letting go
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My WLS Journey slideshow
03 October 2005
maker of love
help me to love with boundaries;
to not try to do what only you alone can do
i cannot move mountains
i cannot move souls
that is yours
and yours alone
help me to know when to speak
when to touch
and when to refrain;
when to ignite
when to withdraw
please do what only you can do
and empower me to do what I must
teach me what I must not do
show me what I must
elighten and encourage
enflame
ignite
empassion
draw
combust within us
do what only you can
we are but dust
you are everything
help me to love from a distance
when I must
step away when it's needed
help me to not love TOO much
help me not to smother
help me to empower
and encourage
to nurture
to love
only as much as needed
not too much
and definitely not too little
show me how to live
that which is just right
for that is something
that can only come from you
oh maker of love
to not try to do what only you alone can do
i cannot move mountains
i cannot move souls
that is yours
and yours alone
help me to know when to speak
when to touch
and when to refrain;
when to ignite
when to withdraw
please do what only you can do
and empower me to do what I must
teach me what I must not do
show me what I must
elighten and encourage
enflame
ignite
empassion
draw
combust within us
do what only you can
we are but dust
you are everything
help me to love from a distance
when I must
step away when it's needed
help me to not love TOO much
help me not to smother
help me to empower
and encourage
to nurture
to love
only as much as needed
not too much
and definitely not too little
show me how to live
that which is just right
for that is something
that can only come from you
oh maker of love
29 September 2005
Heaviness
I feel a heaviness setting in. I feel like the world is sitting on my chest. I don't think I've ever loved the way I love my sweetheart. He is having such a hard time and I think I feel every pain. Maybe this is an issue of boundaries. I can't fix him. I can't heal him. I can't ease his burdens. I can try to make life easier for him. I can do my best to make him smile and laugh. But I cannot fix him. I sure wish I could. But we are all only responsible for ourselves.
God, will you please give him a place to live? Will you lighten his load? Will you lighten mine? Our lives have been turned upside down. Become our center and show us just how much we need you. Draw us closer to yourself. Be our strength. Please give him peace and rest. Provide for his every need - internally and externally.
Life goes on... difficult as it can be...
God, will you please give him a place to live? Will you lighten his load? Will you lighten mine? Our lives have been turned upside down. Become our center and show us just how much we need you. Draw us closer to yourself. Be our strength. Please give him peace and rest. Provide for his every need - internally and externally.
Life goes on... difficult as it can be...
28 September 2005
'I was once like you'
The following are reprinted from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, which has been running some pretty amazing first-hand accounts of Katrina in their Page Two column, “The Morning File.”
‘I was once like you’
From Howard Luna,
who wrote this in church the first Sunday after Katrina.
I was once like you.
I had a home, a community, a church.
I was once like you.
I had family and friends close by.
I was once like you.
I said that I would donate money and volunteer time but never did.
I was once like you.
I had a job, financial security, cars, boats, etc.
But no more, I am not like you.
I am happy that friends and family are not close by because I know that they are safe.
I am not like you.
I cry tears of joy when friends and family leave
knowing that they are one step closer to going home.
I am not like you.
I left home, not by choice but by the hand of GOD.
Who am I
I know that home is where my wife and kids are.
Who am I
I am a person who will give more, volunteer more
and open my home to anyone in need without reservation.
Who am I I am a person who has seen more angels in the past two weeks
then a thousand people will see in a lifetime.
Who am I
I am a displaced person to some, a refugee to others.
Who am I
I’m a person that just wants to go home.
‘I was once like you’
From Howard Luna,
who wrote this in church the first Sunday after Katrina.
I was once like you.
I had a home, a community, a church.
I was once like you.
I had family and friends close by.
I was once like you.
I said that I would donate money and volunteer time but never did.
I was once like you.
I had a job, financial security, cars, boats, etc.
But no more, I am not like you.
I am happy that friends and family are not close by because I know that they are safe.
I am not like you.
I cry tears of joy when friends and family leave
knowing that they are one step closer to going home.
I am not like you.
I left home, not by choice but by the hand of GOD.
Who am I
I know that home is where my wife and kids are.
Who am I
I am a person who will give more, volunteer more
and open my home to anyone in need without reservation.
Who am I I am a person who has seen more angels in the past two weeks
then a thousand people will see in a lifetime.
Who am I
I am a displaced person to some, a refugee to others.
Who am I
I’m a person that just wants to go home.
21 September 2005
Some fluff removed
I've been thinking of my blog; of writing, of documenting my life and who I am. I often think of different things to write during the day, sometimes when I'm lying in bed attempting to sleep. I entitled my blog "Traci's Truth" because being real is so important to me. I do not enjoy facades/pretending; I try to be an example of one of emotional integrity.
