TracisTruth

The Sham I Am...Part II

2009-01-14T13:04:00.003-05:00

I initially wrote The Sham I Am after my x-husband passed away..I wrote about how I often hid in my writings, when I usually write and proclaim my truth, because I didn't want things to get back to him. I now find myself doing the same thing.

I know that I am not obligated to share the personal details of my life in this manner. I know that some probably think I'm crazy for proclaiming ANY of my truths...However, it's important to me to be honest; to share with those around me what I'm going through. If my struggles don't encourage others, then what are they for?

Many of you know that my husband and I have been having trouble. I have hid in shame regarding this because this is my second marriage. How humiliating it is for me to have a second marriage failing...But if I am not honest about it, then it is all in vain...

I have particularly been hiding from people that were a part of my life with my first husband. I feel particularly shameful in regards to them. I don't know why...I just feel as if they may be laughing at me.. And maybe I'm too narcissistic to even think that they care. But I do want to say this. I honestly wish that I could call my ex-husband and say, "I know that it wasn't all your fault, and I'm sorry." The problem is that he is no longer on the planet. So I guess I feel that saying things in this manner is a way to get it out. I am sorry. I take responsibility for the errors that were mine.

So, there's my truth folks, and I'm sticking to it. Truth is truth...no matter how pretty or ugly...

Hollywood's Not America

2008-11-18T12:57:00.002-05:00

I don't know if you have heard this song, but I so totally love it. Some part of me relates to it, even though it's about a girl who goes to Hollywood to be a stripper.. Obviously that doesn't apply to me.. But something about it really grabs me. I've tried to evaluate it and figure out what it is. Some of it is just the melody, the guy's voice, and the purity of just being vocals with piano...But I think the biggest part goes deeper than that.

I think many of us tend to get tunnel vision. We get in a situation or life itself just seems too big. This song reminds me that this is not all there is. There is a bigger world...there is so much more out there. So when we are overwhelmed by our stuff, just look outside of it, outside of ourselves, and realize that THIS is not all that is...

If you're so inspired, check out the video below.. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EEUdY_gSjc for my facebook friends)...

Controlling what I can

2008-11-11T20:22:00.002-05:00

I have never really been a huge fan of exercise. Many of you know I walked a half marathon at 300 pounds and have had countless gym memberships. I think I like the idea of exercise more than I like exercise itself. I get in "work-out mode" and work out regularly for a month or two and then eventually quit. I think I may have had a breakthrough recently though in regards to exercise.

My life is crazy lately, and there are so many things out of my control. I can't control the people around me. I can't control how people respond. I can apply for jobs but can't control how fast people reply or what the outcome is. I've been so frustrated as of late as I'm so ready for changes to be made and things to happen, but I'm learning to wait. The most amazing thing has entered my mind lately though.. I CAN control my body! How cool is that?

I went for a walk/jog the other day (I'm learning that I seem to want to downplay what I'm doing.. I've dreamt of being a runner all my life but have trouble calling myself that.. I have to make sure I call it jogging and not running...and have to be sure that I let everyone know that I'm walking too, because I can't jog the whole time.. sheesh..). I had some amazing moments as I was RUNNING and listening to some of my favorite songs on my Mp3 player.. One is the song "Maniac" from Flashdance.. Many of you will remember that video from the 80s.. I have this incredible memory of that chic running in place and sweating her butt off...such a powerful motivator in regards to exercise.. So anyway, I'm RUNNING, and that song comes on.. And it was a POWERFUL moment..The moment I've wished for for so many years.. I'm running and listening to that song with a huge smile on my face...Anyone who saw me probably thought I was crazy...RUNNING gives me such a feeling of power...such an amazing feeling of accomplishment...

Another amazing moment was when I was listening to "This Is My Now" by Jordin Sparks. I've heard that song so many times, and it's never really affected me before, but I literally wept while I was running and listening to that song. This surgery has changed my life and I am standing up for myself. I don't want to settle for mediocrity. I want to life a full life..The song inspired me to rise above the struggles and to claim victory...This is my time! When I get frustrated about my circumstances and things that are out of my control, I can simply get my body moving and release all that tension and say here's what I CAN control...That was such a powerful realization for me...

My thoughts are kind of scattered, and I feel like this is not my best writing.. but I've been wanting to share these thoughts for several days, so there they are friends...

Crying over meatballs

2008-09-25T23:10:00.002-04:00

I swear I really did this tonight. I cried over meatballs. NOW, I will say that I am all kind of hormonal, my sleep schedule has been somewhat messed up, I have a lot on my mind, and I haven't been able to take my anti-depressant in two months that I was doing very well on pre-surgery (that's a whole other post all together)...So, my emotions are all over the map. But, I REALLY cried over meatballs.

The story: I have found, as I've written before, that a lot of my mental struggles over missing food seem to be associated with things that I used to love in my former life. There is one place that delivers to where we live in the boonies, and I used to love to order meatball subs for me and hubby when I didn't feel like cooking. I grew to love them. I had a rough day today and was in no mood to cook, so I decided to order the sandwiches. I knew I couldn't eat the sandwich per say, but I've had good responses to beef as of late, so I figured I could eat some of the meatballs and save the rest for later.

Hubby got home from work and devoured his right away while I was deep into a STAT report for work that I could not get away from. When I finally finished the report, SAM was already in bed watching television. I brought him some SF ice cream and ate my meatballs with him. Whenever I eat something that is exciting, totally tasty, I get this sense of urgency. I feel like I just HAVE to get it in as fast as I can...Memories of doing this pre-surgery come back all the time. What is that about? Why am I in such a hurry? What need does that meet? (ha.. i typed meat..food on my mind much?!!?) SAM mentioned how fast I was eating and that I needed to slow down. (If I eat too fast I throw it up. It happens a lot. But I realize that it mainly happens with foods that I'm excited about.) I immediately began to cry. He said it to me in a very sweet manner, so it's not because of what he said. It's because he was RIGHT. It's because I had this desire to completely ravage this food and I simply cannot do it. I started bawling and said how much I miss food and that I felt like I was in detox. I'M HAVING DTs!!! I took some deep breaths and slowed down and watched TV with him and at the rest of the meatballs slowly. After it was over I was fine. The whole thing just really struck me.

I know that there many who relate to this addiction. I just wish that I could make sense of it. I hope, I pray, that with time this struggle will lessen. I hope that one day I love my new self so much that I'll say "I can't believe I really cried over meatballs!!!"...Even 43 pounds down and 8 weeks out (today!), it's still not enough... I'm still too close to where I used to be and I still miss it like crazy...

What a great doc!

2008-09-19T17:00:00.003-04:00

In listening to a medical transcription today, I encountered a doctor who was so compassionate towards this 320-pound woman. Here are his exact words:

Discussed weight with her at length. Told her that she is not alone in her difficulties with losing weight. Discussed bariatric surgery.

What I love about that is not that he mentioned bariatric surgery, but that he was so compassionate and sympathetic just in these few sentences. I have not had a history of doctors attacking me because of my obesity, but that seems to me to be a common approach. I have had a doctor or two in the past say "now what are we going to do about this weight" (who's WE? )... Or trying to counsel me on wise choices.. Not that those approaches don't work for some.. But for the morbidly obese, it seems quite trite..

I am just grateful for doctors like this. We are not alone in our struggles!!

On plateaus, Flo, and enmeshment...random, I know.

2008-09-15T22:29:00.007-04:00

Hello friends.. I haven't posted in a while..Not because I've been doing poorly but because there really hasn't been anything going on.. I've had other non-WLS issues on my mind I presume..

I'm in the midst of a serious plateau!! Which I guess is important to write about too..And I was reminded tonight that plateaus are healthy.. I promised myself pre-surgery that I was not going to be one of those obsessive people that weighs every day and frets when there's not any weight lost.. Well guess what? I have officially become one of THOSE people...

***ESTROGEN ALERT FOR ANY MALES READING THIS***The nurse practitioner who follows Dr. Hodge's patients told me that my cycle could get all messed up... My cycle is usually very, very short.. (23 days - or has been for the past few years anyway) "Aunt Flo" has been trying to come and visit for weeks and weeks, and I really think that's messed me up.. Losing weight has messed up Flo and Flo has messed up losing weight :) When she finally arrived, it was almost 20 days late.. So I really think that has messed me up big time.. I'm glad that Jackie (the FNP) warned me about this..and now that I think about it, last time I was losing weight really fast (with Phentermine) I had the same issues with Flo...Hopefully once she leaves the weight loss will return.. I've only lost 1 pound in the past 2.5 weeks! :(

Ok, men, you can resume reading now.. I know that was probably a big time overshare, but I want people to know how all this can affect you. I want people to be able to learn from my experiences, if they are so inclined. So I share as I encounter.

The encouraging thing about the plateau is that as Sandra says, it's all math.. You can't weigh 250 pounds and exist on 500 calories a day and not lose weight. It's not mathematically possible. Another friend of mine said that in her personal experience, the times when she stopped losing was when she started losing inches.. almost as if the inches had to catch up with the pounds... I definitely can tell in my clothes, so that is encouraging. I do not measure as I should.. I took initial measurements the night before surgery, but have not taken them since.. I guess I should?

I still feel in kind of a dissociative state..Meaning, I have this radical eating transformation, and some changes are going on in my body, but the two haven't meshed.. I don't know if that makes sense or not.. There is so much strangeness to this process!

There is not only this dissociation between what I'm doing and who I'm becoming but also who I was and who I am becoming.. I still miss eating like crazy, but it's not constant.. It comes in waves.. It's really only with commercials now and then or while out and about and seeing restaurants or smelling things that were once my love.. I'm still waiting for that day when I have super-crazy manic energy or when I can run or cross my legs or shop in a non-fat-chic clothing store.. I think those will be the moments that the two will mesh and the dissociation will end. Or maybe it will never truly end? I do know that when those moments occur, that will be when I can say goodbye to the obese Traci, who though obese is still is so worthy of love, and say hello to the new healthy Traci. I love how another WLS friend said it. It's like an amicable divorce... Obese Traci who is food addicted, it's just not working anymore and we're going to have to part so that health and LIFE and FREEDOM can rule!

Until that time when the union of life changes and body changes takes place, I will continue on towards this journey of health and wholeness.. I will take these meds, and drink this protein, and eat these small bites, and try my hardest to follow the rules, to not rush ahead and push my little baby belly too hard, get enough rest, stay hydrated, be kind to myself, exercise as I am able, and wait for the transformation!! (But even as I say that, isn't there some saying that says the journey is not about the destination but the process?) Maybe I'm becoming enmeshed as I speak :) Ok, I've gotten too deep for myself.. and still have more protein to drink... Here's to growth, health, healing, and LIFE and FREEDOM friends!!

The details...or some of them anyway

2008-09-01T12:25:00.002-04:00

As noted in my last post, I recently wrote to someone telling them about some of the details of the surgery process from application, insurance hoops, some of the actual surgery details..I know some people are reading that are researching/considering WLS...so I thought I'd share some of these things for anyone that may have questions.

There are many, many hoops to jump through, which in retrospect I understand. This is such a life-changing process.. I think they just want to know that people are serious about it. I had to do six months of "doctor supervised weight loss", which was really a joke. I basically just went to the surgeon's office once a month and weighed in. I didn't really lose weight during that time. I had to write a letter of why I wanted to have the surgery, provide five years of weight history from previous doctors showing that I'd been obese for a long time, have a gallbladder ultrasound, an EGD (looking at my stomach with a scope), go to a nutrition class, support group meetings, letter from my primary care doctor, a psych evaluation, and I think that's about it.. Enough huh? It was a lot of work. But, as I said, the surgery is much harder, so I guess they want to see your commitment. The whole process took me about 8 months, but I kind of stalled for a month or two.. I think if I had done everything right on time it would have taken me about 6.. Of course, every surgeon is different and all require different things. Once I was approved by insurance and had a surgery date, I also had to do some preop testing which involved an EKG, chest x-ray, blood work and urinalysis.

The surgery was done laparoscopically, and most are except for in very rare circumstances, then it's done with an open incision. I had 6 tiny incisions in different spots on my belly. Only one or two will actually leave a scar, I think. The actual surgery only took about an hour (I also had my gallbladder removed because i had gallstones, which was unknown to me until I had the ultrasound). The recovery was painful, but tolerable. Apparently I have a low pain tolerance and am a slow healer. Others that I've known have recovered much better, faster, than me. But I know it's all going to be worth it. The weight comes off SO fast. Probably by Christmas I'll be down at least 80 pounds.

As far as what's next for me, it's really about just getting healthy. I hope to start exercising soon (I've been very tired.. Part of it is the low caloric intake I think, probably no more than 500-600 calories a day, but part of it may be that I've heard the anesthesia can stay with you for up to a month.) So, I've just been taking it easy. There is what's called a honeymoon period, the first 6-12 months or so, when the weight just falls off, there isn't any, or much, hunger for most.. So I want to take advantage of this period and exercise to lose as much as I can. Statistics show that most people lose 75% of their excess weight in the first 18-24 months. So I want to use this opportunity to try to get as much off as I can. It becomes much more work after that..

Some people think this is an easy way out, but it is just the opposite. This is harder than any diet I've ever been on. It takes much more commitment and much more "head work." The surgery is just a tool, but it's got to be used in order to work. Unfortunately some gain their weight back, so it takes lots and lots of commitment. For me, I knew there was no other way. I've dieted all my life and been up and down. So, my options were to be obese or have surgery, and I was so tired of the former.

I'm hoping that this will increase my changes of fertility. I know that it will give me lots more energy, I'll feel better about myself, and I look forward to so many things that I haven't enjoyed in a very long time. It will be a new life. A challenging one, but one that will be so worth it.

This process really makes you work on yourself. One friend told me that it's easier to get rid of body fat than head fat. Meaning, for so many there is an emotional component to eating, and that's got to be nipped in the bud in order for this to work. It's a challenge, already, at only 4 weeks out. I miss eating so bad I can hardly stand it. But I know that when I can walk into Ann Taylor, The Limited, or whatever store, and be able to wear any cute, trendy thing I want, or when I run that marathon, it will all be worth it.

The Why

2008-08-28T07:00:00.003-04:00

I have mentioned before that my writings have not only been a release for me, but also to educate and encourage. I know that there are so many people who don't know about WLS, or have misconceptions about it. I would like to do my best to share what I know and to share my journey along the way.

I recently wrote a friend telling them exactly what happened..what the whole process was like. I thought I'd share that here, for those that may be curious. But, before I do that, I want to share exactly WHY I did this.

I had to write a letter to my surgeon/insurance company stating why I wanted to have this surgery. I've decided to share that letter here. It's quite personal, and pretty intimate, but most will know that I am pretty open, these days especially. To quote an old cheezy Truth song (with different meaning of course), how will they know unless we tell them? Ha..that made me laugh..

Anyway, here's the letter. It was good for me to read again, myself, to keep things in perspective, to remember just why I put myself through this!!

February 3, 2008

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been asked to write a letter stating why I am considering gastric bypass surgery. This letter is to explain my reasoning and my weight-loss history to date.

I come from a family of overweight people. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. My memories of dieting go all the way back to age 11. This is not a new journey, but one that I have been on my entire life. As a teenager I was approximately 20-30 pounds overweight. As I recall, it seems that I gained approximately 10 pounds a year, with the exception of when I went to college as a freshman and gained 30 pounds. I reached 200 at the age of 23 and 300 at the age of 32.

I cannot count the number of diets that I have attempted, or the number of times that I have attempted each one. With each attempt, I always lost a little weight, but never more than an average of 30 pounds. There were 2 occasions where I lost 40-50 pounds. However, I was never able to keep off the weight that I lost. My dieting would eventually involve me getting discouraged, overwhelmed, defeated, and eventually giving up. I considered surgical intervention for the first time in 1993, but realized that I was not heavy enough at that point. I pursued it again in 2004 or 2005, but my insurance company denied the claim.

Over the years I came to accept myself as I was and began to focus on my positive qualities, my internal characteristics, intelligence, gifts, etc., and did not focus so much on my weight (although the dieting never really stopped). I dated and eventually married a man who did not care that I was overweight and ended up gaining 100 pounds in the decade that I was with him. After our divorce and a new marriage, however, I began to think about having children, only to find myself dealing with infertility. The fertility specialist I was seeing told me that losing weight could only help my fertility. This was a huge wake-up call for me.

I feel that I am at a different place than I was a decade ago when I detested myself because of my weight. I know of many morbidly obese people have an extremely low self-esteem because of their weight. I, on the other hand, have been trying to spend the past 10+ years on focusing on the internal rather than the external. I now have come to an impasse, however, in realizing that I am INDEED a morbidly obese woman. If I am able miraculously conceive a child, I would not want to carry it at my present weight. I also would not want to be a mother in the state that I am in. I would not be able to play with my child as I wanted, be a healthy role model, or have an active life with my child at my current weight. I also know that never in my life have I maintained my weight, but always seem to be gaining. And this is no type of life for a child. I have fears of one day being a home-bound or bed-bound individual, and I certainly would not want to be that type of parent for my child.

