tuck. How can you look at these men photographed here and not be interested in this show??? (Ok, so men with pretty faces are another guilty pleasure)

Here is a brief synopsis for you:

Nip/Tuck (premiered July 22, 2003) is an American drama television series created by Ryan Murphy for FX Networks. It follows the lives of two Miami plastic surgeons, Sean McNamara (Dylan Walsh) and Christian Troy (Julian McMahon), as their lives fall apart under the stress of greed, envy, lust and crime. The show, while not strictly a soap opera, has some story arcs. In its debut season, Nip/Tuck was the highest-rated new series on basic cable, and the highest rated basic cable series of all for the 18-49 and 25-54 age demographics. The first season averaged about 3.25 million viewers an episode, and was released on DVD in the US on June 15, 2004. The second season averaged about 3.8 million viewers per episode, and was released on DVD in the US on August 30, 2005.

In 2005, Nip/Tuck won the Golden Globe for Best Drama Series. The third season debuted in the U.S. on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 and debuted in the UK on October 16, 2005.

I have this show recorded regularly on TiVO. I had about 15 episodes recorded and my sweetheart and I would watch several at a time. Now, I've watched all the old episodes and am caught up with the current season. This is so frustrating because I have to wait a whole week to catch the new episode! Last night was a great episode. Any other Nip/Tuck fans? Anyone else with guilty pleasures?

Tracy's son

This is my friend Tracy's son. Isn't he precious?

His is a CHUNK!

I love this photo of him.

Life Goes On

I remember in 1991 I went through a painful breakup. I barely ate for a week (and thus lost 10 pounds that week) and was horribly depressed. I remember watching people around me; friends, family, co-workers; even strangers in the mall, those driving past me. I remember thinking, "how can they be so happy"... It was odd to see people living "like normal" when I sure as heck wasn't. I realized how so many people might feel like that; after a loss of a loved one, or during other times of grief. Grief is often a lonely thing. Sometimes people understand what you're going through, but it's rarely at the same level, at the same time. Even two parents who lose a child grieve in different ways, I'm sure.

My sweetheart and I both grieve; on different levels for sure. I didn't lose my home and everything I own (although I did lose practically every sentimental thing I owned prior to 2000 due to the irresponsibility of my sorry ex-husband who didn't pay the storage rental bill and didn't tell me about it until everything had been auctioned off). I know what grief and loss is like. I grieve now because I love him so intensely and I cannot stand to see him hurting. I hurt because he hurts. But I'm sure even that grief is not like his. So therefore, we both grieve alone to some degree.

I presume the only remedy is time. Only time will allow the grief to subside. Only in time will he find housing, and little by little, replace his belongings.

Have you ever noticed that with time, though, that people forget? We said we'd "never forget" 9/11. But haven't we? We don't grieve like we did then. Sure it was a huge tragedy but it doesn't impact us like it did then. Of course, much of that is normal. However, it's difficult when people are still going through difficulties and those around them don't seem to understand the gravity of it.

My love STILL doesn't have housing. He is STILL homeless. He's still with my family and has been for 43 days. I am so grateful for my parents' hospitality. I presume they're ready for their house back, though. So what happens to him? He's thinking of spending some time with his family in Mobile. He's gravitated towards us for some reason, and for that I am grateful. I pray that his heart has been nourished during this time. Someone said recently, "other people have moved on, why can't he?".... comments like that make me see that people just don't understand the gravity of the situation we are in. There is NO HOUSING. I've looked online and there are some people that will allow strangers to come into their home for refuge. (One person I talked to said that her 15 year old son wanted to give up his bedroom so someone would have a home. How touching is that??) However, how difficult is it for those who have lost everything to move into someone else's home, that they don't even know, and lose something else of value: their privacy; their independence.... Sure, those that are on the street would be so grateful, I'm sure... anyway, I'm rambling...

