On Motherhood

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Thanks, Crys

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother. Author Unknown

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.

The Empty Package

I am so very grateful for my friends who often know me better than myself, my friends that point out things that I might never see..

I was speaking with SOH today and trying to process some of this grief that I am dealing with over Wayne's loss. I loved something that she said. She said that my divorce was not like most people's divorces. Most people that get divorced have a happy period, they have the honeymoon, they have the time when everything is great for a while.. It's like someone who gets a gift that they unwrap, love the gift, enjoy it for a while, then lose it.

My situation is oh so different. I am the person who waits 8 years to open the big box they've been looking at forever. When they finally get to open it, they find it empty. They wasted all those years hoping and dreaming and wondering with blissful excitement. Then they have to deal with the grief of not only the empty dream, but the fact that all those years were wasted over longing for something that wasn't even there.

So, my grief today is deep. It goes much deeper than someone who passed away on Sunday. And I guess out of some respect for him, I've never spoken it fully. I never want to disrespect his memory (especially in such a medium as this), and would never want to disrespect his family and friends. I will never speak the horrible details here. But I will gently, kindly, speak my truth.

I have a sweet husband now. I have a great house and pets I love and wonderful friends. I am on the way to a new career that excites me. However, fifteen years after meeting Wayne, five years after the divorce, I still grieve over the empty marriage. And I guess there is a part of me that always will grieve. In many ways I have moved on, but in many ways, he has haunted me. I think the empty dream has haunted me. Maybe his loss will in some way set me free.

The Sham I Am

Parts of me have been a sham. This entire blog, even the title, was founded because I desired the truth. I am passionate about being real, about being one of integrity, about speaking the truth, of not beating around the bush.

But I have lived against this truth for years. I guess I can't say that some might not blame me. I guess some may say it's been a boundary; or maybe about protection. But for years I have been afraid of what would get back to my ex-husband. I didn't know who read this (or why I even assumed that anyone would care. Does this make me have a huge ego???), and didn't know what might get back to him. All the things that I wanted to be (brave, strong, happy, in love, etc.), those were things I wanted him to know about.. Not the things that were hard.

How stupid is this? How sad that THIS is my truth right now?? I don't know why JWP or anyone else of his friends would care about the fact that throughout the years I have been depressed, or lonely, or homesick, or longing for friends, or struggling spiritually, or infertile and now dealing with strange grief over him. It saddens me to even write those things. THESE things are my reality at times.. Why have I been so afraid to speak them?

MY TRUTH is that I am frail, and I am striving, and I am struggling. I am hungry for more and often disappointed, and sometimes have regrets. These are the truths that I have been unable to speak for fear that JWP would say "I told you so". My truth has been that my pride has gotten in the way.

Now that his loved ones have lost him, I guess that my truth can now be set free. How sad that I could not be brave enough to speak my truth, regardless of whether or not he was on this planet. Fifteen years later, he has still been affecting me...

God, help me to speak my truth, regardless. Help me to be brave and stay true to who I am and who made me to be.

How to deal?

So, how is one to deal with the death of their ex-spouse with whom they have a horrible history? Obviously we had 10 years of history. The marriage was horrible, traumatic, bitter, painful and brief. It ended so poorly. We hadn't spoken in years. Yet, that doesn't change the fact that he was a part of my life for TEN YEARS. We had a godchild, I loved his nieces, his family, we had lots of friends, and lots of great memories. We laughed, sang a lot together, and lived large.

I am sad for him for more reasons that I'll state in such a way. The whole thing is just sad, sad, sad.

Part of me feels like I have no right to grieve. His family and friends were still in his life. Isn't the grief reserved for them? Part of my grief is for them though. And part of it is for the things that never were...

Ten years is a long time for someone to be such a big part of your life. Although he's been gone from my life for years, there is a part of him that never left. There wasn't a week that went by that I didn't think of him or dream of him in a brief way. That type of history never leaves you, and never will.

I ache for his loved ones. I ache for truth never revealed; for secrets locked up; for solace not needed.

I found this quote that touched me so deeply..

May the Angels lead you into paradise; may the martyrs greet you at your arrival and lead you into the holy city, Jerusalem. May the choir of Angels greet you and like Lazarus, who once was a poor man, may you have eternal rest.
In Paradisum

Due to severe pain and history, it's been a long time that I've wanted good things for him. I have failed in that way. But when I read this, I was so touched. I truly wish all that for him. I pray that he does have eternal rest and peace.