Several months ago I felt like my blog was "too intense" and therefore searched the internet for fun quizzes, photos, etc. to "lighten" up my blog. I realized last night that my "intense" blogs just encapsulate who I am. That was my "truth" at the time. And shying around this and trying to be something I'm not is opposite of what I'm trying to do. Therefore, I removed some of the "fluff". It was silly and junior-highish, so I'm sure it will not be missed! (I did, however, leave "What Napoleon Dynamite character are you" simply because I love that movie so much)...
Have a blessed day!
Several months ago I felt like my blog was "too intense" and therefore searched the internet for fun quizzes, photos, etc. to "lighten" up my blog. I realized last night that my "intense" blogs just encapsulate who I am. That was my "truth" at the time. And shying around this and trying to be something I'm not is opposite of what I'm trying to do. Therefore, I removed some of the "fluff". It was silly and junior-highish, so I'm sure it will not be missed! (I did, however, leave "What Napoleon Dynamite character are you" simply because I love that movie so much)...
Have a blessed day!
20 September 2005
An Adult Child Living with Adult Parents
I have been so grateful for my sweet parents. They took me in over three years ago after my divorce and I remain under their roof! We have developed closer relationships and I do really enjoy their companionship. They have also been so gracious to take my love in their home these past few weeks and have treated him like family. My parents are wonderful, precious people. I adore them and thank God for them.
I have had a few struggles while living at home with being an adult and living with my adult parents. I know that many adults living at home would struggle with the same - and the parents struggle, too. There are conflicts of interest, conflicts of opinions, etc. My parents raised me with strong values and morals (a conservative Southern Baptist home). They did a wonderful job of raising my siblings and myself. I have, however, over the past couple of years developed a sense of individuality; straying somewhat. Not rebelling, not turning away; but defining who I am and what I believe - apart from mom and dad, apart from the church, etc. The past few years have been invaluable. I have a strong identity and a strong sense of self. I have a confidence in who I am and what I believe that I never had before. The past few years have been priceless.
My parents have had difficulty, however, particularly my mother, with seeing me live differently than they; differently from the way they raised me (these are very tiny differences, mind you). Now, I've never been a parent. But I imagine it would be tremendously difficult to see your children live differently than how you'd hope they would; to "let them go" in a sense. My bet is that the majority of parents struggle with this.
I had to have a semi-confrontation recently. I had to take a stand and set a boundary and it was somewhat difficult. I think my mother had an even harder time with it. I had to say, "I've got to be who I think I need to be". It's been so easy for me over the past couple of years to simply hide the differences - to try to camouflage as much as possible; so as to not rock the boat, or not hurt my precious parents. I came to realize, however, that this was not helping them, or me. I cannot hide from the world. There's no need for me to flaunt that I am different, but there's no shame in it either. I am who I am, as Popeye says. If I am confident and self-assure, then there is no need to hide in the decisions that I make.
This has been a growing period. I have learned much. I pray that I will always be gracious and honorable, yet true to myself. I pray that I will continue to do soul searching; to not cower in my decisions. I pray that I will be brave. I pray that I will be an example to others about developing a sense of identity. To truly examine what you know and what you believe and decide if it is YOURS. To not simply blend in because it's what you know, or because it's comfortable.
I have had a few struggles while living at home with being an adult and living with my adult parents. I know that many adults living at home would struggle with the same - and the parents struggle, too. There are conflicts of interest, conflicts of opinions, etc. My parents raised me with strong values and morals (a conservative Southern Baptist home). They did a wonderful job of raising my siblings and myself. I have, however, over the past couple of years developed a sense of individuality; straying somewhat. Not rebelling, not turning away; but defining who I am and what I believe - apart from mom and dad, apart from the church, etc. The past few years have been invaluable. I have a strong identity and a strong sense of self. I have a confidence in who I am and what I believe that I never had before. The past few years have been priceless.
My parents have had difficulty, however, particularly my mother, with seeing me live differently than they; differently from the way they raised me (these are very tiny differences, mind you). Now, I've never been a parent. But I imagine it would be tremendously difficult to see your children live differently than how you'd hope they would; to "let them go" in a sense. My bet is that the majority of parents struggle with this.
I had to have a semi-confrontation recently. I had to take a stand and set a boundary and it was somewhat difficult. I think my mother had an even harder time with it. I had to say, "I've got to be who I think I need to be". It's been so easy for me over the past couple of years to simply hide the differences - to try to camouflage as much as possible; so as to not rock the boat, or not hurt my precious parents. I came to realize, however, that this was not helping them, or me. I cannot hide from the world. There's no need for me to flaunt that I am different, but there's no shame in it either. I am who I am, as Popeye says. If I am confident and self-assure, then there is no need to hide in the decisions that I make.
