I cannot express how grateful I am to everyone. "Coming out of the closet" was the best thing I could do. The support and love around me has me soaring. With so many people praying for me, I know that only good can happen! I feel so loved. I am blessed!
I am actually very calm today. I've been homebound due to my gastric preparations... Getting EVERYTHING all good and cleaned out!!! It has not been terribly bad considering that I've on a liquid diet for 10 days. I know is a whole lot of TMI (too much information)...BUT..most that go through this surgery process will learn that there are things you just have to talk about. People have questions and need to know what's going on. So forgive my forthrightness! The process has not been bad at all...the worst part is the Gatorade/Miralax cocktail. BLECH! Thank goodness it's almost all gone though :)
It's been a peaceful day.. The prep has been nice in the fact that I had to take the day off. You really can't do anything else. So I had everything done, more or less, by 12 noon and got to spend that time with mom...We watched the sweetest movie, Martian Child - definitely a chic flick, and both did some reading...I got some wonderful phone calls. So all in all, it's all good!
Someone said today that they knew I was scared, and I had to say that I honestly wasn't. Some of that may come tomorrow..But I have to be there so very early (5 AM!)..I think it all will happen very quickly. SOH was so very helpful in answering lots of questions for me today about the pain, about catheterization, compression boots/stockings, barium testing, lack of hunger (yee haa! let's pray for that!!)...So wonderful to have someone go before you that can answer those little things... Also, the wonderful WLS coordinator at the hospital sent me a detailed e-mail about what would happen step by step and that was such a blessing..Any fear I had initially was about the unknown. So knowing what to expect is so very helpful. Thank you Pat!
Well, a little more prepping to do...A little more packing.. I hope I will get some sleep but am sure that I will.. The surgeon has ok'd me taking some lovely Lunesta.. so that will absolutely be taken.
I guess that's all for now! I am so very, very, very grateful. Words cannot describe! I will post as I can...Blessings my dear friends!
My WLS Journey slideshow
30 July 2008
28 July 2008
Grace
I am really feeling so great today. I am excited. I am at peace. I am blessed with wonderful friends and family and great insurance. My body is 13 pounds lighter and is cleansed. It is so amazing the feeling you have after ridding your body of sugar and caffeine and who knows what else. The first few days were SO HARD but now I feel wonderful. I have gotten all my ducks in a row and all that I need to do is pick up mom tomorrow, necessary preparations for surgery on Wednesday, then my day is here! When I got my approval and surgery date, it was 31 days away and seemed like a lifetime. Now it seems like yesterday. Amazing how relative time can be.
It's gorgeous outside. Friends are checking on me. I paid a friend to clean my house today (Thanks Ruby!!).. I've got someone to take care of my dogs, the hospital bill is paid.. All that's lacking is packing!
You know, this surgery is a lot like grace. I did this to myself. I don't deserve help. But grace is being bestowed upon me. A second chance. A new life; that I don't deserve. Isn't that what grace is about? This is why I'm on cloud nine. This is why my life has radically changed already. Because I know that I'm being given a wonderful gift at a new life; one that I don't deserve. But I am grateful and I am thanking God. And I will not take it lightly. And I pray that every day I remember where I came from. ALWAYS remember the shackles that bound me. Always be compassionate to those who were where I once was. Be gentle. Be kind. Be patient. And learn to not treat food like the bad guy. And learn to calm the storms that may come. And never, never, never take this for granted.
It's gorgeous outside. Friends are checking on me. I paid a friend to clean my house today (Thanks Ruby!!).. I've got someone to take care of my dogs, the hospital bill is paid.. All that's lacking is packing!
You know, this surgery is a lot like grace. I did this to myself. I don't deserve help. But grace is being bestowed upon me. A second chance. A new life; that I don't deserve. Isn't that what grace is about? This is why I'm on cloud nine. This is why my life has radically changed already. Because I know that I'm being given a wonderful gift at a new life; one that I don't deserve. But I am grateful and I am thanking God. And I will not take it lightly. And I pray that every day I remember where I came from. ALWAYS remember the shackles that bound me. Always be compassionate to those who were where I once was. Be gentle. Be kind. Be patient. And learn to not treat food like the bad guy. And learn to calm the storms that may come. And never, never, never take this for granted.
27 July 2008
The Joys of Broth
I never in a million years thought that broth would be like a delicacy for me. But on this liquid diet, that's just what it has been. I can't explain it. But just the warmth and the flavor is just decadent for me. Anyone who may be on this WLS journey in one way or another, just a brief word of advice. Do not skimp when it comes to your broth! I have tried three different kinds. Rachel Ray's chicken stock was excellent. (I had to look up the difference between stock and broth and found it on the food network. "Chicken stock tends to be made more from bony parts, whereas chicken broth is made more out of meat. Chicken stock tends to have a fuller mouth feel and richer flavor, due to the gelatin released by long-simmering bones.") Swanson's chicken broth - awesome. Walmart's chicken broth? Not so much. So, this is one of those things where it does not benefit to skimp. (Hubby pointed out that probably the reason it tastes so good is because of the sodium. I know sodium is not good for you. But that's a whole other battle for another day!) Enjoy your broth!
26 July 2008
The benefits of a liquid diet
This is mainly for my benefit to remind myself of the good that is coming out of these difficult 10 days! Yes, it has been harder than I expected. Is it doable? Absolutely. The first few days were the absolute hardest. Yesterday was probably the best day. I feel good today, but hubby is working and I'm not very busy so I find myself craving food. I feel quite certain that this will be one of the hardest things I have ever undertaken.