Live hard, friends. Live deep. Live honestly, with truth, sincerity, integrity, and openness. Love each other deeply. Life can be gone before we know it.

Wayne's obituary

Joel Wayne Pierce, 38, died Sunday, October 14, 2007, at University Medical Center in Jackson. Visitation will be 1pm-3pm today with funeral services following at 3pm at First Baptist Church Hazlehurst with burial in Hazlehurst Cemetery. Stringer Family Funeral Services in Hazlehurst is handling arrangements.

Mr. Pierce was the Media Coordinator for Christ United Methodist Church in Jackson. Mr. Pierce was an ordained Baptist Minister. He was the former Copiah County Baptist Association Youth Coordinator, Music/Youth Director at Pilgrim's Rest Baptist Church, and Music Director at Gallman Baptist Church.

Mr. Pierce was preceded in death by his grandparents, Henry Casper Pierce, James Thigpen Pierce, Minnie Lee Boutwell and Louie Book.

He is survived by his parents, Maurice D. Pierce and Edna Lucille Book Pierce of Hazlehurst; sister, Laurice Pierce Kirk of Florence; and nieces, Madison Blair Kirk and Chloe Marie Kirk both of Florence.

In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to Mississippi Children's Home, P. O. Box 1078, Jackson, MS 39215.

Published in the Clarion Ledger on 10/16/2007.

The Latest

I imagine that all of my faithful readers have given up on me! I'm learning that my perfectionism plays a part in my blogging (or lack thereof). I wish that I wrote everyday, had all the latest always updated... Since I don't do that, then I don't do it at all! I think about writing all the time.. "I need to write about that.. I need to post that picture.." Then, of course, it never gets done..

Gentleness.. I'm having to constantly remind myself to be gentle towards myself..to be kind.. I think I treat everyone in the world better than I treat myself.. If I am anything short of Martha Stewart, Sister Teresa, Dr. Phil and John Bingham all rolled into one then I beat myself up for it. Kindness..patience... I'll get there one day.. And if I don't, that's ok too...

School is progressing along slowly but surely. I have been at this thing for 25 months now!! However, I am almost finished session 16 and there are 18 sessions... So, the end is in sight. The next session is cardio surgery... So it will be challenging for sure.. I have the BIGGEST case of senioritis! I'm so ready to be done.. It's easy to get lazy and not put my all into it. Although I'll be doing the same thing when I'm done, I'll be getting PAID for it!! And this living on one salary is getting OLD...

Well, speaking of school, I'd better get at it.. I'll try to do better about posting!! (but will be gracious towards myself if I don't!!) :o)

Ok, 1 more

Last one, I promise! This is a classic...

My favorite video

This is awesome. A trip down memory lane. Ok, that's enough videos for today!

Funny Panda

I didn't realize I could upload videos.. I'm going to be hooked now..

Shirley Q

I had forgotten about this until a friend sent me a link yesterday. Hope this doesn't offend anyone!

Happy birthday, sweet baby!

Welcome to our world!

I can't wait to meet you!

FlyLady wisdom for today

I have not posted in so long and have so many wonderful updates, but never make the time to write. (And I’m still not really going to… sheesh..) :O) I just wanted to share this.. I found this SO good this morning…The FlyLady deposited this into my e-mail inbox this morning. She is so wise…

Dear Friends,

There was a time not too long ago when hostages were being held in various parts of the world. There are probably people being held prisoner right now somewhere in the world. Please keep these folks in your thoughts and prayers. These innocent people are subjected to all types of torture.

We have all heard the horror stories about being deprived of food, water, and sleep as well as being bombarded by noise and physical and mental abuse. These poor prisoner's bodies are forced into survival mode by the stress of this situation. They begin to lose focus on what is real.

You are incensed that people would treat other human beings with this kind of disrespect. Did you know that you are one of those hostages? Your jail is PERFECTIONISM and your jailer is TIME! Yet when I tell you to take care of yourself you say, "I don't have time, there are too many other things that need to be done." So as a result you are taken hostage.

It all started many years ago: Since the day we were born we have been told that if you can't do it right; don't do it at all and the other side of this perfectionism coin told us that we were women and we could do it all and have it all. No wonder we thought we were superwoman.

Well superwoman, we're not! That didn't stop us from pushing ourselves to the physical limit. Our first little home had to be perfect; you know this attitude. We could pull it off when it was just us. Then add into the mix a new husband and his stuff. We still wanted to have the perfect home. But guess what we did it. Only a few
times did our perfectionism rear its ugly head and we put things off because we didn't have time.