I also know that I am blessed after all these years to have ONLY struggled with depression, insomnia, migraines, infertility, low-back pain, and most recently, gall stones. I know that it is only a matter of time that I do have to face the realities of hypertension, diabetes, heart problems, etc. I know that many obese people are not so lucky, and I know that my day will come if I don’t do something.

I want so much more for my life than I have right now. I kind of wonder if I’m feeling like a conjoined twin must feel. They have had that other side of them for so long that they don’t know any different. That is kind of the way my weight has been for me. Prejudices, stereotypes, difficulties with dating, difficulties with intimacy, not fitting in airplane seats and movie seats, wondering if I’m going to fit into the booth in the restaurant.. these are just things I’ve accepted. However, after a close friend having recently had gastric bypass and having wonderful success, it has opened up my eyes to realize that change IS possible. I do not have to accept this part of me. There IS a way out.

My number one motivation for having this surgery is to get healthy so that I can do my best to conceive, carry a child in a healthy manner, and be an active mother and role model for my children. Secondly, I want to be proactive and prevent any long-term health issues that will eventually come as a result of my obesity. Thirdly, I want to be feel better about myself, feel more attractive as a woman/wife and to be able to be more active.

I told someone recently that to me dieting is like someone telling me to walk from Tennessee to California. Gastric bypass is like me still having to walk to California, but someone has given me wings. I know that it is not a miracle cure. I know that I still will have to work my butt off.. I just know that the surgery will make that possible for me. I don’t even try on my own anymore because I KNOW that I will fail. I know that I may lose a little weight, but that I will quit and eventually gain it back. I have done it over, and over, and over, and over.

I know that there is a huge emotional component to my eating and I know that this will not change with surgery. I am currently in therapy, on anti-depressants, and know that the internal work will just begin with surgery. I am committed to being all that I can be. I am committed to working on myself, and seeking help, communicating with others, and finding support. I just need the wings to help me get to the destination..

Thanks for your consideration..

Beautiful girl...repost

2008-08-23T14:39:00.004-04:00

I originally wrote this in July of 2006. I found it today and it spoke to me, so I wanted to repost it. Even after WLS, even with 150 pounds gone, these words will still be important and oh so necessary....If only we focused on the inner value more than anything... beautiful girl
hold your head up high

don't believe their lies
the hurtful words they speak

your value, your worth
is more than gold

you are precious
unlike any other

so many gifts to give
to share with the world

hold your head high
be proud of who you are

speak the truth
of the value inside

don't let them tear you down
or wound the precious girl inside

be brave
be strong

rejoice in all that you are

beautiful girl

be strong
be brave

you are unlike any other,
beautiful girl

Valleys

2008-08-23T13:39:00.003-04:00

You know, it's kind of funny. It used to be that I only blogged when things weren't going well for me. I think writing was some kind of release. When I was happy, I'd be silent for months. Now I find that I only want to write when I'm feeling positive. I guess I see this WLS (and sharing about it) as such an educational thing. I want to encourage those behind me, or educate those who don't understand. But...I presume that writing about the bad times and then later writing how I overcame is where the encouragement can take place.

Things haven't been horrible, but I have been struggling...I'm not regretting my decision, just struggling with the process. Some say after WLS they have no desire for food. My case is that my head, the addictive part of me, CRAVES it...It's so hard to see the places I used to eat and know I cannot eat that stuff, or if I do eat it in the amounts I WANT to, I'll get sick. But you know what? THIS is why I made this decision.

I love what Sandra says about it.. She says that it's like she pulled an intervention on herself, without her knowledge... Obviously I knew I was doing this...But the food addict in me had no clue how hard it would be. But this is the blessing about the surgery...and why it works when diets don't... On a diet, you CAN cheat...you can take a day off..you can give up and give in...Now, sure, I could go get a Domino's pizza right now, but I'd just throw it up...And have wasted the money...I hear that there WILL be a day when I can eat what I want in moderation (with probably the exception of sugar and lots of carbs).. That day is just not here yet. And my insides miss it.. Not my belly, as in, I'm not hungry at all...But my flesh, my human nature, my part that loves to feel good, sure misses it a heck of a lot...So I guess I'm going through some mourning...

Not only have I given up what I crave most, but I am having to do such seemingly impossible tasks...Sandra and I came up with this great analogy.. (and I'm sure I've written about how much I love analogies..) Here is the struggle...Imagine it's Thanksgiving day and you have eaten until you cannot eat any more..You feel sick, bloated, having to unzip your zipper, all that stuff.. Ok...Imagine that you HAVE to continue to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat.. And what makes it worse is that it's stuff you hate...Sure you might could fit in an extra bite of pecan pie, but what if it was something nasty? What's the point, right??? That is what every day feels like for me.. I'm not sick and bloated, but I have no appetite and eating is a STRUGGLE...My baby stomach is so very small..So you have to just consume, and consume, and consume all day... And it's not fun food!!! It's not horrible, but it's sure not the comfort food I'm used to, the food I crave...

I'm sure that one day I will get used to it.. I will grow up emotionally and spiritually and learn that food is for nourishment...(Of course I'm learning that the hard way now.. it's just taking forever for my head to catch up with all that..)...I pray I learn to find my comfort in things that are healthy and good for me.. And I'll begin to reap all the rewards of losing weight and I will love it... Maybe one day I'll get to run that marathon and I'll weep at the finish line and say, "no food compares to this..." For now, it's new and fresh, and 5 weeks without comfort food in my body just isn't enough time I presume...

I fully believe this is a full-on addiction. It could just be a lifetime of bad habits, and genes and all that. But this inner struggle is more than I can put into words. But I loved something that Sandra said...She said that any other addict (alcoholic, drug addict, whatever) would jump at the chance to have a surgery to help with their addiction. Obviously it doesn't take the addiction away (as evidenced by all my ramblings above), but it sure helps nip the big problem in the bud... It's like I always said when deciding to have this surgery.. Losing weight was impossible before because you had the mechanics of losing the weight, all the clinical stuff, AND all the emotional, comfort-food, addiction crap with it... The surgery just takes care of a major, major, major part of it.. Now my part is to deal with the internal stuff...And there is no comforting with food now!!! So I'm having to face the demon head on...

So there, my friends, is the valley. I call it a valley because I know there will be a mountaintop one day. I know it's only for a season. And I AM 29 pounds down since starting my liquid diet 5 weeks ago... How could THAT ever happen without surgery?? Even better than that, I don't have to worry about if I'll ever see those numbers again...So, I know in my head that WLS is still a huge blessing, and that the rewards will come...

Thanks for your prayers and your support as I continue in this journey towards health and healing, not only in body, but in mind.

A few challenges

2008-08-17T15:08:00.003-04:00

I feel really good today and it sure feels good to feel good! My recovery has been a lot slower than I'd hoped and with several setbacks.

My latest setback was on Thursday when I went to have my drain removed. (By the way, it was a pretty painless process. The nurse told me that most patients tell her that it just feels weird, and that was exactly right. It was so bizarre...I guess I didn't realize how long it was inside my belly...And feeling it being pulled, from the inside, was very strange.. But needless to say, I was just glad it was gone. The drain was a humbling experience thinking of people that have to deal with foreign things to their bodies all the time...I felt guilt in complaining about it...) Thursday was my first day to drive, so I ran a few errands, came home, and was exhausted, and took a nap. I woke up from my nap with fever! I was pretty terrified... I did end up calling my surgeon that night and he was so gracious. He was not worried about it, nor was my RN hubby...I presume I should have trusted hubby...I was overly paranoid I guess.. But a fever after surgery is just a scary thing.. My drain site was pretty irritated, so I presume the fever was just from that. I had it for about a day and a half or so, then I was fine...

Support group was yesterday and I was really hesitant to go. I'd not been feeling well and had been a little down and tired, and just hated to show that side of it all to the newbies.. Then I realized that it's about all that too...Those researching need to see all sides of it.. The discouragement and the fear and the worry is a part of it alongside the weight loss and increase in activity and happiness. It's a package deal, and in all honest, I'm a tell-it-like-it-is, whole-package kind-of girl... so I'm proud that I went. Thank you, Sandra, for encouraging me to go!! I did end up getting blessed by it, and I seem to always meet someone new with a new story...

There has been so much excitement in my recent posts.. This journey is not going to be all excitement. There are going to be lots and lots of trials...They have already begun.. I'm already overwhelmed about all I have to try to fit in my little tummy.. There are not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do...And I'm not even working yet!! I have a tendency to get way overwhelmed...so this has been a problem...

I'm getting out more, which is good, but also a challenge. I am bombarded with the things I used to love. I have loved eating out since I was a child. It always brought some kind of comfort to me...not really sure why..But getting out of the house and seeing billboards and restaurants and fast food restaurants is a challenge. My tummy doesn't want the stuff, isn't even hungry at all, and couldn't even handle it.. But my head sure wants it... I have many, many years of bad habits, addictions even, and none of that disappears with this miraculous surgery. The battlefield is in the mind...

I have struggled for a long time with the mind over matter mindset...but is something that I really want to take hold of... Maybe this will be a turning point for me. Hubby and I went on a date last night and I went to a restaurant for the first time. I thought, you know, I can moan and groan about what I can't have, or I can just accept it...I've made this positive choice for myself and it is the way it is... I think it's going to take a lot more of that kind of thinking... Of course, eventually I'll have many, many things to replace what I'm letting go of...But at this stage in the game, it's new and fresh, and although I've lost some weight, the major advantages aren't here yet. But they will come. And it will be grand. In the mean time, I will battle and fight against the old me and look forward to all that is before me...

Thank each and every one of my loved ones who are keeping up with me and supporting me!! I don't know how I'd do it without you all...

The Wisdom of Mary Poppins

2008-08-12T12:51:00.004-04:00

I just came across this fabulous quote today from Mary Poppins..

"Enough is as good as a feast."

I don't know the context, but I don't know that the context even really matters that much. That is such a powerful statement. Why it's taken WLS for me to truly understand and grasp that concept I will never understand. I've read so many stories about people who don't understand why they couldn't "get it" before hand...Why they had to go to such extremes to become healthy... And my goodness, I'm only 12 days into this process. But I am learning every day, and that quote just knocked my socks off.

The pre-WLS Traci wanted it all, wanted all the feast, all the time..I realize there is a huge heart issue there.. I mean, what's the essential problem in wanting all the freaking time? Selfishness, greed, lust, whatever...I know that WLS does nothing to change the inside. All is does is change my belly. My head and my heart will have to change, to learn to be content, to realize that enough IS as good as a feast. I can beat myself up for not learning it in my 38 years of life...or I can be very grateful that I have the opportunity to learn it now..And to live my remaining years healthy and content and grateful... I think the latter choice is a pretty darned good one as well... I'll take it!!

Postop Day 11

2008-08-11T16:14:00.002-04:00

Things have been quiet over here because I have been in the bed on pain meds! Had a minor setback. I rode to Knoxville last Wednesday the 6th to take mom back to the airport. I'd been feeling well and hubby was going to be driving, so I assumed all would be fine. I had a pillow close to my tummy the whole way, but I guess all the jarring around of my insides was just too much. I ended up being in about as much pain as I was in at the hospital. :( So I've just been medicating and resting. Am finally on the upswing I think.

Had my first postop appointment today and that went great. The great news is that I got my staples out and was given permission to advance to the next stage of the diet. The not-so-great news is that my drain has to stay in until Thursday :(. But it's tolerable. It's for my best. All the pain I'm feeling is normal, so that's good to know. The key is to take it easy, rest, medicate when necessary, and get my nutrients in. This is a CHALLENGE! I never thought eating all day would be hard! But it is... There is so much needed to consume to stay healthy and nourished and there is only so much time and such a tiny little stomach now!!

The good thing is that I'm catching up on lots of TV. That's one thing I can do. I've read some, but have found that TV is just easier right now. I watched in the whole first season of Mad Men in several days and have found yet another show to be addicted to!

The day is gorgeous here. It's early August, not a cloud in the sky, and 75 degrees! This reminds me of why I live in TN!

Ok, about a half-hour is about my limit at the computer at this point. I guess it's Tivo time. Just wanted to let everyone know that I was still around! Oh yeah! And 20 pounds down too! :)

Best day yet...and remembering the why

2008-08-04T18:35:00.003-04:00

The days keep getting better. I have more strength and energy today and the pain is not as bad. Honestly, I think the narcotics were keeping me down, just overall not in good shape. I feel stronger today and actually felt like talking to some friends on the phone.

I am feeling this yucky tightness in my stomach that I'm trying to figure out. As SOH says, the next year of my life is going to be a science experiment; figuring out what works and what doesn't, what my body likes and what it doesn't.

I had my first "uh oh" moment today. I cannot swallow whole pills for several months because of the tiny hole from my esophagus to my little baby stomach. I've begin using Tylenol instead of the big mama drugs, and had crushed the Tylenol and put it in another medication I'm taking that is in liquid form. I swallowed that fine and then put some water in the 1-oz cup to make sure I'd gotten all the medication. Without even thinking, I swallowed the whole ounce of water in one gulp. Baby tummy did not like that!! I could tell right away it wasn't a good thing. It was just a sharp pain that subsided quickly..but we learn from those experiences...

I watched Anne of Green Gables with mom today and just loved it. Sweet moments with my sweet mom! I will be sad when she leaves and will have to be a big girl and take care of myself now (and hubby too..how nice to have mom cooking for SAM!!)...The good thing is that day after tomorrow I'll be even stronger and more prepared to do what I need to do.

I have the dogs boarded for a good while and that has been such a blessing. Lulu would be a breeze, but the sweet baby boy puppy boy would have been a handful. I just don't know how I could take care of him right now! Thank goodness I have a wonderful lady who keeps them for me for such a reasonable cost. So that's been a load off of my back.

SOH said something today that just made me tear up...It's easy in this phase to get caught up in all the hard parts of this process. Obviously I'm not to any other stage yet... But many have said they would do this surgery again and again if they had to.. (which spoke volumes to me while I was in the hospital.. It's one thing to hear that and another thing to experience it).. Don't get me wrong, I'm having no regrets and am so excited of the life before me... It just has its hard moments, and when you don't have the good stuff yet to compare it, you just have to keep a level head. Anyway, SOH said, "Trust the YOU that made this decision to do this." I just loved that and it was just what I needed to hear. I made an excellent decision for my life, for my health, for my future, for so many things that still await me!!

I'm so excited to be able to share my journey with everyone. I am more open than many, and sometimes I wonder if I'm too open for me :)... Why the heck would anyone care about my stories anyway? Sometimes I have a nagging voice saying that to me.. "who do you think you are? what makes you so special that others would want to read or know?"...But then my spirit speaks and I realize that my truth is my truth. It doesn't belong to anyone else. No one can tell it like me. And although we are all at different stages in our journeys, there are people not yet to where am...And if they can learn and grow from me, then I am grateful for it.

I write with a humble heart and know there is nothing good in me on my own. I know that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So I thank him for these wonderful second chances, for loved ones, for words, for the freedom of expression, and for those who are willing to learn and grow. May we all be molded and shaped daily!

Postop Day 4

2008-08-03T20:15:00.002-04:00

Just a quick report, friends! My surgery was performed on July 31 at 8 am with no difficulties whatsoever. The surgery was performed in under two hours from what I understand. I was in my room that afternoon and met there by my sweet husband and mother. They were such angels and I don't know what I would have done without them.

I will write more as I have more strength. They recovery has not been that bad. The pain is not horrible. In a word I would just describe it as uncomfortable. The drain is uncomfortable. My incisions are uncomfortable. The abdominal binder is uncomfortable, but provides relief too.

I haven't had the slightest hunger pang. The foods I'm eating are easy to tolerate and I'm not having trouble getting things down down. No nausea. Overall, excellent recovery!

Honestly, one of my biggest complaints besides being uncomfortable is restlessness. I cannot seem to focus on anything or sit still for any period of time. This is good because it has me up and moving, but I would love to be spending me down time watching movies or reading, and it's just not happening!

I'm feeling stronger each day and probably have spent my internet limit for today typing this brief message. Just wanted to give everyone an update! Thanks so much for all the many, many prayers and positive thoughts. They were definitely felt and are still appreciated to this day!

Love to all -
Traci

Transformation Eve

2008-07-30T19:42:00.003-04:00

I cannot express how grateful I am to everyone. "Coming out of the closet" was the best thing I could do. The support and love around me has me soaring. With so many people praying for me, I know that only good can happen! I feel so loved. I am blessed!