But there are benefits of this small phase....
My spirit really is still at peace and I'm so excited about the changes to come. I am so grateful for my family and friends that have surrounded me with love and support and bathed me in prayer. I go into this surgery with my head held high, my expectations high for the life before me, and full confidence that I am going to do great.
I have the best friends.. Thank you all!!
But there are benefits of this small phase....
- It has taken my mind/anxiety off the surgery and allowed me to focus on the now.
- I dropped 11 pounds in 4 days! Losing weight before the surgery is always a benefit. I haven't lost in the past day or two, but maybe I'll drop a few more before the big day.
- My body feels clean and purged.
- No need to plan, shop, cook, other than buying what I needed beforehand for the liquid diet. (WARNING! I do NOT recommend shopping in a grocery store while you are on the liquid diet. They say not to grocery shop when you are hungry.. HELLO?? Grocery shopping when you hadn't eaten in DAYS?? Not fun.. Trust me.)
- This should have been first on my list; my liver will shrink and allow the surgeon to have the best possible access to my organs.
- It really is a good transition between eating like a big girl and eating like a WLS patient. A friend today said it was probably a good thing I'm doing it so that my stomach won't go into shock!
- It reminds me of the dedication needed toward this surgery. If you can't make it through a 10-day liquid diet, how can you make it for an entire lifetime of restriction?
- People feel sorry for me.
My spirit really is still at peace and I'm so excited about the changes to come. I am so grateful for my family and friends that have surrounded me with love and support and bathed me in prayer. I go into this surgery with my head held high, my expectations high for the life before me, and full confidence that I am going to do great.
I have the best friends.. Thank you all!!
25 July 2008
On caffeine, mornings, health, and wise choices
My sweet new puppy has changed my life by helping me get on a schedule and a structure. As I used to stay up until all hours of the night and then sleep until late in the morning, now I'm on a somewhat normal schedule, if you will. I still hate mornings though and will probably always be a night person. I wake up so tired. I used to drink 3 or 4 cups of coffee in the morning. There are different teachings by surgeons regarding caffeine, but mine says no caffeine and no carbonated beverages after surgery. I have started weaning myself off of coffee by drinking a Coke Zero every morning when I wake up. Not quite the jolt of coffee, but is all I got for now.
As I sat down this morning to begin working and was sipping my Coke Zero, I thought to myself, you know, my body probably needs an Atkins shake right now with protein in it rather than this nutritionless soft drink. Then the other part of me said, but this is what I want, this tastes so much better, this is more enjoyable for me, and makes me feel better.
That was a huge light bulb moment for me. Isn't that how I got in this position? By giving my body what it wants rather than what it needs? In so many ways we have to learn to parent ourselves. We would teach children that they need nutrition rather than junk. But how do we treat ourselves?
This responsibility sucks! But I realized that I only think the caffeine will make me feel better. Oh it may, but only for a moment, not longlasting change. If I focus on my health, and on making wise choices, then I WILL feel better period. And it will be longlasting. The health and good feelings won't come from a can. They will just BE. And they will stay with me.
God, help me to take good care of this body you've given me and feed it in a way that is for health and performance.
As I sat down this morning to begin working and was sipping my Coke Zero, I thought to myself, you know, my body probably needs an Atkins shake right now with protein in it rather than this nutritionless soft drink. Then the other part of me said, but this is what I want, this tastes so much better, this is more enjoyable for me, and makes me feel better.
That was a huge light bulb moment for me. Isn't that how I got in this position? By giving my body what it wants rather than what it needs? In so many ways we have to learn to parent ourselves. We would teach children that they need nutrition rather than junk. But how do we treat ourselves?
This responsibility sucks! But I realized that I only think the caffeine will make me feel better. Oh it may, but only for a moment, not longlasting change. If I focus on my health, and on making wise choices, then I WILL feel better period. And it will be longlasting. The health and good feelings won't come from a can. They will just BE. And they will stay with me.
God, help me to take good care of this body you've given me and feed it in a way that is for health and performance.
24 July 2008
Dirty Laundry
I figure since I'm airing all my dirty laundry, why not go all the way :).. As SOH says, everything is feast or famine with me.. HA! Literally! I missed that unintended pun. If you missed that, never mind. :)
So, I've decided to start journaling what I'm eating online. Mainly just 'cause I don't want to add up my protein each day! And, I can just repeat my most common eaten items :)
So, just in case anyone is curious what a 10-day liquid diet in prep for WLS looks like, here you go. http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=tracimyrick Keep in mind that all surgeons standard op is different. Pretty much no two surgeons are going to be the same.
I'm feeling very, very weak these days and almost panicked about it. Obviously being over 250 pounds and surviving on 400-600 calories would surely make one weak. I just didn't realize just how weak I would be. I can barely walk down to the mailbox without having to rest. My heart races with any activity. It's almost scary. But I called the surgeon's office today and they did not seem to be worried. I honestly think I haven't been drinking ENOUGH.. I think I'm just so dang tired of having to potty all day long! But when it's my health we're talking about, I gotta get better. My goal is 64 ounces of fluid a day and at least 50 mg of protein.
Also, I was taking my vitamins and I was told by a friend who is also soon to have the surgery that vitamins are a no-no right now because of all the vitamins in the shakes. Her potassium was way too high. Again, every person is different and all docs are different. My surgeon didn't tell me one way or another about the vitamins. So, I presume there is no harm in stopping them just in case. Supplements are a HUGE part of this process afterwards, so I was just trying to get ahead of the game..