Then we found out we were pregnant. During our pregnancy we were waited on hand and foot! This is when we first started losing sleep; some nights the heart burn and leg cramps kept us jumping up and down not to mention being uncomfortable in our own skin. At least we could nap if we got a chance and not feel guilty. This is also when we fixed up the nursery and let our perfectionism go into overdrive. The
rest of house fell into CHAOS, but it was OK because we were pregnant.

After the baby arrived we prided ourselves in being the perfect mother. Then reality happened: Night feedings and losing even more sleep; not to mention the hormones running amuck. Throw into the picture of this perfect little family a new mom not eating properly, drinking enough water and getting very little sleep. This perfect picture is no longer feeling perfect to this mom. So she starts beating herself up because every thing seems so much harder now. Now some new moms can continue to hold it together until the second or third babe comes along. Then things start to fall apart.

I believe that you can never catch up on lost sleep. Sleep refreshes your body and heals. If you have to drag yourself out of bed; your body has not gotten its "nap out" like my granny always said. A good judge is how many times you hit the snooze button in the morning. Your body is begging for sleep! Then add in not eating right or drinking water along with perfectionism pushing you into crash and burn fatigue. Your body shifts into survival mode; you are being held hostage. Imagine being pushed into a pond of ice cold water. We have heard about children falling through the ice and when their core body temperature is lowered their little body starts to shut down. This is what happens to us. Our bodies think we are about to starve to death; unessential functions for our survival are turned off. Our hair gets thin, we are cold all the time, we get sick because our immune system has been depleted by the stress, we gain weight even though we are not eating that much, we feel depressed and we are so tired that we can barely move. All the while we keep pushing ourselves instead of listening to our inner voice say something is wrong.

When we finally do go to the doctor we are looked at like we are nuts. Aren't you superwoman? Or they pat us on the hand and say there there; Bless your little heart; Take two of these each day and you will be fine.

So how do we get out of this perfectionism jail that time has imprisoned us in. The strange part is that there are several keys that unlock the door to your jail cell. Sometimes it takes a combination of keys; you just have to start turning them one at a time.

1. Start going to bed at a decent hour and getting the sleep that your body is craving.

2. Eat food that is good for you and eat smaller meals more often. This keeps your body from feeling attacked and in survival mode. Please drink your water!

3. Set up small routines to keep from being stressed out by daily life. Your routines put your home on automatic pilot. You don't have to think; it just gets done and your stress is relieved one babystep at a time.

4. Catch yourself pushing too hard with the perfectionism. Stop and tell yourself it is OK. Housework done incorrectly; still blesses my family.

5. Remember that you can do anything for 15 minutes and then you get to rest.

6. Don't allow yourself to be beaten up by those superwoman voices in your head.

7. Find a doctor that will not patronize you and will listen. Ask questions. Have them check all of your thyroid levels. Check your body temperature. You may be in survival mode and your body is protecting you.

You would not treat another person the way you treat yourself. This is why the golden rule is so important; Love your neighbor as yourself. You can't love anyone else until you love yourself.

I want you to find the peace that I have! It came from taking care of me and listening to my body. Are you ready to FLY out of this perfectionism jail that time has imprisoned you in?

FlyLady

Update on JBS

J wrote me several weeks ago to let me know that it wasn't cancer after all. Thanks to all who remembered him! What a blessing...

Perfection not needed

Striving for excellence motivates you;

striving for perfection is demoralizing.

Harriet Braiker

I LOVED this quote today; and desperately needed it just today, as I've been beating myself up for the past 20 minutes. I seem to strive for perfection; why, I have NO clue. But I realized (through the help of the FlyLady) that, many times, people who are "lazy" are actually perfectionists. At first I thought that was crazy, and then it made a heck of a lot of sense to me. It's like, "If I can't do it perfectly, then why try?".

Well, I know that I'm getting lots better. I know that I'm becoming more domestic every day. I know that I'm becoming a better wife every day. And the silly mistake that I made today? I haven't made it in a long time… So, as the old song says, "pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again"…

Be gracious towards yourselves, friends…And I will strive to do the same!

Quote

I received this quote via e-mail today and really like it…

Although the world is full of suffering,

it is also full of the overcoming of it.

Helen Keller

FINALLY!!!

I am SO glad that Sanjaya is GONE! For true American Idol fans, and those that are musicians, I'm sure you'd agree with me that Sanjaya has been a JOKE. It makes me wonder if some things are rigged on the show. He sure got lots of attention. I hate that he lasted longer than Gina. Personally, I loved her.