I am actually very calm today. I've been homebound due to my gastric preparations... Getting EVERYTHING all good and cleaned out!!! It has not been terribly bad considering that I've on a liquid diet for 10 days. I know is a whole lot of TMI (too much information)...BUT..most that go through this surgery process will learn that there are things you just have to talk about. People have questions and need to know what's going on. So forgive my forthrightness! The process has not been bad at all...the worst part is the Gatorade/Miralax cocktail. BLECH! Thank goodness it's almost all gone though :)

It's been a peaceful day.. The prep has been nice in the fact that I had to take the day off. You really can't do anything else. So I had everything done, more or less, by 12 noon and got to spend that time with mom...We watched the sweetest movie, Martian Child - definitely a chic flick, and both did some reading...I got some wonderful phone calls. So all in all, it's all good!

Someone said today that they knew I was scared, and I had to say that I honestly wasn't. Some of that may come tomorrow..But I have to be there so very early (5 AM!)..I think it all will happen very quickly. SOH was so very helpful in answering lots of questions for me today about the pain, about catheterization, compression boots/stockings, barium testing, lack of hunger (yee haa! let's pray for that!!)...So wonderful to have someone go before you that can answer those little things... Also, the wonderful WLS coordinator at the hospital sent me a detailed e-mail about what would happen step by step and that was such a blessing..Any fear I had initially was about the unknown. So knowing what to expect is so very helpful. Thank you Pat!

Well, a little more prepping to do...A little more packing.. I hope I will get some sleep but am sure that I will.. The surgeon has ok'd me taking some lovely Lunesta.. so that will absolutely be taken.

I guess that's all for now! I am so very, very, very grateful. Words cannot describe! I will post as I can...Blessings my dear friends!

Grace

2008-07-28T13:34:00.003-04:00

I am really feeling so great today. I am excited. I am at peace. I am blessed with wonderful friends and family and great insurance. My body is 13 pounds lighter and is cleansed. It is so amazing the feeling you have after ridding your body of sugar and caffeine and who knows what else. The first few days were SO HARD but now I feel wonderful. I have gotten all my ducks in a row and all that I need to do is pick up mom tomorrow, necessary preparations for surgery on Wednesday, then my day is here! When I got my approval and surgery date, it was 31 days away and seemed like a lifetime. Now it seems like yesterday. Amazing how relative time can be.

It's gorgeous outside. Friends are checking on me. I paid a friend to clean my house today (Thanks Ruby!!).. I've got someone to take care of my dogs, the hospital bill is paid.. All that's lacking is packing!

You know, this surgery is a lot like grace. I did this to myself. I don't deserve help. But grace is being bestowed upon me. A second chance. A new life; that I don't deserve. Isn't that what grace is about? This is why I'm on cloud nine. This is why my life has radically changed already. Because I know that I'm being given a wonderful gift at a new life; one that I don't deserve. But I am grateful and I am thanking God. And I will not take it lightly. And I pray that every day I remember where I came from. ALWAYS remember the shackles that bound me. Always be compassionate to those who were where I once was. Be gentle. Be kind. Be patient. And learn to not treat food like the bad guy. And learn to calm the storms that may come. And never, never, never take this for granted.

The Joys of Broth

2008-07-27T12:40:00.003-04:00

I never in a million years thought that broth would be like a delicacy for me. But on this liquid diet, that's just what it has been. I can't explain it. But just the warmth and the flavor is just decadent for me. Anyone who may be on this WLS journey in one way or another, just a brief word of advice. Do not skimp when it comes to your broth! I have tried three different kinds. Rachel Ray's chicken stock was excellent. (I had to look up the difference between stock and broth and found it on the food network. "Chicken stock tends to be made more from bony parts, whereas chicken broth is made more out of meat. Chicken stock tends to have a fuller mouth feel and richer flavor, due to the gelatin released by long-simmering bones.") Swanson's chicken broth - awesome. Walmart's chicken broth? Not so much. So, this is one of those things where it does not benefit to skimp. (Hubby pointed out that probably the reason it tastes so good is because of the sodium. I know sodium is not good for you. But that's a whole other battle for another day!) Enjoy your broth!

The benefits of a liquid diet

2008-07-26T16:30:00.003-04:00

This is mainly for my benefit to remind myself of the good that is coming out of these difficult 10 days! Yes, it has been harder than I expected. Is it doable? Absolutely. The first few days were the absolute hardest. Yesterday was probably the best day. I feel good today, but hubby is working and I'm not very busy so I find myself craving food. I feel quite certain that this will be one of the hardest things I have ever undertaken.

But there are benefits of this small phase....

It has taken my mind/anxiety off the surgery and allowed me to focus on the now.
I dropped 11 pounds in 4 days! Losing weight before the surgery is always a benefit. I haven't lost in the past day or two, but maybe I'll drop a few more before the big day.
My body feels clean and purged.
No need to plan, shop, cook, other than buying what I needed beforehand for the liquid diet. (WARNING! I do NOT recommend shopping in a grocery store while you are on the liquid diet. They say not to grocery shop when you are hungry.. HELLO?? Grocery shopping when you hadn't eaten in DAYS?? Not fun.. Trust me.)
This should have been first on my list; my liver will shrink and allow the surgeon to have the best possible access to my organs.
It really is a good transition between eating like a big girl and eating like a WLS patient. A friend today said it was probably a good thing I'm doing it so that my stomach won't go into shock!
It reminds me of the dedication needed toward this surgery. If you can't make it through a 10-day liquid diet, how can you make it for an entire lifetime of restriction?
People feel sorry for me.

JUST KIDDING!!! I have gotten sympathy, and people are very, very sweet to worry about me. But I am honestly doing this almost as a badge of honor. Everything has fallen into place and I truly believe this is what I need to do. This will drastically change many parts of my life and I am SO ready! This liquid diet has been a nice transition I think. And I'm not able to sit around and worry about the surgery and count the days cause I'm so busy thinking about my growling stomach!!! :)

My spirit really is still at peace and I'm so excited about the changes to come. I am so grateful for my family and friends that have surrounded me with love and support and bathed me in prayer. I go into this surgery with my head held high, my expectations high for the life before me, and full confidence that I am going to do great.

I have the best friends.. Thank you all!!

On caffeine, mornings, health, and wise choices

2008-07-25T07:50:00.004-04:00

My sweet new puppy has changed my life by helping me get on a schedule and a structure. As I used to stay up until all hours of the night and then sleep until late in the morning, now I'm on a somewhat normal schedule, if you will. I still hate mornings though and will probably always be a night person. I wake up so tired. I used to drink 3 or 4 cups of coffee in the morning. There are different teachings by surgeons regarding caffeine, but mine says no caffeine and no carbonated beverages after surgery. I have started weaning myself off of coffee by drinking a Coke Zero every morning when I wake up. Not quite the jolt of coffee, but is all I got for now.

As I sat down this morning to begin working and was sipping my Coke Zero, I thought to myself, you know, my body probably needs an Atkins shake right now with protein in it rather than this nutritionless soft drink. Then the other part of me said, but this is what I want, this tastes so much better, this is more enjoyable for me, and makes me feel better.

That was a huge light bulb moment for me. Isn't that how I got in this position? By giving my body what it wants rather than what it needs? In so many ways we have to learn to parent ourselves. We would teach children that they need nutrition rather than junk. But how do we treat ourselves?

This responsibility sucks! But I realized that I only think the caffeine will make me feel better. Oh it may, but only for a moment, not longlasting change. If I focus on my health, and on making wise choices, then I WILL feel better period. And it will be longlasting. The health and good feelings won't come from a can. They will just BE. And they will stay with me.

God, help me to take good care of this body you've given me and feed it in a way that is for health and performance.

Dirty Laundry

2008-07-24T18:16:00.002-04:00

I figure since I'm airing all my dirty laundry, why not go all the way :).. As SOH says, everything is feast or famine with me.. HA! Literally! I missed that unintended pun. If you missed that, never mind. :)

So, I've decided to start journaling what I'm eating online. Mainly just 'cause I don't want to add up my protein each day! And, I can just repeat my most common eaten items :)

So, just in case anyone is curious what a 10-day liquid diet in prep for WLS looks like, here you go. http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=tracimyrick Keep in mind that all surgeons standard op is different. Pretty much no two surgeons are going to be the same.

I'm feeling very, very weak these days and almost panicked about it. Obviously being over 250 pounds and surviving on 400-600 calories would surely make one weak. I just didn't realize just how weak I would be. I can barely walk down to the mailbox without having to rest. My heart races with any activity. It's almost scary. But I called the surgeon's office today and they did not seem to be worried. I honestly think I haven't been drinking ENOUGH.. I think I'm just so dang tired of having to potty all day long! But when it's my health we're talking about, I gotta get better. My goal is 64 ounces of fluid a day and at least 50 mg of protein.

Also, I was taking my vitamins and I was told by a friend who is also soon to have the surgery that vitamins are a no-no right now because of all the vitamins in the shakes. Her potassium was way too high. Again, every person is different and all docs are different. My surgeon didn't tell me one way or another about the vitamins. So, I presume there is no harm in stopping them just in case. Supplements are a HUGE part of this process afterwards, so I was just trying to get ahead of the game..

Pretty much all I want to do is work, read and sleep. I have been out of the house some, but it's really, really hard for me to move about because of my weakness. This is a caution for anyone who does the liquid diet to limit your activities (my personal humble opinion.) I had hoped to work out every day to drop weight before the surgery! HA!! Thank God I work from home. I don't know what I would do if I had to be really active during this 10-day period.

As I've mentioned before, though, I'm learning to be kind to myself. Some may wonder what that means. When I feel tired, I rest. When I need a break, I take a break. Listening to what your body says is SO important. I do believe that it tells us what we need.

Ok, I'm on to a beverage of some sort, then reading and then bed. I don't think I have gone to bed before daylight since I was 10 years old. But I sure am doing it these days!

A Little Education

2008-07-22T09:03:00.003-04:00

Just a brief post in case any of you are wondering, and also to remind myself of some very important truths (as my stomach is growling away.) Some may wonder why the liquid diet is so hard for me or why I'm complaining when my eating habits are about to change in a huge way. Immediately after surgery I will be consuming tiny, tiny amounts of liquid...like an ounce at at time. The difference is that my anatomy will be different. My tiny stomach will not be able to handle more than an ounce. Right now, I still have the same giganterous belly (I'm sure that's not a real word. But it sounds fun.) :) Thus, the struggle.

The amazing thing is that I've asked for support and I've gotten it. My spirit is soaring and I feel ready and lifted up. I'm at peace and feel blessed. I just have a very hungry belly and a very weak body :)... But this too shall pass...

I'm spending my time just being kind to myself. Every hour is different. I tried to nap yesterday but after getting up three times to pee, I figured that was pointless. I have a hard time really focusing on anything, so I don't think TV or movies are going to work. I did work some yesterday and hope to work a good bit today. Housecleaning helps, actually! What a concept! I spent time straightening up yesterday and working on laundry and that helped me to focus I think.

I did prepare dinner for hubby last night after he had worked a 14-hour day and I think he was really surprised at that. But I am learning the importance of service and meeting the needs of my hubby even when it's hard...

I overestimated myself!!

2008-07-21T19:45:00.003-04:00

Ok, I admit it. I'm a crazy woman... Looking forward to the liquid diet so I can "focus?" What kind of insanity is that??! I should be able to do fine because I've done extended fasts before?!! What the heck was I thinking?!?! I'm usually one to take on a challenge, but when it comes down to it, I'm a big whiney baby...Pardon me while I go eat the paint off the walls.. :)

In all seriousness, I'm drained, have a headache, am starving and am in a foul mood, but my spirit is blessed and at peace. All is well. I know this is a very good thing and is only to have a healthier surgery, and of course I want that...

I just wanted to whine for a bit...Oh...hm... wine!!! Just kidding... That's not on the liquid diet.. Ok, now on to my yogurt or broth or protein water or something... :)

Thanks to each and every one of my supporters.. You all ROCK!!

The Last Day of Feasting

2008-07-20T09:10:00.002-04:00

I'm such at a different place than I thought I might be in. My day today is going to be full of getting my house in order, literally and figuratively. I've been working on the internal stuff. Today I want to get organized and purge the kitchen of stuff no longer needed, get everything good and clean, and then tomorrow the race is on...And my energies can be devoted to that. My poor hubby, after working four 12-day shifts in a row, is plum worn out and felt like he needed to work because I was in work mode. But Lord knows there are plenty of times he's working while I'm doing nothing but sitting on my assets... :) So, he is resting and I am working. And it feels good!

I already have tons more energy. It's so amazing to note how much a change in mental energy can affect your whole world. There is peace in my home, in my marriage. I feel confident and capable. I think sweet sis was right in saying that I had just surrendered. I think I surrendered to life in general. EVERYTHING was too hard for me. So I just gave up. I was simply existing. So sad to see it in black and white...But I'm so grateful for this revelation.

Now, I absolutely know that WLS is not going to solve my problems. I know that there are things that I may have blamed on the weight and when the weight is gone, those things will still be there. I know life will not be perfect. I know that the change in me might be hard for some. I know that I'll have to offer grace to myself and many around me. There are many, many issues in life to address and work on... But, SOH reminded me of this quote from Forrest Gump...

[Forrest Gump referring to Apple Computer] "Lieutenant Dan got me invested in some kind of fruit company. So then I got a call from him, saying we don't have to worry about money no more. And I said, that's good! One less thing."

Losing half of me, literally, is just "one less thing" to worry about about. And it's a big, big thing.

You know, it's so exciting to be facing a difficult situation and KNOW the outcome ahead of time. I don't know where I will be in 2 years, or in 5 years, or in 10 or 20 years... But I know that if the Lord sees me through this surgery and through my recovery and allows me to live to actually get healthy, I know that I will lose a good part of my excess weight. I don't know how low I'll get or how low I WANT to get... As my favorite WLS author thus far has written, "I will know it when I get there." (Pat Peck in Exodus from Obesity) I know I don't want to be a stick figure. I know that I think curves are healthy and beautiful and something to celebrate about being a woman. It's been so long since I was "thin" that I have no clue how much I would like to weigh. But again, I will know when I get there. No diet in the world can guarantee success. There is not enough willpower, discipline, whatever... to attempt to lose 130-140 pounds and know for absolute sure that a majority of it will come off... It is just impossible. That is totally setting yourself up for failure and disappointment, and I am totally convinced that it cannot be done. I'm not saying that weight loss cannot be achieved. And maybe I'm being way too absolute about what I'm saying. I've just come to the point where I've realized there is NO OTHER WAY for this to be done and have the same miraculous results. As Peck says, and I agree, to the morbidly obese, you really only have two options... Obesity or surgery. I think it's that plain and simple.

I have been blessed to be spared health problems. By God's grace I don't have high blood pressure or diabetes or sleep apnea or high cholesterol. I've been plagued with things like low-back pain, and knee pain, and migraines, and depression, and insomnia, infertility...all that could be a result of obesity.. But if I don't nip this in the bud NOW, it's just a matter of time before all that stuff does happen...I want a LIFE... I want to live and experience life. I have lived years and years behind closed doors more or less.. Not as extreme as an agoraphobic or anything, but I haven't been LIVING...I have been EXISTING... And now I know that I will have no excuse but to get out and run and jump and LIVE...

Pat Peck says in her book that after her surgery she started walking with a friend and they would walk and walk and walk and talk for hours upon hours. One day he said, "why do you go on these 15-mile walks with me?"....and she responded with "because I can!"... I LOVE, love, love that... there are so many things I have not been able to do.. Now I will have no excuse. And there is no need to be sedentary and trapped inside my home and lonely and scared with every single thing being hard for me. There is absolutely no need...

Today is a day of feasting for me. And not a day of binging. I've done my share of that. Binging is done in private with guilt and shame and remorse and punishment and desperateness. Feasting is about celebration and gathering with those you love and honoring each other; rejoicing in life, in love, in friendship, in what God has done and in what he's going to do. So today, I feast.

I ate a bagel with cream cheese and a cold coke on ice this morning. I ate those things and savored every bite and enjoyed it. I was flooded with memories of SOH introducing me to bagels with cream cheese when we were teenagers and teaching me that nothing was a good as a cold coke on ice (try it if you never have... a warm canned coke over ice is nothing like a can that's been in the fridge and THEN put over ice!!)....(if you want to know what is good, ask the fat girl...TRUST me..she knows!!!) :) There are memories associated with food, with feasting, with celebrating. And that is a good thing.

There is much work to be done in my mind regarding food and my relationship with it. Food is not the enemy. It's not wrong to love food and celebrate it, celebrate with it. God was so good to give us taste buds. You know if we didn't have them, we wouldn't know the difference? We wouldn't eat and say, I wish I knew what this tasted like...Because we'd never known anything else... So truly God wanted us to enjoy food and take pleasure in it. But like most anything, it can be thwarted and abused. Which is what I have done, for sure, most of my life...

So, my solace will come from elsewhere, and it will NOT be easy. Of this I am aware... But for today, I celebrate, and I feast. I honor the little fat girl who didn't know anything different, who did what worked for her...I celebrate who she was and I celebrate all that is to come. Tomorrow begins the shedding of skin...(If only that skin could literally be shed...I know my postop friends will understand...I surely don't yet!!)

Ok, my brain officially hurts now... On to purge the kitchen!!!

