On Motherhood

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Thanks, Crys

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother. Author Unknown

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.

The Empty Package

I am so very grateful for my friends who often know me better than myself, my friends that point out things that I might never see..

I was speaking with SOH today and trying to process some of this grief that I am dealing with over Wayne's loss. I loved something that she said. She said that my divorce was not like most people's divorces. Most people that get divorced have a happy period, they have the honeymoon, they have the time when everything is great for a while.. It's like someone who gets a gift that they unwrap, love the gift, enjoy it for a while, then lose it.

My situation is oh so different. I am the person who waits 8 years to open the big box they've been looking at forever. When they finally get to open it, they find it empty. They wasted all those years hoping and dreaming and wondering with blissful excitement. Then they have to deal with the grief of not only the empty dream, but the fact that all those years were wasted over longing for something that wasn't even there.

So, my grief today is deep. It goes much deeper than someone who passed away on Sunday. And I guess out of some respect for him, I've never spoken it fully. I never want to disrespect his memory (especially in such a medium as this), and would never want to disrespect his family and friends. I will never speak the horrible details here. But I will gently, kindly, speak my truth.

I have a sweet husband now. I have a great house and pets I love and wonderful friends. I am on the way to a new career that excites me. However, fifteen years after meeting Wayne, five years after the divorce, I still grieve over the empty marriage. And I guess there is a part of me that always will grieve. In many ways I have moved on, but in many ways, he has haunted me. I think the empty dream has haunted me. Maybe his loss will in some way set me free.

The Sham I Am

Parts of me have been a sham. This entire blog, even the title, was founded because I desired the truth. I am passionate about being real, about being one of integrity, about speaking the truth, of not beating around the bush.

But I have lived against this truth for years. I guess I can't say that some might not blame me. I guess some may say it's been a boundary; or maybe about protection. But for years I have been afraid of what would get back to my ex-husband. I didn't know who read this (or why I even assumed that anyone would care. Does this make me have a huge ego???), and didn't know what might get back to him. All the things that I wanted to be (brave, strong, happy, in love, etc.), those were things I wanted him to know about.. Not the things that were hard.

How stupid is this? How sad that THIS is my truth right now?? I don't know why JWP or anyone else of his friends would care about the fact that throughout the years I have been depressed, or lonely, or homesick, or longing for friends, or struggling spiritually, or infertile and now dealing with strange grief over him. It saddens me to even write those things. THESE things are my reality at times.. Why have I been so afraid to speak them?

MY TRUTH is that I am frail, and I am striving, and I am struggling. I am hungry for more and often disappointed, and sometimes have regrets. These are the truths that I have been unable to speak for fear that JWP would say "I told you so". My truth has been that my pride has gotten in the way.

Now that his loved ones have lost him, I guess that my truth can now be set free. How sad that I could not be brave enough to speak my truth, regardless of whether or not he was on this planet. Fifteen years later, he has still been affecting me...

God, help me to speak my truth, regardless. Help me to be brave and stay true to who I am and who made me to be.

How to deal?

So, how is one to deal with the death of their ex-spouse with whom they have a horrible history? Obviously we had 10 years of history. The marriage was horrible, traumatic, bitter, painful and brief. It ended so poorly. We hadn't spoken in years. Yet, that doesn't change the fact that he was a part of my life for TEN YEARS. We had a godchild, I loved his nieces, his family, we had lots of friends, and lots of great memories. We laughed, sang a lot together, and lived large.

I am sad for him for more reasons that I'll state in such a way. The whole thing is just sad, sad, sad.

Part of me feels like I have no right to grieve. His family and friends were still in his life. Isn't the grief reserved for them? Part of my grief is for them though. And part of it is for the things that never were...

Ten years is a long time for someone to be such a big part of your life. Although he's been gone from my life for years, there is a part of him that never left. There wasn't a week that went by that I didn't think of him or dream of him in a brief way. That type of history never leaves you, and never will.

I ache for his loved ones. I ache for truth never revealed; for secrets locked up; for solace not needed.

I found this quote that touched me so deeply..

May the Angels lead you into paradise; may the martyrs greet you at your arrival and lead you into the holy city, Jerusalem. May the choir of Angels greet you and like Lazarus, who once was a poor man, may you have eternal rest.
In Paradisum

Due to severe pain and history, it's been a long time that I've wanted good things for him. I have failed in that way. But when I read this, I was so touched. I truly wish all that for him. I pray that he does have eternal rest and peace.

Live hard, friends. Live deep. Live honestly, with truth, sincerity, integrity, and openness. Love each other deeply. Life can be gone before we know it.

Wayne's obituary

Joel Wayne Pierce, 38, died Sunday, October 14, 2007, at University Medical Center in Jackson. Visitation will be 1pm-3pm today with funeral services following at 3pm at First Baptist Church Hazlehurst with burial in Hazlehurst Cemetery. Stringer Family Funeral Services in Hazlehurst is handling arrangements.

Mr. Pierce was the Media Coordinator for Christ United Methodist Church in Jackson. Mr. Pierce was an ordained Baptist Minister. He was the former Copiah County Baptist Association Youth Coordinator, Music/Youth Director at Pilgrim's Rest Baptist Church, and Music Director at Gallman Baptist Church.

Mr. Pierce was preceded in death by his grandparents, Henry Casper Pierce, James Thigpen Pierce, Minnie Lee Boutwell and Louie Book.

He is survived by his parents, Maurice D. Pierce and Edna Lucille Book Pierce of Hazlehurst; sister, Laurice Pierce Kirk of Florence; and nieces, Madison Blair Kirk and Chloe Marie Kirk both of Florence.

In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to Mississippi Children's Home, P. O. Box 1078, Jackson, MS 39215.

Published in the Clarion Ledger on 10/16/2007.