Pretty much all I want to do is work, read and sleep. I have been out of the house some, but it's really, really hard for me to move about because of my weakness. This is a caution for anyone who does the liquid diet to limit your activities (my personal humble opinion.) I had hoped to work out every day to drop weight before the surgery! HA!! Thank God I work from home. I don't know what I would do if I had to be really active during this 10-day period.
As I've mentioned before, though, I'm learning to be kind to myself. Some may wonder what that means. When I feel tired, I rest. When I need a break, I take a break. Listening to what your body says is SO important. I do believe that it tells us what we need.
Ok, I'm on to a beverage of some sort, then reading and then bed. I don't think I have gone to bed before daylight since I was 10 years old. But I sure am doing it these days!
So, I've decided to start journaling what I'm eating online. Mainly just 'cause I don't want to add up my protein each day! And, I can just repeat my most common eaten items :)
So, just in case anyone is curious what a 10-day liquid diet in prep for WLS looks like, here you go. http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=tracimyrick Keep in mind that all surgeons standard op is different. Pretty much no two surgeons are going to be the same.
I'm feeling very, very weak these days and almost panicked about it. Obviously being over 250 pounds and surviving on 400-600 calories would surely make one weak. I just didn't realize just how weak I would be. I can barely walk down to the mailbox without having to rest. My heart races with any activity. It's almost scary. But I called the surgeon's office today and they did not seem to be worried. I honestly think I haven't been drinking ENOUGH.. I think I'm just so dang tired of having to potty all day long! But when it's my health we're talking about, I gotta get better. My goal is 64 ounces of fluid a day and at least 50 mg of protein.
Also, I was taking my vitamins and I was told by a friend who is also soon to have the surgery that vitamins are a no-no right now because of all the vitamins in the shakes. Her potassium was way too high. Again, every person is different and all docs are different. My surgeon didn't tell me one way or another about the vitamins. So, I presume there is no harm in stopping them just in case. Supplements are a HUGE part of this process afterwards, so I was just trying to get ahead of the game..
Pretty much all I want to do is work, read and sleep. I have been out of the house some, but it's really, really hard for me to move about because of my weakness. This is a caution for anyone who does the liquid diet to limit your activities (my personal humble opinion.) I had hoped to work out every day to drop weight before the surgery! HA!! Thank God I work from home. I don't know what I would do if I had to be really active during this 10-day period.
As I've mentioned before, though, I'm learning to be kind to myself. Some may wonder what that means. When I feel tired, I rest. When I need a break, I take a break. Listening to what your body says is SO important. I do believe that it tells us what we need.
Ok, I'm on to a beverage of some sort, then reading and then bed. I don't think I have gone to bed before daylight since I was 10 years old. But I sure am doing it these days!
22 July 2008
A Little Education
Just a brief post in case any of you are wondering, and also to remind myself of some very important truths (as my stomach is growling away.) Some may wonder why the liquid diet is so hard for me or why I'm complaining when my eating habits are about to change in a huge way. Immediately after surgery I will be consuming tiny, tiny amounts of liquid...like an ounce at at time. The difference is that my anatomy will be different. My tiny stomach will not be able to handle more than an ounce. Right now, I still have the same giganterous belly (I'm sure that's not a real word. But it sounds fun.) :) Thus, the struggle.
The amazing thing is that I've asked for support and I've gotten it. My spirit is soaring and I feel ready and lifted up. I'm at peace and feel blessed. I just have a very hungry belly and a very weak body :)... But this too shall pass...
I'm spending my time just being kind to myself. Every hour is different. I tried to nap yesterday but after getting up three times to pee, I figured that was pointless. I have a hard time really focusing on anything, so I don't think TV or movies are going to work. I did work some yesterday and hope to work a good bit today. Housecleaning helps, actually! What a concept! I spent time straightening up yesterday and working on laundry and that helped me to focus I think.
I did prepare dinner for hubby last night after he had worked a 14-hour day and I think he was really surprised at that. But I am learning the importance of service and meeting the needs of my hubby even when it's hard...
The amazing thing is that I've asked for support and I've gotten it. My spirit is soaring and I feel ready and lifted up. I'm at peace and feel blessed. I just have a very hungry belly and a very weak body :)... But this too shall pass...
I'm spending my time just being kind to myself. Every hour is different. I tried to nap yesterday but after getting up three times to pee, I figured that was pointless. I have a hard time really focusing on anything, so I don't think TV or movies are going to work. I did work some yesterday and hope to work a good bit today. Housecleaning helps, actually! What a concept! I spent time straightening up yesterday and working on laundry and that helped me to focus I think.
I did prepare dinner for hubby last night after he had worked a 14-hour day and I think he was really surprised at that. But I am learning the importance of service and meeting the needs of my hubby even when it's hard...
21 July 2008
I overestimated myself!!
Ok, I admit it. I'm a crazy woman... Looking forward to the liquid diet so I can "focus?" What kind of insanity is that??! I should be able to do fine because I've done extended fasts before?!! What the heck was I thinking?!?! I'm usually one to take on a challenge, but when it comes down to it, I'm a big whiney baby...Pardon me while I go eat the paint off the walls.. :)
In all seriousness, I'm drained, have a headache, am starving and am in a foul mood, but my spirit is blessed and at peace. All is well. I know this is a very good thing and is only to have a healthier surgery, and of course I want that...
