I Am Changing

I heard this song on American Idol
I loved the lyrics of it
It really describes where I am in my life right now

Sometimes you hear a song and just think
wow, I should have written that...

"I AM CHANGING"


Look at me
Look at me
I am changing, tryin' every way I can
I am changing, I'll be better than I am
I'm trying-to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you-I need a hand

I am changing, seeing everything so clear now
I am changng, I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out, and I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All my life I've been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost
How many dark nights have I known

Walking down that wrong road, there was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness-can make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing, tryin every way I can
I am changing, I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend-to help me start all over again,
oh-that would be just fine
I know it's gonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am-This time I am

I am changing, gonna get my life together now
I am changing, yes, I know how
I'm gonna start again, I'm leaving my past behind
I'll change my life-I'll make a vow
And nothing's gonna stop me now...hey

 

The Shadow

I am not speaking of a dark man movie that was out some time ago. I am not speaking of what follows us that is created by the sun. I am speaking of something entirely different. Something brand new; something many probably have not heard of. Yet I've come to learn that it is something that exists within us.

The shadow, from what I understand, is that deep dark place within us. The part where our hopes, dreams, desires, fears are kept. It is the "real us" that many are afraid of or do not allow to come out and be heard. Sometimes when growing up, our true selves are stifled. Often the church, or other predisposed rules are laid upon us and we are forced by culture, or society to stuff our "true self". This "true self" is our shadow (this theory was fathered by Dr. Carl Jung, famous psychiatrist).

What I have learned is that this part of us never leaves; never dies. We cannot escape who we are. We can pretend to be something we are not; but peace, contentment, I believe, is not entirely possible. What I've been told, is that when the "shadow" is stuffed farther down, it simply comes out in unhealthy ways.

I've done a little research on this tonight. I found this piece that I want to include. It is so stimulating to me:

The Shadow

The Shadow, is a psychological term introduced by the late Swiss psychiatrist, Dr. Carl G. Jung. It is everything in us that is unconscious, repressed, undeveloped and denied. These are dark rejected aspects of our being as well as light, so there is positive undeveloped potential in the Shadow that we don't know about because anything that is unconscious, we don't know about.

The Shadow is an archetype. And what an archetype simply means is that it is typical in consciousness for everyone. Everyone has a Shadow. This is not something that one or two people have. We all have a Shadow and a confrontation with the Shadow is essential for self awareness. We cannot learn about ourselves if we do not learn about our Shadow so therefore we are going to attract it through the mirrors of other people.

Taking Responsibility for Our Lives
(I LOVE this!! Didn't I just write about this just the other day!!! ~ Traci)

The first thing we have to do in order to begin to see our Shadowsides, is to take 100% responsibility for our lives. This is a very difficult thing to do and no one does this overnight so we have to be patient with ourselves.

Being in the human experience, we have all had many painful, difficult experiences where it clearly looks like it is the other persons fault, or bad luck in life or whatever else we want to call it. So taking total responsibility for what appears to come to us is no easy task but it is well worth the effort because when we take responsibility for what happens to us, we can then learn and grow from our experiences and make new choices for ourselves.

Changing our attitude from blame to responsibility will change what happens next in our world. Our destiny is of our own making and what goes on inside of us will be reflected outside of us all the time.

Rebeca E. Eigen

"The Shadow Dance - Understanding RepetitivePatterns in Relationships"

Such good, good stuff... I hope that anyone that reads even a couple of my posts can see that I strive for self-awareness. This article seems to be a treasure chest of wealth regarding self-awareness. I will continue to read. If you'd like to, go to http://www.shadowdance.com/shadow/theshadow.html

One of the hardest thing about learning and growing is realizing that each person chooses their own path (how I love that word: choice). I cannot make anyone become self-aware or want to look deeper and find their shadow. One can try to encourage and lead by example, but the choice belongs to each individual.

My deepest soul prayer is that I will find a man who strives to be so deeply in touch with his own soul. Only then will I know true intimacy and have the love I so deeply crave. I pray that he exists.

Holy Maker, bring the shadow that you created into the light and help me to fully embrace all that I am and all that I was created to be. Only then will I be whole and be a beacon of light for this world that you so deeply love.

"Denial is pushing something out of your awareness. Anything you hide in the basement has a way of burrowing under the house and showing up on the front lawn."~ Howard Sasportas

Victim vs. Victory

I worked in mental health for several years.

I have heard stories that would make you weep.

We live in an often very cruel world and there are horrid people that will do horrid things to people.