Blessings, my dear friends...I appreciate you keeping me in your thoughts and prayers...And please let me know how I can support you.

Truth Overload

2008-07-19T17:53:00.006-04:00

I am learning and growing so much every day that I don't even have enough time to write it all down! Such amazing stuff is happening, and I haven't even had the surgery yet. I think as I learn things I'm going to just have to write them in bullet form... There's not enough time in my day to expand on it all!

Just to summarize what's been going on, and then I'll share all of my enlightenment.. :) Tomorrow is my last day to eat as a "fat person"... I was saying "eat like a normal person," then I realized that if I ate normally I would not be in this predicadament! At first, it felt like I was trying to cram every good thing down for fear I would never have it again. The truth is that many WLS patients can eat anything they want months down the road, just in small portions. But that is not the case with everyone. I've heard of one person that cannot tolerate beef any longer, someone else that can't eat chicken, and someone else that ate one Tootsie Roll and was on the floor vomiting for many hours. So, all bodies are different, and only God knows how mine will respond. So every bagel, every glass of cold Cola-Cola on ice, every piece of pizza, every brownie, might just be the last.. And I've got to be prepared for that and be ok with that. At first there was sorrow...And to people without food issues, I'm sure that will be hard to understand. Food has been a primary comfort for me for a long, long, long time. It's time to let that go. Now, surgery will not cure THAT disease.. that's in the head and heart and mind and might very well take the rest of my life to "cure"...if it's ever cured at all...But the actual indulgence must stop, and I realize that, and know that this is the time.

As I said, so many amazing things are happening..I am so grateful to God for revealing so many truths for me...for guiding me into truth...These amazing thoughts come to me at random times during the day, and I am truly blown away at times...thus the Truth Overload title...

I've pondered on all I'm letting go of, and all that is in store for me to gain. People that have not lived an obese lifestyle will never understand. It's so easy to refer to fat people as lazy or undisciplined or unwilling to work and try. It's so easy to say that WLS is the easy way out. I have feared telling everyone about my upcoming changes for fear of being judged. But I am becoming more and more passionate about sharing my truth, the truth of this surgery, the hope that is now in my heart that has been squelched for years and years and years. There is such a preconceived notion and double standard and judgment in our country about those that are obese. As I think of it, it infuriates me how this country sets people up... Our society tends to be lazy as a whole, living in this fast food, microwave, give-it-to-me-now culture. Yet our models are size 0 and anorexic and we judge those who are obese. But the truth is that until you have walked in a fat chic's shoes you cannot judge her.

Anyway, I'm starting to preach I guess, and that is not my intent. I often learn and think as I write...So I guess blogging is partly, or mainly, for my benefit. And if others can learn or be enlightened too, then excellent!!

Now, why did I start that sermon..oh yeah...I was thinking about how much things will change in the next few days as I start my liquid diet. Some feel sorry for me for having to do it, but I am almost excited. Sure, I know it will be hard. I know I'll miss the crunch of food, or the chewing process. But in many ways, it's like I've arrived. All these years and years of obesity will soon end, and it begins with Monday. My doctor has ordered this, so I will do it. No one would question the cancer patient having chemo... it's just part of the treatment... And this is mine. It will shrink my liver so the surgery will go smoothly and so they can access my organs better. It will cause me to drop some weight before-hand so I'll be even healthier to undergo surgery. Maybe it will help me recover faster. But it's good for my mind most of all, I think. Because I'm saying "OK! this is it! the race has started...the journey has begun..fasten your seat belts!!!" It will help me to truly focus I believe...

Speaking of focus, some Christians fast on a regular basis. It's a very humbling ritual. I actually did this for two weeks during my first marriage. It's a way of saying God, I'm broken and I'm humble and I'm desperate and I don't know how else to tell you but this but to empty myself of all I am and plead for you to hear me... I confess my two-week fast not to declare some sort of righteousness, cause LORD KNOWS that ain't true!!! I'm just realizing that there is a connection here. I'm seeing this liquid diet in sort of the same way; a way to cleanse my body and my mind and get ready for the journey that is ahead of me...To become focused and diligent and vigilant... This is going to be THE HARDEST thing I've probably ever done....so mental vigilance will certainly be needed.

Support will also be needed, which is another reason for the blog and another reason I'm thinking of being more honest about all this. I know each person has to do what is best for them. I've heard some WLS patients say that they tell everyone they meet that they've had surgery and other people that don't tell anyone. I know people work it they way they have to. I'm just starting to think about maybe being more open about it (as if posting something on a global website isn't open)....Ha..I crack myself up.

Ok...here are a few bullet truths...Then I've got to let my brain rest...It hurts and is so weary from thinking so much!

I cried to hubby last night as I was having my first melt-down and told him that this was the hardest thing I've ever done. He replied with, "yes, but it's going to be fun!"...And I realized how true that was. There are so many fun things that are yet to come..
As I was pouring my coffee this morning (which I am trying to wean myself off of) and thinking how few cups I had less in my near future I realized that I was thinking more positively. I wasn't mourning of what I was letting go of. I, instead, had this amazing thought... I'm not letting go of anything.. I'm trading one thing for something else.. I'm trading that pizza and french toast and cold coke on ice and chocolate for being able to rock climb with my sister, and hike with my brother, and canoe with my husband, and shop in normal stores...The list can go on and on.. And it will...I plan to make a list of all I want to do that I've never been able to..or not in years and years anyway...So if ever I miss food, I can see all that I'm trading it for. I know that my "thin list" will be much weightier than my fat list.. Ironic huh?
I'm noticing things being different around me already. But yet nothing around me has changed. So what has changed? That would be me...Amazing how much a way of thinking can change your life huh?
In talking to my sweet sis, I realized how very much this obesity has affected my life. I never really knew. I think I had just gotten so used to it. Obesity had beaten me. I surrendered. I gave up. I accepted that this was how life was. It was better than the alternative: Diet after diet, failure, disappointment, etc. I've been in this state so long that I didn't even know how much it had affected me. I think my mind will continue to be blown as I shed this old me and as I discover the person that's been hiding in this obese body.
Also in talking to sweet sis, I realized through her insight that this surgery has given me hope, and that is what has set me free. Now that I don't have to worry about being obese, my mind is freed for tackling other problems. Which is funny as I write that, because I never knew my mind was worried about being obese. I think I was just overall overwhelmed about my entire life in general. I didn't know where to start, so I really didn't tackle anything.

Ok, I could post more bullets, but my brain hurts. My house is a wreck, I don't think my hubby has a clue why my mind is going at the speed its going, I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but my heart is sure at peace. I feel liberated and excited about all that is yet to come. Fasten your seatbelts folks...We're in for a ride!!

Photo by Sandra Woods

Being still

2008-07-17T10:54:00.004-04:00

I have had such a delightful morning. This book I'm reading has really started a neat process.

I've had this anxiety for a couple of days or so, maybe a week... I realized that when I was reading about the surgery, journaling, talking about it, that I wasn't feeling anxious. My old critical, judgmental self says "don't be anxious! The Bible says be anxious for nothing!!..." But that doesn't change the fact that I AM anxious. That it's real. I realized this morning that the achy, naggy feeling is like a newborn baby or my new puppy. It's crying because it needs something. Saying "don't be anxious. The Bible says be anxious for nothing" is like telling the baby/puppy not to cry cause the mama said not do. There is a need that needs to be met. Saying "don't do it, don't feel it" doesn't make the need go away.

I realized that the anxiety is my "spirit" saying it needs something. (Spirit and spirit are two things that I want to write about/address at some point later...)

The perfectionist part of me was longing for a place to go and be quiet, a retreat, a place to think, journal, pray, read, whatever... I wanted the "perfect" place. This morning I took my coffee my journal and went out on my front porch, propped my feet up and was still. The Bible says to be still and know that he is God...but it doesn't say what being still means. I guess knowing the original language would help..(where's John Allen when I need him).. I presume being still can mean lots of things. This morning I left my "world" behind, sat on my porch with the incredible sounds of nature around me (albeit sounds of occasional traffic and gunshots from the National Forrest firing range across the street..thus the "lack of perfection" for my retreat), and met with my spirit. And guess what..the anxiety went away. The Spirit/spirit debate is what trips me up and what makes me worry what my readers may think (why do I worry about that?!?!).. Is meeting with my spirit and meeting with God the same thing? The new agers would say yes..the fundamentalist Christians would say no..

Regardless, I had a very powerful, positive time and learned a lot. God is truth. God is honest. God is all about confronting things head on. So I don't see why he couldn't have moved in me this morning without a sermon, Scripture, getting on my knees, a traditional devotional book, whatever. If God spoke through a rock and a donkey I guess he can speak anyway he chooses.

I have no need to be anxious. God is doing a work and I know that it's not time for my life to be over. I know that it is just beginning. I know that two weeks from today I will be born again again :) No disrespect meant by that at all.. It will be a rebirth, a new start, the beginning of many, many new things. Changes will take place in my body. But changes are beginning already in my mind and in my spirit.

I am blessed and I am grateful. God is up to something good. I am excited. I am expectant. And I will strive to be still whenever needed, in whatever imperfect place it might occur, to get to know myself more, to be honest and truthful with myself and with God, and to experience change.

Coming out of the closet...

2008-07-16T22:33:00.003-04:00

No, not THAT closet... :) I have something that I do want to reveal though that I've been hiding. Not necessarily hiding, because there are many that know. But usually my life is an open book, and this has not been revealed in such a way.

My "secret" is somewhat controversial and may come with judgements..so this is why I haven't shouted it to the world. But then I realized that goes against everything I'm about. Now, I will be the first to admit that I do need to learn some healthy boundaries..But, I am about honesty, about truth, education and correcting ignorance; about enlightenment. How can others know, or learn, if I choose to be silent? Sure, keeping it in is "safe"...but haven't I been one that would rather do what is best and right rather than what is safe?

Well, I've probably hyped it up too much now. But my truth is this...I have decided to win this war with obesity and am going to have gastric bypass surgery on July 31, just a few short weeks away. I have decided to come "out of the closet" for several reasons. One, I am dealing with fear and anxiety and need support. I need prayer and I need love and friendship. Of course those closest to me already to know about my upcoming transformation, and I do have lots of support already. And honestly, probably anyone who reads this probably doesn't have too much to offer me.. But I guess, as it says, the truth will set you free. Maybe just by it no longer being somewhat of a private matter I will become more brave, more strong.

I also wanted to disclose in such a way so that my journey can be recorded. I am keeping my own private diary, but I want to encourage others. I want those around me, or those in my life who aren't around me on a daily basis necessarily, to be able to know what's going on, to follow my progress.

Thirdly, I hope that by documenting my journey that someone can learn, grow, be changed, whatever... I am reading the greatest book called "Exodus from Obesity: The Guide to Long-Term Success After Weight Loss Surgery (WLS)"..The author Paula Peck has inspired me in many ways, and one is to be open... That's what I'm about, and that's what this blog has been about for three years and counting. What better place to share my journey?

This surgery has been on my mind for years and I've been on this particular journey towards making this happen for 8 months. Needless to say, there is much to be shared and much to be said. Ideally, I would like to blog regularly and share my progress, feelings, fears, etc. History shows that ideals do not always pan out :) So, I will do my best, and be gracious to myself, be as honest as possible with myself and others, and share as I am able...

I don't know if I have any faithful readers any longer...They may have all given up on me! But if anyone does read this, please pray for me on July 31. 8 am! (Eastern)... I am pumped and ready to go... My seatbelt is fastened (and snug for only a brief bit longer!) and I am ready for the ride of my life.

The depths of me

2008-04-30T10:53:00.003-04:00

I have spent a little time reading through past blog posts today. I think I needed that. I have come across many people from my childhood recently and have my 20th high school reunion approaching. I've had so many feelings come up: The insecurities of high school, the doubting and questioning who you are...The cruelty of kids.. But these posts have been so good for me because they are my TRUTH.. The truth is not that I'm a fat kid. The truth is not that I didn't make the dance team, or that I was so foolish to even try out. The truth is not that the cool boys won't ever like me. That may have been my truth once. But my truth now is that I am a woman of passion, of integrity... I am a good friend. I have a heart full of love. I am compassionate and generous. I am far from perfect.. I fall short in so many ways. But God has given me depth and a seeker's heart. These posts remind me who I truly am. It's hard to shut out the voices of others (or the voices that you THINK are the opinions of others, which may times are not true at all) and hold your head up high remembering the TRUTH of who you really are...

I have so far still to go. But I have COME SO FAR... I pray this continually, but God, please give me courage to be who I really am. To hold my head up high and be brave. To focus on MY truth. On what REALLY is... Not on what I think it is, or on what other's may think I am. Thank you for my depths and all you've created me to be.

The Wonderful World of Books

2008-01-13T13:00:00.000-05:00

(Originally posted November, 2005 - Edited January 2008)

I don't read near like I should; nor do I read exactly what I should. I go through phases where I'm reading constantly and then I won't read for months at all.

My grandfather was an amazing man and an avid reader. He read thousands of books throughout his lifetime and kept record of every book that he read. I always liked the thought of that. Almost two years ago I started the same tradition. I've kept the titles written in a lovely pink and white polka dotted journal but thought that I'd list them here as well so that I can share them. Most of my reading is for pleasure. In the beginning of 2004 when I began to record my readings, I was involved with a man who really challenged me intellectually and I was trying to read more "weighty" books. As the months progressed (and he progressed out of my life) the books came much more "fluff"...

It's really odd... I enjoy theology, psychology, deep conversations, history and biographies. But for some reason, reading these things seems like work to me, and reading has always been for fun. I hope that I can challenge myself to push beyond my borders and challenge my brain a bit. It's a constant source of frustration for me. (Of course I AM in medical transcription school and am studying medical terminology constantly. I DO stretch my brain a pretty good bit with that!!!) (I had to add that because I can be too hard on myself sometimes).

Well, that was much more of a preface than what was needed. I hope you enjoy my list. If you have books to share, books in common, please do tell! (I will update this list and bring it up to the top of of my posts when there is a new listing. Also, the date after the book is the date I completed the book.) My favorites are in bold. :o)

Rereading the Patricia Cornwell Kay Scarpetta series in preparation for her newest book:

Postmortem - December 2007
Body of Evidence - December 2007
All That Remains - December 2007
Cruel and Unusual - January 2008
The Body Farm - January 2008
From Potter's Field - January 2008

*The Memory Keeper's Daughter, December, 2007

*Magical Thinking; Augusten Burroughs. October 15, 2007.

*The Time Traveler's Wife; Audrey Niffenegger. October 4, 2007.

*Bright Lights, Big Ass; Jen Lancaster. September 13, 2007.

*Possible Side Effects; Augusten Burroughs. September 2, 2007.

*The Husband; Dean Koontz. September 1, 2007.

*Bitter is the New Black; Jen Lancaster. August, 2007.

*The Fourth Hand; John Irving. August, 2007.

*The Devil Wears Prada; Lauren Weisberger. August, 2007.

*Dry; Augusten Burroughs. July, 2007.

*Alphabet Weekends; Elizabeth Noble. June, 2007.

*I Know This Much is True; Wally Lamb. June, 2007.

*The Myth of You and Me; Leah Stewart. March, 2007.

*Running with Scissors; Augusten Burroughs. March, 2007.

*My Sister's Keeper; Jodi Picoult. December, 2006.

*Second Time Around; Mary Higgins Clark. December, 2006.

*Light on Snow; Anita Shreve. November 30, 2006.

*Coming Out; Danielle Steele. November 27, 2006.

*Little Earthquakes; Jennifer Weiner. November 25, 2006.

*The Lovely Bones; Alice Sebold. September 10, 2006.

*Little Bitty Lies; Mary Kay Andrews. September 6, 2006.

*Indelible; Kerin Slaughter. August 28, 2006.

*Lost in the Forrest; Sue Miller. August 25, 2006.

*The Lincoln Lawyer; Michael Connelly. August 24, 2006.

*The Bodacious Book of Succulence; SARK. August 16, 2006.

*The Secret Life of Bees; Sue Monk Kidd. August 8, 2006.

*Divining Women; Kaye Gibbons. August 3, 2006.

*She's Come Undone; Wally Lamb. August 1, 2006.

*Savannah Blues; Mary Kay Andrews. July 26, 2006.

*The Pact; Jodi Picoult. July 19, 2006.

*Good in Bed; Jennifer Weiner. May 15, 2006.

*A Million Little Pieces; James Frey. May 7, 2006.

*Memoirs of a Geisha; Arthur Golden. May 2, 2006.

*The Magician's Nephew; C.S. Lewis. April 24, 2006.

