Halloween Me - Courtesy of Tracy

Another pic of Landon with his sweet mama

Tracy and Landon

A Breath of Fresh Air

I feel like a new woman today. My sweetheart is off today; what perfect timing. "Providential" as the some would say. His electricity was turned on and he is out shopping for his new home. I wish I could be with him!

I got to see the trailer yesterday. I was suprised at how nice it is. It's rather generic-looking (as are the other 49 or so FEMA trailers next to it), but he will be able to fix it up nicely. The furniture in it is really, really nice.

I am so relieved that my sweet man has been provided for. Thank you, Jehovah Jireh, our provider.

'And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh;

(that is, The Lord will provide).'- Genesis 22:14.

As these two, Abraham and Isaac, were travelling up the hill, the son bearing the wood, and the father with the sad burden of the fire and the knife, the boy said: 'Where is the lamb?' and Abraham, thrusting down his emotion and steadying his voice, said: 'My son, God will provide Himself a lamb.' When the wonderful issue of the trial was plain before him, and he looked back upon it, the one thought that rose in his mind was of how, beyond his meaning, his words had been true. So he named that place by a name that spoke nothing of his trial, but everything of God's provision--

'The Lord will see,' or 'The Lord will provide.'

Halllelu! FEMA came through!

Bf has a home!!! He called today from work and said that FEMA had called him and told him to meet him at a mobile home park in Gulfport. He now has keys to his own mobile home! It's a three bedroom, brand new, furnished mobile home. He can live in it, rent free, for 18 months. How fabulous is that!?!? God has provided through FEMA and through our tax dollars. I am so grateful. My sweetheart has been provided for. I will sleep peacefully tonight... Thank you all for your prayers...

Dr. Laura - his stress is not my stress

I'm taking a break from my studies of dermatology (blech!) to write about an episode I listened to the other day on Dr. Laura. The woman is very controversial, for sure. I'm sure that most people either love her or hate her. I like her non-emotional approach ("stroking" people in need seems to waste a lot of time - and doesn't encourage change, I don't think); however, being a caring, emotional, empathetic person, I think her approach is a tad harsh at times.

I was very interested in a conversation she had with a young girl on air the other day. She called in stating that she'd had a lot of stress in her life. She reported that she was 19, a newlywed, and her husband was overseas with the military. He'd gotten hurt and didn't know what was going to happen with his career. Dr. Laura replied with, "you've told me about his stress, what is yours?"... the young girl proceeded to talk about her brother who was a newlywed and having marital problems. Again, Dr. Laura stated, "that's your brother's stress..what's yours?" She went on to say that in her experiences with counseling, that most people had a lot of stress in their lives, but it was not their own. They were spending a lot of time worrying about other people's problems. How close to home is that for me? I've told people lately that I feel as if I'm the one who lost my home because I care for my bf so much. But I suppose I'm not doing him any favors allowing it to get me down. I'm certainly not doing myself any favors.

I wonder how this plays in with people that are married. What I mean by that is, I know that boundaries are important in marriage. However, the two DO become one, right? This young 19 year old girl was married. Whatever happened to her husbands career would affect her too...

I know that I've let myself go a lot...have not done the things that I was doing before all this happened. I know that's not healthy. I know my boundaries have been meshed, and that's not good.

Anyone have thoughts on Dr. Laura? I enjoy listening to her and become stronger; empowered, I think... She does need a tad more compassion, though...