In memoriam

My husband called me at work today to tell me that there had been another shooting; the worst in history. No words can bring comfort to this school, the parents, the spouses, the friends, the roommates... My heart grieves with you all. May the Lord bring you peace, VA Tech.

Last day of tax season...and a tad weepy

You think I would be glad! But for some reason, I'm a tad melancholy today. I guess all change is difficult at times. Even the positive changes.

I checked out ancestory.com today and started researching my family tree. I came across these obituaries for my loved ones... I wanted to honor them by listing them here...

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James Dillard
Mauldin

James B. "Jim" Dillard, 67, husband of Mildred "Millie" Dillard, of 313 Poplar Lane, died Feb. 15, 2005.

Born in Carrollton, Ala., he was a son of the late Chester A. and Annie L. Adams Dillard.

Mr. Dillard was a graduate of Howard College (Sanford University), and worked in insurance sales. He was a member of Augusta Road Baptist Church for over 39 years, where he served as a Deacon, choir member, Sunday school teacher and Sunday school director.

Surviving, in addition to his wife, are his son and daughter-in-law, Brian Keith and Sharon Dillard of Michigan; his daughter and son-in-law, Alicia Beth and Mark Lippard of Denver, N.C.; his grandchildren, Mikaela, Rachel, Victoria, John, Haliny, and Derek McCord II, all of Suwanee, Ga., and Adam, Jordon and Noah Dillard, all of Birmingham, Mich., and Coley and Braxton James Lippard, both of Denver, N.C.; his brother and sister-in-law, Bruce and Kay Dillard of Greenville; and a sister-in-law, Delores Dillard of Pelham, Ala.

He was predeceased by a daughter, Bonnie Rebecca McCord; and a brother, Wayne Dillard.

Services will be Friday at 11 a.m. at Augusta Road Baptist Church, with the Rev. Chris Cadenhead and the Rev. Toni Pate officiating. Interment will follow in Graceland East Memorial Park.

The family will receive friends tonight from 6 to 8 p.m. at The Mackey Mortuary.

In lieu of flowers, those desiring may make memorials to the Adult Choir of Augusta Road Baptist Church, 1823 Augusta Road, Greenville, SC 29605.

The Mackey Mortuary, Century Drive.

Published in The Greenville News: 02-17-2005

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Bonnie D. McCord
Suwanee, Ga.

Bonnie D. McCord, 32, died Thurs., Sept. 14.

Daughter of James Borden Dillard and Mildred Hearn Dillard of Mauldin, she was a graduate of Berry College in Rome, Ga. She was to have entered the mission field later this month. She grew up singing in groups with her family and was a missionary in 1985 to the Philippines.

Survivors: parents; husband, Derek McCord; daughters, Mikaela Rebekah McCord, Rachel Hannah McCord, Victoria Grace McCord, all of Suwanee; brother, Brian (Sharon) Dillard of Detroit, Mich.; sister, Beth (Mark) Lippard, Charlotte, N. C.

Services: Noon Monday at Mount Paran Church of God - Central, with burial in Cheatham Hill Cemetery, Marietta, Ga. Visitation: 11 a.m. until time of service.

Memorials: Alaythia Ministries, 700 Rosebury Lane, Suwanee, Ga. 30024. -- L. W. McDonald & Son Funeral Home, Cumming, Ga.

Published in The Greenville News: 09-17-2000

A lesson learned

In my work over the past several months I have encountered two different people with the same disability of cerebral palsy. Both seemed to be pretty mild cases. Both were able to hold jobs. However, they were disabled. They were different. One was married, one was not (but informed me with a smile that he was looking).

Both of these gentleman had something in common besides their disability. They seemed to have deep joy. They were jolly, kind, funny. This has stuck with me over the weeks/months. So many of us complain about our circumstances, about the things we are currently facing. However, these gentlemen have something that cannot be changed, and they seemed genuinely happy.

One of these men was a cashier at a local store. I had forgotten my check book and had to run get it. Although it was close by, I realized I was inconveniencing him and apologized. He replied with "tell me when we have a real problem". I thought that was the neatest reply. I encounter so many people who are ungrateful, who complain at the smallest inconvenience (One man came to me to do his taxes. When he told me that he was filing joint, although his wife was not with him, I informed him that I would need his wife's signature before I could complete the return. He was mortified and stated that he'd always done it without her signature. I informed him that I did things the legal way, and that it was illegal and against policy for him to file without his wife's signature. He was so upset that he took his paperwork and left saying how inconvenient that was). How is it that these individuals with disabilities that I've encountered can be so kind, joyful, patient, without complaints, when they have to deal with the inconveniences of being different, being stared out, not being able to do some things that others can, etc...

