The Why

I have mentioned before that my writings have not only been a release for me, but also to educate and encourage. I know that there are so many people who don't know about WLS, or have misconceptions about it. I would like to do my best to share what I know and to share my journey along the way.

I recently wrote a friend telling them exactly what happened..what the whole process was like. I thought I'd share that here, for those that may be curious. But, before I do that, I want to share exactly WHY I did this.

I had to write a letter to my surgeon/insurance company stating why I wanted to have this surgery. I've decided to share that letter here. It's quite personal, and pretty intimate, but most will know that I am pretty open, these days especially. To quote an old cheezy Truth song (with different meaning of course), how will they know unless we tell them? Ha..that made me laugh..

Anyway, here's the letter. It was good for me to read again, myself, to keep things in perspective, to remember just why I put myself through this!!

February 3, 2008

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been asked to write a letter stating why I am considering gastric bypass surgery. This letter is to explain my reasoning and my weight-loss history to date.

I come from a family of overweight people. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. My memories of dieting go all the way back to age 11. This is not a new journey, but one that I have been on my entire life. As a teenager I was approximately 20-30 pounds overweight. As I recall, it seems that I gained approximately 10 pounds a year, with the exception of when I went to college as a freshman and gained 30 pounds. I reached 200 at the age of 23 and 300 at the age of 32.

I cannot count the number of diets that I have attempted, or the number of times that I have attempted each one. With each attempt, I always lost a little weight, but never more than an average of 30 pounds. There were 2 occasions where I lost 40-50 pounds. However, I was never able to keep off the weight that I lost. My dieting would eventually involve me getting discouraged, overwhelmed, defeated, and eventually giving up. I considered surgical intervention for the first time in 1993, but realized that I was not heavy enough at that point. I pursued it again in 2004 or 2005, but my insurance company denied the claim.

Over the years I came to accept myself as I was and began to focus on my positive qualities, my internal characteristics, intelligence, gifts, etc., and did not focus so much on my weight (although the dieting never really stopped). I dated and eventually married a man who did not care that I was overweight and ended up gaining 100 pounds in the decade that I was with him. After our divorce and a new marriage, however, I began to think about having children, only to find myself dealing with infertility. The fertility specialist I was seeing told me that losing weight could only help my fertility. This was a huge wake-up call for me.

I feel that I am at a different place than I was a decade ago when I detested myself because of my weight. I know of many morbidly obese people have an extremely low self-esteem because of their weight. I, on the other hand, have been trying to spend the past 10+ years on focusing on the internal rather than the external. I now have come to an impasse, however, in realizing that I am INDEED a morbidly obese woman. If I am able miraculously conceive a child, I would not want to carry it at my present weight. I also would not want to be a mother in the state that I am in. I would not be able to play with my child as I wanted, be a healthy role model, or have an active life with my child at my current weight. I also know that never in my life have I maintained my weight, but always seem to be gaining. And this is no type of life for a child. I have fears of one day being a home-bound or bed-bound individual, and I certainly would not want to be that type of parent for my child.

I also know that I am blessed after all these years to have ONLY struggled with depression, insomnia, migraines, infertility, low-back pain, and most recently, gall stones. I know that it is only a matter of time that I do have to face the realities of hypertension, diabetes, heart problems, etc. I know that many obese people are not so lucky, and I know that my day will come if I don’t do something.

I want so much more for my life than I have right now. I kind of wonder if I’m feeling like a conjoined twin must feel. They have had that other side of them for so long that they don’t know any different. That is kind of the way my weight has been for me. Prejudices, stereotypes, difficulties with dating, difficulties with intimacy, not fitting in airplane seats and movie seats, wondering if I’m going to fit into the booth in the restaurant.. these are just things I’ve accepted. However, after a close friend having recently had gastric bypass and having wonderful success, it has opened up my eyes to realize that change IS possible. I do not have to accept this part of me. There IS a way out.