*Don't Say a Word; Barbara Freethy. January 5, 2006

*Faithless; Karin Slaughter. December 29, 2005

*Blood Memory; Greg Isles. December 2005

*Life Expectancy; Dean Koontz. November 22, 2005

*Predator; Patricia Cornwell. November 19, 2005

*A Faint Cold Fear; Karin Slaughter, October, 2005

*Swampfire; Patricia Potter, October, 2005

*Tangle of Lies; Patricia Potter, September, 2005

*The Divinci Code; Dan Brown, May 2005

*Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban, JK Rowling, April 4, 2005

*Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets, JK Rowling, March 24, 2005

*Harry Potter & the Sorcer's Stone, JK Rowling, March 17, 2005

*Digital Fortress, Dan Brown, March 12, 2005

*Angels and Demons, Dan Brown, March 8, 2005

*He's Just Not that Into You, Greg Behrendt, March 2005

*The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right; Ellen Fein, January, '05

*Marathoning for Mortals, John Bingham, November 11, 2004

*The Courage to Start, John Bingham, October 28, 2004

*Trace, Patricia Cornwell, October 01, 2004

*Relationship Rescue, Dr. Phil, September 19, 2004

*In Her Shoes, Jennifer Weiner, September 16, 2004

*Don't Call That Man, Rhonda Findling, June 1, 2004

*Wouldn't Take Nothing for my Journey Now, Maya Angelou, May 31, 2004

*The Commitment Cure; Rhonda Findling, May 25, 2005

*Five Men Who Broke My Heart, Susan Shapiro, May 11, 2004

*Sleepwalking, Julie Myerson, May 2, 2004

*A Virtous Woman, April 29, 2004

*Succulent Wild Woman: Dancing with your Wonder-full self, SARK; April 21, 2004

*A Widow for One year, John Irving, April 21, 2004

*The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver, April 8, 2004

*A Short Guide to a Happy Life, Anna Quindlen; March 28, 2004

*Back Roads, Tawni O'Dell, March 28, 2004

*The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison, March 27, 2004

*What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man's Mind Really Works: Michael Gurian, March 25, 2004

*The Lost Boy, Dave Pelzer, March 23, 2004

*A Child Called It, Dave Pelzer, March 22, 2004

*White Oleander, Janet Fitch, March 21, 2004

*Skinny Legs and All, Tom Robbins, March 16, 2004

*To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee, March 8, 2004

*The Cider House Rules, John Irving, February 29, 2004

*The Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting, Ericka Lutz, February 16, 2004

*A Prayer for Owen Meany, John Irving, February 14, 2004

*A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole, February 2004

On Motherhood

2007-10-21T22:35:00.000-04:00

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Thanks, Crys

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother. Author Unknown

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.

The Empty Package

2007-10-20T14:50:00.000-04:00

I am so very grateful for my friends who often know me better than myself, my friends that point out things that I might never see..

I was speaking with SOH today and trying to process some of this grief that I am dealing with over Wayne's loss. I loved something that she said. She said that my divorce was not like most people's divorces. Most people that get divorced have a happy period, they have the honeymoon, they have the time when everything is great for a while.. It's like someone who gets a gift that they unwrap, love the gift, enjoy it for a while, then lose it.

My situation is oh so different. I am the person who waits 8 years to open the big box they've been looking at forever. When they finally get to open it, they find it empty. They wasted all those years hoping and dreaming and wondering with blissful excitement. Then they have to deal with the grief of not only the empty dream, but the fact that all those years were wasted over longing for something that wasn't even there.

So, my grief today is deep. It goes much deeper than someone who passed away on Sunday. And I guess out of some respect for him, I've never spoken it fully. I never want to disrespect his memory (especially in such a medium as this), and would never want to disrespect his family and friends. I will never speak the horrible details here. But I will gently, kindly, speak my truth.

I have a sweet husband now. I have a great house and pets I love and wonderful friends. I am on the way to a new career that excites me. However, fifteen years after meeting Wayne, five years after the divorce, I still grieve over the empty marriage. And I guess there is a part of me that always will grieve. In many ways I have moved on, but in many ways, he has haunted me. I think the empty dream has haunted me. Maybe his loss will in some way set me free.

The Sham I Am

2007-10-20T14:39:00.000-04:00

Parts of me have been a sham. This entire blog, even the title, was founded because I desired the truth. I am passionate about being real, about being one of integrity, about speaking the truth, of not beating around the bush.

But I have lived against this truth for years. I guess I can't say that some might not blame me. I guess some may say it's been a boundary; or maybe about protection. But for years I have been afraid of what would get back to my ex-husband. I didn't know who read this (or why I even assumed that anyone would care. Does this make me have a huge ego???), and didn't know what might get back to him. All the things that I wanted to be (brave, strong, happy, in love, etc.), those were things I wanted him to know about.. Not the things that were hard.

How stupid is this? How sad that THIS is my truth right now?? I don't know why JWP or anyone else of his friends would care about the fact that throughout the years I have been depressed, or lonely, or homesick, or longing for friends, or struggling spiritually, or infertile and now dealing with strange grief over him. It saddens me to even write those things. THESE things are my reality at times.. Why have I been so afraid to speak them?

MY TRUTH is that I am frail, and I am striving, and I am struggling. I am hungry for more and often disappointed, and sometimes have regrets. These are the truths that I have been unable to speak for fear that JWP would say "I told you so". My truth has been that my pride has gotten in the way.

Now that his loved ones have lost him, I guess that my truth can now be set free. How sad that I could not be brave enough to speak my truth, regardless of whether or not he was on this planet. Fifteen years later, he has still been affecting me...

God, help me to speak my truth, regardless. Help me to be brave and stay true to who I am and who made me to be.

How to deal?

2007-10-16T12:49:00.000-04:00

So, how is one to deal with the death of their ex-spouse with whom they have a horrible history? Obviously we had 10 years of history. The marriage was horrible, traumatic, bitter, painful and brief. It ended so poorly. We hadn't spoken in years. Yet, that doesn't change the fact that he was a part of my life for TEN YEARS. We had a godchild, I loved his nieces, his family, we had lots of friends, and lots of great memories. We laughed, sang a lot together, and lived large.

I am sad for him for more reasons that I'll state in such a way. The whole thing is just sad, sad, sad.

Part of me feels like I have no right to grieve. His family and friends were still in his life. Isn't the grief reserved for them? Part of my grief is for them though. And part of it is for the things that never were...

Ten years is a long time for someone to be such a big part of your life. Although he's been gone from my life for years, there is a part of him that never left. There wasn't a week that went by that I didn't think of him or dream of him in a brief way. That type of history never leaves you, and never will.

I ache for his loved ones. I ache for truth never revealed; for secrets locked up; for solace not needed.

I found this quote that touched me so deeply..

May the Angels lead you into paradise; may the martyrs greet you at your arrival and lead you into the holy city, Jerusalem. May the choir of Angels greet you and like Lazarus, who once was a poor man, may you have eternal rest.
In Paradisum

Due to severe pain and history, it's been a long time that I've wanted good things for him. I have failed in that way. But when I read this, I was so touched. I truly wish all that for him. I pray that he does have eternal rest and peace.

Live hard, friends. Live deep. Live honestly, with truth, sincerity, integrity, and openness. Love each other deeply. Life can be gone before we know it.

Wayne's obituary

2007-10-16T12:48:00.000-04:00

Joel Wayne Pierce, 38, died Sunday, October 14, 2007, at University Medical Center in Jackson. Visitation will be 1pm-3pm today with funeral services following at 3pm at First Baptist Church Hazlehurst with burial in Hazlehurst Cemetery. Stringer Family Funeral Services in Hazlehurst is handling arrangements.

Mr. Pierce was the Media Coordinator for Christ United Methodist Church in Jackson. Mr. Pierce was an ordained Baptist Minister. He was the former Copiah County Baptist Association Youth Coordinator, Music/Youth Director at Pilgrim's Rest Baptist Church, and Music Director at Gallman Baptist Church.

Mr. Pierce was preceded in death by his grandparents, Henry Casper Pierce, James Thigpen Pierce, Minnie Lee Boutwell and Louie Book.

He is survived by his parents, Maurice D. Pierce and Edna Lucille Book Pierce of Hazlehurst; sister, Laurice Pierce Kirk of Florence; and nieces, Madison Blair Kirk and Chloe Marie Kirk both of Florence.

In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to Mississippi Children's Home, P. O. Box 1078, Jackson, MS 39215.

Published in the Clarion Ledger on 10/16/2007.

The Latest

2007-08-29T11:30:00.000-04:00

I imagine that all of my faithful readers have given up on me! I'm learning that my perfectionism plays a part in my blogging (or lack thereof). I wish that I wrote everyday, had all the latest always updated... Since I don't do that, then I don't do it at all! I think about writing all the time.. "I need to write about that.. I need to post that picture.." Then, of course, it never gets done..

Gentleness.. I'm having to constantly remind myself to be gentle towards myself..to be kind.. I think I treat everyone in the world better than I treat myself.. If I am anything short of Martha Stewart, Sister Teresa, Dr. Phil and John Bingham all rolled into one then I beat myself up for it. Kindness..patience... I'll get there one day.. And if I don't, that's ok too...

School is progressing along slowly but surely. I have been at this thing for 25 months now!! However, I am almost finished session 16 and there are 18 sessions... So, the end is in sight. The next session is cardio surgery... So it will be challenging for sure.. I have the BIGGEST case of senioritis! I'm so ready to be done.. It's easy to get lazy and not put my all into it. Although I'll be doing the same thing when I'm done, I'll be getting PAID for it!! And this living on one salary is getting OLD...

Well, speaking of school, I'd better get at it.. I'll try to do better about posting!! (but will be gracious towards myself if I don't!!) :o)

Ok, 1 more

2007-06-13T07:09:00.001-04:00

Last one, I promise! This is a classic...

My favorite video

2007-06-13T07:05:00.000-04:00

This is awesome. A trip down memory lane. Ok, that's enough videos for today!

Funny Panda

2007-06-13T07:03:00.000-04:00

I didn't realize I could upload videos.. I'm going to be hooked now..

Shirley Q

2007-06-13T06:52:00.000-04:00

I had forgotten about this until a friend sent me a link yesterday. Hope this doesn't offend anyone!

Happy birthday, sweet baby!

2007-06-05T17:00:00.000-04:00

Welcome to our world!

I can't wait to meet you!

FlyLady wisdom for today

2007-06-02T13:28:00.000-04:00

I have not posted in so long and have so many wonderful updates, but never make the time to write. (And I’m still not really going to… sheesh..) :O) I just wanted to share this.. I found this SO good this morning…The FlyLady deposited this into my e-mail inbox this morning. She is so wise…

Dear Friends,

There was a time not too long ago when hostages were being held in various parts of the world. There are probably people being held prisoner right now somewhere in the world. Please keep these folks in your thoughts and prayers. These innocent people are subjected to all types of torture.

We have all heard the horror stories about being deprived of food, water, and sleep as well as being bombarded by noise and physical and mental abuse. These poor prisoner's bodies are forced into survival mode by the stress of this situation. They begin to lose focus on what is real.

You are incensed that people would treat other human beings with this kind of disrespect. Did you know that you are one of those hostages? Your jail is PERFECTIONISM and your jailer is TIME! Yet when I tell you to take care of yourself you say, "I don't have time, there are too many other things that need to be done." So as a result you are taken hostage.

It all started many years ago: Since the day we were born we have been told that if you can't do it right; don't do it at all and the other side of this perfectionism coin told us that we were women and we could do it all and have it all. No wonder we thought we were superwoman.

Well superwoman, we're not! That didn't stop us from pushing ourselves to the physical limit. Our first little home had to be perfect; you know this attitude. We could pull it off when it was just us. Then add into the mix a new husband and his stuff. We still wanted to have the perfect home. But guess what we did it. Only a few
times did our perfectionism rear its ugly head and we put things off because we didn't have time.

Then we found out we were pregnant. During our pregnancy we were waited on hand and foot! This is when we first started losing sleep; some nights the heart burn and leg cramps kept us jumping up and down not to mention being uncomfortable in our own skin. At least we could nap if we got a chance and not feel guilty. This is also when we fixed up the nursery and let our perfectionism go into overdrive. The
rest of house fell into CHAOS, but it was OK because we were pregnant.

After the baby arrived we prided ourselves in being the perfect mother. Then reality happened: Night feedings and losing even more sleep; not to mention the hormones running amuck. Throw into the picture of this perfect little family a new mom not eating properly, drinking enough water and getting very little sleep. This perfect picture is no longer feeling perfect to this mom. So she starts beating herself up because every thing seems so much harder now. Now some new moms can continue to hold it together until the second or third babe comes along. Then things start to fall apart.

I believe that you can never catch up on lost sleep. Sleep refreshes your body and heals. If you have to drag yourself out of bed; your body has not gotten its "nap out" like my granny always said. A good judge is how many times you hit the snooze button in the morning. Your body is begging for sleep! Then add in not eating right or drinking water along with perfectionism pushing you into crash and burn fatigue. Your body shifts into survival mode; you are being held hostage. Imagine being pushed into a pond of ice cold water. We have heard about children falling through the ice and when their core body temperature is lowered their little body starts to shut down. This is what happens to us. Our bodies think we are about to starve to death; unessential functions for our survival are turned off. Our hair gets thin, we are cold all the time, we get sick because our immune system has been depleted by the stress, we gain weight even though we are not eating that much, we feel depressed and we are so tired that we can barely move. All the while we keep pushing ourselves instead of listening to our inner voice say something is wrong.

When we finally do go to the doctor we are looked at like we are nuts. Aren't you superwoman? Or they pat us on the hand and say there there; Bless your little heart; Take two of these each day and you will be fine.

So how do we get out of this perfectionism jail that time has imprisoned us in. The strange part is that there are several keys that unlock the door to your jail cell. Sometimes it takes a combination of keys; you just have to start turning them one at a time.

1. Start going to bed at a decent hour and getting the sleep that your body is craving.
2. Eat food that is good for you and eat smaller meals more often. This keeps your body from feeling attacked and in survival mode. Please drink your water!
3. Set up small routines to keep from being stressed out by daily life. Your routines put your home on automatic pilot. You don't have to think; it just gets done and your stress is relieved one babystep at a time.

4. Catch yourself pushing too hard with the perfectionism. Stop and tell yourself it is OK. Housework done incorrectly; still blesses my family.

5. Remember that you can do anything for 15 minutes and then you get to rest.

6. Don't allow yourself to be beaten up by those superwoman voices in your head.

7. Find a doctor that will not patronize you and will listen. Ask questions. Have them check all of your thyroid levels. Check your body temperature. You may be in survival mode and your body is protecting you.

You would not treat another person the way you treat yourself. This is why the golden rule is so important; Love your neighbor as yourself. You can't love anyone else until you love yourself.

I want you to find the peace that I have! It came from taking care of me and listening to my body. Are you ready to FLY out of this perfectionism jail that time has imprisoned you in?

FlyLady

Update on JBS

2007-05-03T10:22:00.000-04:00

J wrote me several weeks ago to let me know that it wasn't cancer after all. Thanks to all who remembered him! What a blessing...

Perfection not needed

2007-05-03T10:07:00.001-04:00

Striving for excellence motivates you;

striving for perfection is demoralizing.

Harriet Braiker

I LOVED this quote today; and desperately needed it just today, as I've been beating myself up for the past 20 minutes. I seem to strive for perfection; why, I have NO clue. But I realized (through the help of the FlyLady) that, many times, people who are "lazy" are actually perfectionists. At first I thought that was crazy, and then it made a heck of a lot of sense to me. It's like, "If I can't do it perfectly, then why try?".

Well, I know that I'm getting lots better. I know that I'm becoming more domestic every day. I know that I'm becoming a better wife every day. And the silly mistake that I made today? I haven't made it in a long time… So, as the old song says, "pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again"…

Be gracious towards yourselves, friends…And I will strive to do the same!

Quote

2007-04-30T15:25:00.001-04:00

I received this quote via e-mail today and really like it…

Although the world is full of suffering,

it is also full of the overcoming of it.

Helen Keller

FINALLY!!!

2007-04-18T22:29:00.000-04:00

I am SO glad that Sanjaya is GONE! For true American Idol fans, and those that are musicians, I'm sure you'd agree with me that Sanjaya has been a JOKE. It makes me wonder if some things are rigged on the show. He sure got lots of attention. I hate that he lasted longer than Gina. Personally, I loved her.

In memoriam

2007-04-17T20:17:00.000-04:00

My husband called me at work today to tell me that there had been another shooting; the worst in history. No words can bring comfort to this school, the parents, the spouses, the friends, the roommates... My heart grieves with you all. May the Lord bring you peace, VA Tech.

Last day of tax season...and a tad weepy

2007-04-17T17:20:00.002-04:00

You think I would be glad! But for some reason, I'm a tad melancholy today. I guess all change is difficult at times. Even the positive changes.

I checked out ancestory.com today and started researching my family tree. I came across these obituaries for my loved ones... I wanted to honor them by listing them here...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

James Dillard
Mauldin

James B. "Jim" Dillard, 67, husband of Mildred "Millie" Dillard, of 313 Poplar Lane, died Feb. 15, 2005.

Born in Carrollton, Ala., he was a son of the late Chester A. and Annie L. Adams Dillard.