A frustration of mine is FEMA...(the Flawed Emergency Management Agency)..Now don't get me wrong. They do great work. Many have received much needed assistance from them. But they are unorganized and it seems to me, clueless about most victims of the storm. I know people who are in homes that are untouched that have received close to $5000, yet my bf is still homeless. I know people who have gotten money, who had no damage, were not out of work, etc. People are frauding the Federal Government and it IRRITATES ME. Fema has given my bf money for rental assistance. But let me ask you this... What good does rental assistance money do you if there is no where to rent???

My emotions are up and down... I've had to seek further medicinal support during this time of stress and grief. One thing that I love about my sweetheart is that he expresses him emotions and does not stuff them like a lot of men do. The downside of this, though, is that I see his feelings. Last night he didn't even speak a word and I could see the sadness in his eyes. Being the empathetic person that I am, I hurt with him.

I've let myself go in a lot of ways, though, in these days since the storm; I'm trying to be better about that. I've started back to studying. I've actually really enjoyed my studies as of late. I guess it's been a refuge for me in some ways...

I'm feeling particularly eager to write today.. not sure why... anyway, many people know that I've struggled a lot spiritually since my marriage. One day I will have to write that whole story out (of course, my spiritual story and my marriage story are two completely different novels all together) :) I continue to struggle spiritually, even now though, amidst this difficult time. It's so hard when people say to "just trust God"... I guess, honestly, it's not the trusting God part that bothers me, but the people that say that to me. It makes me feel that they truly don't understand grief and hurting; as if to say, "just trust God and the hurt will go away"... I know first hand that this is NOT true.. There are NO guarantees. As the Bible says, the rain falls on the just and the unjust. I have a hard, hard time sorting that out. People say if you do the right thing, you'll be blessed for it. But I also know firsthand, that's not always true.

I've learned about pain and sorrow and grief in the past few years in a way I'd never experienced it before. I've learned more, spiritually too, I guess... I've learned experientially, rather than through book knowledge. Seminary sure doesn't teach you the types of things I've lived through. Nothing in a book teaches you this stuff...

Ok, I'm rambling now... I've added some photos below. Some of of our precious dogs. Pepper is our family dog that we've had for a year or so. Pedro is my sweetheart's dog and has been with us since the storm as well. They are so terribly funny together. I will close with this story of Pedro and Pepper's adventures.

Pepper has a serious naughty streak in him. He loves to sneak around and do things he knows he's not supposed to do. One thing in particular, is to get the towel that he sleeps on from his kennel and chew on it. The place where he does this, is in the formal dining room, underneath the table (usually with the lights off). If we haven't seen or heard Pepper in a while, it means he is in there doing something he's not supposed to. I've named the Dining Room the "naughty room" for this reason.

Last night, I hadn't heard or seen Pepper or Pedro in a while. I went into the "naughty room" and sure enough, Pepper was in there with his towel. I glanced to my left in the dining room, and there was Pedro... He had taken his towel from his cage and was chewing on it as well!!! If you knew their personalities, you'd know how funny this is. Pepper is very aggressive (but still very sweet) and Pedro is very passive. The whole thing reminded me of a little brother that imitated his big brother because he wanted to be just like him! Too funny...

Stories like this keep me going... Thank you God, for the small things...

Pep & Pedro...

Pepper

Pedro

letting go
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Abraham/Isaac
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letting go
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letting go
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maker of love

help me to love with boundaries;
to not try to do what only you alone can do
i cannot move mountains
i cannot move souls
that is yours
and yours alone

help me to know when to speak
when to touch
and when to refrain;
when to ignite
when to withdraw

please do what only you can do
and empower me to do what I must
teach me what I must not do
show me what I must

elighten and encourage
enflame
ignite
empassion
draw
combust within us
do what only you can

we are but dust
you are everything

help me to love from a distance
when I must
step away when it's needed
help me to not love TOO much
help me not to smother

help me to empower
and encourage
to nurture
to love
only as much as needed
not too much
and definitely not too little
show me how to live
that which is just right

for that is something
that can only come from you

oh maker of love

Peaceful photo of couple
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Heaviness

I feel a heaviness setting in. I feel like the world is sitting on my chest. I don't think I've ever loved the way I love my sweetheart. He is having such a hard time and I think I feel every pain. Maybe this is an issue of boundaries. I can't fix him. I can't heal him. I can't ease his burdens. I can try to make life easier for him. I can do my best to make him smile and laugh. But I cannot fix him. I sure wish I could. But we are all only responsible for ourselves.