This has been a growing period. I have learned much. I pray that I will always be gracious and honorable, yet true to myself. I pray that I will continue to do soul searching; to not cower in my decisions. I pray that I will be brave. I pray that I will be an example to others about developing a sense of identity. To truly examine what you know and what you believe and decide if it is YOURS. To not simply blend in because it's what you know, or because it's comfortable.
19 September 2005
Natchez, MS
What a delightful getaway we had! We spent the weekend in historic Natchez, MS and had such a great time. I stayed in the 1888 Wensel House Bed and Breakfast (http://www.1888wenselhouse.com/). The owners were so delightful. The other residents of the home were people from LA displaced by Katrina. We'd all sit around at breakfast and exchange stories. Everyone has been affected in some way during the storm.Friday night we ate at Pearl Street Pasta. The atmostphere was amazing, the food great, but the service was HORRIBLE. The place had been recommended to me by many, so I know they were certainly just having a bad night. We ordered a bottle of White Zinfendel (the last bottle they had) and she cracked it trying to open it!! We received our salads an hour and a half after we placed our order. She asked us "what did you order again?" at that time... We knew we were in trouble then!! The food was good.. It was just disheartening having to spend the amount we did with the service we received. Anyway, on to more delightful things!
My sweetie has been enjoying cigars as of late, so we were able to find a tobacco store with a walk in humidor and he found some good things...
Saturday we had a busy, busy, day. We went to the Natchez welcome center, toured Longwood plantation which was amazing (photo listed above), ate at Fat Mama's tamales (the most amazing margaritas on the planet (http://www.fatmamastamales.com/order.html), went to a very quaint bookstore (Turning Pages), visited the famous Darby's and bought some wonderful fudge (http://www.darbysfudge.com/Fudge%20Tales.htm) , this amazing gourmet pet store (Fydeaux - we were probably there 45 minutes just talking to the owners. They were such neat people http://www.fydeauxspetco.com/dishes.htm), toured the William Johnson museum (so very interesting;Natchez is full of neat history. Johnson was a free man of color who was very wealthy. He lent money to the banks of Natchez! Interestingly, he had his own slaves. He kept a diary, which I think I'd love to read). (http://www.natchez.ms.us/custom/webpage.cfm?content=News&id=39)
That evening we ate at Pig Out Barbecue which was wonderful. We sat at Slough Daddy's outdoor restaurant/pub and listened to some live music and then took a carriage ride around down. That was absolutely delightful. It was just the two of us, the evening was very pleasant, and the driver knew so many neat little facts about Natchez and its history. Below is one of the stories he told us.
There was a man that owned a pub. He had an elephant that only paying customers could see, to attract business. A couple of customers thought it would be interesting to see what would happen if the elephant was drunk so they brought buckets of ale out for it to drink. The elephant became out of control, broke down the fence and was tearing through the neighborhood. They eventually had to kill it to cease the destruction. Our tour guide said, "Now, I wasn't there, so I don't know if it's true or not; but I will tell you there is a law in Natchez that says you cannot give alcohol to
an elephant". We thought that was rather humorous.
Sunday we went and looked out at the Mississippi River a while. We then took a drive through the historic Cemetary in Natchez. It was amazing to see these tombstones that were over a century old. It was beautiful and peaceful out there. We also drove through the Natchez National Cemetary. There were dozens upon dozens of unknown soldiers' graves.
On the way home we stopped and my brother's and I was able to visit with them, my sis and my precious niece! She is growing up so fast.
Ok - our wonderful weekend has been shared with you! We took some photos; unfortunately I do not have a digital camera yet, so I'll have to wait until they are developed to share them with all (and I am HORRIBLE about procrastinating and getting photos developed - hopefully these will be done quickly).
We had a delightful time in Natchez and I hope we can go back soon. There were so many things we wanted to do, but just didn't have the time or energy to do them. Hope you can go visit too! Natchez is a delightful, interesting, friendly town.
15 September 2005
Update and getting away!
JS and I are getting away this weekend! I absolutely cannot wait! I'm going to leave tragedy behind and forget about crisis for a while. We both have been so stressed out. A break is much needed.
My love is feeling displaced - very understandably so. So many people have commented on those that have lost everything and have said, "well they are only temporary possessions". That is true. However, losing your home is so much more than that. It is work to build up a home; years of saving and preparing. Home is your refuge. Home is where you keep the things precious to you; many that can never be replaced. JS lost his childhood desk, his baby blanket, his son's baby blanket, some antiques, his grandfather's watch, numerous photos, etc. These items can never be replaced. His home, more than anything, was "his". A place he could always go and feel safe. A place to "put his stuff". I've stayed with others for an extended period of time and I know how hard it is to not have anywhere to "put your stuff"! Living out of suitcase is hard. It's also hard when you do your best to respect the wishes of the people you're staying with - even when your habits can be so different.