Mr. Dillard was a graduate of Howard College (Sanford University), and worked in insurance sales. He was a member of Augusta Road Baptist Church for over 39 years, where he served as a Deacon, choir member, Sunday school teacher and Sunday school director.

Surviving, in addition to his wife, are his son and daughter-in-law, Brian Keith and Sharon Dillard of Michigan; his daughter and son-in-law, Alicia Beth and Mark Lippard of Denver, N.C.; his grandchildren, Mikaela, Rachel, Victoria, John, Haliny, and Derek McCord II, all of Suwanee, Ga., and Adam, Jordon and Noah Dillard, all of Birmingham, Mich., and Coley and Braxton James Lippard, both of Denver, N.C.; his brother and sister-in-law, Bruce and Kay Dillard of Greenville; and a sister-in-law, Delores Dillard of Pelham, Ala.

He was predeceased by a daughter, Bonnie Rebecca McCord; and a brother, Wayne Dillard.

Services will be Friday at 11 a.m. at Augusta Road Baptist Church, with the Rev. Chris Cadenhead and the Rev. Toni Pate officiating. Interment will follow in Graceland East Memorial Park.

The family will receive friends tonight from 6 to 8 p.m. at The Mackey Mortuary.

In lieu of flowers, those desiring may make memorials to the Adult Choir of Augusta Road Baptist Church, 1823 Augusta Road, Greenville, SC 29605.

The Mackey Mortuary, Century Drive.

Published in The Greenville News: 02-17-2005

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Bonnie D. McCord
Suwanee, Ga.

Bonnie D. McCord, 32, died Thurs., Sept. 14.

Daughter of James Borden Dillard and Mildred Hearn Dillard of Mauldin, she was a graduate of Berry College in Rome, Ga. She was to have entered the mission field later this month. She grew up singing in groups with her family and was a missionary in 1985 to the Philippines.

Survivors: parents; husband, Derek McCord; daughters, Mikaela Rebekah McCord, Rachel Hannah McCord, Victoria Grace McCord, all of Suwanee; brother, Brian (Sharon) Dillard of Detroit, Mich.; sister, Beth (Mark) Lippard, Charlotte, N. C.

Services: Noon Monday at Mount Paran Church of God - Central, with burial in Cheatham Hill Cemetery, Marietta, Ga. Visitation: 11 a.m. until time of service.

Memorials: Alaythia Ministries, 700 Rosebury Lane, Suwanee, Ga. 30024. -- L. W. McDonald & Son Funeral Home, Cumming, Ga.

Published in The Greenville News: 09-17-2000

A lesson learned

2007-04-15T16:10:00.000-04:00

In my work over the past several months I have encountered two different people with the same disability of cerebral palsy. Both seemed to be pretty mild cases. Both were able to hold jobs. However, they were disabled. They were different. One was married, one was not (but informed me with a smile that he was looking).

Both of these gentleman had something in common besides their disability. They seemed to have deep joy. They were jolly, kind, funny. This has stuck with me over the weeks/months. So many of us complain about our circumstances, about the things we are currently facing. However, these gentlemen have something that cannot be changed, and they seemed genuinely happy.

One of these men was a cashier at a local store. I had forgotten my check book and had to run get it. Although it was close by, I realized I was inconveniencing him and apologized. He replied with "tell me when we have a real problem". I thought that was the neatest reply. I encounter so many people who are ungrateful, who complain at the smallest inconvenience (One man came to me to do his taxes. When he told me that he was filing joint, although his wife was not with him, I informed him that I would need his wife's signature before I could complete the return. He was mortified and stated that he'd always done it without her signature. I informed him that I did things the legal way, and that it was illegal and against policy for him to file without his wife's signature. He was so upset that he took his paperwork and left saying how inconvenient that was). How is it that these individuals with disabilities that I've encountered can be so kind, joyful, patient, without complaints, when they have to deal with the inconveniences of being different, being stared out, not being able to do some things that others can, etc...

I learned a lot from these gentlemen. Those of us without disabilities have much to be grateful for. I know that I take my health for granted. I pray that I will always remember these men and the lessons that they taught me.

Exciting things in our household!

2007-04-12T16:38:00.000-04:00

My hubby and I have some very exciting things going on. I won't disclose all on here at this time, but will share a bit. We have a possible opportunity coming up that will allow me to become debt free AND possibly allow me to stay at home! Those of you that know me know that I SUCK as a housewife (although I've gotten lots better over the past few months; as they say, practice makes perfect!). Part of this is because I'm trying to manage working full-time, studying, cooking, cleaning house, yard upkeep, working out, and taking care of a hubby and a dog! Whew! That makes me tired just thinking about it! BUT if I'm able to stay home, that will make ALL the difference in the world. I can focus all my attentions on the house and on my schooling....

OH! And speaking of... My schooling has gotten lots better over the past months and my grades have improved dramatically. My most recent grade was a 98!! I got this email from my instructor today:

You did an EXCELLENT JOB on [your] test. Congratulations! Your GPA to date is 94% which is very good. Experience has shown that M-TEC premier grads with a GPA of 93% to 95% or above have few, if any, doors closed to them from employers on our [job boards]. Keep up the great work.

WOO HOO! Man it feels good to hear that. My first few tests in the course were 87 and 86 (with below 86 as failing!). So needless to say, this feels pretty darned good. I am almost 75% of the way finishing; BUT the last 6 sessions are the hardest in the course. I just hope I can keep my GPA up until the end. I had absolutely no clue how hard this course was going to be! But I am loving it and am anxious to begin my career.

I told my friend today, I sure hope it doesn't sound like I'm bragging, or boasting, but it is just a miracle to me that I've done this well. I emailed my instructor back and told her that I still pretty much feel like a "wannabe". So it's wild that I actually have a 94. This is actually a very high B. M-TEC has VERY high standards, which I guess they should since medical transcription involves people's medical data.

Anyway, I have digressed. Just wanted to say good things are on the horizon! Keep us in your thoughts/prayers. My hope/prayer is that all will work out as I think it will! I'll keep you all posted!

Good is good!

Please remember JBS

2007-04-12T16:31:00.000-04:00

Many of you may remember my friend JBS, whom I was dating at the time of Hurricane Katrina. He lived two blocks from the beach in MS, lost everything, and lived with my folks and me for several months until he was able to get a FEMA trailer (there are posts regarding all this on my blog in the fall of '05). Although we aren't dating any longer, we have kept in touch some. Oddly enough, we both got married the same week.

I received an email from him a few days ago stating that his endocrinologist believes that he has a tumor on his pituitary gland. I feel so badly for him. As if losing everything in Katrina wasn't enough! I pray that the results of his test on Monday will show that is not cancerous. If it is, I pray that it will be able to be reduced/eliminated by treatment. I hope that if you are praying person that you'll pray the same with me.

I wish good things for him.

Thanks for your help in this.

Goodbye sweet Wilma

2007-04-12T16:25:00.000-04:00

I've had my first experience in management in the past few months. I had one lovely employee to manage. On Saturday, April 7, she had a massive heart attack while driving home from work and died immediately. I found out Easter Sunday and cried half of the day. She was such a special lady. She was such a joy and made management SO easy for me! She was faithful, a hard worker, flexible, made me laugh, and was such a precious lady. She will be missed immensely.

Godspeed, sweet Wilma.

Flixter

2007-04-07T11:18:00.000-04:00

Ok, so there is a part of me that is just like a 13-year-old girl. I have come across this Flixter site and LOVE it! I've become addicted. It's great mindless entertainment for me.

See side of screen for my favorite movies!

Very belated entry

2007-04-07T11:06:00.000-04:00

Hello friends! This post is LONG overdue. My good friend (and my former most faithful reader; I'm sure she's long given up on me now!) once said that I really only posted when I was unhappy. So I guess these months of silence have been a good thing! It's amazing how much your priorities change when you get married! I don't have nearly as much free time on my hands as I used to!

My days have been very full with working full time, attempting to study full time, learning to be a good wife, learning how to be domestic when I TOTALLY stink at it! I think I'm getting better every day though.

I am loving TN but miss my family and friends a whole lot. It's really amazing how content I am; the only people in my life are my hubby and my sweet dog. I have made no friends yet, however I am strangely content! I know that SAM cannot meet all of my needs and that I will eventually need to meet some folks, but for now, life is great.

I will try to post more often if I can! Hopefully my readers haven't given up on me!

Much love to you all...

Traci M

The best phase

2006-10-25T00:27:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in so long. I've had so much going on and life has changed so very much! I have turned in my notice at FPC and my sweetheart and I have decided to marry and move to the lovely state of Tennessee. My heart is so full as I think of so many exciting things that are soon to happen!

My 4 1/2 years here in Hattiesburg have been such a learning time for me. I have learned how to be my true self and to stand for what I believe. I have learned not to fit into a mold but to discover what I am, who I am and be true to just that. It is hard to be different. But I feel braver and stronger for it.

My road to love have been long. These past 4 years or so, I have made so many dating mistakes. I've had some special relationships, and those I will never regret. JBS and PJA are still my special friends and I wish so many wonderful things for them. Before this most recent phase of my life, I spent 10 long years in a relationship that turned into divorce (8 years dating, 1 year married and 1 year separated). In all actuality, our marriage should have been annulled and I just waited too long. I regret much of those 10 years. I sat outside tonight in the chilled air and thought about all my friends and family that gave me wedding gifts several years ago. I almost whispered "I'm sorry" out loud. Then I thought, "what am I sorry for"? I realized what I was sorry for. I am sorry that SAM will not be my first husband. He is everything I've wanted. But, the good news is, I've found him! Or better yet, he found me. He is so kind, gentle, giving, patient, loving and smart. He takes such wonderful care of me. He is broken, like me and we are perfect for each other. I'm so grateful that our paths have crossed and I cannot wait to start our family!

God is good. And he offers second chances, and third, and fourth - onto infinity... I pray that SAM and I will be gracious to each other always. That we will be kind, even when it hurts. That we will forgive, and believe, and continue to laugh and laugh and laugh. I pray we will be honest, even when it hurts. I pray that God will bless us with children that we can teach, nurture and raise into fine adults. I pray that we will get healthy and stay what way. I pray for many years for both us - especially for my sweet SAM who is a tad older than me. I want us to have 30+ years together! But, no matter how many days we have, I pray that they will be precious ones. I believe they will be. Every day I've had with him have been so precious already. I appreciate and enjoy the most mundane things with him (I once heard that marriage is living the mundane together. I love that idea. And I love the idea of the mundane with SAM!).

I have never known love to be like this. I smile when I think of him. My coworkers call me blushing bride as SAM and I talk several times during my work day to touch base and remind each other that we love each other.

Another phase is soon to begin. In 5 days I will move closer to the mountains, closer to an area that actually has 4 seasons, and closer to the love of my life. I know that this will be the best phase yet and words cannot express my gratitude.

Grateful

2006-09-11T10:37:00.000-04:00

I seem to do a lot of posts on gratefulness. I guess because I realize that we can't complain when we are grateful. We can't focus on the negative when we are focusing on what we are grateful for.

A friend of mine has used the word "messy" with regards to life and I really like that. Life can be messy. Relationships can be messy. But we do our best to learn and clean up the mess until it gets messy again. I really like this quote I encountered recently. . .

Being grateful for what we have today doesn't mean we have to have that forever. It means we acknowledge that what we have today is what we're supposed to have today. There is enough. . . And all we need will come to us. -Melody Beattie

No matter what, we are blessed. Let us focus on our blessings.

Ah, the Memories

2006-08-30T10:10:00.000-04:00

You Know You Grew Up In The 80's or Early 90's If:

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom
8. Two words: Hammer Pants
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen..and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game "MASH"(Mansion,Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to JEM" in Kindergarten. (She's Truly Outrageous.)
21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all The Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.(some of us...head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and
his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what
am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. Don't worry, be happy
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do..getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family)
46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
49. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales
50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.
54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
55. You just sang those words to yourself.
56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
57. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)
58. You remember when mullets were cool!
59. You had a mullet!
60. You still sing "We are the World"
61. You tight rolled your jeans.
62. You owned a bannana clip.
63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
64. You used to (and probably still do)say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
65 You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
66. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!

Regarding Contentment

2006-08-16T13:54:00.000-04:00

WORDS OF WISDOM:

"Contentment is the greatest treasure."
The Dhammapeda

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content."
Helen Keller--deaf and blind

"Anything in life that we don't accept will simply make trouble for us until we make peace with it."
Shakti Gawain

"I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best both for the body and the mind."
Albert Einstein

"Manifest plainness, embrace simplicity, reduce selfishness, have few desires."
Lao-Tsu

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication."
Leonardo da Vinci

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius-and a lot of courage-to move in the opposite direction."
E. F. Schumacher

"A still mind wants nothing."
Tara Singh, Teacher of A Course in Miracles

Since we cannot get what we like, let us like what we can get.
Spanish Proverb

The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith.
Bertrand Russell (1872-1970) British logician and philosopher.

My crown is in my heart, not on my head, Nor decked with diamonds and Indian stones, Nor to be seen: My crown is called content: A crown it is, that seldom kings enjoy.
William Shakespeare (1564-1616) British poet and playwright.

Happy the man who can endure the highest and the lowest fortune. He, who has endured such vicissitudes with equanimity, has deprived misfortune of its power.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 BC-65) Roman philosopher and playwright.

When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment.
Unknown Source

Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have.
Unknown Source

A contented mind is the greatest blessing a man can enjoy in this world.
Joseph Addison (1672-1719) English essayist, poet, and dramatist

Being ''contented'' ought to mean in English, as it does in French, being pleased. Being content with an attic ought not to mean being unable to move from it and resigned to living in it; it ought to mean appreciating all there is in such a position.
Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936) British journalist, novelist and poet.

WAYS TO DEVELOP CONTENTMENT:

*Nourish your spirit with a daily practice of reflection and reverence
*View adversity as an opportunity to learn spiritual truths
*Accept the things you cannot change
*Slow down and appreciate the present moment
*De-clutter your physical environment
*Live within your means
*Think carefully before you say "Yes" to time commitments
*Educate children to be wise consumers
*Turn off commercial advertising
*Decide what really matters and live by your priorities
*Trust a Spiritual Power higher than yourself to assist you

AFFIRMATIONS:

"Simple living brings me freedom and contentment. I keep material things in perspective. I give myself the gift of quiet time. My spirit is happy when I let go of extreme desires. Life's difficulties are teaching me wisdom. I trust my Creator."

Control

2006-08-07T14:59:00.000-04:00

A dear friend of mine recently reminded me of a basic principle learned in Psych 101 (Waaayyy to long ago for me) :) The principle is regarding internal/external locus of control.

People tend to ascribe their chances of future successes or failures either to internal or external causes. Persons with an internal locus of control see themselves as responsible for the outcomes of their own actions. These individuals often believe that they control their destiny, and are often observed to excel in educational or vocational realms. Someone with an external locus of control, on the other hand, sees environmental causes and situational factors as being more important than internal ones. These individuals would be more likely to see luck rather than effort as determining whether they succeed or fail in the future, and are more likely to view themselves as the victim in any given situation. http://en.wikipedia.org.

I have always had a really hard time with those with a "victim" mentality; who thinks that the whole world is against them; who work the system and blame everyone else for their troubles.

This has not been me to a large extent. But in some ways, it has. I tend to be a slave to my emotions. I let people make me mad. When I do that, I am giving them power, rather than me being in control of my own emotions. I have never really learned to make wise choices. I have never really seen myself as an indepent woman. So these are the things that I am currently working on.

This is good stuff:

What is self-control?

Self-control is a set of behaviors which:

Accepts the reality that the only thing in life which you can successfully change and control is yourself.
Keeps in check all self-destructive, addictive, obsessive, compulsive, irrational, and unacceptable behaviors.
Gives you a sense of personal mastery, autonomy, and competency over your own life.
Is under your control and power to direct and orchestrate with no need for interference or manipulation from others.
Makes you the master of your own destiny because it keeps in check those barriers and obstacles which are a threat to your overall success in life.
Is a middle ground between perfectionism and laxity in self care.
Results in your life having a balance and focus by helping you to cope with new challenges in life as they come.
Helps you to keep your over-emotional responses in check or moderation.
Helps you to open yourself up from nonfeeling or pulled-in emotions so that you can have a healthy emotional life.
Is the foundation for healthy coping and contributes to your accepting personal responsibility for your life.
Keeps your life in moderation, helping you to avoid extremes in any direction.
Is the focus of the efforts to let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life so that you can concentrate on yourself.
Eliminates the need for you to be manipulative, helpless, fixing others, intimidating, overdependent or a caretaker of others.
Helps you to be detached from others and to keep your relationships in a healthy balance of give and take.
Reflects your inner desire to grow up into a mature, responsible adult.

What are the negative effects of not maintaining self-control?