God, will you please give him a place to live? Will you lighten his load? Will you lighten mine? Our lives have been turned upside down. Become our center and show us just how much we need you. Draw us closer to yourself. Be our strength. Please give him peace and rest. Provide for his every need - internally and externally.

Life goes on... difficult as it can be...

'I was once like you'

The following are reprinted from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, which has been running some pretty amazing first-hand accounts of Katrina in their Page Two column, “The Morning File.”

‘I was once like you’

From Howard Luna,
who wrote this in church the first Sunday after Katrina.

I was once like you.
I had a home, a community, a church.
I was once like you.
I had family and friends close by.
I was once like you.
I said that I would donate money and volunteer time but never did.
I was once like you.
I had a job, financial security, cars, boats, etc.
But no more, I am not like you.
I am happy that friends and family are not close by because I know that they are safe.
I am not like you.
I cry tears of joy when friends and family leave
knowing that they are one step closer to going home.
I am not like you.
I left home, not by choice but by the hand of GOD.
Who am I
I know that home is where my wife and kids are.
Who am I
I am a person who will give more, volunteer more
and open my home to anyone in need without reservation.
Who am I I am a person who has seen more angels in the past two weeks
then a thousand people will see in a lifetime.
Who am I
I am a displaced person to some, a refugee to others.
Who am I
I’m a person that just wants to go home.

Some fluff removed

I've been thinking of my blog; of writing, of documenting my life and who I am. I often think of different things to write during the day, sometimes when I'm lying in bed attempting to sleep. I entitled my blog "Traci's Truth" because being real is so important to me. I do not enjoy facades/pretending; I try to be an example of one of emotional integrity.

Several months ago I felt like my blog was "too intense" and therefore searched the internet for fun quizzes, photos, etc. to "lighten" up my blog. I realized last night that my "intense" blogs just encapsulate who I am. That was my "truth" at the time. And shying around this and trying to be something I'm not is opposite of what I'm trying to do. Therefore, I removed some of the "fluff". It was silly and junior-highish, so I'm sure it will not be missed! (I did, however, leave "What Napoleon Dynamite character are you" simply because I love that movie so much)...

Have a blessed day!

An Adult Child Living with Adult Parents

I have been so grateful for my sweet parents. They took me in over three years ago after my divorce and I remain under their roof! We have developed closer relationships and I do really enjoy their companionship. They have also been so gracious to take my love in their home these past few weeks and have treated him like family. My parents are wonderful, precious people. I adore them and thank God for them.

I have had a few struggles while living at home with being an adult and living with my adult parents. I know that many adults living at home would struggle with the same - and the parents struggle, too. There are conflicts of interest, conflicts of opinions, etc. My parents raised me with strong values and morals (a conservative Southern Baptist home). They did a wonderful job of raising my siblings and myself. I have, however, over the past couple of years developed a sense of individuality; straying somewhat. Not rebelling, not turning away; but defining who I am and what I believe - apart from mom and dad, apart from the church, etc. The past few years have been invaluable. I have a strong identity and a strong sense of self. I have a confidence in who I am and what I believe that I never had before. The past few years have been priceless.

My parents have had difficulty, however, particularly my mother, with seeing me live differently than they; differently from the way they raised me (these are very tiny differences, mind you). Now, I've never been a parent. But I imagine it would be tremendously difficult to see your children live differently than how you'd hope they would; to "let them go" in a sense. My bet is that the majority of parents struggle with this.

I had to have a semi-confrontation recently. I had to take a stand and set a boundary and it was somewhat difficult. I think my mother had an even harder time with it. I had to say, "I've got to be who I think I need to be". It's been so easy for me over the past couple of years to simply hide the differences - to try to camouflage as much as possible; so as to not rock the boat, or not hurt my precious parents. I came to realize, however, that this was not helping them, or me. I cannot hide from the world. There's no need for me to flaunt that I am different, but there's no shame in it either. I am who I am, as Popeye says. If I am confident and self-assure, then there is no need to hide in the decisions that I make.