I learned a lot from these gentlemen. Those of us without disabilities have much to be grateful for. I know that I take my health for granted. I pray that I will always remember these men and the lessons that they taught me.

Exciting things in our household!

My hubby and I have some very exciting things going on. I won't disclose all on here at this time, but will share a bit. We have a possible opportunity coming up that will allow me to become debt free AND possibly allow me to stay at home! Those of you that know me know that I SUCK as a housewife (although I've gotten lots better over the past few months; as they say, practice makes perfect!). Part of this is because I'm trying to manage working full-time, studying, cooking, cleaning house, yard upkeep, working out, and taking care of a hubby and a dog! Whew! That makes me tired just thinking about it! BUT if I'm able to stay home, that will make ALL the difference in the world. I can focus all my attentions on the house and on my schooling....

OH! And speaking of... My schooling has gotten lots better over the past months and my grades have improved dramatically. My most recent grade was a 98!! I got this email from my instructor today:

You did an EXCELLENT JOB on [your] test. Congratulations! Your GPA to date is 94% which is very good. Experience has shown that M-TEC premier grads with a GPA of 93% to 95% or above have few, if any, doors closed to them from employers on our [job boards]. Keep up the great work.

WOO HOO! Man it feels good to hear that. My first few tests in the course were 87 and 86 (with below 86 as failing!). So needless to say, this feels pretty darned good. I am almost 75% of the way finishing; BUT the last 6 sessions are the hardest in the course. I just hope I can keep my GPA up until the end. I had absolutely no clue how hard this course was going to be! But I am loving it and am anxious to begin my career.

I told my friend today, I sure hope it doesn't sound like I'm bragging, or boasting, but it is just a miracle to me that I've done this well. I emailed my instructor back and told her that I still pretty much feel like a "wannabe". So it's wild that I actually have a 94. This is actually a very high B. M-TEC has VERY high standards, which I guess they should since medical transcription involves people's medical data.

Anyway, I have digressed. Just wanted to say good things are on the horizon! Keep us in your thoughts/prayers. My hope/prayer is that all will work out as I think it will! I'll keep you all posted!

Good is good!

Please remember JBS

Many of you may remember my friend JBS, whom I was dating at the time of Hurricane Katrina. He lived two blocks from the beach in MS, lost everything, and lived with my folks and me for several months until he was able to get a FEMA trailer (there are posts regarding all this on my blog in the fall of '05). Although we aren't dating any longer, we have kept in touch some. Oddly enough, we both got married the same week.

I received an email from him a few days ago stating that his endocrinologist believes that he has a tumor on his pituitary gland. I feel so badly for him. As if losing everything in Katrina wasn't enough! I pray that the results of his test on Monday will show that is not cancerous. If it is, I pray that it will be able to be reduced/eliminated by treatment. I hope that if you are praying person that you'll pray the same with me.

I wish good things for him.

Thanks for your help in this.

Goodbye sweet Wilma

I've had my first experience in management in the past few months. I had one lovely employee to manage. On Saturday, April 7, she had a massive heart attack while driving home from work and died immediately. I found out Easter Sunday and cried half of the day. She was such a special lady. She was such a joy and made management SO easy for me! She was faithful, a hard worker, flexible, made me laugh, and was such a precious lady. She will be missed immensely.

Godspeed, sweet Wilma.

Flixter

Ok, so there is a part of me that is just like a 13-year-old girl. I have come across this Flixter site and LOVE it! I've become addicted. It's great mindless entertainment for me.

See side of screen for my favorite movies!

Very belated entry

Hello friends! This post is LONG overdue. My good friend (and my former most faithful reader; I'm sure she's long given up on me now!) once said that I really only posted when I was unhappy. So I guess these months of silence have been a good thing! It's amazing how much your priorities change when you get married! I don't have nearly as much free time on my hands as I used to!

My days have been very full with working full time, attempting to study full time, learning to be a good wife, learning how to be domestic when I TOTALLY stink at it! I think I'm getting better every day though.

I am loving TN but miss my family and friends a whole lot. It's really amazing how content I am; the only people in my life are my hubby and my sweet dog. I have made no friends yet, however I am strangely content! I know that SAM cannot meet all of my needs and that I will eventually need to meet some folks, but for now, life is great.

I will try to post more often if I can! Hopefully my readers haven't given up on me!

Much love to you all...

Traci M