My number one motivation for having this surgery is to get healthy so that I can do my best to conceive, carry a child in a healthy manner, and be an active mother and role model for my children. Secondly, I want to be proactive and prevent any long-term health issues that will eventually come as a result of my obesity. Thirdly, I want to be feel better about myself, feel more attractive as a woman/wife and to be able to be more active.

I told someone recently that to me dieting is like someone telling me to walk from Tennessee to California. Gastric bypass is like me still having to walk to California, but someone has given me wings. I know that it is not a miracle cure. I know that I still will have to work my butt off.. I just know that the surgery will make that possible for me. I don’t even try on my own anymore because I KNOW that I will fail. I know that I may lose a little weight, but that I will quit and eventually gain it back. I have done it over, and over, and over, and over.

I know that there is a huge emotional component to my eating and I know that this will not change with surgery. I am currently in therapy, on anti-depressants, and know that the internal work will just begin with surgery. I am committed to being all that I can be. I am committed to working on myself, and seeking help, communicating with others, and finding support. I just need the wings to help me get to the destination..

Thanks for your consideration..

Beautiful girl...repost

I originally wrote this in July of 2006. I found it today and it spoke to me, so I wanted to repost it. Even after WLS, even with 150 pounds gone, these words will still be important and oh so necessary....If only we focused on the inner value more than anything... beautiful girl
hold your head up high

don't believe their lies
the hurtful words they speak

your value, your worth
is more than gold

you are precious
unlike any other

so many gifts to give
to share with the world

hold your head high
be proud of who you are

speak the truth
of the value inside

don't let them tear you down
or wound the precious girl inside

be brave
be strong

rejoice in all that you are

beautiful girl

be strong
be brave

you are unlike any other,
beautiful girl

Valleys

You know, it's kind of funny. It used to be that I only blogged when things weren't going well for me. I think writing was some kind of release. When I was happy, I'd be silent for months. Now I find that I only want to write when I'm feeling positive. I guess I see this WLS (and sharing about it) as such an educational thing. I want to encourage those behind me, or educate those who don't understand. But...I presume that writing about the bad times and then later writing how I overcame is where the encouragement can take place.

Things haven't been horrible, but I have been struggling...I'm not regretting my decision, just struggling with the process. Some say after WLS they have no desire for food. My case is that my head, the addictive part of me, CRAVES it...It's so hard to see the places I used to eat and know I cannot eat that stuff, or if I do eat it in the amounts I WANT to, I'll get sick. But you know what? THIS is why I made this decision.

I love what Sandra says about it.. She says that it's like she pulled an intervention on herself, without her knowledge... Obviously I knew I was doing this...But the food addict in me had no clue how hard it would be. But this is the blessing about the surgery...and why it works when diets don't... On a diet, you CAN cheat...you can take a day off..you can give up and give in...Now, sure, I could go get a Domino's pizza right now, but I'd just throw it up...And have wasted the money...I hear that there WILL be a day when I can eat what I want in moderation (with probably the exception of sugar and lots of carbs).. That day is just not here yet. And my insides miss it.. Not my belly, as in, I'm not hungry at all...But my flesh, my human nature, my part that loves to feel good, sure misses it a heck of a lot...So I guess I'm going through some mourning...

Not only have I given up what I crave most, but I am having to do such seemingly impossible tasks...Sandra and I came up with this great analogy.. (and I'm sure I've written about how much I love analogies..) Here is the struggle...Imagine it's Thanksgiving day and you have eaten until you cannot eat any more..You feel sick, bloated, having to unzip your zipper, all that stuff.. Ok...Imagine that you HAVE to continue to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat.. And what makes it worse is that it's stuff you hate...Sure you might could fit in an extra bite of pecan pie, but what if it was something nasty? What's the point, right??? That is what every day feels like for me.. I'm not sick and bloated, but I have no appetite and eating is a STRUGGLE...My baby stomach is so very small..So you have to just consume, and consume, and consume all day... And it's not fun food!!! It's not horrible, but it's sure not the comfort food I'm used to, the food I crave...