This has been a growing period. I have learned much. I pray that I will always be gracious and honorable, yet true to myself. I pray that I will continue to do soul searching; to not cower in my decisions. I pray that I will be brave. I pray that I will be an example to others about developing a sense of identity. To truly examine what you know and what you believe and decide if it is YOURS. To not simply blend in because it's what you know, or because it's comfortable.

Natchez, MS

What a delightful getaway we had! We spent the weekend in historic Natchez, MS and had such a great time. I stayed in the 1888 Wensel House Bed and Breakfast (http://www.1888wenselhouse.com/). The owners were so delightful. The other residents of the home were people from LA displaced by Katrina. We'd all sit around at breakfast and exchange stories. Everyone has been affected in some way during the storm.

Friday night we ate at Pearl Street Pasta. The atmostphere was amazing, the food great, but the service was HORRIBLE. The place had been recommended to me by many, so I know they were certainly just having a bad night. We ordered a bottle of White Zinfendel (the last bottle they had) and she cracked it trying to open it!! We received our salads an hour and a half after we placed our order. She asked us "what did you order again?" at that time... We knew we were in trouble then!! The food was good.. It was just disheartening having to spend the amount we did with the service we received. Anyway, on to more delightful things!

My sweetie has been enjoying cigars as of late, so we were able to find a tobacco store with a walk in humidor and he found some good things...

Saturday we had a busy, busy, day. We went to the Natchez welcome center, toured Longwood plantation which was amazing (photo listed above), ate at Fat Mama's tamales (the most amazing margaritas on the planet (http://www.fatmamastamales.com/order.html), went to a very quaint bookstore (Turning Pages), visited the famous Darby's and bought some wonderful fudge (http://www.darbysfudge.com/Fudge%20Tales.htm) , this amazing gourmet pet store (Fydeaux - we were probably there 45 minutes just talking to the owners. They were such neat people http://www.fydeauxspetco.com/dishes.htm), toured the William Johnson museum (so very interesting;Natchez is full of neat history. Johnson was a free man of color who was very wealthy. He lent money to the banks of Natchez! Interestingly, he had his own slaves. He kept a diary, which I think I'd love to read). (http://www.natchez.ms.us/custom/webpage.cfm?content=News&id=39)

That evening we ate at Pig Out Barbecue which was wonderful. We sat at Slough Daddy's outdoor restaurant/pub and listened to some live music and then took a carriage ride around down. That was absolutely delightful. It was just the two of us, the evening was very pleasant, and the driver knew so many neat little facts about Natchez and its history. Below is one of the stories he told us.

There was a man that owned a pub. He had an elephant that only paying customers could see, to attract business. A couple of customers thought it would be interesting to see what would happen if the elephant was drunk so they brought buckets of ale out for it to drink. The elephant became out of control, broke down the fence and was tearing through the neighborhood. They eventually had to kill it to cease the destruction. Our tour guide said, "Now, I wasn't there, so I don't know if it's true or not; but I will tell you there is a law in Natchez that says you cannot give alcohol to
an elephant". We thought that was rather humorous.

Sunday we went and looked out at the Mississippi River a while. We then took a drive through the historic Cemetary in Natchez. It was amazing to see these tombstones that were over a century old. It was beautiful and peaceful out there. We also drove through the Natchez National Cemetary. There were dozens upon dozens of unknown soldiers' graves.

On the way home we stopped and my brother's and I was able to visit with them, my sis and my precious niece! She is growing up so fast.

Ok - our wonderful weekend has been shared with you! We took some photos; unfortunately I do not have a digital camera yet, so I'll have to wait until they are developed to share them with all (and I am HORRIBLE about procrastinating and getting photos developed - hopefully these will be done quickly).

We had a delightful time in Natchez and I hope we can go back soon. There were so many things we wanted to do, but just didn't have the time or energy to do them. Hope you can go visit too! Natchez is a delightful, interesting, friendly town.