I just wanted to whine for a bit...Oh...hm... wine!!! Just kidding... That's not on the liquid diet.. Ok, now on to my yogurt or broth or protein water or something... :)
Thanks to each and every one of my supporters.. You all ROCK!!
In all seriousness, I'm drained, have a headache, am starving and am in a foul mood, but my spirit is blessed and at peace. All is well. I know this is a very good thing and is only to have a healthier surgery, and of course I want that...
I just wanted to whine for a bit...Oh...hm... wine!!! Just kidding... That's not on the liquid diet.. Ok, now on to my yogurt or broth or protein water or something... :)
Thanks to each and every one of my supporters.. You all ROCK!!
20 July 2008
The Last Day of Feasting
I'm such at a different place than I thought I might be in. My day today is going to be full of getting my house in order, literally and figuratively. I've been working on the internal stuff. Today I want to get organized and purge the kitchen of stuff no longer needed, get everything good and clean, and then tomorrow the race is on...And my energies can be devoted to that. My poor hubby, after working four 12-day shifts in a row, is plum worn out and felt like he needed to work because I was in work mode. But Lord knows there are plenty of times he's working while I'm doing nothing but sitting on my assets... :) So, he is resting and I am working. And it feels good!
I already have tons more energy. It's so amazing to note how much a change in mental energy can affect your whole world. There is peace in my home, in my marriage. I feel confident and capable. I think sweet sis was right in saying that I had just surrendered. I think I surrendered to life in general. EVERYTHING was too hard for me. So I just gave up. I was simply existing. So sad to see it in black and white...But I'm so grateful for this revelation.
Now, I absolutely know that WLS is not going to solve my problems. I know that there are things that I may have blamed on the weight and when the weight is gone, those things will still be there. I know life will not be perfect. I know that the change in me might be hard for some. I know that I'll have to offer grace to myself and many around me. There are many, many issues in life to address and work on... But, SOH reminded me of this quote from Forrest Gump...
[Forrest Gump referring to Apple Computer] "Lieutenant Dan got me invested in some kind of fruit company. So then I got a call from him, saying we don't have to worry about money no more. And I said, that's good! One less thing."
Losing half of me, literally, is just "one less thing" to worry about about. And it's a big, big thing.
You know, it's so exciting to be facing a difficult situation and KNOW the outcome ahead of time. I don't know where I will be in 2 years, or in 5 years, or in 10 or 20 years... But I know that if the Lord sees me through this surgery and through my recovery and allows me to live to actually get healthy, I know that I will lose a good part of my excess weight. I don't know how low I'll get or how low I WANT to get... As my favorite WLS author thus far has written, "I will know it when I get there." (Pat Peck in Exodus from Obesity) I know I don't want to be a stick figure. I know that I think curves are healthy and beautiful and something to celebrate about being a woman. It's been so long since I was "thin" that I have no clue how much I would like to weigh. But again, I will know when I get there. No diet in the world can guarantee success. There is not enough willpower, discipline, whatever... to attempt to lose 130-140 pounds and know for absolute sure that a majority of it will come off... It is just impossible. That is totally setting yourself up for failure and disappointment, and I am totally convinced that it cannot be done. I'm not saying that weight loss cannot be achieved. And maybe I'm being way too absolute about what I'm saying. I've just come to the point where I've realized there is NO OTHER WAY for this to be done and have the same miraculous results. As Peck says, and I agree, to the morbidly obese, you really only have two options... Obesity or surgery. I think it's that plain and simple.
I have been blessed to be spared health problems. By God's grace I don't have high blood pressure or diabetes or sleep apnea or high cholesterol. I've been plagued with things like low-back pain, and knee pain, and migraines, and depression, and insomnia, infertility...all that could be a result of obesity.. But if I don't nip this in the bud NOW, it's just a matter of time before all that stuff does happen...I want a LIFE... I want to live and experience life. I have lived years and years behind closed doors more or less.. Not as extreme as an agoraphobic or anything, but I haven't been LIVING...I have been EXISTING... And now I know that I will have no excuse but to get out and run and jump and LIVE...
Pat Peck says in her book that after her surgery she started walking with a friend and they would walk and walk and walk and talk for hours upon hours. One day he said, "why do you go on these 15-mile walks with me?"....and she responded with "because I can!"... I LOVE, love, love that... there are so many things I have not been able to do.. Now I will have no excuse. And there is no need to be sedentary and trapped inside my home and lonely and scared with every single thing being hard for me. There is absolutely no need...
Today is a day of feasting for me. And not a day of binging. I've done my share of that. Binging is done in private with guilt and shame and remorse and punishment and desperateness. Feasting is about celebration and gathering with those you love and honoring each other; rejoicing in life, in love, in friendship, in what God has done and in what he's going to do. So today, I feast.
I ate a bagel with cream cheese and a cold coke on ice this morning. I ate those things and savored every bite and enjoyed it. I was flooded with memories of SOH introducing me to bagels with cream cheese when we were teenagers and teaching me that nothing was a good as a cold coke on ice (try it if you never have... a warm canned coke over ice is nothing like a can that's been in the fridge and THEN put over ice!!)....(if you want to know what is good, ask the fat girl...TRUST me..she knows!!!) :) There are memories associated with food, with feasting, with celebrating. And that is a good thing.
There is much work to be done in my mind regarding food and my relationship with it. Food is not the enemy. It's not wrong to love food and celebrate it, celebrate with it. God was so good to give us taste buds. You know if we didn't have them, we wouldn't know the difference? We wouldn't eat and say, I wish I knew what this tasted like...Because we'd never known anything else... So truly God wanted us to enjoy food and take pleasure in it. But like most anything, it can be thwarted and abused. Which is what I have done, for sure, most of my life...