I'm sure that one day I will get used to it.. I will grow up emotionally and spiritually and learn that food is for nourishment...(Of course I'm learning that the hard way now.. it's just taking forever for my head to catch up with all that..)...I pray I learn to find my comfort in things that are healthy and good for me.. And I'll begin to reap all the rewards of losing weight and I will love it... Maybe one day I'll get to run that marathon and I'll weep at the finish line and say, "no food compares to this..." For now, it's new and fresh, and 5 weeks without comfort food in my body just isn't enough time I presume...

I fully believe this is a full-on addiction. It could just be a lifetime of bad habits, and genes and all that. But this inner struggle is more than I can put into words. But I loved something that Sandra said...She said that any other addict (alcoholic, drug addict, whatever) would jump at the chance to have a surgery to help with their addiction. Obviously it doesn't take the addiction away (as evidenced by all my ramblings above), but it sure helps nip the big problem in the bud... It's like I always said when deciding to have this surgery.. Losing weight was impossible before because you had the mechanics of losing the weight, all the clinical stuff, AND all the emotional, comfort-food, addiction crap with it... The surgery just takes care of a major, major, major part of it.. Now my part is to deal with the internal stuff...And there is no comforting with food now!!! So I'm having to face the demon head on...

So there, my friends, is the valley. I call it a valley because I know there will be a mountaintop one day. I know it's only for a season. And I AM 29 pounds down since starting my liquid diet 5 weeks ago... How could THAT ever happen without surgery?? Even better than that, I don't have to worry about if I'll ever see those numbers again...So, I know in my head that WLS is still a huge blessing, and that the rewards will come...

Thanks for your prayers and your support as I continue in this journey towards health and healing, not only in body, but in mind.

A few challenges

I feel really good today and it sure feels good to feel good! My recovery has been a lot slower than I'd hoped and with several setbacks.

My latest setback was on Thursday when I went to have my drain removed. (By the way, it was a pretty painless process. The nurse told me that most patients tell her that it just feels weird, and that was exactly right. It was so bizarre...I guess I didn't realize how long it was inside my belly...And feeling it being pulled, from the inside, was very strange.. But needless to say, I was just glad it was gone. The drain was a humbling experience thinking of people that have to deal with foreign things to their bodies all the time...I felt guilt in complaining about it...) Thursday was my first day to drive, so I ran a few errands, came home, and was exhausted, and took a nap. I woke up from my nap with fever! I was pretty terrified... I did end up calling my surgeon that night and he was so gracious. He was not worried about it, nor was my RN hubby...I presume I should have trusted hubby...I was overly paranoid I guess.. But a fever after surgery is just a scary thing.. My drain site was pretty irritated, so I presume the fever was just from that. I had it for about a day and a half or so, then I was fine...

Support group was yesterday and I was really hesitant to go. I'd not been feeling well and had been a little down and tired, and just hated to show that side of it all to the newbies.. Then I realized that it's about all that too...Those researching need to see all sides of it.. The discouragement and the fear and the worry is a part of it alongside the weight loss and increase in activity and happiness. It's a package deal, and in all honest, I'm a tell-it-like-it-is, whole-package kind-of girl... so I'm proud that I went. Thank you, Sandra, for encouraging me to go!! I did end up getting blessed by it, and I seem to always meet someone new with a new story...

There has been so much excitement in my recent posts.. This journey is not going to be all excitement. There are going to be lots and lots of trials...They have already begun.. I'm already overwhelmed about all I have to try to fit in my little tummy.. There are not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do...And I'm not even working yet!! I have a tendency to get way overwhelmed...so this has been a problem...