Update and getting away!

JS and I are getting away this weekend! I absolutely cannot wait! I'm going to leave tragedy behind and forget about crisis for a while. We both have been so stressed out. A break is much needed.

My love is feeling displaced - very understandably so. So many people have commented on those that have lost everything and have said, "well they are only temporary possessions". That is true. However, losing your home is so much more than that. It is work to build up a home; years of saving and preparing. Home is your refuge. Home is where you keep the things precious to you; many that can never be replaced. JS lost his childhood desk, his baby blanket, his son's baby blanket, some antiques, his grandfather's watch, numerous photos, etc. These items can never be replaced. His home, more than anything, was "his". A place he could always go and feel safe. A place to "put his stuff". I've stayed with others for an extended period of time and I know how hard it is to not have anywhere to "put your stuff"! Living out of suitcase is hard. It's also hard when you do your best to respect the wishes of the people you're staying with - even when your habits can be so different.

Will you pray for us if you think about it? More JS, than me... but you know what? I have never loved the way I love JS. I hurt so much when he hurts. I update so reguarly about him, because I feel like these things are happening to me. He is such a precious man. My deepest prayer for him is peace and rest and stability. I pray that he will find a home soon - even if it is only a temporary place; someplace that is his very own.

I hope to get some more photos of him and of us together while we are both at mom and dad's. I want you all to see more of this sweet man that I adore so.

Peace and love to you all -

Tuesday's Truth

• I'm tired - although I did get good sleep last night
• My heart breaks for JS and all the other losses around us
• My heart aches for my brother and sister-in-law for recent painful struggles they are facing
• I hurt for Randy - a temp janitor helping us at the church, who lost his 10-year-old daughter during Katrina - a tree fell on their trailer and broker her neck. Is there anything more sad???
• Life can be so very hard sometimes
• I pray for my sis as she interviews at a job fair for teachers in St. Charles parish today
• God is drawing me nearer to himself as a result of recent tragedies
• I pray he does the same for JS and all other affected by these tragedies
• I need to get back on the ball with my eating, exercise and studying - getting out of my routine always messes me up - I wish I didn't struggle with these things so
• Work is CRAZY as we are serving the community with relief efforts
• My car is clean and that makes me feel good!
• I do so enjoy these days with my dearheart
• His biggest need right now is temporary housing - preferably on the Coast, if not in Hattiesburg. This commute is wearing him down I think. He had to leave at 4:30 this morning... ugh... He needs his own space.
• My sis received relief money from FEMA... PTL!
• A friend recently sent me an email and said that we shouldn't accept government money - because it's not willingly given. I understand this point - many abuse the system - but for people who live paycheck to paycheck, pay taxes, are hardworking citizens, this government money comes in so helpful.
• I haven't taught piano lesson one this month. Everyone's schedule is completely off due to Katrina.
• I'm so grateful for my friends who have been so kind during all this. I am blessed.
• I guess that's it for now. I'm so tired. More coffee is needed.

September 11, 2001

It's odd to realize that another major catastrophe happened on this day four years ago. We have been so caught up in what is going on now that I guess it's easy to forget what happened back then. Life can be so hard. When I was younger I didn't have a clue what life could be like. However, I guess no American before Sept. 11, 2001 or August 29, 2005 could fathom the death and destruction that could take place in our nation. Lord help us.

9/11

A day of rest

We have enjoyed a day of rest today. My sis has left us for a couple of days, so it is just mom and dad, JS and me, Pepper and Pedro. :) Pepper is our dog, a chihuahua pekingese mix and Pedro is J's dog that is 100% chihuahua. We've had a lot of fun with them.

Not too much has happened this weekend. JS and I went to Laurel last night and had dinner with Crystal and Eric and their pastor. That was a refreshing time; just to get away and be with friends. J and I went back to Crystal & Eric's afterwards and played a game. A taste of normalcy: it was lovely.

JS still has moments of being up and down. He's seemed rather down this weekend. I guess grief does come in waves. And I know it will all take time. I am grateful that we've been able to take him into our home and minister to him. I pray that he finds comfort and peace being here.