So, my solace will come from elsewhere, and it will NOT be easy. Of this I am aware... But for today, I celebrate, and I feast. I honor the little fat girl who didn't know anything different, who did what worked for her...I celebrate who she was and I celebrate all that is to come. Tomorrow begins the shedding of skin...(If only that skin could literally be shed...I know my postop friends will understand...I surely don't yet!!)
Ok, my brain officially hurts now... On to purge the kitchen!!!
Blessings, my dear friends...I appreciate you keeping me in your thoughts and prayers...And please let me know how I can support you.
I already have tons more energy. It's so amazing to note how much a change in mental energy can affect your whole world. There is peace in my home, in my marriage. I feel confident and capable. I think sweet sis was right in saying that I had just surrendered. I think I surrendered to life in general. EVERYTHING was too hard for me. So I just gave up. I was simply existing. So sad to see it in black and white...But I'm so grateful for this revelation.
Now, I absolutely know that WLS is not going to solve my problems. I know that there are things that I may have blamed on the weight and when the weight is gone, those things will still be there. I know life will not be perfect. I know that the change in me might be hard for some. I know that I'll have to offer grace to myself and many around me. There are many, many issues in life to address and work on... But, SOH reminded me of this quote from Forrest Gump...
[Forrest Gump referring to Apple Computer] "Lieutenant Dan got me invested in some kind of fruit company. So then I got a call from him, saying we don't have to worry about money no more. And I said, that's good! One less thing."
Losing half of me, literally, is just "one less thing" to worry about about. And it's a big, big thing.
You know, it's so exciting to be facing a difficult situation and KNOW the outcome ahead of time. I don't know where I will be in 2 years, or in 5 years, or in 10 or 20 years... But I know that if the Lord sees me through this surgery and through my recovery and allows me to live to actually get healthy, I know that I will lose a good part of my excess weight. I don't know how low I'll get or how low I WANT to get... As my favorite WLS author thus far has written, "I will know it when I get there." (Pat Peck in Exodus from Obesity) I know I don't want to be a stick figure. I know that I think curves are healthy and beautiful and something to celebrate about being a woman. It's been so long since I was "thin" that I have no clue how much I would like to weigh. But again, I will know when I get there. No diet in the world can guarantee success. There is not enough willpower, discipline, whatever... to attempt to lose 130-140 pounds and know for absolute sure that a majority of it will come off... It is just impossible. That is totally setting yourself up for failure and disappointment, and I am totally convinced that it cannot be done. I'm not saying that weight loss cannot be achieved. And maybe I'm being way too absolute about what I'm saying. I've just come to the point where I've realized there is NO OTHER WAY for this to be done and have the same miraculous results. As Peck says, and I agree, to the morbidly obese, you really only have two options... Obesity or surgery. I think it's that plain and simple.
I have been blessed to be spared health problems. By God's grace I don't have high blood pressure or diabetes or sleep apnea or high cholesterol. I've been plagued with things like low-back pain, and knee pain, and migraines, and depression, and insomnia, infertility...all that could be a result of obesity.. But if I don't nip this in the bud NOW, it's just a matter of time before all that stuff does happen...I want a LIFE... I want to live and experience life. I have lived years and years behind closed doors more or less.. Not as extreme as an agoraphobic or anything, but I haven't been LIVING...I have been EXISTING... And now I know that I will have no excuse but to get out and run and jump and LIVE...
Pat Peck says in her book that after her surgery she started walking with a friend and they would walk and walk and walk and talk for hours upon hours. One day he said, "why do you go on these 15-mile walks with me?"....and she responded with "because I can!"... I LOVE, love, love that... there are so many things I have not been able to do.. Now I will have no excuse. And there is no need to be sedentary and trapped inside my home and lonely and scared with every single thing being hard for me. There is absolutely no need...
Today is a day of feasting for me. And not a day of binging. I've done my share of that. Binging is done in private with guilt and shame and remorse and punishment and desperateness. Feasting is about celebration and gathering with those you love and honoring each other; rejoicing in life, in love, in friendship, in what God has done and in what he's going to do. So today, I feast.
I ate a bagel with cream cheese and a cold coke on ice this morning. I ate those things and savored every bite and enjoyed it. I was flooded with memories of SOH introducing me to bagels with cream cheese when we were teenagers and teaching me that nothing was a good as a cold coke on ice (try it if you never have... a warm canned coke over ice is nothing like a can that's been in the fridge and THEN put over ice!!)....(if you want to know what is good, ask the fat girl...TRUST me..she knows!!!) :) There are memories associated with food, with feasting, with celebrating. And that is a good thing.
There is much work to be done in my mind regarding food and my relationship with it. Food is not the enemy. It's not wrong to love food and celebrate it, celebrate with it. God was so good to give us taste buds. You know if we didn't have them, we wouldn't know the difference? We wouldn't eat and say, I wish I knew what this tasted like...Because we'd never known anything else... So truly God wanted us to enjoy food and take pleasure in it. But like most anything, it can be thwarted and abused. Which is what I have done, for sure, most of my life...
So, my solace will come from elsewhere, and it will NOT be easy. Of this I am aware... But for today, I celebrate, and I feast. I honor the little fat girl who didn't know anything different, who did what worked for her...I celebrate who she was and I celebrate all that is to come. Tomorrow begins the shedding of skin...(If only that skin could literally be shed...I know my postop friends will understand...I surely don't yet!!)
