Crying over meatballs

I swear I really did this tonight. I cried over meatballs. NOW, I will say that I am all kind of hormonal, my sleep schedule has been somewhat messed up, I have a lot on my mind, and I haven't been able to take my anti-depressant in two months that I was doing very well on pre-surgery (that's a whole other post all together)...So, my emotions are all over the map. But, I REALLY cried over meatballs.

The story: I have found, as I've written before, that a lot of my mental struggles over missing food seem to be associated with things that I used to love in my former life. There is one place that delivers to where we live in the boonies, and I used to love to order meatball subs for me and hubby when I didn't feel like cooking. I grew to love them. I had a rough day today and was in no mood to cook, so I decided to order the sandwiches. I knew I couldn't eat the sandwich per say, but I've had good responses to beef as of late, so I figured I could eat some of the meatballs and save the rest for later.

Hubby got home from work and devoured his right away while I was deep into a STAT report for work that I could not get away from. When I finally finished the report, SAM was already in bed watching television. I brought him some SF ice cream and ate my meatballs with him. Whenever I eat something that is exciting, totally tasty, I get this sense of urgency. I feel like I just HAVE to get it in as fast as I can...Memories of doing this pre-surgery come back all the time. What is that about? Why am I in such a hurry? What need does that meet? (ha.. i typed meat..food on my mind much?!!?) SAM mentioned how fast I was eating and that I needed to slow down. (If I eat too fast I throw it up. It happens a lot. But I realize that it mainly happens with foods that I'm excited about.) I immediately began to cry. He said it to me in a very sweet manner, so it's not because of what he said. It's because he was RIGHT. It's because I had this desire to completely ravage this food and I simply cannot do it. I started bawling and said how much I miss food and that I felt like I was in detox. I'M HAVING DTs!!! I took some deep breaths and slowed down and watched TV with him and at the rest of the meatballs slowly. After it was over I was fine. The whole thing just really struck me.

I know that there many who relate to this addiction. I just wish that I could make sense of it. I hope, I pray, that with time this struggle will lessen. I hope that one day I love my new self so much that I'll say "I can't believe I really cried over meatballs!!!"...Even 43 pounds down and 8 weeks out (today!), it's still not enough... I'm still too close to where I used to be and I still miss it like crazy...

What a great doc!

In listening to a medical transcription today, I encountered a doctor who was so compassionate towards this 320-pound woman. Here are his exact words:

Discussed weight with her at length. Told her that she is not alone in her difficulties with losing weight. Discussed bariatric surgery.

What I love about that is not that he mentioned bariatric surgery, but that he was so compassionate and sympathetic just in these few sentences. I have not had a history of doctors attacking me because of my obesity, but that seems to me to be a common approach. I have had a doctor or two in the past say "now what are we going to do about this weight" (who's WE? )... Or trying to counsel me on wise choices.. Not that those approaches don't work for some.. But for the morbidly obese, it seems quite trite..

I am just grateful for doctors like this. We are not alone in our struggles!!

On plateaus, Flo, and enmeshment...random, I know.

Hello friends.. I haven't posted in a while..Not because I've been doing poorly but because there really hasn't been anything going on.. I've had other non-WLS issues on my mind I presume..

I'm in the midst of a serious plateau!! Which I guess is important to write about too..And I was reminded tonight that plateaus are healthy.. I promised myself pre-surgery that I was not going to be one of those obsessive people that weighs every day and frets when there's not any weight lost.. Well guess what? I have officially become one of THOSE people...

***ESTROGEN ALERT FOR ANY MALES READING THIS***The nurse practitioner who follows Dr. Hodge's patients told me that my cycle could get all messed up... My cycle is usually very, very short.. (23 days - or has been for the past few years anyway) "Aunt Flo" has been trying to come and visit for weeks and weeks, and I really think that's messed me up.. Losing weight has messed up Flo and Flo has messed up losing weight :) When she finally arrived, it was almost 20 days late.. So I really think that has messed me up big time.. I'm glad that Jackie (the FNP) warned me about this..and now that I think about it, last time I was losing weight really fast (with Phentermine) I had the same issues with Flo...Hopefully once she leaves the weight loss will return.. I've only lost 1 pound in the past 2.5 weeks! :(

Ok, men, you can resume reading now.. I know that was probably a big time overshare, but I want people to know how all this can affect you. I want people to be able to learn from my experiences, if they are so inclined. So I share as I encounter.

The encouraging thing about the plateau is that as Sandra says, it's all math.. You can't weigh 250 pounds and exist on 500 calories a day and not lose weight. It's not mathematically possible. Another friend of mine said that in her personal experience, the times when she stopped losing was when she started losing inches.. almost as if the inches had to catch up with the pounds... I definitely can tell in my clothes, so that is encouraging. I do not measure as I should.. I took initial measurements the night before surgery, but have not taken them since.. I guess I should?

I still feel in kind of a dissociative state..Meaning, I have this radical eating transformation, and some changes are going on in my body, but the two haven't meshed.. I don't know if that makes sense or not.. There is so much strangeness to this process!