I've attached photos from J's apartment and Long Beach below.

J's apartment was right in front of the trees

Longwood Apartments, Long Beach, MS

Longwood Apartments, Long Beach, MS

J walking through rubble.

The top floor of a building now in the middle of the road. The orange X is to note that the building has been searched for bodies.

Rubble 2 blocks from J's apartment where we found the photos of his son - untouched.

Several buildings still stood...

Ironically, the first aparment that J lived in is still standing (pictured in this photo). He moved due to flooding. He had an inch of water standing in his apartment several months ago; thus, moved to a new one.

National Guardsmen check passes to get into the area south of the railroad tracks.
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Inside J's first apartment - you can tell where the water line was.

The management cannot be found. J wants his deposit back! :)

Doubt any future resident will be parking here.

Long Beach
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More Long Beach destruction.
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J climbing debris to get to his coworkers house to check on him. No one had heard from him and his car was in front of the house. All had feared the worse. He was later located.

Long Beach

Residents of Long Beach say thank you.

Residents of Long Beach letting others know they are alive and well.

A Hymn in Response to Hurricane Katrina's Impact

A Hymn in Response to Hurricane Katrina's Impact
By Stephen D. Lawton

God of nature, at whose voice the waves and winds must now obey.

Editor's note: This is a hymn offered in response to Hurricane Katrina and the ensuing disasters in the Gulf Coast states, August 29, 2005. Written by Stephen D. Lawton, Director of Music and Worship at Mitchell Road Presbyterian Church in Greenville, S.C. (PCA).

God of Nature, at Whose Voice

God of nature, at whose voice the waves and winds must now obey,
Give your people words of comfort, acts of grace to share today.
Yours the pow’r of devastation, yours to gather, help and heal;
We know not your ways of wisdom; let your light our paths reveal.

Shelter Lord, the homeless, helpless, young and old with pity see,
Give their daily food, supply their needs with perfect equity.
Grant protection, strength and patience to their rescuers, we pray;
Fill with hope the laboring workers, grace to serve both night and day.

Bring your people ever closer, sharing pain of grief and loss,
Motivate us, loving Savior, with the love shown by your cross.
We, your Body, long to serve you, serving others in your name,
And when sorrow washes o’er us, Gracious Spirit, heal the pain.

Call our nation to repentance; gather us that we may see
You’re the God of love and mercy; rescue us and set us free.
Let our deeds announce redemption, saving grace for all our days.
Let your song go forth to cheer us, lifting heart and hands to praise. Amen.

Beach Spring, 87.87.D (Come All Christians Be Committed)
© 2005 Stephen D Lawton, all rights reserved

http://www.byfaithonline.com/

Friday again

Things are progressing and life goes on. The destruction I've seen and tasted is so small compared to what is going on around us. I continue to be heartbroken and simply numb at times - in utter disbelief of what has happened. My head knows that our Lord is in control, but it can be so hard to believe at times.

All of us went to church together this past Sunday. I struggled with something the preacher said, and my father stated later that he did too. The preacher said that God did not cause this storm. I do know that God is not vindictive and that he did not willfully impose destruction upon us (the pastor's point was that we have storms and trials in life due to the fact that sin entered the world). However, who else controls the weather? No one but him. He is the author of it and the One that controls the winds and the waves. So I just have a hard time making sense of all that. I guess it's just one of those things we'll never understand. Someone enlighten me if you have some wisdom to share in this regard.

I continue to be so proud of my sweetheart. He came home from work all smiles yesterday. I think he's finding a sense of camaraderie amongst the guys he's working with. There seems to be a lightheartedness at work - they are providing a cookout today for all the workers (there are very few of them working on the Gulf Coast right now, it seems). I think he's needed this and I'm grateful for it. Someone that came into the plant yesterday said that he never would have expected to see such a happy bunch of guys. He is a survivor and I am proud of him. I am so grateful that he is in my life. I do adore him so.