Then there are those of us, who just deal with general ups and downs of life

Hurts, pains, disappointments - fighting cynicism.
Expecting life to be one way and then being dealt an entirely different card.
The ultimate question: will you be a victim, or will you have victory?
Will you allow your pain and your disappointments to keep you down
or will you rise above them

Even the people I initially spoke of

who deal with horrid abuse and mistreatment
must make this choice

Being a victim keeps you stuck
Victory gives each the ability to slap your abusers in the face, so to say...
"I will not allow you to keep me down"...

I pray that I find victory every day...

This theme seems to be replaying itself in my life. I first started thinking of this from a song that I've heard lately that I've come to love (I will post the words in a few). Another is, believe it or not, (those who know me well might find this funny) a marquis on a store. I usually HATE marquis, ESPECIALLY those on churches. They are way too trite for me. But, I saw this marquis on a storage place in town and it said:

If you do your raindance
until it rains
then you will have succeeded.

I read something else today:

The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little longer.
Arabian proverb


This theme seems to keep replaying itself in my life. I cannot quit. I cannot allow my circumstances to defeat me. I must be a victor, no matter how hard it may be. If I stay down and defeated, then I've allowed myself to be a victim to my circumstances... I must be victorious...To me, that simply means NEVER, NEVER, NEVER giving up...

"Unwritten"

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined

I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh I break tradition,

sometimes my tries, are outside the lines

We've been conditioned to not make mistakes,

but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

V DAY

Today is V Day for me... Not Valentines as most are celebrating...But My Veterans Day! I am a Veteran of love. I've done it and done it and done it. Obviously something is not quite right. I am 35 and am still searching.

In spite of this, there is no bitterness in me. I am grateful for my experiences and for those I have loved - those of late anyway; the ones that have been good to me...the ones that love me to the very best of their ability. As my precious Glo taught me (and my faithful readers will get tired of hearing me say this), people can't give you what they don't have. I do not fault those who haven't given me all that I needed. My heart is big and I give much; therefore, I presume I expect much.

In college I used to dress in black on Valentine's day. I used to joke about wearing a heart with the international symbol for no through it. In truth, I was just hurting because I was alone and lonely. I won't say that my newfound singleness doesn't have it's moments of loneliness. Most of the time I'm so busy I don't have time to be lonely. I have so much perfecting in me that needs to be done that I have been a warrior at perfecting my health and my wholeness. It's a big job! Maybe when I accomplish my goals I will be ready for my warrior with a heart ready to give me what I need.

This Love Veteran is grateful for the love I do have in my life today. My friends, my family, my precious niece, and my guy friends who can pick up the slack when I need a little attention. I am blessed and I am grateful...even today!

Plans and Providence

I have been affilitated with the Presbyterians the past couple of years. I have loved their theology but haven't delved too much into it. A part of me has just known that what they believe makes sense.

They teach a lot about providence. I've known vaguely what that meant; but never have really applied it to my life personally. I have started attending a Pres. Bible study and last night something hit me straight between the eyes.

"God makes plans and man makes plans. But God's plans supercede man's plans".

Certain parts of my past just made sense when I heard that. I am grateful.

Things I've learned

2/7/06

*People can't give you what they don't have (thanks Glo)

*Sometimes "good enough" is enough (Thanks DKP)

*You can't get all your needs met from one person

*Sometimes even healthy relationships don't work out

*Titles/labels are just words to describe something - we shouldn't be afraid of a word

*Thinking can't tell feeling what to do (Thanks DCD)

*We must relax and trust the process of growth - God will bring us where He wants us to be. We can't make it happen.

*Individuals choose whether they grow or not. No matter what we do, we cannot make someone else change. We all make our own choices.

*When you don't know what else to do, just breathe.

Life Goes On

Many changes have taken place in the recent weeks. JB and I have parted ways. Ending relationships is never easy but at times it must happen. Sometimes you can love someone and it just not be right. In many ways, I feel like our relationship was severely damaged by Katrina. We just haven't been the same since. I am proud to say, however, that it ended as mature adults, in a very healthy manner. I still care deeply for him and always will.

I am on the road to recovery in many ways. I have been taking good care of myself, physically, emotionally and hope to soon tackle the spiritual part of me. I feel as if I've been treading water for a long, long, long time. I am now moving on, to a more healthy, productive place. I am learning what life is really about and how to actually LIVE rather than simply survive. I prayed several months ago that God would do a miracle in me and I believe the miracle is taking place. I am grateful for the help of others that has brought me to this place.

I believe that God has good things in store for me. My hope is that I will continue to focus on my health, my schooling, my goals; that I will be very purposeful and directed in the things that I do. That I will not become distracted by temptations. That I will become all that I was created to be. I don't want to settle in life any longer; but want all the best.