Peaceful photo of couple
Posted by Picasa

Heaviness

I feel a heaviness setting in. I feel like the world is sitting on my chest. I don't think I've ever loved the way I love my sweetheart. He is having such a hard time and I think I feel every pain. Maybe this is an issue of boundaries. I can't fix him. I can't heal him. I can't ease his burdens. I can try to make life easier for him. I can do my best to make him smile and laugh. But I cannot fix him. I sure wish I could. But we are all only responsible for ourselves.

God, will you please give him a place to live? Will you lighten his load? Will you lighten mine? Our lives have been turned upside down. Become our center and show us just how much we need you. Draw us closer to yourself. Be our strength. Please give him peace and rest. Provide for his every need - internally and externally.

Life goes on... difficult as it can be...

'I was once like you'

The following are reprinted from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, which has been running some pretty amazing first-hand accounts of Katrina in their Page Two column, “The Morning File.”

‘I was once like you’

From Howard Luna,
who wrote this in church the first Sunday after Katrina.

I was once like you.
I had a home, a community, a church.
I was once like you.
I had family and friends close by.
I was once like you.
I said that I would donate money and volunteer time but never did.
I was once like you.
I had a job, financial security, cars, boats, etc.
But no more, I am not like you.
I am happy that friends and family are not close by because I know that they are safe.
I am not like you.
I cry tears of joy when friends and family leave
knowing that they are one step closer to going home.
I am not like you.
I left home, not by choice but by the hand of GOD.
Who am I
I know that home is where my wife and kids are.
Who am I
I am a person who will give more, volunteer more
and open my home to anyone in need without reservation.
Who am I I am a person who has seen more angels in the past two weeks
then a thousand people will see in a lifetime.
Who am I
I am a displaced person to some, a refugee to others.
Who am I
I’m a person that just wants to go home.

Some fluff removed

I've been thinking of my blog; of writing, of documenting my life and who I am. I often think of different things to write during the day, sometimes when I'm lying in bed attempting to sleep. I entitled my blog "Traci's Truth" because being real is so important to me. I do not enjoy facades/pretending; I try to be an example of one of emotional integrity.

Several months ago I felt like my blog was "too intense" and therefore searched the internet for fun quizzes, photos, etc. to "lighten" up my blog. I realized last night that my "intense" blogs just encapsulate who I am. That was my "truth" at the time. And shying around this and trying to be something I'm not is opposite of what I'm trying to do. Therefore, I removed some of the "fluff". It was silly and junior-highish, so I'm sure it will not be missed! (I did, however, leave "What Napoleon Dynamite character are you" simply because I love that movie so much)...

Have a blessed day!

An Adult Child Living with Adult Parents

I have been so grateful for my sweet parents. They took me in over three years ago after my divorce and I remain under their roof! We have developed closer relationships and I do really enjoy their companionship. They have also been so gracious to take my love in their home these past few weeks and have treated him like family. My parents are wonderful, precious people. I adore them and thank God for them.

I have had a few struggles while living at home with being an adult and living with my adult parents. I know that many adults living at home would struggle with the same - and the parents struggle, too. There are conflicts of interest, conflicts of opinions, etc. My parents raised me with strong values and morals (a conservative Southern Baptist home). They did a wonderful job of raising my siblings and myself. I have, however, over the past couple of years developed a sense of individuality; straying somewhat. Not rebelling, not turning away; but defining who I am and what I believe - apart from mom and dad, apart from the church, etc. The past few years have been invaluable. I have a strong identity and a strong sense of self. I have a confidence in who I am and what I believe that I never had before. The past few years have been priceless.

My parents have had difficulty, however, particularly my mother, with seeing me live differently than they; differently from the way they raised me (these are very tiny differences, mind you). Now, I've never been a parent. But I imagine it would be tremendously difficult to see your children live differently than how you'd hope they would; to "let them go" in a sense. My bet is that the majority of parents struggle with this.