No telling what this weekend will be like. There has been a curfew in Hattiesburg, and all of us are trying to conserve our funds. It may be a lazy weekend. I gotta get studying! We now have our cable and high speed internet back... There is no excuse now!

Ok, I better quit for now. I'll try to be better about updating this.. Thanks to all of you who are reading and keeping up...

A moment to rejoice

My sister went to her house in Metairie yesterday. They were allowing residents to go in for a brief time to check their offices/homes and remove items. My sis, mom and dad drove to Metairie (an 11.5 hour round trip - they only spent 1 hour in the house. Tells you how much time they spent in the car since it's about 100 miles to Metairie from Hattiesburg). My sister's house is 100% in perfect condition! We are so very grateful. She even had power! She said it was like she had just been gone for the weekend when she returned.

Sis is still praying for direction. Her school where she has been teaching is completely damaged as is her church. She will need to relocate somewhere temporarily until the city is up and running again but she is not sure where she will go.

JS is still staying with us at mom and dad's. He has been able to work at some of the concrete plants on the coast and has been commuting the past couple of days. The drive and gasoline will be tough on him, but I know he's glad to be working again and to be contributing to his home community.

J is hoping for temporary housing - possibly in Hattiesburg until housing is available on the coast. He is certainly grateful for mom and dad opening up their home (and I am certainly treasuring my time with him and the time that he and the family are having time to get to know each other better), but of course, desires a place of his own.

I will try to update my blog more regularly for those of you that would like to keep up. My studying has suffered greatly during all this. I'm hoping that we'll get our high speed internet up and going soon and that I'll be able to tear myself away from J to get some studying done!

Katrina

One view of J's apartment complex (the middle and right building are actually top floors from other buildings that have been placed in the road)

Today is the first day of work after Katrina's fury. It has been a very trying time. Getting back to work is somewhat refreshing - yet a tad difficult, too. My heart has broken because of all the pain and destruction around me and it's hard to go on - living as I did before the devastation.

Yesterday J and I went to Long Beach. We went to find some of his co-workers and to see the plant where he worked. I think he felt a need to get back and connect somewhat. He was able to connect with his supervisor and one other co-worker. The plant is about 50% destroyed. It will be rebuilt.

We got a pass from the Long Beach fire department to go into his neighborhood. I never imagined it would look the way it did. Someone told J, "anything you see on the news, or hear on the radio... it's worse...". There are marks on doors from where they were in each home looking for bodies. We weren't able to decipher the different marks to tell where there were bodies and were there weren't.

We went into what was his apartment complex and the stench was horrible. We had to climb over two buildings to get to where his apartment was. There is nothing left. For about a square mile, there is nothing but concrete slabs and debris...and silence. The silence was eerie. That was once such a noisy place - and now you could hear the waves from the Gulf a block away.

We were walking slowly, looking through debris two blocks from where J's apartment was. I looked down and saw a perfectly in-tact photo of his son. It was amazing. We found what looked like a suitcase of his in the same location. He opened it up and there was a receipt from when he stayed in a hotel back in June. Those were the only items he took away with him; the photo and the receipt. He was able to find the exact location of his apartment and could find nothing (although his son's toilet was still attached to the floor....pretty interesting).

My heart is heavy. Not for how this storm has affected me; but for how it's affected everyone else. I guess I've watched too much of the news. I see these children without their parents, and think of the thousands and thousands of people who are now homeless; the ones who don't know where their loved ones are. I know I'm one of the blessed. But I hurt for those that aren't so blessed.

I saw a sign yesterday spray painted outside of someone's home. It said: "By the grace of God, the south shall rise again." I pray that it will; I know it will only be by the grace and help of God.

TGIF!!!

Oh, how I love Fridays. I get to wear jeans to work. I spend time thinking of how I will get to spend my weekend. There is an overall sense of relaxation; knowing that the end is in sight! Sure it's just temporary; just a pause. Yet it rejuvenates me!