Ok, my brain officially hurts now... On to purge the kitchen!!!
Blessings, my dear friends...I appreciate you keeping me in your thoughts and prayers...And please let me know how I can support you.
19 July 2008
Truth Overload
I am learning and growing so much every day that I don't even have enough time to write it all down! Such amazing stuff is happening, and I haven't even had the surgery yet. I think as I learn things I'm going to just have to write them in bullet form... There's not enough time in my day to expand on it all!Just to summarize what's been going on, and then I'll share all of my enlightenment.. :) Tomorrow is my last day to eat as a "fat person"... I was saying "eat like a normal person," then I realized that if I ate normally I would not be in this predicadament! At first, it felt like I was trying to cram every good thing down for fear I would never have it again. The truth is that many WLS patients can eat anything they want months down the road, just in small portions. But that is not the case with everyone. I've heard of one person that cannot tolerate beef any longer, someone else that can't eat chicken, and someone else that ate one Tootsie Roll and was on the floor vomiting for many hours. So, all bodies are different, and only God knows how mine will respond. So every bagel, every glass of cold Cola-Cola on ice, every piece of pizza, every brownie, might just be the last.. And I've got to be prepared for that and be ok with that. At first there was sorrow...And to people without food issues, I'm sure that will be hard to understand. Food has been a primary comfort for me for a long, long, long time. It's time to let that go. Now, surgery will not cure THAT disease.. that's in the head and heart and mind and might very well take the rest of my life to "cure"...if it's ever cured at all...But the actual indulgence must stop, and I realize that, and know that this is the time.
As I said, so many amazing things are happening..I am so grateful to God for revealing so many truths for me...for guiding me into truth...These amazing thoughts come to me at random times during the day, and I am truly blown away at times...thus the Truth Overload title...
I've pondered on all I'm letting go of, and all that is in store for me to gain. People that have not lived an obese lifestyle will never understand. It's so easy to refer to fat people as lazy or undisciplined or unwilling to work and try. It's so easy to say that WLS is the easy way out. I have feared telling everyone about my upcoming changes for fear of being judged. But I am becoming more and more passionate about sharing my truth, the truth of this surgery, the hope that is now in my heart that has been squelched for years and years and years. There is such a preconceived notion and double standard and judgment in our country about those that are obese. As I think of it, it infuriates me how this country sets people up... Our society tends to be lazy as a whole, living in this fast food, microwave, give-it-to-me-now culture. Yet our models are size 0 and anorexic and we judge those who are obese. But the truth is that until you have walked in a fat chic's shoes you cannot judge her.
Anyway, I'm starting to preach I guess, and that is not my intent. I often learn and think as I write...So I guess blogging is partly, or mainly, for my benefit. And if others can learn or be enlightened too, then excellent!!
Now, why did I start that sermon..oh yeah...I was thinking about how much things will change in the next few days as I start my liquid diet. Some feel sorry for me for having to do it, but I am almost excited. Sure, I know it will be hard. I know I'll miss the crunch of food, or the chewing process. But in many ways, it's like I've arrived. All these years and years of obesity will soon end, and it begins with Monday. My doctor has ordered this, so I will do it. No one would question the cancer patient having chemo... it's just part of the treatment... And this is mine. It will shrink my liver so the surgery will go smoothly and so they can access my organs better. It will cause me to drop some weight before-hand so I'll be even healthier to undergo surgery. Maybe it will help me recover faster. But it's good for my mind most of all, I think. Because I'm saying "OK! this is it! the race has started...the journey has begun..fasten your seat belts!!!" It will help me to truly focus I believe...
Speaking of focus, some Christians fast on a regular basis. It's a very humbling ritual. I actually did this for two weeks during my first marriage. It's a way of saying God, I'm broken and I'm humble and I'm desperate and I don't know how else to tell you but this but to empty myself of all I am and plead for you to hear me... I confess my two-week fast not to declare some sort of righteousness, cause LORD KNOWS that ain't true!!! I'm just realizing that there is a connection here. I'm seeing this liquid diet in sort of the same way; a way to cleanse my body and my mind and get ready for the journey that is ahead of me...To become focused and diligent and vigilant... This is going to be THE HARDEST thing I've probably ever done....so mental vigilance will certainly be needed.
Support will also be needed, which is another reason for the blog and another reason I'm thinking of being more honest about all this. I know each person has to do what is best for them. I've heard some WLS patients say that they tell everyone they meet that they've had surgery and other people that don't tell anyone. I know people work it they way they have to. I'm just starting to think about maybe being more open about it (as if posting something on a global website isn't open)....Ha..I crack myself up.
Ok...here are a few bullet truths...Then I've got to let my brain rest...It hurts and is so weary from thinking so much!
- I cried to hubby last night as I was having my first melt-down and told him that this was the hardest thing I've ever done. He replied with, "yes, but it's going to be fun!"...And I realized how true that was. There are so many fun things that are yet to come..
- As I was pouring my coffee this morning (which I am trying to wean myself off of) and thinking how few cups I had less in my near future I realized that I was thinking more positively. I wasn't mourning of what I was letting go of. I, instead, had this amazing thought... I'm not letting go of anything.. I'm trading one thing for something else.. I'm trading that pizza and french toast and cold coke on ice and chocolate for being able to rock climb with my sister, and hike with my brother, and canoe with my husband, and shop in normal stores...The list can go on and on.. And it will...I plan to make a list of all I want to do that I've never been able to..or not in years and years anyway...So if ever I miss food, I can see all that I'm trading it for. I know that my "thin list" will be much weightier than my fat list.. Ironic huh?