Guilty Pleasures

Does anyone else have guilty pleasures? (In searching about guilty pleasures on google, I actually found a book with this title: The Encyclopedia of Guilty Pleasures: 1,001 Things You Hate to Love by Sam Stall, Lou Harry and Julia Spalding). A guilty pleasure is something that you enjoy that you feel as if you shouldn't. Well, my latest guilty pleasure is FX's hit show Nip Tuck. How can you look at these men photographed here and not be interested in this show??? (Ok, so men with pretty faces are another guilty pleasure)

Here is a brief synopsis for you:

Nip/Tuck (premiered July 22, 2003) is an American drama television series created by Ryan Murphy for FX Networks. It follows the lives of two Miami plastic surgeons, Sean McNamara (Dylan Walsh) and Christian Troy (Julian McMahon), as their lives fall apart under the stress of greed, envy, lust and crime. The show, while not strictly a soap opera, has some story arcs. In its debut season, Nip/Tuck was the highest-rated new series on basic cable, and the highest rated basic cable series of all for the 18-49 and 25-54 age demographics. The first season averaged about 3.25 million viewers an episode, and was released on DVD in the US on June 15, 2004. The second season averaged about 3.8 million viewers per episode, and was released on DVD in the US on August 30, 2005.

In 2005, Nip/Tuck won the Golden Globe for Best Drama Series. The third season debuted in the U.S. on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 and debuted in the UK on October 16, 2005.

I have this show recorded regularly on TiVO. I had about 15 episodes recorded and my sweetheart and I would watch several at a time. Now, I've watched all the old episodes and am caught up with the current season. This is so frustrating because I have to wait a whole week to catch the new episode! Last night was a great episode. Any other Nip/Tuck fans? Anyone else with guilty pleasures?

Tracy's son

This is my friend Tracy's son. Isn't he precious?

His is a CHUNK!

I love this photo of him.

Life Goes On

I remember in 1991 I went through a painful breakup. I barely ate for a week (and thus lost 10 pounds that week) and was horribly depressed. I remember watching people around me; friends, family, co-workers; even strangers in the mall, those driving past me. I remember thinking, "how can they be so happy"... It was odd to see people living "like normal" when I sure as heck wasn't. I realized how so many people might feel like that; after a loss of a loved one, or during other times of grief. Grief is often a lonely thing. Sometimes people understand what you're going through, but it's rarely at the same level, at the same time. Even two parents who lose a child grieve in different ways, I'm sure.

My sweetheart and I both grieve; on different levels for sure. I didn't lose my home and everything I own (although I did lose practically every sentimental thing I owned prior to 2000 due to the irresponsibility of my sorry ex-husband who didn't pay the storage rental bill and didn't tell me about it until everything had been auctioned off). I know what grief and loss is like. I grieve now because I love him so intensely and I cannot stand to see him hurting. I hurt because he hurts. But I'm sure even that grief is not like his. So therefore, we both grieve alone to some degree.

I presume the only remedy is time. Only time will allow the grief to subside. Only in time will he find housing, and little by little, replace his belongings.

Have you ever noticed that with time, though, that people forget? We said we'd "never forget" 9/11. But haven't we? We don't grieve like we did then. Sure it was a huge tragedy but it doesn't impact us like it did then. Of course, much of that is normal. However, it's difficult when people are still going through difficulties and those around them don't seem to understand the gravity of it.

My love STILL doesn't have housing. He is STILL homeless. He's still with my family and has been for 43 days. I am so grateful for my parents' hospitality. I presume they're ready for their house back, though. So what happens to him? He's thinking of spending some time with his family in Mobile. He's gravitated towards us for some reason, and for that I am grateful. I pray that his heart has been nourished during this time. Someone said recently, "other people have moved on, why can't he?".... comments like that make me see that people just don't understand the gravity of the situation we are in. There is NO HOUSING. I've looked online and there are some people that will allow strangers to come into their home for refuge. (One person I talked to said that her 15 year old son wanted to give up his bedroom so someone would have a home. How touching is that??) However, how difficult is it for those who have lost everything to move into someone else's home, that they don't even know, and lose something else of value: their privacy; their independence.... Sure, those that are on the street would be so grateful, I'm sure... anyway, I'm rambling...