There is not only this dissociation between what I'm doing and who I'm becoming but also who I was and who I am becoming.. I still miss eating like crazy, but it's not constant.. It comes in waves.. It's really only with commercials now and then or while out and about and seeing restaurants or smelling things that were once my love.. I'm still waiting for that day when I have super-crazy manic energy or when I can run or cross my legs or shop in a non-fat-chic clothing store.. I think those will be the moments that the two will mesh and the dissociation will end. Or maybe it will never truly end? I do know that when those moments occur, that will be when I can say goodbye to the obese Traci, who though obese is still is so worthy of love, and say hello to the new healthy Traci. I love how another WLS friend said it. It's like an amicable divorce... Obese Traci who is food addicted, it's just not working anymore and we're going to have to part so that health and LIFE and FREEDOM can rule!

Until that time when the union of life changes and body changes takes place, I will continue on towards this journey of health and wholeness.. I will take these meds, and drink this protein, and eat these small bites, and try my hardest to follow the rules, to not rush ahead and push my little baby belly too hard, get enough rest, stay hydrated, be kind to myself, exercise as I am able, and wait for the transformation!! (But even as I say that, isn't there some saying that says the journey is not about the destination but the process?) Maybe I'm becoming enmeshed as I speak :) Ok, I've gotten too deep for myself.. and still have more protein to drink... Here's to growth, health, healing, and LIFE and FREEDOM friends!!

The details...or some of them anyway

As noted in my last post, I recently wrote to someone telling them about some of the details of the surgery process from application, insurance hoops, some of the actual surgery details..I know some people are reading that are researching/considering WLS...so I thought I'd share some of these things for anyone that may have questions.

There are many, many hoops to jump through, which in retrospect I understand. This is such a life-changing process.. I think they just want to know that people are serious about it. I had to do six months of "doctor supervised weight loss", which was really a joke. I basically just went to the surgeon's office once a month and weighed in. I didn't really lose weight during that time. I had to write a letter of why I wanted to have the surgery, provide five years of weight history from previous doctors showing that I'd been obese for a long time, have a gallbladder ultrasound, an EGD (looking at my stomach with a scope), go to a nutrition class, support group meetings, letter from my primary care doctor, a psych evaluation, and I think that's about it.. Enough huh? It was a lot of work. But, as I said, the surgery is much harder, so I guess they want to see your commitment. The whole process took me about 8 months, but I kind of stalled for a month or two.. I think if I had done everything right on time it would have taken me about 6.. Of course, every surgeon is different and all require different things. Once I was approved by insurance and had a surgery date, I also had to do some preop testing which involved an EKG, chest x-ray, blood work and urinalysis.

The surgery was done laparoscopically, and most are except for in very rare circumstances, then it's done with an open incision. I had 6 tiny incisions in different spots on my belly. Only one or two will actually leave a scar, I think. The actual surgery only took about an hour (I also had my gallbladder removed because i had gallstones, which was unknown to me until I had the ultrasound). The recovery was painful, but tolerable. Apparently I have a low pain tolerance and am a slow healer. Others that I've known have recovered much better, faster, than me. But I know it's all going to be worth it. The weight comes off SO fast. Probably by Christmas I'll be down at least 80 pounds.

As far as what's next for me, it's really about just getting healthy. I hope to start exercising soon (I've been very tired.. Part of it is the low caloric intake I think, probably no more than 500-600 calories a day, but part of it may be that I've heard the anesthesia can stay with you for up to a month.) So, I've just been taking it easy. There is what's called a honeymoon period, the first 6-12 months or so, when the weight just falls off, there isn't any, or much, hunger for most.. So I want to take advantage of this period and exercise to lose as much as I can. Statistics show that most people lose 75% of their excess weight in the first 18-24 months. So I want to use this opportunity to try to get as much off as I can. It becomes much more work after that..

Some people think this is an easy way out, but it is just the opposite. This is harder than any diet I've ever been on. It takes much more commitment and much more "head work." The surgery is just a tool, but it's got to be used in order to work. Unfortunately some gain their weight back, so it takes lots and lots of commitment. For me, I knew there was no other way. I've dieted all my life and been up and down. So, my options were to be obese or have surgery, and I was so tired of the former.

I'm hoping that this will increase my changes of fertility. I know that it will give me lots more energy, I'll feel better about myself, and I look forward to so many things that I haven't enjoyed in a very long time. It will be a new life. A challenging one, but one that will be so worth it.

This process really makes you work on yourself. One friend told me that it's easier to get rid of body fat than head fat. Meaning, for so many there is an emotional component to eating, and that's got to be nipped in the bud in order for this to work. It's a challenge, already, at only 4 weeks out. I miss eating so bad I can hardly stand it. But I know that when I can walk into Ann Taylor, The Limited, or whatever store, and be able to wear any cute, trendy thing I want, or when I run that marathon, it will all be worth it.