- I'm noticing things being different around me already. But yet nothing around me has changed. So what has changed? That would be me...Amazing how much a way of thinking can change your life huh?
- In talking to my sweet sis, I realized how very much this obesity has affected my life. I never really knew. I think I had just gotten so used to it. Obesity had beaten me. I surrendered. I gave up. I accepted that this was how life was. It was better than the alternative: Diet after diet, failure, disappointment, etc. I've been in this state so long that I didn't even know how much it had affected me. I think my mind will continue to be blown as I shed this old me and as I discover the person that's been hiding in this obese body.
- Also in talking to sweet sis, I realized through her insight that this surgery has given me hope, and that is what has set me free. Now that I don't have to worry about being obese, my mind is freed for tackling other problems. Which is funny as I write that, because I never knew my mind was worried about being obese. I think I was just overall overwhelmed about my entire life in general. I didn't know where to start, so I really didn't tackle anything.
Ok, I could post more bullets, but my brain hurts. My house is a wreck, I don't think my hubby has a clue why my mind is going at the speed its going, I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but my heart is sure at peace. I feel liberated and excited about all that is yet to come. Fasten your seatbelts folks...We're in for a ride!!
Photo by Sandra Woods17 July 2008
Being still
I have had such a delightful morning. This book I'm reading has really started a neat process.
I've had this anxiety for a couple of days or so, maybe a week... I realized that when I was reading about the surgery, journaling, talking about it, that I wasn't feeling anxious. My old critical, judgmental self says "don't be anxious! The Bible says be anxious for nothing!!..." But that doesn't change the fact that I AM anxious. That it's real. I realized this morning that the achy, naggy feeling is like a newborn baby or my new puppy. It's crying because it needs something. Saying "don't be anxious. The Bible says be anxious for nothing" is like telling the baby/puppy not to cry cause the mama said not do. There is a need that needs to be met. Saying "don't do it, don't feel it" doesn't make the need go away.
I realized that the anxiety is my "spirit" saying it needs something. (Spirit and spirit are two things that I want to write about/address at some point later...)
The perfectionist part of me was longing for a place to go and be quiet, a retreat, a place to think, journal, pray, read, whatever... I wanted the "perfect" place. This morning I took my coffee my journal and went out on my front porch, propped my feet up and was still. The Bible says to be still and know that he is God...but it doesn't say what being still means. I guess knowing the original language would help..(where's John Allen when I need him).. I presume being still can mean lots of things. This morning I left my "world" behind, sat on my porch with the incredible sounds of nature around me (albeit sounds of occasional traffic and gunshots from the National Forrest firing range across the street..thus the "lack of perfection" for my retreat), and met with my spirit. And guess what..the anxiety went away. The Spirit/spirit debate is what trips me up and what makes me worry what my readers may think (why do I worry about that?!?!).. Is meeting with my spirit and meeting with God the same thing? The new agers would say yes..the fundamentalist Christians would say no..
Regardless, I had a very powerful, positive time and learned a lot. God is truth. God is honest. God is all about confronting things head on. So I don't see why he couldn't have moved in me this morning without a sermon, Scripture, getting on my knees, a traditional devotional book, whatever. If God spoke through a rock and a donkey I guess he can speak anyway he chooses.
I have no need to be anxious. God is doing a work and I know that it's not time for my life to be over. I know that it is just beginning. I know that two weeks from today I will be born again again :) No disrespect meant by that at all.. It will be a rebirth, a new start, the beginning of many, many new things. Changes will take place in my body. But changes are beginning already in my mind and in my spirit.
I am blessed and I am grateful. God is up to something good. I am excited. I am expectant. And I will strive to be still whenever needed, in whatever imperfect place it might occur, to get to know myself more, to be honest and truthful with myself and with God, and to experience change.
I've had this anxiety for a couple of days or so, maybe a week... I realized that when I was reading about the surgery, journaling, talking about it, that I wasn't feeling anxious. My old critical, judgmental self says "don't be anxious! The Bible says be anxious for nothing!!..." But that doesn't change the fact that I AM anxious. That it's real. I realized this morning that the achy, naggy feeling is like a newborn baby or my new puppy. It's crying because it needs something. Saying "don't be anxious. The Bible says be anxious for nothing" is like telling the baby/puppy not to cry cause the mama said not do. There is a need that needs to be met. Saying "don't do it, don't feel it" doesn't make the need go away.
I realized that the anxiety is my "spirit" saying it needs something. (Spirit and spirit are two things that I want to write about/address at some point later...)
The perfectionist part of me was longing for a place to go and be quiet, a retreat, a place to think, journal, pray, read, whatever... I wanted the "perfect" place. This morning I took my coffee my journal and went out on my front porch, propped my feet up and was still. The Bible says to be still and know that he is God...but it doesn't say what being still means. I guess knowing the original language would help..(where's John Allen when I need him).. I presume being still can mean lots of things. This morning I left my "world" behind, sat on my porch with the incredible sounds of nature around me (albeit sounds of occasional traffic and gunshots from the National Forrest firing range across the street..thus the "lack of perfection" for my retreat), and met with my spirit. And guess what..the anxiety went away. The Spirit/spirit debate is what trips me up and what makes me worry what my readers may think (why do I worry about that?!?!).. Is meeting with my spirit and meeting with God the same thing? The new agers would say yes..the fundamentalist Christians would say no..