I had to have a semi-confrontation recently. I had to take a stand and set a boundary and it was somewhat difficult. I think my mother had an even harder time with it. I had to say, "I've got to be who I think I need to be". It's been so easy for me over the past couple of years to simply hide the differences - to try to camouflage as much as possible; so as to not rock the boat, or not hurt my precious parents. I came to realize, however, that this was not helping them, or me. I cannot hide from the world. There's no need for me to flaunt that I am different, but there's no shame in it either. I am who I am, as Popeye says. If I am confident and self-assure, then there is no need to hide in the decisions that I make.

This has been a growing period. I have learned much. I pray that I will always be gracious and honorable, yet true to myself. I pray that I will continue to do soul searching; to not cower in my decisions. I pray that I will be brave. I pray that I will be an example to others about developing a sense of identity. To truly examine what you know and what you believe and decide if it is YOURS. To not simply blend in because it's what you know, or because it's comfortable.

Natchez, MS

What a delightful getaway we had! We spent the weekend in historic Natchez, MS and had such a great time. I stayed in the 1888 Wensel House Bed and Breakfast (http://www.1888wenselhouse.com/). The owners were so delightful. The other residents of the home were people from LA displaced by Katrina. We'd all sit around at breakfast and exchange stories. Everyone has been affected in some way during the storm.

Friday night we ate at Pearl Street Pasta. The atmostphere was amazing, the food great, but the service was HORRIBLE. The place had been recommended to me by many, so I know they were certainly just having a bad night. We ordered a bottle of White Zinfendel (the last bottle they had) and she cracked it trying to open it!! We received our salads an hour and a half after we placed our order. She asked us "what did you order again?" at that time... We knew we were in trouble then!! The food was good.. It was just disheartening having to spend the amount we did with the service we received. Anyway, on to more delightful things!

My sweetie has been enjoying cigars as of late, so we were able to find a tobacco store with a walk in humidor and he found some good things...

Saturday we had a busy, busy, day. We went to the Natchez welcome center, toured Longwood plantation which was amazing (photo listed above), ate at Fat Mama's tamales (the most amazing margaritas on the planet (http://www.fatmamastamales.com/order.html), went to a very quaint bookstore (Turning Pages), visited the famous Darby's and bought some wonderful fudge (http://www.darbysfudge.com/Fudge%20Tales.htm) , this amazing gourmet pet store (Fydeaux - we were probably there 45 minutes just talking to the owners. They were such neat people http://www.fydeauxspetco.com/dishes.htm), toured the William Johnson museum (so very interesting;Natchez is full of neat history. Johnson was a free man of color who was very wealthy. He lent money to the banks of Natchez! Interestingly, he had his own slaves. He kept a diary, which I think I'd love to read). (http://www.natchez.ms.us/custom/webpage.cfm?content=News&id=39)

That evening we ate at Pig Out Barbecue which was wonderful. We sat at Slough Daddy's outdoor restaurant/pub and listened to some live music and then took a carriage ride around down. That was absolutely delightful. It was just the two of us, the evening was very pleasant, and the driver knew so many neat little facts about Natchez and its history. Below is one of the stories he told us.

There was a man that owned a pub. He had an elephant that only paying customers could see, to attract business. A couple of customers thought it would be interesting to see what would happen if the elephant was drunk so they brought buckets of ale out for it to drink. The elephant became out of control, broke down the fence and was tearing through the neighborhood. They eventually had to kill it to cease the destruction. Our tour guide said, "Now, I wasn't there, so I don't know if it's true or not; but I will tell you there is a law in Natchez that says you cannot give alcohol to
an elephant". We thought that was rather humorous.

Sunday we went and looked out at the Mississippi River a while. We then took a drive through the historic Cemetary in Natchez. It was amazing to see these tombstones that were over a century old. It was beautiful and peaceful out there. We also drove through the Natchez National Cemetary. There were dozens upon dozens of unknown soldiers' graves.

On the way home we stopped and my brother's and I was able to visit with them, my sis and my precious niece! She is growing up so fast.