If you cannot gain self-control in your life, you could:

Focus all your attention on trying to control, fix, or rescue other persons, places, and things and divert your attention from your own needs.
Suffer the negative impact of your out of control behaviors such as alcoholism, chemical dependency, overeating, compulsive sex, addictive relationships, compulsive shopping, gambling, smoking, etc.
Become deeply depressed and despondent over your weakness and inability to get your life into "check'' or 'balance.''
Prefer to be overly dependent on other helpers, caretakers, fixers, and rescuers to give your life the control it needs.
Fall prey to an overly perfectionistic and idealistic belief system in which no matter how well you get things in order you see them as being imperfect and not good enough.
Lose control over the emotional boundaries you need to maintain from becoming over enmeshed or controlled by others.
Become lost as to where you begin and end and where others in your life begin and end in relationship to you.
Find yourself responding to situations in your life either in an overly emotional and hysterical way or in a withdrawn, pulled-in and non-emotive way, with neither response being healthy or appropriate at the time.
Find it impossible to become detached from people, places, or things who are toxic or unhealthy for you.
Find yourself in a state of powerlessness to effect changes to get your life into moderation or balance.
Fall into the trap of learned helplessness and convince yourself that you are not capable of taking care of yourself and thus allow your life to get more and more out of control.
Seek out caretakers, fixers, or rescuers to help you solve your own problems and get your life under control.
End up convinced that there is no way you can get your life into balance because the amount of work, effort, energy, and resources needed are too great an investment just for you when there are so many other people, places, and things on which you could better focus attention.
Experience even lower self-esteem because of your inability to believe enough in your worth and value to take action to get your life into control.

http://www.coping.org/control/selfcont.htm

I am grateful for my friend who brought this to my mind. This ssite has presented me with a lot of good info. I CAN make positive changes! It is NOT hopeless.

I Believe I Can Fly!

2006-07-28T12:14:00.000-04:00

No, it's not the cheezy song I'm referring to. It's the FlyLady!! Have you heard of her? This woman is giving me hope!

It's so weird because because although I am very nurturing and long to be a great wife and mother, I SUCK at housework, cooking, and EVERYTHING domestic! I rarely make a bed, clean my surroundings or cook anything. I have always detested this part of myself. But the FlyLady is giving me hope! She basically just takes all the regular chores and just turns them into tiny baby steps. One little thing at a time. Before too long, you are FLYING and managing your home!

This has given me hope and a jump in my step. There is hope for me. Maybe SAM is not doomed to living in a messy house and never being fed! Maybe my future kids will live in a peaceful home environment. There is hope for even one like me. Thank you FlyLady!

http://www.flylady.net/index.asp

Taming the Inner Brat

2006-07-28T12:10:00.000-04:00

HAS SOMEONE BEEN SPYING ON ME???

Is your sink always full of dirty dishes?
Is your car in the driveway because it won’t fit in the garage?
Are you late a lot?
Are your credit cards out of control?
Do you love animals?
Are you afraid of some of the stuff in your fridge?
Do you like surprises?
Is your laundry backed-up?
Are you creative?
Are you overweight?
Do you scrounge for receipts on April 14?
Do you like pretty things?
Do you love life in spite of the mess you are in?
Do you like to please?
Do you use the “but” word?
Do you like celebrations?
Are you still paying for the gym you don’t go to?
Do you love children?
Is it hard for you to say, “NO?”
Are you spontaneous?
Do you “over-goal?”
Are you always looking for your keys?
Are you afraid of your mailbox?
Are you often over-drawn?
Are you a procrastinator?
Do you have too much stuff?
Do you like decorations?
Are you a perfectionist?
Do you love to play?
Do you know WHAT to do, but don’t do it?

I have found yet another wounderful resource - http://www.thebratfactor.com/

Learn how to ambush your immature thoughts
with the compassion and love of a wise parent.

Pam Young’s PhilosophyTo teach, with a lighthearted spirit, how to be firm, consistent, encouraging and loving with yourself. Welcome to Brat Reform School (BRS) where our motto is, If it isn’t fun, it won’t get done! The current curriculum is HOW TO GET ORGANIZED and it’s a home study course.BRS is the only school of its kind in the universe, because it is mandatory that both the child and the parent attend. The curriculum is designed not only to teach the adult practical strategies for getting organized, but also to teach the adult how to handle the inner child that has been causing the CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) in her life.

At home with friends

2006-07-28T11:44:00.000-04:00

i am so grateful for my precious friends
my friends who don't judge me, who don't condemn me
who take me as I am
knowing that I'm not all I need to be
but know that they aren't either
and this life is a process
and that I'm getting better
and getting stronger
and knowing that there is a God
who is in control
who is molding me and shaping me
even now
even as I am

imagine you are tired
and have had a long day
and you finally arrive home
and have no responsibilities
and can kick off your shoes
the temperature is perfect
the house is quiet
your are at home
you are at peace
you are at rest

this is the feeling I get with my friends
my friends who love ME
and not a preconceived notion of what I should be
THIS is ME
THIS is where I am
and they are ok with that
because they love ME

what would I do without you, friend???
how could i make it without people like you in my life??

others bind and constrict me
hinder my growth
hamper my spirit
make me sad
make me want to run

i will grow
i will be better

for now, i am ok
because of you

and am so grateful
for you

my at-home friends

2006-07-28T11:05:00.000-04:00

2006-07-26T10:33:00.000-04:00

Rejoicing!

In all that you are
and in all that I am when I am with you

Settling in. . .
The comfort. . .

Finally at home

How grateful I am

That in this big world
we found each other -
that you found me

Helping me along
Giving me strength
Giving me courage
Speaking the truth in love

Laughing
Feeling at home
so grateful for who you are!

So hopeful of what will be
so comfortable
and so at peace

So grateful for who you are
for who I am with you
and for all that we will be

Thank you, oh maker of Love
for bringing this gift to me.

Thank you, sweet SAM
for all that you are
for all that I am with you
and for all that we will be

I will never be the same
after such a precious gift

Beautiful Girl

2006-07-26T09:49:00.000-04:00

beautiful girl
hold your head up high

don't believe their lies
the hurtful words they speak

your value, your worth
is more than gold

you are precious
unlike any other

so many gifts to give
to share with the world

hold your head high
be proud of who you are

speak the truth
of the value inside

don't let them tear you down
or wound the precious girl inside

be brave
be strong

rejoice in all that you are

beautiful girl

be strong
be brave

you are unlike any other,
beautiful girl

2006-07-26T09:47:00.000-04:00

2006-07-26T09:31:00.000-04:00

Do the things you know, and you shall learn the truth you need to know.

-Louisa May Alcott

The Woman Who Was Too Big For God

2006-07-25T17:24:00.000-04:00

The Woman Who Was Too Big For God
by Shannon O'Donnell

She was big. No question about it. Size 12 feet. Broad hips. Big belly. Generous breasts. Wide shoulders. Big smile too. Even her voice was big, her laughter full and rich, capable of filling an auditorium. Some things fit, most didn't. She searched for chairs without arms, hard to find in most places where the chairs cut into her back and sides. She eyed every couch before she sat down, gauging its worthiness and her ability to rise gracefully from it. She asked for seat belt extensions and the window seat when she flew so her bulk wouldn't intrude too much on her neighbor. Once, when she traveled to Europe, she was stuck in the middle of five seats in the middle section of the plane. The whole long trip, she sat with her arms folded across her stomach and tried not to take up too much room. She woke up, every now and then, and from the looks of the people around her, she knew her snore was big enough to drown out the sound of the movie. She took up space. Lots of it. She was too big for most rooms, she thought, and so she found ways to be on the edges, not in the center, as if people wouldn't notice.

She was big. Too big for most clothes, especially the pretty ones with sparkles and beads and ribbons. She hadn't worn regular shoes for years, and the thought of her feet in dancing shoes left her laughing.

She was big. Bigger than almost anyone she knew. Her hug was huge, two strong arms that could wrap around and hold a person close and be warm, safe, whole. She was a great big pillow to cry into, one that held all the tears until you were done crying. Her friends would tell you she had a heart as big as the prairies.

She told big stories. Outrageous stories about old ladies who ran away from home and went to summer camp or sent postcards from their travels around the country. She told jokes, funny ones and stupid ones and ones that made you think for a whole day before you laughed.

There was a secret the big woman knew, something she didn't tell anyone. She didn't even tell herself very often because it hurt to hear the words. "I'm too big," she'd whisper, "too big for God. Even God doesn't have arms big enough to hold me." And then that great and big and gentle woman would cry. And her tears were just like her- big and gentle and they washed over her face and splashed down into her lap.

A giant hole in her heart opened one day. Nothing filled it. Nothing healed it. It just ached. And there wasn't much she could do about it. She thought for a long time that it didn't matter. It was really okay that God was too small. But lately it wasn't okay. Lately she was no longer satisfied to let God off the hook. Either God was God, and capable of being big enough for her, or they could just call it quits right here and now.

"You're not too much for me," God said. "Where did you ever get that idea?"

"I don't fit," the woman said. "It's not just my body size. I just don't seem to fit into the picture."

"Tell me more," God coaxed.

"Haven't you ever noticed," she asked, "that in all the pictures I'm the one just out of camera reach. My body doesn't all make it into the picture."

God nodded.

"But my life doesn't fit either. It's not like the lives of my friends. I don't fit inside a marriage. I don't fit into my work. I'm too big for people who want to follow all the rules."

"And what's wrong with that?" God asked. "Who told you that you had to fit those pictures?"

"But you said---" she started to say.

"I did no such thing. Never. Now, granted, some significant people in your life may have claimed I demanded that, but I'm here to tell you that I never did."

"So why don't I fit?" the woman asked.

"Oh but you do!" laughed God. "Oh, my dear, you do!"

The woman folded her arms across her chest and frowned. "You're not taking this very seriously," she complained. "You have no idea how it feels."

"Oh, don't I?" God chided. "You, my love, are as grand and glorious as all the Rocky Mountains, as huge and wide as the oceans. You are as big as a house-rattling storm that shakes the teeth of the people inside. You are like a giant earthquake and as dazzling as fields swamped by flowers. You are the embodiment of outrageous, silly, lavish grace. You, of all people, you are not puny."

She studied God, puzzled. "So, what you're saying is..."

"What I'm saying, dear heart, is that with you I do things in a big way." And God chuckled.

The woman chewed her lip. "It's not enough," she said finally.

"Only because you've been hiding outside the frame of the picture," said God. "Look, people pack up their cars and travel for miles to see real mountains, not those puny little hills on the East Coast that they pretend are mountains. No, I'm talking about the big ones! The Rockies. The Sierras. Big mountains like Rainier and Shasta. These people drag along their cameras and their video recorders and they spend all their time taking pictures. And you know what?"

"What?"

"They go home. They drop off the pictures to be developed and they do the laundry. A week or two later, they remember to pick up the pictures. They shuffle through them, try to remember where they were the day that picture was taken, and who took this strange shot? They complain about the color. And the flatness of the picture is nothing like what they saw those few weeks ago. Then they toss the envelope of pictures into a drawer and forget about them."

"So?" she prompted.

"So, they never saw the mountains, all those vast giant beauties I created. They settle for puny reproductions and wonder why everything else in their lives is so flat and stale. You are like those mountains, huge and grand and glorious. People who see you only through the camera's lens will not know your beauty. How could they? They have forgotten how to see."

God raised an eyebrow and looked at her. "Now you, you in your body, can you forget how big you are?" God asked.

She looked impatient. "No, you know that! How could I forget? It's always there, always a part of how I move around in the world."

"Do you ever feel small? Flat? Puny?" God was grinning at her.

She stuck out her tongue. "Hell, no!"

"Then you're seeing the real beauty, not some camera's reproduction. And there are no edges to the picture. You always fit."

"Yeah, but, . . ." her voice trailed off.

"I'll tell you a secret. I like doing things in a big way, so people will notice, pay attention, wake up. You're one of my best surprises." God reached for her and spun her around and danced a wicked tango with her.

"You know," the woman said when the dance was over and a huge moon hung over the horizon, "you're a lot taller than I thought you were."

Not of this tribe

2006-06-23T14:59:00.000-04:00

For so long I've cared what you thought
I hurt for I was not like you

I am no longer part of this tribe

You judge
You worry

for i have left the tribe

I now belong to one where there is love and support
where there is no longer judgement

following my heart
and trusting in Truth to lead me
and for Truth chase me
I worry not
only rest

This tribe is not one of working
not one of exhaustion
but one of peace
of rest
of trusting
of waiting

i belong
i am safe

i am better than ever
for i left the tribe

i am often there alone
it often hurts

but there is relief
and quiet
i belong

i am grateful
i am at peace

the new tribe embraces
Truth chases

I am well
better than ever. . .

i pray there will be a day
when you rest too. . .

TLS

YOU

2006-06-20T13:21:00.000-04:00

Tears
because of the awe that i feel
the awe
of you

The sweetness
the utter sacrifice
of you giving
and serving

I've always been the one to love
and give
and serve
and give
and rarely felt it in return

so long neglected
in need of a touch
of a glance
of a smile
of someone to reach out
to ME

along comes you
precious
sweet
giving
serving
YOU!

You are my gift
How grateful
I am
and will always be

My heart is alive
it thrives

because of YOU!

I rejoice
I celebrate
in the gift
the gift I have found

in you.

TLS

Roses!

2006-06-13T11:28:00.000-04:00

I got a dozen roses! If my memory serves me correctly, I haven't received a dozen roses since 1986! What a precious, sweet man.

Can a dream come true?

2006-06-12T16:35:00.000-04:00

Can a dream come true?
Can it really be?
Is there really such a thing
becoming my reality?

Like a mist you suddenly appear
and seem to be everything I have longed
and craved
and hungered for
for so very long.

Such comfort, such rest
in one existence
Like coming to a home
that you didn't even know you had

I kick off my shoes
I relax
I feel at home although it is so fresh
and so new

You are now my reality
You are my dream come true

Like two pieces that fit
that have been looking for so long

I rest
I am at home
I envelope you
and you envelope me

we are at peace
we belong

What a gift

Thank you, giver of all

for bringing me home....

TLS

Kindred Spirit - Lee Bogle

2006-06-12T15:35:00.000-04:00

All of us rejoice in finding the one person who completes us, the one for whom we alone were created. This painting invites us to participate in these emotions that are the essence of our being. — Lee Bogle

Traci's Training

2006-06-05T17:23:00.000-04:00

You know how some people talk about doing something and how others really do it? Well, I've been talking about getting weight off and exercising and blah, blah blah.... WELL, I haven't had time to write as of late because I'm actually DOING it rather than just talking about doing it! I've been too busy to even write...

I've have signed up to be a part of a local weight loss competition, similar to 'The Biggest Loser'. I have created another blog strictly for this entitled 'Traci's Training'. Keep up with my progress if you'd like!

http://tracistraining.blogspot.com/

2006-06-04T10:15:00.000-04:00

The Evolution of Dance

2006-05-18T17:42:00.000-04:00

This is amazing! Thanks Crys!

Judson Laipply on the Evolution of Dance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIeIWkK0t4s

My Boy's Gonna Win!

2006-05-18T16:57:00.000-04:00

Taylor in the Top TWO!!!

Go Taylor! Kick some Kat tail!

Tunnel

2006-05-16T23:08:00.000-04:00

Longing
to be a part
to embrace
to know

that which is new

waiting

painful
aching
agony

A surprise!
An intruder
Wanting what I question

aching
longing
striving to rise above

igniting
burning
striving

contemplation
struggle

contriving a tunnel
straining to focus

eliminate the distraction

remembrance
aching
dying for release

Beautiful intruder!

Turning my back
Focus!

Yet looking again

Beautiful day where are you?

Beautiful day of union!

Hasten to me!
The struggle will end.
The intruder will be no more.
Striving will cease.

I will belong.

I will be at home.

ts
5/16/06

2006-05-16T23:00:00.000-04:00

Princess for a moment

2006-05-13T00:39:00.000-04:00

for one moment
what a girl dreams of
appreciated
valued
adored

for one moment
a smile
a dance
a song

simple things

for one moment
i am not the only one
who sees what is deep
and admires it

a touch
gentleness

you acknowledge
the value
and make me smile
make me cry

for one moment
i am not alone

for one moment
i am a princess

hope
that such a thing exists

my heart yearns
and for one moment
i have hope

i smile
i am grateful
i enjoy

thank you dear friend
for making me a princess
if only for a moment

one day it will be reality
and for more than a day
for now
for this moment

i thank you

ts
5/12/06

Little Princess

2006-05-13T00:30:00.000-04:00

I don't know who this child is but this photo seems to capture what I was trying to portray in the last post. I love the photo.

Happy Birthday Blog!

2006-05-06T02:08:00.000-04:00

Traci's Truth is One Year Old today! Sometimes it's hard for me to stick with things, but I have sure enjoyed this blog and am glad it is having a birthday. Thanks to my regular readers!