Regardless, I had a very powerful, positive time and learned a lot. God is truth. God is honest. God is all about confronting things head on. So I don't see why he couldn't have moved in me this morning without a sermon, Scripture, getting on my knees, a traditional devotional book, whatever. If God spoke through a rock and a donkey I guess he can speak anyway he chooses.
I have no need to be anxious. God is doing a work and I know that it's not time for my life to be over. I know that it is just beginning. I know that two weeks from today I will be born again again :) No disrespect meant by that at all.. It will be a rebirth, a new start, the beginning of many, many new things. Changes will take place in my body. But changes are beginning already in my mind and in my spirit.
I am blessed and I am grateful. God is up to something good. I am excited. I am expectant. And I will strive to be still whenever needed, in whatever imperfect place it might occur, to get to know myself more, to be honest and truthful with myself and with God, and to experience change.
16 July 2008
Coming out of the closet...
No, not THAT closet... :) I have something that I do want to reveal though that I've been hiding. Not necessarily hiding, because there are many that know. But usually my life is an open book, and this has not been revealed in such a way.
My "secret" is somewhat controversial and may come with judgements..so this is why I haven't shouted it to the world. But then I realized that goes against everything I'm about. Now, I will be the first to admit that I do need to learn some healthy boundaries..But, I am about honesty, about truth, education and correcting ignorance; about enlightenment. How can others know, or learn, if I choose to be silent? Sure, keeping it in is "safe"...but haven't I been one that would rather do what is best and right rather than what is safe?
Well, I've probably hyped it up too much now. But my truth is this...I have decided to win this war with obesity and am going to have gastric bypass surgery on July 31, just a few short weeks away. I have decided to come "out of the closet" for several reasons. One, I am dealing with fear and anxiety and need support. I need prayer and I need love and friendship. Of course those closest to me already to know about my upcoming transformation, and I do have lots of support already. And honestly, probably anyone who reads this probably doesn't have too much to offer me.. But I guess, as it says, the truth will set you free. Maybe just by it no longer being somewhat of a private matter I will become more brave, more strong.
I also wanted to disclose in such a way so that my journey can be recorded. I am keeping my own private diary, but I want to encourage others. I want those around me, or those in my life who aren't around me on a daily basis necessarily, to be able to know what's going on, to follow my progress.
Thirdly, I hope that by documenting my journey that someone can learn, grow, be changed, whatever... I am reading the greatest book called "Exodus from Obesity: The Guide to Long-Term Success After Weight Loss Surgery (WLS)"..The author Paula Peck has inspired me in many ways, and one is to be open... That's what I'm about, and that's what this blog has been about for three years and counting. What better place to share my journey?
This surgery has been on my mind for years and I've been on this particular journey towards making this happen for 8 months. Needless to say, there is much to be shared and much to be said. Ideally, I would like to blog regularly and share my progress, feelings, fears, etc. History shows that ideals do not always pan out :) So, I will do my best, and be gracious to myself, be as honest as possible with myself and others, and share as I am able...
I don't know if I have any faithful readers any longer...They may have all given up on me! But if anyone does read this, please pray for me on July 31. 8 am! (Eastern)... I am pumped and ready to go... My seatbelt is fastened (and snug for only a brief bit longer!) and I am ready for the ride of my life.
My "secret" is somewhat controversial and may come with judgements..so this is why I haven't shouted it to the world. But then I realized that goes against everything I'm about. Now, I will be the first to admit that I do need to learn some healthy boundaries..But, I am about honesty, about truth, education and correcting ignorance; about enlightenment. How can others know, or learn, if I choose to be silent? Sure, keeping it in is "safe"...but haven't I been one that would rather do what is best and right rather than what is safe?
Well, I've probably hyped it up too much now. But my truth is this...I have decided to win this war with obesity and am going to have gastric bypass surgery on July 31, just a few short weeks away. I have decided to come "out of the closet" for several reasons. One, I am dealing with fear and anxiety and need support. I need prayer and I need love and friendship. Of course those closest to me already to know about my upcoming transformation, and I do have lots of support already. And honestly, probably anyone who reads this probably doesn't have too much to offer me.. But I guess, as it says, the truth will set you free. Maybe just by it no longer being somewhat of a private matter I will become more brave, more strong.
I also wanted to disclose in such a way so that my journey can be recorded. I am keeping my own private diary, but I want to encourage others. I want those around me, or those in my life who aren't around me on a daily basis necessarily, to be able to know what's going on, to follow my progress.
Thirdly, I hope that by documenting my journey that someone can learn, grow, be changed, whatever... I am reading the greatest book called "Exodus from Obesity: The Guide to Long-Term Success After Weight Loss Surgery (WLS)"..The author Paula Peck has inspired me in many ways, and one is to be open... That's what I'm about, and that's what this blog has been about for three years and counting. What better place to share my journey?
This surgery has been on my mind for years and I've been on this particular journey towards making this happen for 8 months. Needless to say, there is much to be shared and much to be said. Ideally, I would like to blog regularly and share my progress, feelings, fears, etc. History shows that ideals do not always pan out :) So, I will do my best, and be gracious to myself, be as honest as possible with myself and others, and share as I am able...
I don't know if I have any faithful readers any longer...They may have all given up on me! But if anyone does read this, please pray for me on July 31. 8 am! (Eastern)... I am pumped and ready to go... My seatbelt is fastened (and snug for only a brief bit longer!) and I am ready for the ride of my life.
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