Ok - our wonderful weekend has been shared with you! We took some photos; unfortunately I do not have a digital camera yet, so I'll have to wait until they are developed to share them with all (and I am HORRIBLE about procrastinating and getting photos developed - hopefully these will be done quickly).

We had a delightful time in Natchez and I hope we can go back soon. There were so many things we wanted to do, but just didn't have the time or energy to do them. Hope you can go visit too! Natchez is a delightful, interesting, friendly town.

Update and getting away!

JS and I are getting away this weekend! I absolutely cannot wait! I'm going to leave tragedy behind and forget about crisis for a while. We both have been so stressed out. A break is much needed.

My love is feeling displaced - very understandably so. So many people have commented on those that have lost everything and have said, "well they are only temporary possessions". That is true. However, losing your home is so much more than that. It is work to build up a home; years of saving and preparing. Home is your refuge. Home is where you keep the things precious to you; many that can never be replaced. JS lost his childhood desk, his baby blanket, his son's baby blanket, some antiques, his grandfather's watch, numerous photos, etc. These items can never be replaced. His home, more than anything, was "his". A place he could always go and feel safe. A place to "put his stuff". I've stayed with others for an extended period of time and I know how hard it is to not have anywhere to "put your stuff"! Living out of suitcase is hard. It's also hard when you do your best to respect the wishes of the people you're staying with - even when your habits can be so different.

Will you pray for us if you think about it? More JS, than me... but you know what? I have never loved the way I love JS. I hurt so much when he hurts. I update so reguarly about him, because I feel like these things are happening to me. He is such a precious man. My deepest prayer for him is peace and rest and stability. I pray that he will find a home soon - even if it is only a temporary place; someplace that is his very own.

I hope to get some more photos of him and of us together while we are both at mom and dad's. I want you all to see more of this sweet man that I adore so.

Peace and love to you all -

Tuesday's Truth

• I'm tired - although I did get good sleep last night
• My heart breaks for JS and all the other losses around us
• My heart aches for my brother and sister-in-law for recent painful struggles they are facing
• I hurt for Randy - a temp janitor helping us at the church, who lost his 10-year-old daughter during Katrina - a tree fell on their trailer and broker her neck. Is there anything more sad???
• Life can be so very hard sometimes
• I pray for my sis as she interviews at a job fair for teachers in St. Charles parish today
• God is drawing me nearer to himself as a result of recent tragedies
• I pray he does the same for JS and all other affected by these tragedies
• I need to get back on the ball with my eating, exercise and studying - getting out of my routine always messes me up - I wish I didn't struggle with these things so
• Work is CRAZY as we are serving the community with relief efforts
• My car is clean and that makes me feel good!
• I do so enjoy these days with my dearheart
• His biggest need right now is temporary housing - preferably on the Coast, if not in Hattiesburg. This commute is wearing him down I think. He had to leave at 4:30 this morning... ugh... He needs his own space.
• My sis received relief money from FEMA... PTL!
• A friend recently sent me an email and said that we shouldn't accept government money - because it's not willingly given. I understand this point - many abuse the system - but for people who live paycheck to paycheck, pay taxes, are hardworking citizens, this government money comes in so helpful.
• I haven't taught piano lesson one this month. Everyone's schedule is completely off due to Katrina.
• I'm so grateful for my friends who have been so kind during all this. I am blessed.
• I guess that's it for now. I'm so tired. More coffee is needed.

September 11, 2001

It's odd to realize that another major catastrophe happened on this day four years ago. We have been so caught up in what is going on now that I guess it's easy to forget what happened back then. Life can be so hard. When I was younger I didn't have a clue what life could be like. However, I guess no American before Sept. 11, 2001 or August 29, 2005 could fathom the death and destruction that could take place in our nation. Lord help us.

9/11

A day of rest

We have enjoyed a day of rest today. My sis has left us for a couple of days, so it is just mom and dad, JS and me, Pepper and Pedro. :) Pepper is our dog, a chihuahua pekingese mix and Pedro is J's dog that is 100% chihuahua. We've had a lot of fun with them.