A frustration of mine is FEMA...(the Flawed Emergency Management Agency)..Now don't get me wrong. They do great work. Many have received much needed assistance from them. But they are unorganized and it seems to me, clueless about most victims of the storm. I know people who are in homes that are untouched that have received close to $5000, yet my bf is still homeless. I know people who have gotten money, who had no damage, were not out of work, etc. People are frauding the Federal Government and it IRRITATES ME. Fema has given my bf money for rental assistance. But let me ask you this... What good does rental assistance money do you if there is no where to rent???

My emotions are up and down... I've had to seek further medicinal support during this time of stress and grief. One thing that I love about my sweetheart is that he expresses him emotions and does not stuff them like a lot of men do. The downside of this, though, is that I see his feelings. Last night he didn't even speak a word and I could see the sadness in his eyes. Being the empathetic person that I am, I hurt with him.

I've let myself go in a lot of ways, though, in these days since the storm; I'm trying to be better about that. I've started back to studying. I've actually really enjoyed my studies as of late. I guess it's been a refuge for me in some ways...

I'm feeling particularly eager to write today.. not sure why... anyway, many people know that I've struggled a lot spiritually since my marriage. One day I will have to write that whole story out (of course, my spiritual story and my marriage story are two completely different novels all together) :) I continue to struggle spiritually, even now though, amidst this difficult time. It's so hard when people say to "just trust God"... I guess, honestly, it's not the trusting God part that bothers me, but the people that say that to me. It makes me feel that they truly don't understand grief and hurting; as if to say, "just trust God and the hurt will go away"... I know first hand that this is NOT true.. There are NO guarantees. As the Bible says, the rain falls on the just and the unjust. I have a hard, hard time sorting that out. People say if you do the right thing, you'll be blessed for it. But I also know firsthand, that's not always true.

I've learned about pain and sorrow and grief in the past few years in a way I'd never experienced it before. I've learned more, spiritually too, I guess... I've learned experientially, rather than through book knowledge. Seminary sure doesn't teach you the types of things I've lived through. Nothing in a book teaches you this stuff...

Ok, I'm rambling now... I've added some photos below. Some of of our precious dogs. Pepper is our family dog that we've had for a year or so. Pedro is my sweetheart's dog and has been with us since the storm as well. They are so terribly funny together. I will close with this story of Pedro and Pepper's adventures.

Pepper has a serious naughty streak in him. He loves to sneak around and do things he knows he's not supposed to do. One thing in particular, is to get the towel that he sleeps on from his kennel and chew on it. The place where he does this, is in the formal dining room, underneath the table (usually with the lights off). If we haven't seen or heard Pepper in a while, it means he is in there doing something he's not supposed to. I've named the Dining Room the "naughty room" for this reason.

Last night, I hadn't heard or seen Pepper or Pedro in a while. I went into the "naughty room" and sure enough, Pepper was in there with his towel. I glanced to my left in the dining room, and there was Pedro... He had taken his towel from his cage and was chewing on it as well!!! If you knew their personalities, you'd know how funny this is. Pepper is very aggressive (but still very sweet) and Pedro is very passive. The whole thing reminded me of a little brother that imitated his big brother because he wanted to be just like him! Too funny...

Stories like this keep me going... Thank you God, for the small things...

Pep & Pedro...

Pepper

Pedro

letting go
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Abraham/Isaac
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letting go
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letting go
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maker of love

help me to love with boundaries;
to not try to do what only you alone can do
i cannot move mountains
i cannot move souls
that is yours
and yours alone

help me to know when to speak
when to touch
and when to refrain;
when to ignite
when to withdraw

please do what only you can do
and empower me to do what I must
teach me what I must not do
show me what I must

elighten and encourage
enflame
ignite
empassion
draw
combust within us
do what only you can

we are but dust
you are everything

help me to love from a distance
when I must
step away when it's needed
help me to not love TOO much
help me not to smother

help me to empower
and encourage
to nurture
to love
only as much as needed
not too much
and definitely not too little
show me how to live
that which is just right

for that is something
that can only come from you

oh maker of love