I'm getting out more, which is good, but also a challenge. I am bombarded with the things I used to love. I have loved eating out since I was a child. It always brought some kind of comfort to me...not really sure why..But getting out of the house and seeing billboards and restaurants and fast food restaurants is a challenge. My tummy doesn't want the stuff, isn't even hungry at all, and couldn't even handle it.. But my head sure wants it... I have many, many years of bad habits, addictions even, and none of that disappears with this miraculous surgery. The battlefield is in the mind...

I have struggled for a long time with the mind over matter mindset...but is something that I really want to take hold of... Maybe this will be a turning point for me. Hubby and I went on a date last night and I went to a restaurant for the first time. I thought, you know, I can moan and groan about what I can't have, or I can just accept it...I've made this positive choice for myself and it is the way it is... I think it's going to take a lot more of that kind of thinking... Of course, eventually I'll have many, many things to replace what I'm letting go of...But at this stage in the game, it's new and fresh, and although I've lost some weight, the major advantages aren't here yet. But they will come. And it will be grand. In the mean time, I will battle and fight against the old me and look forward to all that is before me...

Thank each and every one of my loved ones who are keeping up with me and supporting me!! I don't know how I'd do it without you all...

The Wisdom of Mary Poppins

I just came across this fabulous quote today from Mary Poppins..

"Enough is as good as a feast."

I don't know the context, but I don't know that the context even really matters that much. That is such a powerful statement. Why it's taken WLS for me to truly understand and grasp that concept I will never understand. I've read so many stories about people who don't understand why they couldn't "get it" before hand...Why they had to go to such extremes to become healthy... And my goodness, I'm only 12 days into this process. But I am learning every day, and that quote just knocked my socks off.

The pre-WLS Traci wanted it all, wanted all the feast, all the time..I realize there is a huge heart issue there.. I mean, what's the essential problem in wanting all the freaking time? Selfishness, greed, lust, whatever...I know that WLS does nothing to change the inside. All is does is change my belly. My head and my heart will have to change, to learn to be content, to realize that enough IS as good as a feast. I can beat myself up for not learning it in my 38 years of life...or I can be very grateful that I have the opportunity to learn it now..And to live my remaining years healthy and content and grateful... I think the latter choice is a pretty darned good one as well... I'll take it!!

Postop Day 11

Things have been quiet over here because I have been in the bed on pain meds! Had a minor setback. I rode to Knoxville last Wednesday the 6th to take mom back to the airport. I'd been feeling well and hubby was going to be driving, so I assumed all would be fine. I had a pillow close to my tummy the whole way, but I guess all the jarring around of my insides was just too much. I ended up being in about as much pain as I was in at the hospital. :( So I've just been medicating and resting. Am finally on the upswing I think.

Had my first postop appointment today and that went great. The great news is that I got my staples out and was given permission to advance to the next stage of the diet. The not-so-great news is that my drain has to stay in until Thursday :(. But it's tolerable. It's for my best. All the pain I'm feeling is normal, so that's good to know. The key is to take it easy, rest, medicate when necessary, and get my nutrients in. This is a CHALLENGE! I never thought eating all day would be hard! But it is... There is so much needed to consume to stay healthy and nourished and there is only so much time and such a tiny little stomach now!!

The good thing is that I'm catching up on lots of TV. That's one thing I can do. I've read some, but have found that TV is just easier right now. I watched in the whole first season of Mad Men in several days and have found yet another show to be addicted to!

The day is gorgeous here. It's early August, not a cloud in the sky, and 75 degrees! This reminds me of why I live in TN!

Ok, about a half-hour is about my limit at the computer at this point. I guess it's Tivo time. Just wanted to let everyone know that I was still around! Oh yeah! And 20 pounds down too! :)

Best day yet...and remembering the why

The days keep getting better. I have more strength and energy today and the pain is not as bad. Honestly, I think the narcotics were keeping me down, just overall not in good shape. I feel stronger today and actually felt like talking to some friends on the phone.