Not too much has happened this weekend. JS and I went to Laurel last night and had dinner with Crystal and Eric and their pastor. That was a refreshing time; just to get away and be with friends. J and I went back to Crystal & Eric's afterwards and played a game. A taste of normalcy: it was lovely.

JS still has moments of being up and down. He's seemed rather down this weekend. I guess grief does come in waves. And I know it will all take time. I am grateful that we've been able to take him into our home and minister to him. I pray that he finds comfort and peace being here.

I've attached photos from J's apartment and Long Beach below.

J's apartment was right in front of the trees

Longwood Apartments, Long Beach, MS

Longwood Apartments, Long Beach, MS

J walking through rubble.

The top floor of a building now in the middle of the road. The orange X is to note that the building has been searched for bodies.

Rubble 2 blocks from J's apartment where we found the photos of his son - untouched.

Several buildings still stood...

Ironically, the first aparment that J lived in is still standing (pictured in this photo). He moved due to flooding. He had an inch of water standing in his apartment several months ago; thus, moved to a new one.

National Guardsmen check passes to get into the area south of the railroad tracks.
Posted by Picasa

Inside J's first apartment - you can tell where the water line was.

The management cannot be found. J wants his deposit back! :)

Doubt any future resident will be parking here.

Long Beach
Posted by Picasa

More Long Beach destruction.
Posted by Picasa

J climbing debris to get to his coworkers house to check on him. No one had heard from him and his car was in front of the house. All had feared the worse. He was later located.

Long Beach

Residents of Long Beach say thank you.

Residents of Long Beach letting others know they are alive and well.

A Hymn in Response to Hurricane Katrina's Impact

A Hymn in Response to Hurricane Katrina's Impact
By Stephen D. Lawton

God of nature, at whose voice the waves and winds must now obey.

Editor's note: This is a hymn offered in response to Hurricane Katrina and the ensuing disasters in the Gulf Coast states, August 29, 2005. Written by Stephen D. Lawton, Director of Music and Worship at Mitchell Road Presbyterian Church in Greenville, S.C. (PCA).

God of Nature, at Whose Voice

God of nature, at whose voice the waves and winds must now obey,
Give your people words of comfort, acts of grace to share today.
Yours the pow’r of devastation, yours to gather, help and heal;
We know not your ways of wisdom; let your light our paths reveal.

Shelter Lord, the homeless, helpless, young and old with pity see,
Give their daily food, supply their needs with perfect equity.
Grant protection, strength and patience to their rescuers, we pray;
Fill with hope the laboring workers, grace to serve both night and day.

Bring your people ever closer, sharing pain of grief and loss,
Motivate us, loving Savior, with the love shown by your cross.
We, your Body, long to serve you, serving others in your name,
And when sorrow washes o’er us, Gracious Spirit, heal the pain.

Call our nation to repentance; gather us that we may see
You’re the God of love and mercy; rescue us and set us free.
Let our deeds announce redemption, saving grace for all our days.
Let your song go forth to cheer us, lifting heart and hands to praise. Amen.

Beach Spring, 87.87.D (Come All Christians Be Committed)
© 2005 Stephen D Lawton, all rights reserved

http://www.byfaithonline.com/

Friday again

Things are progressing and life goes on. The destruction I've seen and tasted is so small compared to what is going on around us. I continue to be heartbroken and simply numb at times - in utter disbelief of what has happened. My head knows that our Lord is in control, but it can be so hard to believe at times.

All of us went to church together this past Sunday. I struggled with something the preacher said, and my father stated later that he did too. The preacher said that God did not cause this storm. I do know that God is not vindictive and that he did not willfully impose destruction upon us (the pastor's point was that we have storms and trials in life due to the fact that sin entered the world). However, who else controls the weather? No one but him. He is the author of it and the One that controls the winds and the waves. So I just have a hard time making sense of all that. I guess it's just one of those things we'll never understand. Someone enlighten me if you have some wisdom to share in this regard.