I am thinking of starting a second blog strictly for my new health journey that I've ventured on. Not a diet. Not "training" (because training comes to an end eventually). But permanent change. I've had years and years of poor habits. Honestly, I've had lots of bad habits in all areas of my life. I am doing my very best to take charge of my life. To be gracious and be brave at the same time and conquer these small habits (that add up to be a huge disorderly life).

I'm working out, I'm eating healthy, drinking my water, trying to get enough sleep, trying to keep my living space clean, trying to have a balanced life... Normally when I venture out on a new journey, I am so hyped and believe that I can conquer the world. I am facing these changes with a bit of humility this time, I guess. I realize that I can fall on my face in a heartbeat. I know that permanent changes must be made. I know that my lifestyle has to change. I know that's not going to be easy. And I KNOW it's going to take a LONG time (I didn't get this way overnight - it's been 35 years of poor habits). But I'm doing my best to take it one day at a time. Pray for me in my quest, if you think about it. :)

Things with J are still going fabulously :) We see each other pretty much every weekend. After several months together, though, we're starting to settle in a bit; we realize that we have our own individual needs and loved ones as well, and take time apart from each other when needed to take care of our own needs. I am so grateful for him. He is by far one of the very best things that has ever happened to me. Thank you, Lord, for this precious, precious man...

I'm still LOVING school! I'm about 7 weeks into it and, as everything else in my life, I have a long way to go. But I'm doing my best and learning a lot. I think just possibly, I've finally found what I want to be when I grow up! Sheesh! It's taken long enough!

I'm feeling a lot of gratitude today. Life is good. I am blessed. I am grateful.

SARK - "How to be an Artist"

I love SARK... Don't know if you've heard of her or not. She is an artist and an author. An encourager ... I have several of her books. Many may find them "hokey" (I surely would have years ago)... But now I find a sense of calm and encouragement as I read her stuff.

Here is a taste:

HOW TO BE AN ARTIST

stay loose. learn to watch snails. plant impossible gardens. invite someone dangerous to tea. make little signs that say yes! and post them all over your house. make friends with freedom & uncertainty. look forward to dreams. cry during movies. swing as high as you can on a swingset, by moonlight. cultivate moods. refuse to 'be responsible.' do it for love. take lots of naps. give money away. do it now. the money will follow. believe in magic. laugh a lot. celebrate every gorgeous moment. take moonbaths. have wild imaginings, transformative dreams, and perfect calm. draw on the walls. read everyday. imagine yourself magic. giggle with children. listen to old people. drive away fear. play with everything. entertain your inner child. you are innocent. build a fort with blankets. get wet. hug trees. write love letters...

Can you take any truths away from this? I know I can....

Back to studying :)

I'm still here!

Hello friends and neighbors. Yes, I am still alive... It's been almost two months since I've posted! Yikes! I've had so very much going on though...

I've started school! I am officially a student at M-TEC, an online school for medical transcription. I have wanted to pursue this for about a year now and am so excited about it!

I am still with my sweet JBS! We've been together for three months now and I completely adore him. We spend every weekend together. He makes me laugh, and listens to me, and talks to me and is so AVAILABLE... Which is something I've needed for years. I honestly have not been in a relationship like this since I was 19 years old. You know that one that you shouldn't have let go? (doesn't everyone have one like that?) J is my second chance. I completely adore him and am so grateful that he is a part of my life.

My days pretty much consist of work, study and JS. I'm trying to maintain a balance (which is ALWAYS a struggle for me) and concentrate on my health as well, in addition to my family and my friends.

I am off to study a little more before bedtime, but wanted to touch base with the 'ole blog.

Which Napolean Dynamite Character Are you?

You are Trisha.


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
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God Bless The Broken Road

My sweetheart gave me the Rascal Flatts CD for my birthday and this amazing song is on it... Do you ever hear a song and the words are so identical to how you feel that it's as if you should have written it yourself? Well, this is such a song for me... The melody and harmonies are as beautiful as the lyrics...

Enjoy....


I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love
Along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
I wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

That every long lost dream
Led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have them back again
And give them all to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there and you understand
It's all part of a grander plan
That is coming true

That every long lost dream
Led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into you loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Now I keep rolling on into you loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you