I am feeling this yucky tightness in my stomach that I'm trying to figure out. As SOH says, the next year of my life is going to be a science experiment; figuring out what works and what doesn't, what my body likes and what it doesn't.

I had my first "uh oh" moment today. I cannot swallow whole pills for several months because of the tiny hole from my esophagus to my little baby stomach. I've begin using Tylenol instead of the big mama drugs, and had crushed the Tylenol and put it in another medication I'm taking that is in liquid form. I swallowed that fine and then put some water in the 1-oz cup to make sure I'd gotten all the medication. Without even thinking, I swallowed the whole ounce of water in one gulp. Baby tummy did not like that!! I could tell right away it wasn't a good thing. It was just a sharp pain that subsided quickly..but we learn from those experiences...

I watched Anne of Green Gables with mom today and just loved it. Sweet moments with my sweet mom! I will be sad when she leaves and will have to be a big girl and take care of myself now (and hubby too..how nice to have mom cooking for SAM!!)...The good thing is that day after tomorrow I'll be even stronger and more prepared to do what I need to do.

I have the dogs boarded for a good while and that has been such a blessing. Lulu would be a breeze, but the sweet baby boy puppy boy would have been a handful. I just don't know how I could take care of him right now! Thank goodness I have a wonderful lady who keeps them for me for such a reasonable cost. So that's been a load off of my back.

SOH said something today that just made me tear up...It's easy in this phase to get caught up in all the hard parts of this process. Obviously I'm not to any other stage yet... But many have said they would do this surgery again and again if they had to.. (which spoke volumes to me while I was in the hospital.. It's one thing to hear that and another thing to experience it).. Don't get me wrong, I'm having no regrets and am so excited of the life before me... It just has its hard moments, and when you don't have the good stuff yet to compare it, you just have to keep a level head. Anyway, SOH said, "Trust the YOU that made this decision to do this." I just loved that and it was just what I needed to hear. I made an excellent decision for my life, for my health, for my future, for so many things that still await me!!

I'm so excited to be able to share my journey with everyone. I am more open than many, and sometimes I wonder if I'm too open for me :)... Why the heck would anyone care about my stories anyway? Sometimes I have a nagging voice saying that to me.. "who do you think you are? what makes you so special that others would want to read or know?"...But then my spirit speaks and I realize that my truth is my truth. It doesn't belong to anyone else. No one can tell it like me. And although we are all at different stages in our journeys, there are people not yet to where am...And if they can learn and grow from me, then I am grateful for it.

I write with a humble heart and know there is nothing good in me on my own. I know that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So I thank him for these wonderful second chances, for loved ones, for words, for the freedom of expression, and for those who are willing to learn and grow. May we all be molded and shaped daily!

Postop Day 4

Just a quick report, friends! My surgery was performed on July 31 at 8 am with no difficulties whatsoever. The surgery was performed in under two hours from what I understand. I was in my room that afternoon and met there by my sweet husband and mother. They were such angels and I don't know what I would have done without them.

I will write more as I have more strength. They recovery has not been that bad. The pain is not horrible. In a word I would just describe it as uncomfortable. The drain is uncomfortable. My incisions are uncomfortable. The abdominal binder is uncomfortable, but provides relief too.

I haven't had the slightest hunger pang. The foods I'm eating are easy to tolerate and I'm not having trouble getting things down down. No nausea. Overall, excellent recovery!

Honestly, one of my biggest complaints besides being uncomfortable is restlessness. I cannot seem to focus on anything or sit still for any period of time. This is good because it has me up and moving, but I would love to be spending me down time watching movies or reading, and it's just not happening!

I'm feeling stronger each day and probably have spent my internet limit for today typing this brief message. Just wanted to give everyone an update! Thanks so much for all the many, many prayers and positive thoughts. They were definitely felt and are still appreciated to this day!

Love to all -
Traci