I continue to be so proud of my sweetheart. He came home from work all smiles yesterday. I think he's finding a sense of camaraderie amongst the guys he's working with. There seems to be a lightheartedness at work - they are providing a cookout today for all the workers (there are very few of them working on the Gulf Coast right now, it seems). I think he's needed this and I'm grateful for it. Someone that came into the plant yesterday said that he never would have expected to see such a happy bunch of guys. He is a survivor and I am proud of him. I am so grateful that he is in my life. I do adore him so.

No telling what this weekend will be like. There has been a curfew in Hattiesburg, and all of us are trying to conserve our funds. It may be a lazy weekend. I gotta get studying! We now have our cable and high speed internet back... There is no excuse now!

Ok, I better quit for now. I'll try to be better about updating this.. Thanks to all of you who are reading and keeping up...

A moment to rejoice

My sister went to her house in Metairie yesterday. They were allowing residents to go in for a brief time to check their offices/homes and remove items. My sis, mom and dad drove to Metairie (an 11.5 hour round trip - they only spent 1 hour in the house. Tells you how much time they spent in the car since it's about 100 miles to Metairie from Hattiesburg). My sister's house is 100% in perfect condition! We are so very grateful. She even had power! She said it was like she had just been gone for the weekend when she returned.

Sis is still praying for direction. Her school where she has been teaching is completely damaged as is her church. She will need to relocate somewhere temporarily until the city is up and running again but she is not sure where she will go.

JS is still staying with us at mom and dad's. He has been able to work at some of the concrete plants on the coast and has been commuting the past couple of days. The drive and gasoline will be tough on him, but I know he's glad to be working again and to be contributing to his home community.

J is hoping for temporary housing - possibly in Hattiesburg until housing is available on the coast. He is certainly grateful for mom and dad opening up their home (and I am certainly treasuring my time with him and the time that he and the family are having time to get to know each other better), but of course, desires a place of his own.

I will try to update my blog more regularly for those of you that would like to keep up. My studying has suffered greatly during all this. I'm hoping that we'll get our high speed internet up and going soon and that I'll be able to tear myself away from J to get some studying done!

Katrina

One view of J's apartment complex (the middle and right building are actually top floors from other buildings that have been placed in the road)

Today is the first day of work after Katrina's fury. It has been a very trying time. Getting back to work is somewhat refreshing - yet a tad difficult, too. My heart has broken because of all the pain and destruction around me and it's hard to go on - living as I did before the devastation.

Yesterday J and I went to Long Beach. We went to find some of his co-workers and to see the plant where he worked. I think he felt a need to get back and connect somewhat. He was able to connect with his supervisor and one other co-worker. The plant is about 50% destroyed. It will be rebuilt.

We got a pass from the Long Beach fire department to go into his neighborhood. I never imagined it would look the way it did. Someone told J, "anything you see on the news, or hear on the radio... it's worse...". There are marks on doors from where they were in each home looking for bodies. We weren't able to decipher the different marks to tell where there were bodies and were there weren't.

We went into what was his apartment complex and the stench was horrible. We had to climb over two buildings to get to where his apartment was. There is nothing left. For about a square mile, there is nothing but concrete slabs and debris...and silence. The silence was eerie. That was once such a noisy place - and now you could hear the waves from the Gulf a block away.

We were walking slowly, looking through debris two blocks from where J's apartment was. I looked down and saw a perfectly in-tact photo of his son. It was amazing. We found what looked like a suitcase of his in the same location. He opened it up and there was a receipt from when he stayed in a hotel back in June. Those were the only items he took away with him; the photo and the receipt. He was able to find the exact location of his apartment and could find nothing (although his son's toilet was still attached to the floor....pretty interesting).

My heart is heavy. Not for how this storm has affected me; but for how it's affected everyone else. I guess I've watched too much of the news. I see these children without their parents, and think of the thousands and thousands of people who are now homeless; the ones who don't know where their loved ones are. I know I'm one of the blessed. But I hurt for those that aren't so blessed.

I saw a sign yesterday spray painted outside of someone's home. It said: "By the grace of God, the south shall rise again." I pray that it will; I know it will only be by the grace and help of God.