Astounding Photo

2006-05-03T13:45:00.000-04:00

This has got to be one of the most gorgeous things I have seen. I received it in an email today entitled "God Spilled the Paint".. It was almost too gorgeous to be true, so I checked out snopes.com. Have you checked out this website? It's a great place to find out which things you get in emails are legit and which are not. I get irritated at people that pass along things that are not true, so I had to do my research before I posted it here! According to Snopes, it is quite real. (you know people can do amazing things with photos these days...check out my white teeth several posts for proof!).

:)

Well, just had to share the photo. Such an amazing testament of the handiwork of God...

God Spilled the Paint

2006-05-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

it's me

2006-04-28T23:22:00.000-04:00

Longing
Aching
To go to the depths
To the depths of me
of all that I am

To know
to be content
to present myself
wholeheartedly
to others
to be assured

this is me
this is who I am
don't like it?
too bad; so sad
it's me

smiling
with no apologies
peaceful
it is me

Going down
getting closer every day
to the true me

no tradition
no rules
no expectations
no pleasing

just me

not for you
but for me

unafraid
embracing

all i am
and all i can be

loving
accepting
knowing

it's me

to the depths i will continue to dive
alone or with help
it's a journey
a mission

that will be accomplished
i must

i must know what is there
what i will find

i must continue to seek

for it's me

and it's all i got

tls
4/28/06

To the Depths

2006-04-28T23:20:00.000-04:00

Why people get married

2006-04-25T23:17:00.000-04:00

I heard this wonderful quote last night in the movie Shall We Dance. It brought tears to my eyes so I wanted to share....

We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'.

Isn't that beautiful? So beautiful it doesn't even need an image to go with it! :)

Blessings today, friends...

Right-sided people

2006-04-17T15:02:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in weeks. My most faithful reader has complained. So here you are sweet friend!

As you can see, this post is entitled "right-sided people". The topic has nothing to do with what any of you would think. It has nothing to do with politics or nothing to do with anyone that has an agenda. It has to do with an enlightening subject that someone just informed me of last week.

Take a piece of paper and draw two columns vertically. In the left column, list people who are very "good" for you. People that encourage you, accept you, challenge you, boost you up, make you be a better person, etc. On the right side, list people who don't encourage you; people who are negative, who make you feel bad about yourself, etc. Now, cross out the entire right hand column. These people do not matter! Now, in the grand scheme of things, they are still human beings that we should be decent and kind to. But as far as our mental health, our well being, our emotional state, they do not matter.

This was so enlightening for me. I have people in my right hand column that I just give WAY too much value. I allow them to make me angry, or make me cry. I am giving them way too much power. I need to focus more on my "left-sided" people who are SO good for me. I am blessed to have quite a few in this column. The others just don't matter.

I've always wanted it to be like water on a ducks back with these people. I've wanted what they said to just roll off of me. But I never could figure out how to make that happen. Now I think I know.

I'm so grateful for enlightening moments like these. I pray that I will keep my "right-sided" people where they belong. On the right side of my column with an X penciled through there names.

Right-Sided People Image

2006-04-17T15:00:00.000-04:00

You all know that I've GOT to have an image

that goes with my post!!!

These are the words of the right-sided

people in my life...

Rolling off of me...

Do I sound cruel?

I think I have just got to be determined

in my personal growth and

be straightforward about the things

that are good for me and the things that aren't.

Any feedback would be much appreciated!

How Cute is This??

2006-03-28T09:20:00.000-05:00

you're either asleep or you are awake - I'm WAY too complicated!

2006-03-25T14:13:00.000-05:00

I had a sleep test performed on me several months ago because I'm just way too tired all of the time. I have trouble waking up in the mornings because I sleep too heavy. I've been thinking about REM cycles and have been wondering if I'm in a REM cycle when it's time for me to wake up in the mornings. I seem to always be dreaming when I wake up (or try to wake up); so if one dreams only during REM cycles, then it would explain why I have trouble waking up if I am the deepest sleep possible...

I was speaking to a friend of mine last night on the phone. I asked him if he knew anything about the different levels of sleep . . . He said he didn't, and wasn't interested in them, and stated, "you're either asleep of you're not" !!! That statement deeply affected me. I'm WAY too darn complicated! That statement summed up who I am. . . There are only really two states - sleep and awake!!! Yet, I seem to have to make it more difficult than that.

I hope that this statement will continue to affect me. I don't have to analyze, I don't have to pick apart, I don't have to wonder. . . True, I'm always going to be me. I don't need to change who I am. Yet I don't have to make things more complicated for me if I don't have to! Life is way too hard as it is. . . Relax a bit, Trace. . . Realize that sometimes things are just as simple as "asleep or not". . .

Thanks to my new friend for this new realization that you didn't even know you provided.

Sweet puppy trying to sleep :)

2006-03-25T14:00:00.000-05:00

Almost there!

2006-03-25T13:44:00.000-05:00

Precious chubby baby

2006-03-25T13:30:00.000-05:00

Sleep Art

2006-03-25T13:20:00.000-05:00

Don't shop Clinique Counter at Belks Hattiesburg!!!!

2006-03-19T15:12:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned how very passionate I am about quality customer service??? Well there's nothing that gets me going if I don't have it.

I encountered an extremely snooty, rude, degrading woman at the Belks Clinique counter in Hattiesburg, MS. I had purchased a man's fragrence that when opened, looked as if half of it had spilt. The bottle was oily in testment of this. I went to return the bottle and she had the nerve to say that it was not their fragrence. As if I had poured something else in there; to insuinate that I was a thief! I am passionate about integrity and honesty. Surely she could in no way know that about me as a stranger. But she also had no way of knowing that I was a manipulative thief either.

What happend to the customer being right?? What happened to making the customer happy at most any cost? I used to work in retail. And I was taught that one unhappy customer can make you lose as many as seven because the unhappy customer will tell their friends. Well, I'm doing more than that. I am telling the world. I am a loyal customer. If I love a product or a business, I will tell everone I know and they will gain customers from me. But the same holds ture for the reverse.

Because I had my receipt, the snooty Tara, "the counter manager", said she'd honor it "this time" but not again. As if it would happen again???? I was so close to telling her, "you don't have to worry about it happening again because I will never shop here again", but I knew I would just get pissed and want to fight. She would continue to belittle me and I just didn't want to put up with her. However, I am AM a regular Clinique customer and Dillard's Clinique will have all of my business from now on.

If you are a local reader, please do the same. We as customers pay their salaries. There would be no Clinique counter if we did not shop there. They need to treat us as if we pay their salaries. I will not tolerate less. Tara and the ower of Belk and the owner of Clinique need to know this. She did a foolish, foolish thing when she messed with this customer....

Good stuff from Ben - quoting Ben Stein

2006-03-19T14:50:00.000-05:00

Quoting Ben Stein

Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my beating heart:

I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have broken up? Why are they so important? I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is, either, and I do not care at all about Tom Cruise's wife.

Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I am a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are. Is this what it means to be no longer young. It's not so bad.

Next confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

- Ben Stein
http://www.benstein.com/121805xmas.html

PS This is going around as an email but has additional text added to it; my understand is that the latter portion of it is not his.

More Ben re: Katrina

2006-03-19T14:01:00.000-05:00

Wow...I love this stuff...honest, upfront, confrontational...calling it like it is. I think I'll have to read more of this guy's stuff...

Special Report
Get Off His Back (Updated)
By Ben Stein
Published 9/2/2005 11:59:59 PM

***UPDATED: Sunday, Sept. 4, 2005, 2:13 p.m.***

A few truths, for those who have ears and eyes and care to know the truth:

1.) The hurricane that hit New Orleans and Mississippi and Alabama was an astonishing tragedy. The suffering and loss of life and peace of mind of the residents of those areas is acutely horrifying.

2.) George Bush did not cause the hurricane. Hurricanes have been happening for eons. George Bush did not create them or unleash this one.

3.) George Bush did not make this one worse than others. There have been far worse hurricanes than this before George Bush was born.

4.) There is no overwhelming evidence that global warming exists as a man-made phenomenon. There is no clear-cut evidence that global warming even exists. There is no clear evidence that if it does exist it makes hurricanes more powerful or makes them aim at cities with large numbers of poor people. If global warming is a real phenomenon, which it may well be, it started long before George Bush was inaugurated, and would not have been affected at all by the Kyoto treaty, considering that Kyoto does not cover the world's worst polluters -- China, India, and Brazil. In a word, George Bush had zero to do with causing this hurricane. To speculate otherwise is belief in sorcery.

5.) George Bush had nothing to do with the hurricane contingency plans for New Orleans. Those are drawn up by New Orleans and Louisiana. In any event, the plans were perfectly good: mandatory evacuation. It is in no way at all George Bush's fault that about 20 percent of New Orleans neglected to follow the plan. It is not his fault that many persons in New Orleans were too confused to realize how dangerous the hurricane would be. They were certainly warned. It's not George Bush's fault that there were sick people and old people and people without cars in New Orleans. His job description does not include making sure every adult in America has a car, is in good health, has good sense, and is mobile.

6.) George Bush did not cause gangsters to shoot at rescue helicopters taking people from rooftops, did not make gang bangers rape young girls in the Superdome, did not make looters steal hundreds of weapons, in short make New Orleans into a living hell.

7.) George Bush is the least racist President in mind and soul there has ever been and this is shown in his appointments over and over. To say otherwise is scandalously untrue.

8.) George Bush is rushing every bit of help he can to New Orleans and Mississippi and Alabama as soon as he can. He is not a magician. It takes time to organize huge convoys of food and now they are starting to arrive. That they get in at all considering the lawlessness of the city is a miracle of bravery and organization.

9.) There is not the slightest evidence at all that the war in Iraq has diminished the response of the government to the emergency. To say otherwise is pure slander.

10.) If the energy the news media puts into blaming Bush for an Act of God worsened by stupendous incompetence by the New Orleans city authorities and the malevolence of the criminals of the city were directed to helping the morale of the nation, we would all be a lot better off.

11.) New Orleans is a great city with many great people. It will recover and be greater than ever. Sticking pins into an effigy of George Bush that does not resemble him in the slightest will not speed the process by one day.

12.) The entire episode is a dramatic lesson in the breathtaking callousness of government officials at the ground level. Imagine if Hillary Clinton had gotten her way and they were in charge of your health care.

God bless all of those dear people who are suffering so much, and God bless those helping them, starting with George Bush.

****
UPDATE: Sunday, Sept. 4, 2005, 2:13 p.m.:

More Mysteries of Katrina:

Why is it that the snipers who shot at emergency rescuers trying to save people in hospitals and shelters are never mentioned except in passing, and Mr. Bush, who is turning over heaven and earth to rescue the victims of the storm, is endlessly vilified?

What church does Rev. Al Sharpton belong to that believes in passing blame and singling out people by race for opprobrium and hate?

What special abilities does the media have for deciding how much blame goes to the federal government as opposed to the city government of New Orleans for the aftereffects of Katrina?

If able-bodied people refuse to obey a mandatory evacuation order for a city, have they not assumed the risk that ill effects will happen to them?

When the city government simply ignores its own sick and hospitalized and elderly people in its evacuation order, is Mr. Bush to blame for that?

Is there any problem in the world that is not Mr. Bush's fault, or have we reverted to a belief in a sort of witchcraft where we credit a mortal man with the ability to create terrifying storms and every other kind of ill wind?

Where did the idea come from that salvation comes from hatred and criticism and mockery instead of love and co-operation?

http://www.spectator.org/dsp_article.asp?art_id=8693

Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Beverly Hills and Malibu. He also writes "Ben Stein's Diary" in every issue of The American Spectator.

Lee White Speaks

2006-03-16T21:00:00.000-05:00

Lee White

"Be in the Moment"

Being in the Moment

2006-03-16T19:15:00.000-05:00

I've been doing a lot of research this evening on being "in the moment". . . I tend to let my brain work WAY more than it should. I over analyze, evaluate, re-live, worry, analyze again, worry some more. . . Why? Not sure. . . am trying to figure that out. I found some powerful thoughts and quotes regarding this subject. Maybe the words and encouragement of others will sink in and help me to relax . . .

Before I get into that, I want to speak regarding the authors of these quotes. I am of the belief that we can learn something from everyone. I didn't use to believe that. I had certain beliefs and would only read/speak to/seek advice from someone who held the same beliefs. Sad and shallow minded, but true. Many of these quotes are from Buddhists, individuals that are Jewish, or practicing Zen. Some of them are "hokey". . . but there is a wealthy of truth in these phrases.

I pray that I will learn to relax, to breathe deeply in and out, soak in my surroundings, love those in my life, be content with what I have, accept what I don't and truly be in the moment; trusting, accepting, appreciating . . .

The following are weighty words! I know it's meaty. . . If anyone reads all the way through them, I'll be surprised! Let me know if you do. Enjoy. . .

Credit is given to those that spoke these words. Those that are unmarked are unknown.

The key . . . is to live and be in the moment. Don't jump ahead, don't wish that this wasn't happening.
"How a moment affects future moments and what it means to be 'in the moment.'"
Your best music will always come when you are in the moment and just playing the piano. Why is this? Because you have forgotten about trying to make music. Instead, you are now "making" music
Be in the moment, trust yourself more, pay attention to and have an increased awareness of your body.
"In Moment is incalculable value." - Awia
"The thing about jazz," he muses, "is that old idea of, you know, 'being in the moment.' Well, to play really good jazz you have to be in the moment, and it takes an incredible amount of concentration to be in the moment--to be able to go anywhere, musically, with whomever you are playing with. "I try to do my life the same way," he says, "to really be in the moment, not to be thinking all the time of the past or the future, but just to really be there performing whatever is before me." re:Mel Graves
Be in the moment at the moment every moment, making the most of yourself, being authentic. - Louis Schmier
When you can be in the moment free of thoughts or feelings about thoughts, free of the need to speak or act, then you will dwell in the heart of truth. - Paul Ferrini
To be in the moment, is to be fully present, fully aware. The now includes not just the chair you sit in, and the room you are in, but also everything that is happening in your life. - Ellen Kennon
After all, when something of import occurs, we should be encouraged to feel deeply and wholly what is happening. We should literally be in the moment. Only afterwards, from a distance, can we step back and with clarity, contemplate the significance of the event and begin to put it in perspective. - Avi Weiss
Learning to be in the moment can be thought of as making every moment a privileged one. In other words, we are constantly seeking new perceptions of our experiences even if our circumstances may be quite familiar and routine.
"if we are in the moment, then we cannot know anything except that moment. however, if we are looking at context, then we can never truly be in the moment," - em
"I don't spend my time missing things", he says. "It's so important to me to be in the moment. If I don't love what I'm doing at the moment, then I go find something that I do love". - Tommy Tune
"All I have to do is stop looking at the past and not project any hopes into the future about this new relationship. All I have to do is just be in the moment with the man of the moment, whether he's in future moments or not. And living in the moment will be a huge lesson for me." Lorna Tedder
Spend time with Children. These little folks know how to be in the moment. Spend time with them doing what they want to do. Follow their example. This shouldn't be too difficult.
. . . As one can be in the moment, you are in the moment. Because really that's all there is. - Donna Williams
Be in the moment! One of the ways to do this is through physical exercise. - Frederick "Cork" Graham
I don't know what it is that makes meditating at the gym better than doing it alone at home. Maybe it's that "being in the moment" thing. When we are meditating, we are supposed to be in the moment. I spend so much time in fantasy land that I find "living in the moment" really hard to do in my real life. Of course, it's really easy to do when I'm exercising. All I can do is concentrate on my muscles. Just keep moving, just keep moving, just keep moving. That's all I can think about when I exercise at the correct level. Maybe that's it. All of those people are living in the moment more than they probably do the rest of the day. Maybe that's why some marathon runners call running their religion. - Laura Moncur
The more we heal our emotional wounds and change our intellectual programming the more capacity we have to be in the moment and tune into the Love within. - Robert Burney
Spiritual growth is simply the process of awakening our consciousness to be in the moment with what is. - Dick Rauscher
This lesson of being "in the moment" has been important and personally meaningful. I tend to think about the past decision choices. I can stew in the "what ifs" - I could have; I should have; I also tend to think about what needs to be done. Of course, as with everyone, thinking about such things brings worry and angst. The list of things to be done is always endless. Dogs remind me to be in the moment - to live and enjoy this very moment. And that is one of the great lessons I try to learn and practice from my dogs. Dogs are a wonderful example and remind me not to waste the moment. - Catherine
There are very few joys in life greater than spontaneity. Spontaneity means to be in the moment; it means acting out of your awareness, not acting according to your old conditionings. Those days are gone -- those conditions, conceptions are absolutely invalid. - Osho
"Stay in the moment. Become the best you can be in the moment, and what lies out ahead only God knows. Enjoy and stay in the moment you're in and if you do that, you will not be disappointed with what you do." - Jim Tressel

Row

2006-03-16T15:58:00.000-05:00

I love this quote:

All you have to do is the best you can.

A high wave comes, a crushing wave comes, a gentle swell flows.

Whatever comes, stay in your boat.

And enjoy the ride.

And row.

Author Unknown