Will you pray for us if you think about it? More JS, than me... but you know what? I have never loved the way I love JS. I hurt so much when he hurts. I update so reguarly about him, because I feel like these things are happening to me. He is such a precious man. My deepest prayer for him is peace and rest and stability. I pray that he will find a home soon - even if it is only a temporary place; someplace that is his very own.
I hope to get some more photos of him and of us together while we are both at mom and dad's. I want you all to see more of this sweet man that I adore so.
Peace and love to you all -
My love is feeling displaced - very understandably so. So many people have commented on those that have lost everything and have said, "well they are only temporary possessions". That is true. However, losing your home is so much more than that. It is work to build up a home; years of saving and preparing. Home is your refuge. Home is where you keep the things precious to you; many that can never be replaced. JS lost his childhood desk, his baby blanket, his son's baby blanket, some antiques, his grandfather's watch, numerous photos, etc. These items can never be replaced. His home, more than anything, was "his". A place he could always go and feel safe. A place to "put his stuff". I've stayed with others for an extended period of time and I know how hard it is to not have anywhere to "put your stuff"! Living out of suitcase is hard. It's also hard when you do your best to respect the wishes of the people you're staying with - even when your habits can be so different.
Will you pray for us if you think about it? More JS, than me... but you know what? I have never loved the way I love JS. I hurt so much when he hurts. I update so reguarly about him, because I feel like these things are happening to me. He is such a precious man. My deepest prayer for him is peace and rest and stability. I pray that he will find a home soon - even if it is only a temporary place; someplace that is his very own.
I hope to get some more photos of him and of us together while we are both at mom and dad's. I want you all to see more of this sweet man that I adore so.
Peace and love to you all -
13 September 2005
Tuesday's Truth
- I'm tired - although I did get good sleep last night
- My heart breaks for JS and all the other losses around us
- My heart aches for my brother and sister-in-law for recent painful struggles they are facing
- I hurt for Randy - a temp janitor helping us at the church, who lost his 10-year-old daughter during Katrina - a tree fell on their trailer and broker her neck. Is there anything more sad???
- Life can be so very hard sometimes
- I pray for my sis as she interviews at a job fair for teachers in St. Charles parish today
- God is drawing me nearer to himself as a result of recent tragedies
- I pray he does the same for JS and all other affected by these tragedies
- I need to get back on the ball with my eating, exercise and studying - getting out of my routine always messes me up - I wish I didn't struggle with these things so
- Work is CRAZY as we are serving the community with relief efforts
- My car is clean and that makes me feel good!
- I do so enjoy these days with my dearheart
- His biggest need right now is temporary housing - preferably on the Coast, if not in Hattiesburg. This commute is wearing him down I think. He had to leave at 4:30 this morning... ugh... He needs his own space.
- My sis received relief money from FEMA... PTL!
- A friend recently sent me an email and said that we shouldn't accept government money - because it's not willingly given. I understand this point - many abuse the system - but for people who live paycheck to paycheck, pay taxes, are hardworking citizens, this government money comes in so helpful.
- I haven't taught piano lesson one this month. Everyone's schedule is completely off due to Katrina.
- I'm so grateful for my friends who have been so kind during all this. I am blessed.
- I guess that's it for now. I'm so tired. More coffee is needed.
11 September 2005
September 11, 2001
It's odd to realize that another major catastrophe happened on this day four years ago. We have been so caught up in what is going on now that I guess it's easy to forget what happened back then. Life can be so hard. When I was younger I didn't have a clue what life could be like. However, I guess no American before Sept. 11, 2001 or August 29, 2005 could fathom the death and destruction that could take place in our nation. Lord help us.
A day of rest
We have enjoyed a day of rest today. My sis has left us for a couple of days, so it is just mom and dad, JS and me, Pepper and Pedro. :) Pepper is our dog, a chihuahua pekingese mix and Pedro is J's dog that is 100% chihuahua. We've had a lot of fun with them.
Not too much has happened this weekend. JS and I went to Laurel last night and had dinner with Crystal and Eric and their pastor. That was a refreshing time; just to get away and be with friends. J and I went back to Crystal & Eric's afterwards and played a game. A taste of normalcy: it was lovely.
JS still has moments of being up and down. He's seemed rather down this weekend. I guess grief does come in waves. And I know it will all take time. I am grateful that we've been able to take him into our home and minister to him. I pray that he finds comfort and peace being here.
I've attached photos from J's apartment and Long Beach below.
Not too much has happened this weekend. JS and I went to Laurel last night and had dinner with Crystal and Eric and their pastor. That was a refreshing time; just to get away and be with friends. J and I went back to Crystal & Eric's afterwards and played a game. A taste of normalcy: it was lovely.
JS still has moments of being up and down. He's seemed rather down this weekend. I guess grief does come in waves. And I know it will all take time. I am grateful that we've been able to take him into our home and minister to him. I pray that he finds comfort and peace being here.
I've attached photos from J's apartment and Long Beach below.
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