Life Goes On

I remember in 1991 I went through a painful breakup. I barely ate for a week (and thus lost 10 pounds that week) and was horribly depressed. I remember watching people around me; friends, family, co-workers; even strangers in the mall, those driving past me. I remember thinking, "how can they be so happy"... It was odd to see people living "like normal" when I sure as heck wasn't. I realized how so many people might feel like that; after a loss of a loved one, or during other times of grief. Grief is often a lonely thing. Sometimes people understand what you're going through, but it's rarely at the same level, at the same time. Even two parents who lose a child grieve in different ways, I'm sure.

My sweetheart and I both grieve; on different levels for sure. I didn't lose my home and everything I own (although I did lose practically every sentimental thing I owned prior to 2000 due to the irresponsibility of my sorry ex-husband who didn't pay the storage rental bill and didn't tell me about it until everything had been auctioned off). I know what grief and loss is like. I grieve now because I love him so intensely and I cannot stand to see him hurting. I hurt because he hurts. But I'm sure even that grief is not like his. So therefore, we both grieve alone to some degree.

I presume the only remedy is time. Only time will allow the grief to subside. Only in time will he find housing, and little by little, replace his belongings.

Have you ever noticed that with time, though, that people forget? We said we'd "never forget" 9/11. But haven't we? We don't grieve like we did then. Sure it was a huge tragedy but it doesn't impact us like it did then. Of course, much of that is normal. However, it's difficult when people are still going through difficulties and those around them don't seem to understand the gravity of it.

My love STILL doesn't have housing. He is STILL homeless. He's still with my family and has been for 43 days. I am so grateful for my parents' hospitality. I presume they're ready for their house back, though. So what happens to him? He's thinking of spending some time with his family in Mobile. He's gravitated towards us for some reason, and for that I am grateful. I pray that his heart has been nourished during this time. Someone said recently, "other people have moved on, why can't he?".... comments like that make me see that people just don't understand the gravity of the situation we are in. There is NO HOUSING. I've looked online and there are some people that will allow strangers to come into their home for refuge. (One person I talked to said that her 15 year old son wanted to give up his bedroom so someone would have a home. How touching is that??) However, how difficult is it for those who have lost everything to move into someone else's home, that they don't even know, and lose something else of value: their privacy; their independence.... Sure, those that are on the street would be so grateful, I'm sure... anyway, I'm rambling...

A frustration of mine is FEMA...(the Flawed Emergency Management Agency)..Now don't get me wrong. They do great work. Many have received much needed assistance from them. But they are unorganized and it seems to me, clueless about most victims of the storm. I know people who are in homes that are untouched that have received close to $5000, yet my bf is still homeless. I know people who have gotten money, who had no damage, were not out of work, etc. People are frauding the Federal Government and it IRRITATES ME. Fema has given my bf money for rental assistance. But let me ask you this... What good does rental assistance money do you if there is no where to rent???

My emotions are up and down... I've had to seek further medicinal support during this time of stress and grief. One thing that I love about my sweetheart is that he expresses him emotions and does not stuff them like a lot of men do. The downside of this, though, is that I see his feelings. Last night he didn't even speak a word and I could see the sadness in his eyes. Being the empathetic person that I am, I hurt with him.

I've let myself go in a lot of ways, though, in these days since the storm; I'm trying to be better about that. I've started back to studying. I've actually really enjoyed my studies as of late. I guess it's been a refuge for me in some ways...

I'm feeling particularly eager to write today.. not sure why... anyway, many people know that I've struggled a lot spiritually since my marriage. One day I will have to write that whole story out (of course, my spiritual story and my marriage story are two completely different novels all together) :) I continue to struggle spiritually, even now though, amidst this difficult time. It's so hard when people say to "just trust God"... I guess, honestly, it's not the trusting God part that bothers me, but the people that say that to me. It makes me feel that they truly don't understand grief and hurting; as if to say, "just trust God and the hurt will go away"... I know first hand that this is NOT true.. There are NO guarantees. As the Bible says, the rain falls on the just and the unjust. I have a hard, hard time sorting that out. People say if you do the right thing, you'll be blessed for it. But I also know firsthand, that's not always true.

I've learned about pain and sorrow and grief in the past few years in a way I'd never experienced it before. I've learned more, spiritually too, I guess... I've learned experientially, rather than through book knowledge. Seminary sure doesn't teach you the types of things I've lived through. Nothing in a book teaches you this stuff...

Ok, I'm rambling now... I've added some photos below. Some of of our precious dogs. Pepper is our family dog that we've had for a year or so. Pedro is my sweetheart's dog and has been with us since the storm as well. They are so terribly funny together. I will close with this story of Pedro and Pepper's adventures.

Pepper has a serious naughty streak in him. He loves to sneak around and do things he knows he's not supposed to do. One thing in particular, is to get the towel that he sleeps on from his kennel and chew on it. The place where he does this, is in the formal dining room, underneath the table (usually with the lights off). If we haven't seen or heard Pepper in a while, it means he is in there doing something he's not supposed to. I've named the Dining Room the "naughty room" for this reason.

Last night, I hadn't heard or seen Pepper or Pedro in a while. I went into the "naughty room" and sure enough, Pepper was in there with his towel. I glanced to my left in the dining room, and there was Pedro... He had taken his towel from his cage and was chewing on it as well!!! If you knew their personalities, you'd know how funny this is. Pepper is very aggressive (but still very sweet) and Pedro is very passive. The whole thing reminded me of a little brother that imitated his big brother because he wanted to be just like him! Too funny...

Stories like this keep me going... Thank you God, for the small things...